Breakup between a ISFJ-ENFP

[floxysify]

Hi everyone!

I haven't found anything on this yet so i thought i would start a thread about this. MY personality type is ENFP.
So recently i broke up with my ISFJ girlfriend. We had a really deep connection and shared a lot of stuff. She helped me move from my ould house to my dorm room and helped me to establish a life on my own (with her involved in it). I had some drug problems (marihuanna) during this whole period which made me really needy of her and not pushing through on my own goals. It went fine for a year and a few months but after that she had other plans in the direction that she wanted to do. Because of this i was even more needy and didn't respect her freedom. The drug problem really killed our relationship (i woke up every day with a weed hangover and didn't even think this was from the weed) because i was negative at times and too clingy.
She had a hard time breaking up with me and became silent in the last month when i was with her and she lashed out sometimes. I stopped smoking ind that month and i felt really great as a person which made me not negative and clingy anymore. The problem was that she didn't feel good after this anymore and decided to break up. She felt sorry for me because of it and i had a really hard time with it (i have a lot of guilt because i know that without my addiction getting worse this would'nt have happened). We texted after that constantly and after seeing each other for a few times we had sex again. She told me she just wanted sex and nothing more. After that we spend 3 days together cooking,watching some movies and studying together. In this whole period we still texted every day and a lot.
She got sick and i cared for her for three days in a row so she could get better and after three days i had a hard time with the whole situation (it looked as if we had a relationship but i couldn't see anything in it) so i toled her that.She basicaly got mad at me and didn't want to see me for a week. She only wanted to do fun stuff after our breakup and avoided any negativity until last week i confronted her with her avoiding conflict. I told her that she could see that i was changed as a person and that i was really hurt by her when she lashed out at me after caring for her for three days. She started crying and and told me it's better if we won't see each other for a month so i respected that. I respected everything she wanted after this breakup.
The problem i have right now is that i really want to get my ISFJ partner back. Not out of neediness because i can basicly find someone new and move on. I sincerely love the person as how she is and i have a different view on a relationship (not needy or negative) since i stopped smoking!

What is the best that i can do?

 

[Sacrophagus]

Hi everyone!

I haven't found anything on this yet so i thought i would start a thread about this. MY personality type is ENFP.
So recently i broke up with my ISFJ girlfriend. We had a really deep connection and shared a lot of stuff. She helped me move from my ould house to my dorm room and helped me to establish a life on my own (with her involved in it). I had some drug problems (marihuanna) during this whole period which made me really needy of her and not pushing through on my own goals. It went fine for a year and a few months but after that she had other plans in the direction that she wanted to do. Because of this i was even more needy and didn't respect her freedom. The drug problem really killed our relationship (i woke up every day with a weed hangover and didn't even think this was from the weed) because i was negative at times and too clingy.
She had a hard time breaking up with me and became silent in the last month when i was with her and she lashed out sometimes. I stopped smoking ind that month and i felt really great as a person which made me not negative and clingy anymore. The problem was that she didn't feel good after this anymore and decided to break up. She felt sorry for me because of it and i had a really hard time with it (i have a lot of guilt because i know that without my addiction getting worse this would'nt have happened). We texted after that constantly and after seeing each other for a few times we had sex again. She told me she just wanted sex and nothing more. After that we spend 3 days together cooking,watching some movies and studying together. In this whole period we still texted every day and a lot.
She got sick and i cared for her for three days in a row so she could get better and after three days i had a hard time with the whole situation (it looked as if we had a relationship but i couldn't see anything in it) so i toled her that.She basicaly got mad at me and didn't want to see me for a week. She only wanted to do fun stuff after our breakup and avoided any negativity until last week i confronted her with her avoiding conflict. I told her that she could see that i was changed as a person and that i was really hurt by her when she lashed out at me after caring for her for three days. She started crying and and told me it's better if we won't see each other for a month so i respected that. I respected everything she wanted after this breakup.
The problem i have right now is that i really want to get my ISFJ partner back. Not out of neediness because i can basicly find someone new and move on. I sincerely love the person as how she is and i have a different view on a relationship (not needy or negative) since i stopped smoking!

What is the best that i can do?

Let's get this straight first: You're needy. Needy as hell.

Do you know why she wanted only the fun stuff after the break up? That was her defense mechanism to not get hurt. She still has feelings for you, but she knows that the change you're talking about is ephemeral. The decision she wants you to take is to change for yourself, not for her, but for your own sake. If you decide to do that, and respect yourself, she might change her mind if you're not clingy and suffocating her.

Another thing. Don't blame it on the marijuana. Blame it on yourself. Take responsibility for your acts, and own your decision instead of justifying to her that your negativity was the product of your addiction.

Give her some space, focus on yourself, allow her the opportunity to heal her wounds and think about the relationship and what she wants, and if you've truly changed, you won't need to tell her "PLEASE! ACCEPT ME I'VE CHANGED!". She will notice that herself.

That's the best you can do.

 

[tinker683]

It sounds like you both have a lot of things you need to work through first before you can have a relationship together again.

