ISTP / INFPThe Mechanic and the IdealistAn Introverted Relationship
Introverted relationships tend to be quiet, with far more going on under the surface than would be apparent to an outside observer. Sometimes this surface breaks and these relationships can explode into furious times of creative activity or passion, when the true thoughts, feelings and needs of partners can express in powerful ways. At rare times this can open a schism which can break a relationship apart, but normally it results in a cathartic re-establishment of balance and a return to quietness, achieved through a mutual work of creative adjustment to each partner’s previously private ideas, emotions or personal directions. On the whole, introverted relationships tend to be secure and mutually beneficial where the partners have deep feeling for one another or a shared interest in outcomes. Because of their natural tendency to keep to themselves those things which might create friction in their outer life, introverts of the most diverse character and interests can work well together and easily form harmonious relationships where a common goal or life direction exists.
ISTP/INFP Relationship Dynamics
In this relationship, strong function introverted thinking crosses with introverted feeling, while secondary function extraverted sensation crosses with extraverted intuition. This makes these partners complementary opposites, whose differing attitudes and needs might either oppose each other or join hands together, depending on the situation, the strength of their preferences and their level of self awareness.
Between strongly introverted types, this relationship will be more brittle and difficult to navigate than for those with a more balanced approach to the world. The dynamics which ultimately mediate the relationship will remain much the same, but will be easier to deal with for those with a more developed secondary functionality and stronger sense of connection to the world.
Where feeling is supported by an intuitive vision of the world, it is not so much “what is†that holds the energy of a situation, but is more “what could beâ€. As an introvert, the INFP drive is to try and mould situations to match their most ideal representation. That this is possible in the human world only to an imperfect extent means the INFP is rarely completely at home within, or completely satisfied with, any situation. Consequently, they spend a lot of personal energy imaging new or better situations, while those whose currency has devalued receive less and less attention. This dynamic is often visible to others in the condition of their daily life and relationships, where the imagery of their expressed hopes and dreams contrasts sharply with the leftovers from previous attempts to match reality to imagined ideal.
This way of seeing things is almost completely unfathomable to the ISTP, for whom making the best of what you actually have is second nature. The fact that their INFP partner’s search is for a feeling based human ideal rather than a more perfect and objective structural form or functionality merely adds to their difficulty in understanding their partner’s needs. Any answers they might get to their question: “So, what is it you actually want?†will be mostly incomprehensible in their ISTP language. That the ways and needs of the ISTP are also just as incomprehensible to the inner language of the INFP means a translator is needed, and without the intervention of other types who might be able to provide such a translation, finding a common language for this relationship will be one of the highest priorities for its ongoing development.
Because of the ways in which sensation and intuition can often both mimic and compensate one another, the attitudes of newly acquainted partners to a proposed project or future situation can appear to be similar or aligned. Both thinking and feeling will at first tend to reserve judgment in the initial stages of a promising relationship, so there will be a tendency for both to see value in each others attitudes. Not only this, but in cross gender relationships, each partner will provide a considerable hook for the projection of the other’s sexual type shadow; each finding the other positively “fascinating†to a certain degree. Unless they are consciously recognized and used as tools for development, such initial fascinations can work against any early development of the relationship. If simply allowed to be what they seem, gaining a true and clear appreciation of each other’s real nature and needs will be virtually impossible until they fade.
In same gender relationships between friends and acquaintances, this shadow projection has no positive fascinating qualities and is simply one’s own weaker nature reflected in the strengths of another person’s behavior. At worst, this tends to make everything the other does or says either irritating or frustrating to some degree. In other words, their behavior “fascinates†us in a negative manner, and forces us to either reject it out of hand or to try and come to terms with it.
We can see then, through the ISTP/INFP relationship, each is forced to come to terms with their own type shadow, their own weaker side, which to a greater or lesser degree, neither really understands as their own problem but as “something in the otherâ€. Both the positive cross gender shadow relationship and the negative same gender shadow relationship provide transactional behavior which bring out these differences. The need here is for both partners to gain sufficient self awareness to be able to recognize these transactions as chances to learn, to break through into the other’s way of seeing the world and in so doing, recognize their own limitations and weaknesses in these areas.
