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  1. #1
    Senior Member phoenix31's Avatar
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    Default ESTJ/INFP negative interaction

    I don't have any grasp of cognitive functions yet and I'm just wondering if anybody could help explain some dynamics of an interaction I had with an ESTJ yesterday. I'm INFP.

    He more or less said we viewed the world from a different lens. I asked him to explain how he sees things and he declined, basically saying that I have my way and he has his way, and I wouldn't understand.

    I got frustrated because I wanted to understand where he was coming from and he was shutting that down. I rolled my eyes and said, "The world isn't that cut and dry."

    He then proceeded to say that I always tell him he is wrong and that comments/attitudes like the one above do not provide a safe place for him to express his viewpoints.

    So how I perceive it is that I get frustrated feeling like he's not open minded or only defines things in black and white terms, and that he thinks if I disagree with him or suggest another viewpoint that it equates to telling him he is "wrong," and therefore there is no reason to discuss the subject further. This drives me crazy because I like to learn from differing viewpoints and I don't usually look at things in terms of "wrong" and "right.

    So is there a way to describe what's happening in this interaction based on our types or the cognitive functions involved? And do you have any suggestions how I could approach productive conversations where we disagree without him feeling that I'm judging him/slapping labels on things, or is it useless to try?

  2. #2

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    Idk we live on the same planet but come at life from completely different places. I suppose it doesn’t mean you can’t meet in the middle. Unless of course the other person is being stubborn and unwilling to even make an attempt at explaining their viewpoint. There’s not much you can do with that.
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  3. #3
    also known as Chry Terralynn's Avatar
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    Usually it's me who feels uncomfortable around rational logic types for tearing apart my ideas and making me feel bad and wrong. I don't mind disagreement but some people seem to enjoy nitpicking and that's what irks me to no end.

    Maybe he's just uncomfortable with opposing views in general as if there can only be one way and that if someone disagrees then they are disagreeing with his own reality and truth. Him shutting down might be a sort of Fi stubborness, inability to open up after they've decided to evaluate the discussion as pointless, like it's done and over with and they won't change how they feel. I wouldn't understand why he wouldn't open up after you say something like " I really wanna hear your opinion and get to know you.", as that should be the best way to appeal to his Fi.


    I guess the best way to not make someone feel like they are being attacked as a human is to treat their views like the person themselves, as usually it means they have attached themselves to the views they hold and any opposition would feel like they themselves are being critiqued. So converse with their views as if they were a living person... ask them questions, "why do you feel that way?" "what made you believe this?" "That's interesting, I personally feel that..." So basically just respectfully hear them out as to their own feelings and when you want to offer yours don't try to use them against their views.

    Don't say: "I like that ideas but I think..." because it will make them feel wrong
    Say: "I like those ideas. I personally feel..." because it well preserve both you and his opinions as separate entities. Which might be what Fi needs.
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  4. #4
    Talk to me. Merced's Avatar
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    Sounds like he told you his viewpoint, didn't want to elaborate further, and then you accused him of being closeminded which is why he didn't want to share in the first place.

    I know a thing that gets on my nerves is when someone can't let an opinion be. They always have to agree or disagree, as if it's a debate. Yes, it's good for conversation to hear other opinions, but to make a point to always comment or share your feelings is obnoxious. It's a thing a lot of ExFJ and IxFP people do, where the conversation is general and then they make it about them. I usually choose not to participate when I get annoyed from this, since the added layer of frustration is a burden to my participation.

    I'd say the most productive thing to do is let them speak, practice active listening, and don't get pushy if you aren't satisfied with their answer, especially if it's about something personal.
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  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Merced View Post
    Sounds like he told you his viewpoint, didn't want to elaborate further, and then you accused him of being closeminded which is why he didn't want to share in the first place.

    I know a thing that gets on my nerves is when someone can't let an opinion be. They always have to agree or disagree, as if it's a debate. Yes, it's good for conversation to hear other opinions, but to make a point to always comment or share your feelings is obnoxious. It's a thing a lot of ExFJ and IxFP people do, where the conversation is general and then they make it about them. I usually choose not to participate when I get annoyed from this, since the added layer of frustration is a burden to my participation.

    I'd say the most productive thing to do is let them speak, practice active listening, and don't get pushy if you aren't satisfied with their answer, especially if it's about something personal.
    Not everything needs to be debated and discussed...I know personally I just wanna make a decision and not have a vetted discussed thought out and revisited and re-discussed and...I don't think it drives me nuts like an ESTJ type would, but I feel ya. Its like, I just wanna jump, let me jump damnit for me. I don't think an ESTJ is very good at just flat out saying that and not having it emotionally affect them...they take the avoidance route like OP described.
    Im out, its been fun

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