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INTJ Relationship Cost/benefit Analysis

INTerran

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I read something the other day in a blog post or article on INTJs and relationships and it mentioned cost/benefit analysis, but it didn't explain anything about it from an INTJ perspective. Can y'all shed some light on how this process works with INTJs? What factors in? How long can it go on? What do you do once you've completed your analysis and the outcome is good or bad for a relationship?
 

Sacrophagus

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Most INTJs impose a barrier of high expectations for their partners, since in all equity, they even more stricly obligate themselves to live up to these expectations too. Once they relinquish this suffocating need, they can start appreciating their partner for who they are, instead of what they should be/can be.

Intellectual stimulation is preffered or just a little bit of discernment, attraction, growth, authenticity, harmony, healthy ethics, and independence are things that INTJs put as a high priority. In exchange, their loyalty and the effort they put in to improve everything are unprecedented.

According to their subjective definitions, assessment of the parameters of the relationship, and their personal experiences, if these criteria are not met, and they feel stagnated, or worse, suffocated, INTJs walk away.

The cost/benefit analysis you're looking for is highly subjective though. Each INTJ has their own story, no, each person has their own story.
 

Coriolis

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I read something the other day in a blog post or article on INTJs and relationships and it mentioned cost/benefit analysis, but it didn't explain anything about it from an INTJ perspective. Can y'all shed some light on how this process works with INTJs? What factors in? How long can it go on? What do you do once you've completed your analysis and the outcome is good or bad for a relationship?
Nearly any choice can be subject to a cost/benefit analysis, relationships included. Relationships take effort, energy, time, sacrifice. Ideally, they also bring benefits to us, like companionship, intimacy, support, financial stability. The values on both sides of the equation will vary with time, sometimes significantly so. We may feel like we are (and actually be) putting much more into a relationship than we are getting out, at least for a time. If that continues indefinitely, though, we may start to question the value of remaining in it. Each person must decide for him/herself where this balance lies. It is in seeing it as a balance in the first place, and evaluating it as such, that the notion of cost/benefit analysis comes into play.
 

Poki

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Nearly any choice can be subject to a cost/benefit analysis, relationships included. Relationships take effort, energy, time, sacrifice. Ideally, they also bring benefits to us, like companionship, intimacy, support, financial stability. The values on both sides of the equation will vary with time, sometimes significantly so. We may feel like we are (and actually be) putting much more into a relationship than we are getting out, at least for a time. If that continues indefinitely, though, we may start to question the value of remaining in it. Each person must decide for him/herself where this balance lies. It is in seeing it as a balance in the first place, and evaluating it as such, that the notion of cost/benefit analysis comes into play.

Yes, but do INTJs fall into the N trap of thinking they know the answers without a lot of actual direct experience? They tend to use the past knowledge experience to dictate the here and now which may or may not apply. I personally don't find INTJ cost benefit analysis very good for picking out a relationship as they don't fully see the person or situation in front of them, but a mere set of cost benefit analysis concepts that have a higher priority. Basically create a lot of concepts with little data. While the concepts do fit the data, they don't always fit real life based on how often the data appears or the minute detail of it that's missed due to the quick disconnect from life into concepts.
 

Poki

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Most INTJs impose a barrier of high expectations for their partners, since in all equity, they even more stricly obligate themselves to live up to these expectations too. Once they relinquish this suffocating need, they can start appreciating their partner for who they are, instead of what they should be/can be.

Intellectual stimulation is preffered or just a little bit of discernment, attraction, growth, authenticity, harmony, healthy ethics, and independence are things that INTJs put as a high priority. In exchange, their loyalty and the effort they put in to improve everything are unprecedented.

According to their subjective definitions, assessment of the parameters of the relationship, and their personal experiences, if these criteria are not met, and they feel stagnated, or worse, suffocated, INTJs walk away.

The cost/benefit analysis you're looking for is highly subjective though. Each INTJ has their own story, no, each person has their own story.

