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  1. #11
    nunc rosa cras fex senza tema's Avatar
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    Don't buy her shit just beause she demands it and definitely stop apologizing for her bad behavior. The food thing is, however, weird and sounds like she feels threatened about not having enough. Do you know why that is? I don't believe type is a useful way of thinking about people but it seems like resource allocation is a psychologically painful area for her and it's worth investigating why that is.

    To the extent possible I would recommend hanging out with her and doing fun things together but it's important that you break the pattern of her viewing you as a resource provider or a threat to her getting her fair share. The less your time together is about food, the better.
    Likes Yama, Tilt, wildmoon, Novella liked this post

  2. #12
    Problem? Grand Admiral Crunch's Avatar
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    We INFPs need to start a conversion program for esfjs. We could declare esfj to be a mental disorder and send them to a camp. It'd be like fat camp except for esfjs.....
    I would seriously ignore her or tell her to fuck off. Since I'm not a parent or authority figure in her life, there'd be nothing wrong with that. I have my own problems to deal with without making extra

  3. #13
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by wildmoon View Post
    What would you do? I’m so tired, man, people can be so blah. I don’t want to go along with the whole silent treatment thing and just respond in kind. It feels so contrived, and it's also just an awful thing to do. I don't want to stoop to that level. So I have to speak up about it. But people hate that.


    Learn how to speak up. It will save you and everyone around you a whole lot of wasted time and pissed off-ness. Yeah yeah I know it's hard. Do it anyway.
    I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.

  4. #14
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    Quote Originally Posted by wildmoon View Post
    I’m an INFP. My youngest sister is an ESFJ and has fully entered her entitled teenage phase – I’m talking shoplifting, graffiti, alcohol, truanting, trying to pierce her own ears and all that kind of stuff. Up until recently I used to be her confidant because I don’t take most of her misbehaviour too seriously. I find it kind of funny, but simultaneously am able to give helpful advice.

    But recently she’s started giving me the silent treatment for days at a time and starting fights over literally nothing. Seriously, she started a fight with me because I hesitated for a moment before agreeing to buy her something that she asked me to buy. I agreed without any hassle, I bought the thing, but she didn’t talk to me for two days afterwards. And she kept storming out of rooms whenever I entered them. Like, because I hesitated. Today when I tried to confront her about the silent treatment she launched into denial and accusations that I was making it all up.

    Also, most of the fights with her seem to be about food. That's the weirdest thing about it. She constantly expects me to buy her junk food, even when we have plenty of food available. (Just for the record, I do agree to buy it for her 85% of the time. Even though I'm not her caregiver or anything like that.) She often asks me how much food I've eaten. She accuses me of taking more than my fair share, which I don't. (It’s generally her that does that. I actually eat very little. Of course, I wouldn’t bother pointing those things out to her, because live and let live, yo.) And when she believes there's been some sort of unfairness in the distribution of food, it becomes a huge drama.

    It’s obviously kind of confusing. So I’m wondering – is it all just a teenage thing? Is it an ESFJ thing? I’ve read that they’re manipulative and like to have control over people, and my sister even verbally confirmed that when she took the MBTI. Are SJ types more sensitive about material needs? Maybe that would explain the food thing.

    So what should I do? Withdraw from trying with her for a while, and just wait it out until she gets more mature? Try to repair the friendship, even though I know that she’ll still be like this and that I can’t keep dishing out unwarranted apologies? Or just leave it up to her to make amends, which I know she won’t do? What would you do? I’m so tired, man, people can be so blah. I don’t want to go along with the whole silent treatment thing and just respond in kind. It feels so contrived, and it's also just an awful thing to do. I don't want to stoop to that level. So I have to speak up about it. But people hate that.
    Was she traumatized or something? I remember when I was younger I used to have weirdness and anxiety around "not having enough food" and scarcity mentality because of early childhood trauma. Also, I subconsciously associated food with positive emotions and love because getting food and treats meant I got positive, undivided attention. Just was curious because we don't really know the background on your sister or family. Other than that, it sounds like she has issues beyond just being a typical teenager.
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  5. #15
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    This is interesting, I've been told those types are almost exact opposites.

    Like I was talking to someone who typed me as ESTJ and they told me that my shadow would be INFP.

  6. #16
    Senior Member wildmoon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FutureInProgress View Post
    Was she traumatized or something? I remember when I was younger I used to have weirdness and anxiety around "not having enough food" and scarcity mentality because of early childhood trauma. Also, I subconsciously associated food with positive emotions and love because getting food and treats meant I got positive, undivided attention. Just was curious because we don't really know the background on your sister or family. Other than that, it sounds like she has issues beyond just being a typical teenager.
    Yeah, our mother used to be pretty abusive back in the day and there's a long, multi-generational history of dysfunction on both sides of the family. And I think that around the time she was born, there was a lot of financial uncertainty going on. But wow, after reading about your subconscious association thing I'm almost certain that that's what it is. Thank you for commenting because I would never have thought of it that way.
    Almost too Ti to function.
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  7. #17
    Senior Member wildmoon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by ceecee View Post
    Learn how to speak up. It will save you and everyone around you a whole lot of wasted time and pissed off-ness. Yeah yeah I know it's hard. Do it anyway.
    Lol, yeah, I know.

  8. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by wildmoon View Post
    Yeah, our mother used to be pretty abusive back in the day and there's a long, multi-generational history of dysfunction on both sides of the family. And I think that around the time she was born, there was a lot of financial uncertainty going on. But wow, after reading about your subconscious association thing I'm almost certain that that's what it is. Thank you for commenting because I would never have thought of it that way.
    That genuinely sucks. I figured there was a compelling reason why you weren't more firm with your boundaries. First of all, it's awesome that you are trying to be there for your sister. A lot of your behaviors seemed like you were trying to make up for the needs that neither of you received by at least filling in some of the deficiencies for your sister. On one hand, you don't want to her feel that she is unsupported, unacknowledged but you also know her behavior is inappropriate. And depending on how much your sister was exposed to the dysfunction, she might revert back to "childlike behaviors" (the age she was most traumatized/affected) when she gets triggered (aka food) because she's not quite ready to process the emotions. Add puberty and hormones and it can create an even more unstable internal environment.

    What really helped me was when people showed up when they said they would and being very consistent with me. Science says that you can't just kill off a bad habit but that you need to replace it with another habit because it is all about emotional associations. This means emotions will mostly win out over logic. For example, your sister might see "food with wildmoon" as a special bonding thing or it could be an automatic survival mechanism stemming from her childhood. You could try to replace that with a special activity with her on a consistent basis (weekly, biweekly, or monthly?).

    @wildmoon: my adoptive mom is INFP and I consider myself to be a quiet ENFJ. Let's just say it was quite a ride but I finally worked through things. LOL

  9. #19
    Senior Member wildmoon's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FutureInProgress View Post
    What really helped me was when people showed up when they said they would and being very consistent with me. Science says that you can't just kill off a bad habit but that you need to replace it with another habit because it is all about emotional associations. This means emotions will mostly win out over logic. For example, your sister might see "food with wildmoon" as a special bonding thing or it could be an automatic survival mechanism stemming from her childhood. You could try to replace that with a special activity with her on a consistent basis (weekly, biweekly, or monthly?).
    @FutureInProgress Thank you for understanding! That's a really good idea, I'll try that.

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