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Fallen In Love?

INTerran

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Oct 29, 2016
Messages
131
Simple question...how do you know when you have fallen in love with someone? Not lust or infatuation, but all the way, genuine love? What is/was that like for you? How were you around the object of your affection?
 
Joined
May 19, 2017
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5,100
How’s the saying go? A man only realizes he’s in love with a woman after she’s gone. I knew before that but it didn’t stop me from being an immature ass that let a wonderful girl slip through my fingers.

I knew I was truly in love with the only woman I have ever loved when I was waiting for her to get off work one night and I saw her walking down the sidewalk towards me. Maybe not a profound moment. No fireworks no music. Just a smile on my face and a warmth within me. Things felt right with the universe. Whatever came before and whatever since, I knew this was a girl I could have spent my life with. Could have created life with. Yet youth is such a deceptive thing. It makes you believe things will never change or that such a person can be found again and I took her for granted, took for granted how lucky a SOB I was for finding such a fantastic person on my second go. Live and learn I guess. It was a hell of a lesson and even with everything that’s happened since then, ruining my chances with her is the biggest regret I carry with me.
 

Norrsken

self murderer
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sx/so
When it's no longer about you anymore, but the other person.
 

Yama

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I never feel lust or infatuation and I've had so few crushes in my life that I can count them on one hand. But I know that I was in love with 2 of them. For me it's easy to tell but that's just because I don't experience lust or sexual attraction or any of that other stuff that could muddy the waters.
 

Warrior

Permabanned
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Sep 23, 2017
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462
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INTP
When you can't imagine life without the other person, and feel a little like this comedian describes love (in his view, from a man's perspective, ignore the joke about shoes):

YouTube
 

Abcdenfp

Terpsichore
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It's like that scene in Jerry macquire , where he reaches for his phone to fine someone to share the good news with and he realizes there is only one person he wanted to share that moment with.
Or when you expose yourself showing all the uncomfortable bits and the person still looks at you with love and doesn't turn away or visa versa .
 

Mole

Permabanned
Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
20,284
If we weren't constantly bombarded with love songs, would we fall in love?

Marriage is a contract, and romantic love began with the medieval troubadours who romanced married women, but didn't sleep with them.

Falling in love today is consuming love in our consumer culture. And the proof of this is that falling in love doesn't last. It is another consumer item.

Today falling in love entrances us, our critical mind goes to sleep, and we can believe almost anything.

Of course it touches our needs as children, such as our need for love, for unconditional love. We are touched at our deepest need so that we will buy, almost anything.
 
Joined
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sx/sp
When I still feel the need to communicate whereas I said it is over :wacko:


It means to feel in love I need to live quite a while in touch with that intimate person, I can't fall in love at first sight for example. It would be total nonsense.
 

Siúil a Rúin

when the colors fade
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It's when I start feeling deeply invested in them and their happiness. It's when I can picture us growing old together and can feel the whole of time, of what it would be like to be on the other end of life looking back with them. It's when I feel like they can see who I actually am, and I can at least glimpse who they are and it is still a good thing. It's when they feel like home.

It's always scary though, and a risk to commit to that, knowing how hurtful it can be if it falls apart. There can also be something exciting about taking that risk because it makes me feel alive.
 

Madboot

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INTJ
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sp/sx
It's like that scene in Jerry macquire , where he reaches for his phone to fine someone to share the good news with and he realizes there is only one person he wanted to share that moment with.
Or when you expose yourself showing all the uncomfortable bits and the person still looks at you with love and doesn't turn away or visa versa .

I agree. When someone sees you at your most vulnerable with only acceptance, and you feel the same for them. That is what you hold on to. Focusing on only the best qualities of another person is infatuation. Seeing the complete person, flaws and all, and accepting it all as pieces of the greater whole, and loving it? That is a beautiful thing.
 

Madboot

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If we weren't constantly bombarded with love songs, would we fall in love?

Marriage is a contract, and romantic love began with the medieval troubadours who romanced married women, but didn't sleep with them.

Falling in love today is consuming love in our consumer culture. And the proof of this is that falling in love doesn't last. It is another consumer item.

Today falling in love entrances us, our critical mind goes to sleep, and we can believe almost anything.

Of course it touches our needs as children, such as our need for love, for unconditional love. We are touched at our deepest need so that we will buy, almost anything.

I'm sorry but I disagree. I don't listen to love songs, and I love my wife greatly. I think your definition of romantic love is different from mine. I feel that true romantic love is a feeling that two people share without the external world qualifying it, or quantifying it. I differ with your point that love does not last. I have been married for fourteen years now and I love her more than ever. The depth of her character and the insightfulness of her mind amaze me all the time. If it is finite, it is because the human condition is finite. It is no consumer item, for it cannot be bought or sold. Anyone who says otherwise has never experienced it and has my sympathy on the matter. You are entitled to your opinion, and I know you are an intelligent and thoughtful person. But I cannot agree with you on this subject.
 

Mole

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Messages
20,284
I'm sorry but I disagree. I don't listen to love songs, and I love my wife greatly. I think your definition of romantic love is different from mine. I feel that true romantic love is a feeling that two people share without the external world qualifying it, or quantifying it. I differ with your point that love does not last. I have been married for fourteen years now and I love her more than ever. The depth of her character and the insightfulness of her mind amaze me all the time. If it is finite, it is because the human condition is finite. It is no consumer item, for it cannot be bought or sold. Anyone who says otherwise has never experienced it and has my sympathy on the matter. You arWe entitled to your opinion, and I know you are an intelligent and thoughtful person. But I cannot agree with you on this subject.