Recognizing and understanding one’s own limitations and seeing them as strengths in another removes the fascinating connection; the need for the other’s behavior to seem provocative. This allows us to say, “Ok, everyone has their good and bad bits. Maybe I can learn how yours work for you.â€
Dissolving the emotional affects that each other’s strengths and weakness provoke in their partner is the first step toward creating a mutual language of acceptance, in which real transactions of understanding can take place.
With partners who have at least come to an understanding of each other’s attitude and views there will still remain some fairly basic differences which will need to be “accommodated†rather than overcome. We cannot help being who we are and we cannot expect others to change just to suit us. Their needs must be filled in the way their nature demands, just as we expect ours should be. In this regard, there will be many human oriented things in which the INFP has great interest, but which the ISTP, honestly, couldn’t care less about. Conversely, the ISTP will have many mechanical, technical and operational interests in things which the INFP sees as being of little or no importance.
But relationships are far more about coming to terms with what each person is, rather than what they do or what they are personally interested in. Relationship accommodates difference; supporting and enhancing it. It does not measure itself by the alignment of each other’s interests, but by the way in which each supports the other. In a real relationship, “compromise†is not an option.
Making it Work
If this is a cross gender relationship, the “getting to know you†stages are usually going to be complicated by the tendency for the partners to “fall in love†with each other. “Falling in love†is truly a fall; a fall into the well of our own weaker side, where much that we find fascinating, funny, silly or quirky about our partner are really those things we automatically “forgive†in their behavior. They are the things we find “attractive†in the other, not only by their reflecting our own weaknesses in a positive light, but also by reflecting our strengths in “needful†ways which seem to irresistibly call to us; making us feel as if we must be as utterly “essential†to the other person as they feel to us.
Falling in love can bring a kind of alchemical dissolution of the opposites here, and can create, for a time, the conditions through which natural oppositions of attitude and interest are mediated through positive emotion. This can be sufficient to create the basis for an ongoing development, but it can just as easily forestall any real understanding of each other’s true self until the fascination wears off.
Between most extraverted types and some introverted types, it usually only takes the first “in your face†argument to dissolve this spell and for the relationship to then settle into a more consciously transactional phase. For these two types however, the INFP in particular, abrupt and open conflict is not a natural response to anything they feel as hurtful. Both these partners can hoard small hurts like leftovers, which then molder in their pantry of life until everything else goes off with them.
While an explosive argument can also, just as easily, end some relationships as quickly as they begin, so too can a slow but relentless build up of small resentments and misunderstandings gradually suck the life out of others. Without open and honest mediation of these small, “not quite worth talking about†difficulties, ISTP/INFP partners can reach a point where everything just seems to be no longer what it was, and no longer worth the trouble. Both the INFP and the ISTP need to be aware that it is in their nature to repress hurt and sidestep conflict, and that this is one of the most dangerous “seemingly right†things they do in relationship to another. Any such slow downhill ride created by this behavior needs to be halted immediately, or better still, never allowed to begin.
Between same sex partners where friendship or merely the ability to work together is the relationship target, the “getting to know you†process is going to be mostly about getting past any initial resistances they have to one another. Differences in attitude will be apparent right from the beginning, and while differences in interest and approach to certain situations will create obstacles, these will also be the major avenues for interpersonal transaction as each partner comes to confront and recognize the other’s quite often opposing ways.
In respect of their differing outlooks and attitudes, probably the hardest thing for both partners here to come to terms with is: “why it matters?†At those times when both are into what really satisfies them, the ISTP and the INFP can look at each other and wonder just why the things they see each other doing are so damn important. The things that the ISTP thinks most about and the things the INFP feels most strongly positive about might just as well exist in different universes.
Resolution of this difference cannot be easily mediated through a shared object or objective, but must come through recognition of each other’s inner reality and the way in which the objective world affects this reality. This can be “testingâ€, for the key here is for each to set their own ideas, needs and desires before the other in a way which “tests†them against the other’s rationale. Not for the purpose of criticism, but to discover the way in which each relates the other’s objectives to their own world. In this way, the partners build a picture of each other’s reality – not perhaps as something they can share, but as something they can objectify and allow for.