INTJs expect a set of standards from their partner that match what they think will be. Some standards are high, others are low and the amount of high/low vary based on the past. The history of the INTJ will dictate this. One who has experienced more healthy relationships will have higher standards and concepts to uphold, while those around more unhealthy relationships will build concepts around being unhealthy and the way things are. IJs like EPs are actually very much driven by their perception of life more so then an EJ/IP who are more driven by the judgment of life.

Mental masturbation is preferred...lol
 

INTJMom

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I read something the other day in a blog post or article on INTJs and relationships and it mentioned cost/benefit analysis, but it didn't explain anything about it from an INTJ perspective. Can y'all shed some light on how this process works with INTJs? What factors in? How long can it go on? What do you do once you've completed your analysis and the outcome is good or bad for a relationship?
I am more likely to use such a List BEFORE I get into a relationship.
I usually have a good idea of what I am looking for in a companion.
When I was 14, I made a list of what I was looking for.
I wanted someone who didn't smoke or drink.
My list probably had a dozen items on it.
If I met someone that I liked then I found out they smoked or drank, a lot of times I would lower my "standard" rather than leave the relationship because I didn't want to be alone.
Right before I met my husband, I had decided I wasn't going to lower my standards any more.
When I told him I couldn't date him because he drank, he gave up drinking.

He passed away 8 years ago and I have been alone since then.
While I would love to have another such relationship,
I just don't have the emotional energy to deal with all the ups and downs of dating.
However - I AM working on a list of qualifications that the prospective mate would need to have! Hahaha!
The fact is that I tend to develop a crush easily... on anybody.
I put people on a pedestal and don't see their negative qualities for a long time.
The list is for my protection and to help me to remember what I'm looking for.
 

Coriolis

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Yes, but do INTJs fall into the N trap of thinking they know the answers without a lot of actual direct experience? They tend to use the past knowledge experience to dictate the here and now which may or may not apply. I personally don't find INTJ cost benefit analysis very good for picking out a relationship as they don't fully see the person or situation in front of them, but a mere set of cost benefit analysis concepts that have a higher priority. Basically create a lot of concepts with little data. While the concepts do fit the data, they don't always fit real life based on how often the data appears or the minute detail of it that's missed due to the quick disconnect from life into concepts.
IME the highlighted is much more typical of INTPs, probably influenced by tert Si. In fact, my INTP indulges in it quite frequently. INTJs are more likely to extrapolate too far from scanty current direct experiences (Ni plus inf Se), rather than to put overmuch stock in the past. Sure, we might be wary in a new relationship because of negative experiences in previous ones, but we will weigh heavily how the other person behaves in the here-and-now. In fact, we are often willing to overlook serious past failings if the person is demonstrating "good behavior" more recently. This goes for non-romantic relationships as well, e.g. giving someone with a poor record a chance on the job if they seem motivated and understand where they went wrong before and how to correct that..
 

anticlimatic

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I read something the other day in a blog post or article on INTJs and relationships and it mentioned cost/benefit analysis, but it didn't explain anything about it from an INTJ perspective. Can y'all shed some light on how this process works with INTJs? What factors in? How long can it go on? What do you do once you've completed your analysis and the outcome is good or bad for a relationship?
I feel like INTJs might be the only type to apply a Te heavy boardroom tactic like this to their relationships.

Im like "is the sex good? It is? K the rest can work itself out, lets do this."
 

highlander

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Yes, but do INTJs fall into the N trap of thinking they know the answers without a lot of actual direct experience? They tend to use the past knowledge experience to dictate the here and now which may or may not apply. I personally don't find INTJ cost benefit analysis very good for picking out a relationship as they don't fully see the person or situation in front of them, but a mere set of cost benefit analysis concepts that have a higher priority. Basically create a lot of concepts with little data. While the concepts do fit the data, they don't always fit real life based on how often the data appears or the minute detail of it that's missed due to the quick disconnect from life into concepts.
Yeah I don't agree with this either. INTJs are focused on the future not the past Past experiences are data points but nothing more It's all about projecting what will happen the future Si dom and aux are the ones that focus on past experiences more.
 

