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How to handle ENFP volatility/unpredictability

EG_j

New member
Joined
Aug 14, 2016
Messages
41
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Hi everyone,

a few weeks ago, I met a cute ENFP girl I really like and until yesterday everything went fine.
Since I am an INTP and I have trouble understanding other people (and in particular women), I have some questions to you ENFPs (and everyone who has some experience with ENFPs) and hope you can help me.

My situation is the following:
She is the sister of a female coworker/friend and I first met her at our study prom.
At the same weekend I helped them with the move into a new appartment because I promised it to my coworker (they both now live together with a common friend).
Thereafter she texted me to thank me for my help and eventually we met to watch a movie.
It was great and it didn't bother me that she didn't follow my move to kiss her, as she said because she "doesn't do this on the first meeting".
After that we had another meeting where we kissed, and a few days later we had a cinema date after which we kissed, too.

So when she invited me to "bake apple pie", I thought she would mean some other activity, too.
Instead, she totally rejected my moves (after cuddling pretty long and a little flirting) and it ended with a pretty weird conversation.
When she suddenly asked me about my intentions I foolishly started pussyfooting; I still don't know why I wasn't prepared for this.
After that, there were statements from her like: "I am volatile", "I don't want to hurt you", "Sometimes I think I don't have feelings at all",
"I don't want to be too nice, so I don't send the wrong signals" (my personal favourite, WTF?), "I don't want to ruin it",
"I don't want to do something and regret it later", "I want to take things slowly" and all the like, but she also mentioned that she likes me a lot, too.

I mean, right know I'm pretty pissed, since I would do everything for her... I always picked her up, helped her with stuff and paid everything.
The only time I requested her to do me a favor (to pick me up from the station after a weekend trip) she didn't do it, because she "had to console a friend" who got dumped.
In general she spends time with a lot of guys. She said this is due to her being more comfortable around guys and I really don't want to make a problem of it.
But she also mentioned that she had the reputation of exploiting guys and slowly I begin to understand why.
Somehow I get the impression that I get nothing back. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy spending time with her, but... I don't know. It just reminds me of the "hooked" episode of HIMYM. :D

Now I really don't know what to do. It has never been easy for me with women because of my INTP nature (overanalyzing) and she is the first one I am comfortable with
for quite a long time.
I really have a crush on her and could imagine a relationship with her (something that seemed far far away before I met her), but I also wonder whether both of us are ready for it.

Should I have gone all-in? How do you ENFPs like to be "asked out"? Are you straightforward or do you like to make a game out of it?
What's the matter with these contradictory signals?
Did I screw it up with my answer instead of being more direct?
How do you express romantic/sexual interest?

Thanks in advance,
EG
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
Hi everyone,

a few weeks ago, I met a cute ENFP girl I really like...



I mean, right know I'm pretty pissed, since I would do everything for her... I always picked her up, helped her with stuff and paid everything.
The only time I requested her to do me a favor (to pick me up from the station after a weekend trip) she didn't do it, because she "had to console a friend" who got dumped.


Hey EG, welcome!

I think all relationships are unique and should be allowed to develop and evolve organically as determined by the experience of the individuals involved...and not subject to socially constructed measures for health/worth/etc. such as time. In other words, I'm not someone that ever really thinks in terms of "too soon" and "too late".

Here though I feel somewhat differently... It concerns me that you have only known this ENFP for a few weeks... and yet already appear to be experiencing feelings of relationship resentment... like, "I give and give and give and get nothing (sex) in return" and are seeking ways to deal with her volatility. This doesn't sound good.

ENFPs have earned their reputations for being volatile and unpredictable this is certain...but in the example you provided I think what is going on is you are not taking her hints and outright statements...that while she likes you...she would like to take things slow. Telling you about her reputation for being volatile and maybe hurting some dudes...she's basically issuing you a warning. She doesn't want you to be under any false impressions and wishes to underscore the importance of taking baby steps. I get the sense that she wants to do things right in her next relationship...and in order to do this it needs to move slowly so she can remain mindful.

I'm thinking ^^if you can not accommodate this slower pace without feeling pissed and pressed upon...I would turn and run away as fast as you can.
 