The INFP/ISTP relationship is going to be very much about this recognition. It means each partner finding the ways in which they can help each other to find their own fulfillment. It means: “I may not be able to give you this thing you want. I may not really even understand why you want it. But now that I know what it is, I will support your journey to find it.â€
The mediating space and time required for this inner connection to each other must be created and nurtured. It can be done through simple words and the uncritical acceptance of each other’s exposure of their interests, what turns them on, what turns them off, their joys and sorrows, etc. Without a recognition of the reality of each other’s inner world, it is all too easy for them to see each other’s outer behavior and the objects of their interest as being “beside the pointâ€, or of little or no value at all.
It is worth noting that within this relationship all the four functions are present in some measure. This means that, to the degree that each partner is willing to recognize and understand their own strength and weaknesses, this relationship has a potential space in which all aspects of a situation can be appreciated. Recognizing that our lack of adaptation to our partner’s strengths is indeed weakness on our part is the first step toward creating this space. For, as long as either partner in this relationship stands only upon the side of their strengths and admits no weakness in their perceptions, then this space will remain divided by a line neither will cross without emotional affect and the feeling they are compromising their own inner reality.
Here we provide some suggestions to enhance the development of this relationship.
ISTP suggestions:
INFP Suggestions:
- You’ve probably heard the saying that for some people, it is only the journey that matters. In your own way, you kind of understand this. You enjoy the creation and completion of each step in any long process which leads to a goal. You can even be quite competitive with yourself in this regard, driving yourself to make the result of each step forward more perfect than the last. What you don’t get is the idea that the finished product could be in any way irrelevant to the process. After all, that was what it was all about, wasn’t it? Now, there isn’t much point in banging on about “feeling†and “ideals†to a thinking/sensing type like yourself, so we need to look at things in a more systematic, mechanical way. From completing each step in a process that leads toward a goal, you gain energy. Seeing the result enlivens you, and keys you up for the next part of the process. This energy which comes from the use of your strengths is what makes you feel alive, of value. It gives you your strength of self worth. This value process, this finding of our self worth through our strengths is the same for everyone, but not everyone’s strengths are the same. For your INFP partner to gain this energy, they need to feel they are doing something which will lead to value, not in some concrete sense, but in the creation of a situation from which all gain some benefit. The feeling, the energy that flows from this sense of holding an idea in mind and working towards it is what enlivens them. For them it is the idea, the thought of what is possible which is the true object of their interest. The actual, concrete outcome of their pursuits is a fine thing, but it is not the object from which they gain their energy. For them, it is truly “the journey†that matters. Without it, they are empty.
- In the light of what we have said above, it is necessary to see that, for your partner, this way of being works at every level of their life, just as your own does for you. So, the “journey toward the ideal†does not just represent itself in great doings or desires, but in the way they value every object and situation in their life. You will notice that the things they keep, the things “close to their heartâ€, always seem to represent something further; that they are not so much valued for being what they are, but for their symbolizing something greater. You need to respect this, to discover and understand the things they point toward, for these are the true creators of energy in your partner’s life. No-one is suggesting that you need also to find value in these things, but that you recognize the value such things have for your partner. In this way you can enable them, through your own strengths, to more fully express these values. Remember, that you too are included in this valuing process, that your own personality represents an ideal to your partner. For them, your own journey towards making yourself a better, more fully accomplished person is a real enactment of their feelings for you.
- At the mention of any new idea or object, your own practical thinking process gets straight into gear, analyzing it, working out how it will come together with everything else, etc. This is natural for you, but it’s a might tedious for your partner – particularly when the idea or object is something related to their own needs. For them, clinical or mechanical “appreciations†are actually “depreciationsâ€, for they not only miss the focus of the energy within the situation for them, but by doing so make it seem that you are devaluing its reality. The answer to this is not so difficult in practice. Simply try to see what is being put before you as a symbol, as a representation of a possible idea. The key is not in the thing itself, but in what it represents to your partner. So you don’t have to get stuck into the mechanics straight up. All you have to do is take the right attitude, the kind which says: “Okay, so how would you like to deal with this? Are there practical ways in which you would like me to deal with it?â€
For both partners:
- “Oh, don’t bother me with the details.†How many times have you thought or said that? All those fussy little “real†bits that people always bring into the argument which only take the shine off the goal ahead. Sometimes you wonder if you must be the only person who can see the real point of the thing. Well, it is possible that you are – particularly if this is a personal goal, something that has moved you privately. Your partner certainly won’t see it as you can. They will see the real world aspects, along with all those logistical and problematic little technical details they create that you find so bothersome. The thing is, they are not devaluing your vision by attending to such things. Concentrating on such matters is the only way forward for them, the only way to produce the very purpose you see. If they simply waved your idea away, then you would have just reason to be affronted. But if they are getting into the details and the technical problems then at least they are considering your idea. You know that without the idea, without the necessary feeling, there is nothing. But without the technical means as well, then the idea and the feeling remains just that; something uncreated and unfulfilled.