Poki

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Yeah I don't agree with this either. INTJs are focused on the future not the past Past experiences are data points but nothing more It's all about projecting what will happen the future Si dom and aux are the ones that focus on past experiences more.

Past experiences are not data points. Past experiences are what you pick up. Ni does not pick up past data points, it picks up past concepts which i believe is what i said. There is a huge difference between the 2.

INTJ boss: we did this in the other group and this is why it didnt work...insert concept here. Take your pick of future or past....i see both. Past leading to future. INTJ are just as heavy past as INTJ UNLESS you add the word data points. Its a different story when you "qualify" it. I come across this alot with INTJs. Its different then ISTJs which i agree are data points.

"assumptions" - things left out that are just assumed based on...
 

highlander

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Past experiences are not data points. Past experiences are what you pick up. Ni does not pick up past data points, it picks up past concepts which i believe is what i said. There is a huge difference between the 2.

INTJ boss: we did this in the other group and this is why it didnt work...insert concept here. Take your pick of future or past....i see both. Past leading to future. INTJ are just as heavy past as INTJ UNLESS you add the word data points. Its a different story when you "qualify" it. I come across this alot with INTJs. Its different then ISTJs which i agree are data points.

"assumptions" - things left out that are just assumed based on...

I don't think you understand how introverted intuition works. You're making assertions based on what you are observing without knowing what's going on behind the scenes. It's about amassing a number of data points of various kinds and intuiting what is going to happen in the future. The more data points, the more accurate the prediction is. The idea of a concept falls far down the chain to the actual predication as to what would happen or the insight to explain why something has happened in the past (which is only useful because of its future predictive value). What you are saying sounds more INTPish. The perception of an INTJ can change quickly if evidence presents itself to the contrary. It's previous experience, actual facts, broader historical experiences and trends, indicators of future trends, what experts are saying, what is observed in body language, etc. All these collective data points are evaluated and somehow crystalized into a view on some particular thing. I think you're trying to narrow down the thinking to a much narrower lens than is accurate. We might appear speak in concepts at times but it is more about the insight with respect to a particular situation. Why did things turn out the way they did? What might happen in the future?

I think you are unknowingly oversimplifying this because you are a thinker and a sensor. It's much more complex than you realize or than the vast majority of people understand.

It doesn't mean the way of thinking is superior. It can be horribly and drastically wrong if the data points are inadequate for example.

Also, when you are speaking "assumptions" this classical introverted thinking at play. For an introverted intuitive, it matters far less that the thinking is correct. What matters is accurately predicting what will happen. Logic is important but secondary. It's the end result that matters.
 

chubber

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  1. Do I find the person attractive?
  2. Do I find the person attractive tomorrow?
  3. Why can't I stop staring at this person?
  4. What does this person like?
  5. Why does this person like what they like?
  6. What kind of person are they?
  7. Will this person hear me out?
  8. What will happen if I do X?
  9. Are we alone?
  10. Waiting for opportunity
  11. Person invites opportunity to engage in communication or social interaction. INTJ misses it, over thinks when person tries send signals.
  12. Waiting for opportunity
  13. Proceed with first attempt to actual communication.
  14. Person moved on long ago.

Life :doh:
 

chubber

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Yes, but do INTJs fall into the N trap of thinking they know the answers without a lot of actual direct experience? They tend to use the past knowledge experience to dictate the here and now which may or may not apply. I personally don't find INTJ cost benefit analysis very good for picking out a relationship as they don't fully see the person or situation in front of them, but a mere set of cost benefit analysis concepts that have a higher priority. Basically create a lot of concepts with little data. While the concepts do fit the data, they don't always fit real life based on how often the data appears or the minute detail of it that's missed due to the quick disconnect from life into concepts.