Beargryllz

New member
Joined
Jun 7, 2010
Messages
2,719
MBTI Type
INTP
Always go all-in with every girl, every time unless you're determined to die alone. They love it, but they'll often pretend they don't so as not to appear slutty and therefore unappealing to you.

Better to ask forgiveness than ask permission. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Other motivational quotes work here too.

You're probably in the friendzone by now, but if you get another chance, eat her out ASAP before she slips away entirely.
 

ChocolateMoose123

New member
Joined
Oct 4, 2008
Messages
5,278
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Hi everyone,

a few weeks ago, I met a cute ENFP girl I really like and until yesterday everything went fine.
Since I am an INTP and I have trouble understanding other people (and in particular women), I have some questions to you ENFPs (and everyone who has some experience with ENFPs) and hope you can help me.

My situation is the following:
She is the sister of a female coworker/friend and I first met her at our study prom.
At the same weekend I helped them with the move into a new appartment because I promised it to my coworker (they both now live together with a common friend).
Thereafter she texted me to thank me for my help and eventually we met to watch a movie.
It was great and it didn't bother me that she didn't follow my move to kiss her, as she said because she "doesn't do this on the first meeting".
After that we had another meeting where we kissed, and a few days later we had a cinema date after which we kissed, too.

So when she invited me to "bake apple pie", I thought she would mean some other activity, too.
Instead, she totally rejected my moves (after cuddling pretty long and a little flirting) and it ended with a pretty weird conversation.
When she suddenly asked me about my intentions I foolishly started pussyfooting; I still don't know why I wasn't prepared for this.
After that, there were statements from her like: "I am volatile", "I don't want to hurt you", "Sometimes I think I don't have feelings at all",
"I don't want to be too nice, so I don't send the wrong signals" (my personal favourite, WTF?), "I don't want to ruin it",
"I don't want to do something and regret it later", "I want to take things slowly" and all the like, but she also mentioned that she likes me a lot, too.

I mean, right know I'm pretty pissed, since I would do everything for her... I always picked her up, helped her with stuff and paid everything.
The only time I requested her to do me a favor (to pick me up from the station after a weekend trip) she didn't do it, because she "had to console a friend" who got dumped.
In general she spends time with a lot of guys. She said this is due to her being more comfortable around guys and I really don't want to make a problem of it.
But she also mentioned that she had the reputation of exploiting guys and slowly I begin to understand why.
Somehow I get the impression that I get nothing back. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy spending time with her, but... I don't know. It just reminds me of the "hooked" episode of HIMYM. :D

Now I really don't know what to do. It has never been easy for me with women because of my INTP nature (overanalyzing) and she is the first one I am comfortable with
for quite a long time.
I really have a crush on her and could imagine a relationship with her (something that seemed far far away before I met her), but I also wonder whether both of us are ready for it.

Should I have gone all-in? How do you ENFPs like to be "asked out"? Are you straightforward or do you like to make a game out of it?
What's the matter with these contradictory signals?
Did I screw it up with my answer instead of being more direct?
How do you express romantic/sexual interest?

Thanks in advance,
EG

Oh man. You are in over your head.

First question to you: What do you want?

Relationship? Sex? Sex that leads to a relationship?

First answer that. Or at least, figure out where your line is. Would you be hurt if she didn't want more than a physical relationship?

You know, answer those questions. Then once you have them, you have a lot more control over YOUR boundaries and you know when she is stepping on them too hard or not.

That being said: It doesn't sound like she is that into you as more than a friend or a fling while remaining friends (provided you don't push for more) then she will cut ties. Then come back once things are settled if she thinks you're over her.
 

ChocolateMoose123

New member
Joined
Oct 4, 2008
Messages
5,278
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
Always go all-in with every girl, every time unless you're determined to die alone. They love it, but they'll often pretend they don't so as not to appear slutty and therefore unappealing to you.

Better to ask forgiveness than ask permission. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. Other motivational quotes work here too.

You're probably in the friendzone by now, but if you get another chance, eat her out ASAP before she slips away entirely.

This is good advice if OP just wants physical. Nothing wrong with seizing a moment.
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
It sounds like she is seeking for you to take control.

What does this look like? Or what does this entail?

I ask because I often see this provided as a solution to your common ENFP relationship issues...and yet just the *thought* of someone even considering attempting to control a moment of my time causes me to feel suffocated.