I am pleased you disagree as most Western people would agree with you. However falling in love led Romeo and Juliette to their deaths, yet we have whole industries devoted to falling in iove. And Juliette was only 14 years old, and a victim of statutory rape, and under the legal control of her parents. And some cultures dispense with love and have arranged marriages. And depth analysis of falling love leads us back to childhood and our parents.

Why is it that the psychoanalysis of falling in love is so uniformly resisted in the West? What don't we want to know?
 

Fluffywolf

Nips away your dignity
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I don't think I have ever fallen in love with someone.

Infatuation, sure. I've been that. But the 'advertised feeling' of true love has so far been beyond my grasp.
 

hjgbujhghg

I am
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I don't think that there's a general formula to love. That feeling is so deeply personal that it simply cannot be viewed the same way by anyone. I haven't really figured out what love is for me myself and I think trying to understand what it is, is pointless. It doesn't change its realness. I think that "love" itself doesn't really exist. You can fall for someone physically because the chemistry between you two works, then you realize you have a lot in common and you want to spend more time with that person and all of a sudden you feel relaxed and truly yourself around them. That's what I call... "love".
 

Madboot

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I am pleased you disagree as most Western people would agree with you. However falling in love led Romeo and Juliette to their deaths, yet we have whole industries devoted to falling in iove. And Juliette was only 14 years old, and a victim of statutory rape, and under the legal control of her parents. And some cultures dispense with love and have arranged marriages. And depth analysis of falling love leads us back to childhood and our parents.

Why is it that the psychoanalysis of falling in love is so uniformly resisted in the West? What don't we want to know?

The story of Romeo and Juliet is about tragic infatuation. The two of them knew nothing of the other. They only knew the stirring in their respective undergarments. Real romantic connections are built upon respect, common interests, true emotional connection. This requires actually getting to know the other person. I have no issue with love be analyzed, as all things can be. But you made the statement that love is a consumer item, and cannot last. It is that statement that I take issue with. One can easily point the irrational nature of love. It is irrational. That is part of its beauty. It is purely emotional. I wish to be clear, I am not upset or angry. I simply disagree with a specific part of your original statement. Romeo and Juliet, while a lovely and tragic story, were a fictitious pair of characters. I would be appalled at anyone in real life trying to emulate them. A lot of people died senselessly in that story, merely because of over-active hormones. Apologies to any fans of the bard. :D
 

Agent Washington

Softserve Ice Cream
Joined
Jan 24, 2017
Messages
2,053
I am pleased you disagree as most Western people would agree with you. However falling in love led Romeo and Juliette to their deaths, yet we have whole industries devoted to falling in iove. And Juliette was only 14 years old, and a victim of statutory rape, and under the legal control of her parents. And some cultures dispense with love and have arranged marriages. And depth analysis of falling love leads us back to childhood and our parents.

Why is it that the psychoanalysis of falling in love is so uniformly resisted in the West? What don't we want to know?

i, too, nut to lacan

... in all seriousness, arranged marriages isnt the way to go either, but i am very fond of what lacan (and zizek) has to say about love and desire.

idk, on some level you cant just theorise and then not live your life.
 

highlander

Administrator
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INTJ
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Simple question...how do you know when you have fallen in love with someone? Not lust or infatuation, but all the way, genuine love? What is/was that like for you? How were you around the object of your affection?

You just know
 

Lexicon

Temporal Mechanic
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Though this is still rather applicable across the board, I thought this was interesting.

While I personally reject the concept of a soul or soulmate- the phrasing aside- I found the INFJ description very relatable, in terms of what is the most vital internal indicator that I've found a good partner. Ignoring all the usual stuff in these articles that blow smoke up INFJ’s asses about how special (etc) they are, of course. The feeling described is accurate, for me.

Others may connect with theirs. I think most of the values described could be said for anyone regardless of type. I guess it’s just a matter of which might stand out to you the most.

The Myers Briggs Guide to Knowing You’ve Found Your Soulmate | Observer
 

Mole

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Joined
Mar 20, 2008
Messages
20,284
Though this is still rather applicable across the board, I thought this was interesting.

While I personally reject the concept of a soul or soulmate- the phrasing aside- I found the INFJ description very relatable, in terms of what is the most vital internal indicator that I've found a good partner. Ignoring all the usual stuff in these articles that blow smoke up INFJ’s asses about how special (etc) they are, of course. The feeling described is accurate, for me.

Others may connect with theirs. I think most of the values described could be said for anyone regardless of type. I guess it’s just a matter of which might stand out to you the most.

The Myers Briggs Guide to Knowing You’ve Found Your Soulmate | Observer

Just as astrology is plausible, so mbti is plausible. But both fail the tests of evidence and reason and common morality.
 

Lexicon

Temporal Mechanic
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Just as astrology is plausible, so mbti is plausible. But both fail the tests of evidence and reason and common morality.

Even things lacking solid evidence can prove useful in their own way. So long as they aren’t looked at in terms of solid, static absolutes, since they certainly don’t fit that criteria. I figure it goes unsaid that humans are more complex than language allows for us to describe. There are many ways to go about understanding patterns of behavior, thinking, feeling, etc. Some don’t necessarily have to be concrete to have value. It’s all in how you use it.

As my cat might say if he could speak English... “Boxes sure can fun to explore- just please don’t seal it while I’m inside.”
 
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