- In the light of what we have said above, you have to look at how your interests can intersect with your partner’s personality in ways they can enhance by being involved. This may not be simple, as many of your positive connections and desires work more within the human world of feeling than the sensate world of external, nut and bolt reality. But every momentary human feeling also looks forward – you know this. And this forward or “future possible†aspect means there is always a demand for the sensate, logical world to create ways in which such feelings can be made operational; to be available to all. For instance, a church might be a group of people, but in reality they need a place of worship. The designers, stonemasons, and builders may not share your faith, but they are necessary and worthy parts of its establishment in the real world. If you think of it this way, then you will see the many possible ways in which your ideas might engage your partner’s positive energy, rather than leaving them to be a mere “outsider†whose skills “miss the pointâ€.
- There are ways of putting things which can either include others or actually exclude them. The Tao, or “the way†of the Chinese enhances the idea that people who have worked together toward a goal will then say “we did itâ€. The idea or the focus of the goal may have come from one person, and it may only have been through the realization of it’s purpose that others came to see or understand its value. So at the outset, inclusive ways of making one’s ideas known tend to draw others into our thoughts. Exclusive ways of expression give the listener the idea that you think: “only I can see it, only I can feel this.†This makes them far more likely to sit back and merely criticize your idea than to feel they can contribute towards its expression. When you are gripped by an idea, make sure you find ways in which to include your partner in your appreciation of it; offer them some hooks by which to catch their attention. Find ways to say “do you think we could†or “do you think we can†as often as possible, but never forget to allow them their space in such conversations. Let them, as far it is possible for them to do so, become a bridge to your dreams; not a barrier.
- You both need space and time to attend to your interests and to draw in the energy they bring. However, the way you each use this space and time to its best will be quite different. It is quite possible that you will not be able to use a shared space for all these pursuits. Try and ensure that your own needs can be met in this regard, without encroaching upon the time and space your partner needs for themselves. If this means creating separate areas of focus for each of you, then try to make it so. Remember, your partner’s needs are as important as yours and that the space they need to enact these needs may require quite different aspects. Some of these aspects may seem to have little meaning for you, so it is all the more important that you respect these. In fact, the more care you take for the things in your partner’s life which seem to have no grip on your own ideas, the more they will respect your own individuality and needs.
The Key
If there is a key to this relationship then surely it must come through the recognition that there are truly some things we are lacking, some parts of our personality which just don’t rise to the occasion very well, and that these are the very things our partner can bring into our life. By recognizing this, we are then able to take a more objective view of our own personality, and locate ways in which we can use some of our partner’s energy and qualities to enhance our own weaker side. Mutual recognition of each other’s innate reality unlocks the potentials in this relationship. These two people are not going to become “joined at the hipâ€, but through mutual recognition and appreciation of each other’s qualities, can become joined in a place where nothing can enter to disturb the balance.
Its 2 people who naturally adapt to the other person. So what ends up happening is an adaptation to how someone adapts to you as opposed to it just being adapting to the other person. If your not used to this, it wont be something that is easily picked up on as its different then how you adapt and the way you adapt appears so natural to the other person its not as easy to pick up on. You start saying...wait, are you doing this for you or me and its hard to answer because the other perso. Is doing it for both them and you. Sometimes they dont see that they are doing it for them because the focus is on the other.
Its like there each person is 2 people, a Me and an Us, Us becomes one eventually and has been adapted to so m7ch that Me and Us are both perfectly happy states.