Rarely do you find an ENFP description that doesn't include some statement like:

Strongly dislikes controlling others or being controlled... Not to mention our issues with authority and so I always wonder what is going on?
 
Joined
Mar 2, 2016
Messages
625
Often when the emotions are uncertain then certainty from an outside source can lead to a sense of reassurance. In other words, make her melt
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
Often when the emotions are uncertain then certainty from an outside source can lead to a sense of reassurance. In other words, make her melt

Thanks for the explanation...I'm going to think about this because...I need to as it didn't really hit me one way or the other. But I appreciate it.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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Oct 4, 2008
Messages
5,278
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What does this look like? Or what does this entail?

I ask because I often see this provided as a solution to your common ENFP relationship issues...and yet just the *thought* of someone even considering attempting to control a moment of my time causes me to feel suffocated.

Rarely do you find an ENFP description that doesn't include some statement like:

Strongly dislikes controlling others or being controlled... Not to mention our issues with authority and so I always wonder what is going on?

Yuuup. :)

You have to be a strong match to an ENFP. (Which is why I asked OP to figure his wants/needs first). Know when to ease up, know when to push. Never control. Never take the reigns from a fist. Just control speed.

I wanted to call you to this thread. So I'm glad you're here.

I don't get long term interest from this description. I get that she is "I'm into Ne, don't trust Fi enough yet" ENFP. So...wants to roam a bit. Have fun but on fair terms. No emotional hijacks.

What do you think?
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
Yuuup. :)

You have to be a strong match to an ENFP. (Which is why I asked OP to figure his wants/needs first). Know when to ease up, know when to push. Never control. Never take the reigns from a fist. Just control speed.

I wanted to call you to this thread. So I'm glad you're here.

I don't get long term interest from this description. I get that she is "I'm into Ne, don't trust Fi enough yet" ENFP. So...wants to roam a bit. Have fun but on fair terms. No emotional hijacks.

What do you think?


With all the ENFP relationship stories I've read about on this site...I feel there's something significant in the fact that all the long-term, ultra-functional ones are with ISTPs and INFPs. I'm assuming this issue with control vs interdependence and loving guidance plays a decent sized role.

I think people may sometimes confuse who it is that wants what and why. I think so many Je doms and aux with their sense of duty, dedication, responsibility can often over-commit themselves and/or spread themselves too thin to the point where controlling everything around them is kinda the only way to streamline everything and get everything done. <-These are the people that I feel would most likely be responsive, appreciative, desiring of someone coming in and saying "I've got this." Not everyone obviously...but this would be your target group I imagine for the "let me take some of that control off your plate."

I, on the other hand, spend each and every day with little control of anything...and then someone swoops in and basically says "let me render you completely helpless". No thanks.

I think what must do wonders for the ENFPs ability to create a functional, self-sustaining life is just having someone there that actually believes they are capable of doing it.

I had such a hard time with the above scenario but I actually thought she did have some interest in the OP. I mean, all I can really do is assess..."ok if I did this...and then this...and then said this" etc. what would that mean?

It sounded to me that she had a large supply of male friends...and yet singled him out. If it was only for sex though she wouldn't have done the whole "let's take it slow" she would have slept with him immediately. The whole "let's bake apple pies" I took as trying to engage in a wholesome getting to know you activity...which I myself couldn't imagine putting together for a guy friend...like a guy friend I would be like...lets get the hell out of here and do something interesting because I don't need to carefully get to know you assessing my desire to bolt every five minutes.

I am with you though that I think he probably blew it.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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With all the ENFP relationship stories I've read about on this site...I feel there's something significant in the fact that all the long-term, ultra-functional ones are with ISTPs and INFPs. I'm assuming this issue with control vs interdependence and loving guidance plays a decent sized role.

I think people may sometimes confuse who it is that wants what and why. I think so many Je doms and aux with their sense of duty, dedication, responsibility can often over-commit themselves and/or spread themselves too thin to the point where controlling everything around them is kinda the only way to streamline everything and get everything done. <-These are the people that I feel would most likely be responsive, appreciative, desiring of someone coming in and saying "I've got this." Not everyone obviously...but this would be your target group I imagine for the "let me take some of that control off your plate."