I agree :uwin:
 

Poki

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I don't think you understand how introverted intuition works. You're making assertions based on what you are observing without knowing what's going on behind the scenes. It's about amassing a number of data points of various kinds and intuiting what is going to happen in the future. The more data points, the more accurate the prediction is. The idea of a concept falls far down the chain to the actual predication as to what would happen or the insight to explain why something has happened in the past (which is only useful because of its future predictive value). What you are saying sounds more INTPish. The perception of an INTJ can change quickly if evidence presents itself to the contrary. It's previous experience, actual facts, broader historical experiences and trends, indicators of future trends, what experts are saying, what is observed in body language, etc. All these collective data points are evaluated and somehow crystalized into a view on some particular thing. I think you're trying to narrow down the thinking to a much narrower lens than is accurate. We might appear speak in concepts at times but it is more about the insight with respect to a particular situation. Why did things turn out the way they did? What might happen in the future?

I think you are unknowingly oversimplifying this because you are a thinker and a sensor. It's much more complex than you realize or than the vast majority of people understand.

It doesn't mean the way of thinking is superior. It can be horribly and drastically wrong if the data points are inadequate for example.

Also, when you are speaking "assumptions" this classical introverted thinking at play. For an introverted intuitive, it matters far less that the thinking is correct. What matters is accurately predicting what will happen. Logic is important but secondary. It's the end result that matters.

To complicated for a sensor...lmao. lets have fun and flip it. Reality is to complicated for an intuitive to understand.

Introverted intuition is a perceiving function that focuses its energy on thoughts, ideas, and concepts that may reveal something in the future. It analyzes the past and present and connects dots to (often) accurately reveal to the Ni user a “vision” or perception of what is to come.Aug 10, 2015

Remove accurate...as thats a biased opinion. I actually find it accurate when placed in situations that resemble the past experiences, in new situations that are different its like throwing darts at a dart board not realizing we are playing poker. It matches EXACTLY what i said. I think you are making this more complicated then it actually is a common INTJ trait.

I have never thought of N as superior, i grew up around them. I know the good/bad aside from what "theoretical" says. I actually work very well with them because of that.
 

Coriolis

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Remove accurate...as thats a biased opinion. I actually find it accurate when placed in situations that resemble the past experiences, in new situations that are different its like throwing darts at a dart board not realizing we are playing poker. It matches EXACTLY what i said. I think you are making this more complicated then it actually is a common INTJ trait.

I have never thought of N as superior, i grew up around them. I know the good/bad aside from what "theoretical" says. I actually work very well with them because of that.
"Accurate" in an abstract discussion may be unsupportable. For an individual Ni-dom, however, it is descriptive and justified based on their track record of how closely those analyses and projections correspond to what actually happens. Most of us learn to weight our predictions accordingly, knowing when we have a greater or lesser likelihood of being right, based on past performance. As the financial brochures note, past performance is no guarantee of future success, but it is worthwhile information, just like the track record of a company or financial manager.

IME in relationships we are more likely to be wrong, simply because of the nature of the information involved. If we are insightful or just a bit lucky, we will realize this weigh our analyses accordingly. If not . . . well, the world no doubt is full of INTJs who have gone down that path.
 

Poki

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"Accurate" in an abstract discussion may be unsupportable. For an individual Ni-dom, however, it is descriptive and justified based on their track record of how closely those analyses and projections correspond to what actually happens. Most of us learn to weight our predictions accordingly, knowing when we have a greater or lesser likelihood of being right, based on past performance. As the financial brochures note, past performance is no guarantee of future success, but it is worthwhile information, just like the track record of a company or financial manager.

IME in relationships we are more likely to be wrong, simply because of the nature of the information involved. If we are insightful or just a bit lucky, we will realize this weigh our analyses accordingly. If not . . . well, the world no doubt is full of INTJs who have gone down that path.