Speaking as an ISFJ, when I told a former partner it was over, it was OVER.....it meant I didn't want to be hurt or disappointed anymore and I wanted it all to end pronto. I would expect her to put distance between the two of you and the more you try to force the issue, the further you'll push her away.

Sorry dude, but you're done. You two might circle around each other sometime again in the future but my advice is kick the drug habit and work on yourself.

 

[floxysify]

I know this of ISFJ's. When they say it's over or is over. Still a bit strange that she wants to have sex after this month as friends... I see the point in not hurting her and i dont want to force anything as i respect her as a person. She needs her freedom right now and i want her to enjoy it! Still i find it bizarr that she wants to have sex with me without this whole relationship! Is it the habit that she seeks?

 

[Betty Blue]

Oh dear, your 'not neediness' even sounds like neediness (I have been there too). Give yourself some boundaries around it. It's a tough call but worth a shot if you want it to work. But like someone else said you might need to work on yourself and let this relationship go. Hurts right, thats the ego deflating. If you want her to be happy you could work on being a good friend, but seriously those boundaries will need to be in strict play. For the vast majority of ENFP's 'just sex' doesn't work, i've yet to meet any that can do that with ease, we usually have our heart strings attached to physical encounters.

 

[floxysify]

Thanks everyone for the replies! I probably can't do the 'just sex' thing that is right! Too much emotions involved in it! How do you guys cope with neediness? Since it looks like I am needy at this point. These days i'm pretty realistic about it though and it feels like i don't need this person, I don't know how to describe it but after stopping with smoking I felt relieved and free with myself and interested in a lot of stuff! It's the thought of all this negativity that I had for her that is killing me. Believe me I want this person to be happy and myself as well. I'm really happy that she has this freedom right now and that she can enjoy it! Brings me a smile writing about it actually . Oh and by the way does anyone have some tips to avoid overthinking as a ENFP? Sometimes I can't stop thinking about the bad stuff I did.

 

[Betty Blue]

Just some basic self acceptance. Knowing that the bad stuff is in the past and you have learned from it. Guilt is ok if it's helpful i.e providing the information which may aid changing that behaviour. But it's absolutely useless once you have advanced beyond that. I try not to feel guilty about past things anymore because I know I am not doing those things and have learned and developed myself since then. The past is a foreign country, we learned all we can and don't go there any more. Try to focus on the future, what will I aim to do differently, how will this affect my life and those around me-positive visualisation. The funny thing is that while ENFP's are needy they often feel suffocated by others if they are too needy.

As an ENFP you will bounce back, it's one of our enviable traits, the ability to move onwards and upwards. Just think about all the things you can do now, try to do them in manageable chunks ... maybe go travelling? idk where you are at in your life stages, did you say you were at uni?

 

[floxysify]

Im a psycho student in first year. Not stopping with smoking and taking my responsibility took me some years from my life. I've come to a point where i don't want to bounce back anymore as it feels as stopping in life.

 

[Betty Blue]

Im a psycho student in first year. Not stopping with smoking and taking my responsibility took me some years from my life. I've come to a point where i don't want to bounce back anymore as it feels as stopping in life.

Ok well flow with it then, just avoid the rapids. If you are first year you are going to be pretty young. I'm an ancient ENFP and have a few pearls to share. But tbh at your age a few things made an impression on me but it was very much my own journey so bearing that in mind theres not a great deal of advice I can give. I suppose just remember that you have an inner rock, something which will enable you to get through the hard times. It's all transitory, things inevitably get better so no matter how crappy you feel, tomorrow is another day.

 

[floxysify]

Oh i know that! This is what gets me up Every day!

 

[floxysify]

If you want you can still hand me the advice! I can pluck The stuff i can use out of it!

 

[Abcdenfp]

Just some basic self acceptance. Knowing that the bad stuff is in the past and you have learned from it. Guilt is ok if it's helpful i.e providing the information which may aid changing that behaviour. But it's absolutely useless once you have advanced beyond that. I try not to feel guilty about past things anymore because I know I am not doing those things and have learned and developed myself since then. The past is a foreign country, we learned all we can and don't go there any more. Try to focus on the future, what will I aim to do differently, how will this affect my life and those around me-positive visualisation. The funny thing is that while ENFP's are needy they often feel suffocated by others if they are too needy.

As an ENFP you will bounce back, it's one of our enviable traits.
i also agree that traveling would be good, I find when I travel I am able to get perspective regarding my emotions about a person. I also find while I'm emersed in the relationship I can see nothing but the intensity of my feelings for the person. But if I Give my self a little time and space then I can really see how I feel about the person without the rose colored glasses on. Usually it's the thing that people find intoxicating, how I make them feel about themselves while wearing said glasses, it's also what makes them sad when I take them off and they become less glittery to me .
I like a lot of communication and for my partner to be engaged in the relationship in a very emotionally intimate way but agree with Betty blue as a enfp I can't tolerate neediness from others.

 

[Agent Washington]

Work on yourself so you don't end up suffocating the next one.

 

[Betty Blue]

If you want you can still hand me the advice! I can pluck The stuff i can use out of it!

Take a long walk along a beach at dawn, new beginnings. Theres a whole world out there beyond the horizon, don't limit yourself to the little prison you have built inside your mind.