I, on the other hand, spend each and every day with little control of anything...and then someone swoops in and basically says "let me render you completely helpless". No thanks.

I think what must do wonders for the ENFPs ability to create a functional, self-sustaining life is just having someone there that actually believes they are capable of doing it.

I had such a hard time with the above scenario but I actually thought she did have some interest in the OP. I mean, all I can really do and assess..."ok if I did this...and then this...and then said this" etc. what would that mean?

It sounded to me that she had a large supply of male friends...and yet singled him out. If it was only for sex though she wouldn't have done the whole "let's take it slow" she would have slept with him immediately. The whole "let's bake apple pies" I took as trying to engage in a wholesome getting to know you activity...which I myself couldn't imagine putting together for a guy friend...like a guy friend I would be like...lets get the hell out of here and do something interesting because I don't need to carefully get to know you assessing my desire to bolt every five minutes.

I am with you though that I think he probably blew it.

Ah. Ok. She still thought there was promise. I could see that too, and I entertained it...but what stopped me from telling him there was a chance was because I know how an inexperienced Fe inferior would take where he is and go forward.

Most likely you need a real strong sense of self before you can do that in a really effective manner. So, quite a bit of experience in dating and matters of the heart. Otherwise, that chance has a small window.
 

Starry

Active member
Joined
May 22, 2010
Messages
6,103
Ah. Ok. She still thought there was promise. I could see that too, and I entertained it...but what stopped me from telling him there was a chance was because I know how an inexperienced Fe inferior would take where he is and go forward.

Most likely you need a real strong sense of self before you can do that in a really effective manner. So, quite a bit of experience in dating and matters of the heart. Otherwise, that chance has a small window.



---

Wow


I'm glad you mentioned that because hope is not what I wanted to offer. His frustration with her already after only a few weeks? When the truth of it is...that ride hasn't even thought about leaving the Tarmac yet.

And what was interesting with regards to Listening's comment was my assessment of the OP was he was already being a little too controlling and pushy and owed. That is not going to go well.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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I'm glad you mentioned that because hope is not what I wanted to offer. His frustration with her already after only a few weeks? When the truth of it is...that ride hasn't even thought about leaving the Tarmac yet.

And what was interesting with regards to Listening's comment was my assessment of the OP was he was already being a little too controlling and pushy and owed. That is not going to go well.

Oh yeah. Plane has not left the tarmac! Not in feelings but interest.

She is no where near invested but has mild feeling. But you see he is? Not in terms of committment but "what could be" (Ne/Fe) He is very interested. Doesn't have strong feelings.

He's fast forwarding. Really, his heart is ahead of his emotions and doesn't realize it yet. But her feelings are ahead of her heart.
 

ceecee

Coolatta® Enjoyer
Joined
Apr 22, 2008
Messages
15,908
MBTI Type
INTJ
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8w9
there were statements from her like: "I am volatile", "I don't want to hurt you",

So when she lives up to it, you can't be at all shocked and you can't hold her at all responsible. She is counting on that. She is also counting on you to keep paying for everything and helping her with stuff and basically being at her disposal. You think you're pissed now? Just wait.
 

five sounds

MyPeeSmellsLikeCoffee247
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Jul 17, 2013
Messages
5,393
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ENFP
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729
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sx/sp
Oh man. You are in over your head.

First question to you: What do you want?

Relationship? Sex? Sex that leads to a relationship?

First answer that. Or at least, figure out where your line is. Would you be hurt if she didn't want more than a physical relationship?

You know, answer those questions. Then once you have them, you have a lot more control over YOUR boundaries and you know when she is stepping on them too hard or not.

That being said: It doesn't sound like she is that into you as more than a friend or a fling while remaining friends (provided you don't push for more) then she will cut ties. Then come back once things are settled if she thinks you're over her.

I think a lot of this is true. You definitely need to define and establish your own boundaries. She probably isn't sure what she wants, but knows she's not ready to jump in.

Based on my experience with INTPs, there's a harshness often times with Ti that puts me on guard. But also the Ne connection with introverted energy is very attractive. She probably just wants to get to know you with no pressure. It's up to you if you want to get to know her without expectations as well. If not, it sounds like she's trying to give you the space to say so.
 
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