I do honestly think that Js are MUCH better at finding that right person at an older age then a younger age. Not saying Ps are better at a younger age, just i noticed Js tend to put happiness as opposed to goals or other things much higher in the required range at an older age. That tends to be when they find it.

In regard to predictions...its solely based on the INTJs experience in that area, though they tend to think they are right as thats what they see as the answer. Maybe as someone who is competent and not sees things for what they are, i dont fall into the "common" traps INTJs "see" as others do.

INTJs also dont see others strengths so when they "see" an issue in the future they tend to base the outcome not on the person who deals with it, but on their own judgement of intensity of the situation. This makes others paths look stupid because all hells gonna break loose when in actuality it wont because the person involved has no problems handling what an INTJ deems as hell. ISTJs face the same issue with their perception. Us introverted judging doms are the opposite actually as we know that some people can handle situations so as opposed to a stop the world shit is gonna hit the fan we actually sit back and watch to see how the person does as a method to build our framework. In "introverted only" INTJ will be blind to that fact and can not get past yis own introverted feelings to actually see the world and adjust his own perceptions to the fact.

What is better...pre or post analysis...actually depends on the other people involved. I am biased as i lean to post because you miss so much learning and reality by stopping things and cutting them off early when you can just tread softly and adjust and adapt as things come up. Use the foresight to prepare and adjust as you go.
 

burningranger

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What are some good examples of female INTJ celebrities? I use to be a good typer, but now I'm dumb af. I've been curious to meet an INTJ chick all my life to see if this ENFP+INTJ chemistry thing is true or a decadent lie meant to hypnotize the masses. I need me some references for visualization purposes. Help me?:smile:
 

Tilt

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I do honestly think that Js are MUCH better at finding that right person at an older age then a younger age. Not saying Ps are better at a younger age, just i noticed Js tend to put happiness as opposed to goals or other things much higher in the required range at an older age. That tends to be when they find it.

In regard to predictions...its solely based on the INTJs experience in that area, though they tend to think they are right as thats what they see as the answer. Maybe as someone who is competent and not sees things for what they are, i dont fall into the "common" traps INTJs "see" as others do.

INTJs also dont see others strengths so when they "see" an issue in the future they tend to base the outcome not on the person who deals with it, but on their own judgement of intensity of the situation. This makes others paths look stupid because all hells gonna break loose when in actuality it wont because the person involved has no problems handling what an INTJ deems as hell. ISTJs face the same issue with their perception. Us introverted judging doms are the opposite actually as we know that some people can handle situations so as opposed to a stop the world shit is gonna hit the fan we actually sit back and watch to see how the person does as a method to build our framework. In "introverted only" INTJ will be blind to that fact and can not get past yis own introverted feelings to actually see the world and adjust his own perceptions to the fact.

What is better...pre or post analysis...actually depends on the other people involved. I am biased as i lean to post because you miss so much learning and reality by stopping things and cutting them off early when you can just tread softly and adjust and adapt as things come up. Use the foresight to prepare and adjust as you go.

I agree. From experience, INTJs don't seem much better at picking people because they can succumb to the same follies as most other people. Actually, because the type tends to be more socially reserved, they can rationalize toxic relational situations and stick with them easily with the ability to readily compartmentalize overall objectives over emotions. Loneliness + the urge to problem-solve + lesser confidence in Ni+Fi in regards to interpersonal matters can sometimes mean they will prolong unhealthy situations but when they make up their mind to end things, it's over. It's like they know something is up, but if it doesn't make complete logical sense, there seems to be doubt and indecision. In contrast, with my Fe+Ni, I am quick to see things and back away.
 

laintpe

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Intp w/ Intj. The J isn't totally apparent outside of work and arguments with others. I'm definitely the more obsessive planner and anticipator of disaster. He makes choices and I'm always freaking out over whether enough prep has been put into that decision. Overall the balance is good, but my anxiety surely isn't quelled by the Jness.
 
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