• You are currently viewing our forum as a guest, which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community, you will have access to additional post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), view blogs, respond to polls, upload content, and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free, so please join our community today! Just click here to register. You should turn your Ad Blocker off for this site or certain features may not work properly. If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact us by clicking here.

Please shed some light on ENFP - INFJ situation

Lvly1

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
10
MBTI Type
INFJ
Hi guys,

INFJ here who was dating ENFP male. The relationship started intense from the beginning, driven by ENFP who seemed to be crazy about me. In true INFJ fashion I held back since I felt we were moving too fast and I wanted to know him better. As time passed my feelings started to grow and I started to fall for him. He might be "the one". We understood eachother so well, great chemistry and convos. I really loved being with him, his child like enthusiasm. He also said he has never felt in peace like this with anyone.

After 3 months we were so in love. Everything was beautiful. Until one night. He went away for this work trip and when he returned he wasnt the same. I noticed and asked whats wrong. It took him 2 days to tell me that at this trip he had met someone who had "rocked his world". This girl is 15 years younger and lives in another country. He said he wasnt sure things would work out between them but he couldnt ignore how he felt and that had made him realise him and I were not "meant to be".

I was beyond shocked. I could barely breathe. Its taken months for me to get back to life. I cant eat, I cant function. All I think of is WHY?? Why he did this. Why I wasnt enough? I still love him so much and just cant understand. I know few months isnt a long time but to me the emotional bond was so strong. Apparently not for him??!!

Recently I found out he has joined dating sites. So I guess his long distance dream girl didnt work out. But that hurts even more. That he dumped me and what we had for loneliness and dating sites?? Like was it THAT bad??

I cant talk to him Im too hurt. Anyone has any help on what on earth is this ENFP thinking? Why did he do this? Are they always so flaky? Did I dream our relationship??
 

Pionart

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 17, 2014
Messages
4,039
MBTI Type
NiFe
Is this chado?

Anyway,

rocked his world -> meant to be

Either: the person had an affair so broke it often rather than admitting what he had done

or

He realised that there are people that he connects better with than his girlfriend, and so knew that marriage would not work out in the long run.

However, option b) seems to not explain the break up, and I see that you neglected to include the information regarding the break up itself.

So, either he had an affair and was too ashamed to admit it, or the girl in question was not the reason.

He may have had work commitments.
 

Lvly1

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
10
MBTI Type
INFJ
He explained to me that reason for breakup was option b. That he realised he wouldnt have felt that way if I was the one. If that was unclear.
But WTF he just met this girl! After few hours he knows "they connect"?? Hello are you living on this planet. Or what was he doing with me then anyway if we didnt connect so well? I could have lived without!
 

Pionart

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 17, 2014
Messages
4,039
MBTI Type
NiFe
Option b) doesn't make sense, as I said. Would you only date a person if you were going to marry them? Would he stop dating a person if he knew he wasn't?
 

Lvly1

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
10
MBTI Type
INFJ
Im trying to understand typical ENFP behaviour here. The fact that "he just realised he isnt going to marry you" is nothing but a surface.
 

Pionart

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 17, 2014
Messages
4,039
MBTI Type
NiFe
Im trying to understand typical ENFP behaviour here. The fact that "he just realised he isnt going to marry you" is nothing but a surface.

Yeah, that's what I just said.

Isn't it?
 

Pionart

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 17, 2014
Messages
4,039
MBTI Type
NiFe
Yeah, that's what I just said.

Isn't it?


Yes so what is it. I didnt do anything wrong. We didnt argue. All I did was love and support him.
As I said earlier, you are leaving out rather important information, such as the breaking up bit. What did he say when he broke up with you, what were the circumstances? Explain a bit further.

And again, I gave the possible explanation that he may have had work commitments and not have been able to maintain the relationship.

Apart from that, you'll have to - or at least it would seem beneficial - to provide further information.
 

Pionart

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 17, 2014
Messages
4,039
MBTI Type
NiFe
I should include that I am going to have trouble understanding the motivations behind breaking up with a person.

I have had some online relationships that I ended due to becoming scared. These relationships were mostly based on text - typically without even video-calling.

So, having not broken up with anyone that I have been in a relationship with physically, that may prevent me from forming a viable conclusion.

--

Actually wait, that's not true, there was one time that I actually did break up with someone I was in a physical relationship. They broke up with me first and reluctantly took me back, however showed no interest from what I could tell at that point, so I ended it myself.

So I have broken up with someone before!

Cool, I actually have.

--

Not that you care about my life story xD

I just figured it could be relevant information to take into account when looking at my responses.
 

Lvly1

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
10
MBTI Type
INFJ
Well he just called and dumped me quickly. Didnt want to discuss much. He was just quiet not adding much. Work is not the issue he only works part time. He just made his decision, told me and wanted out. Just-like-that. To me that was so impulsive and mindless. Im thinking he must be on drugs or something lol
 

evilrubberduckie

New member
Joined
Jul 16, 2015
Messages
836
MBTI Type
ENTP
Enneagram
7w8
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Honestly. People treat words like they're empty, breakups happen all the time. Did you ever think that this may not be an ENFP thing but more of a "I'm a dick" thing?
 

Merced

Talk to me.
Joined
May 14, 2016
Messages
3,599
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Enneagram
28?
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
While I don't agree with him, I really understand his logic. Trying to get someone to fall in love with you is way more fun than being in love. Out of the few people I've dated, I've broken up with half of them because I just got bored.

My best relationship was with this ISTJ who wasn't into me as much as I was into him. Normally, that lack of reciprocation would really hurt, but it only fueled me to try harder. I was gonna get this boy to like me no matter what. Months I spent trying to get his attention, slowly but surely winning him over. He was everything I wanted. A calm, book smart, stick in the mud that could contrast and blend perfectly with my excited, on the spot, enthusiasm. When I finally won him over, when he finally accepted me, I was bored. It wasn't a bad or unexciting relationship, either. It was lovey-dovey and pure honeymoon bliss and I hated that. I also hated that I couldn't express this to him properly, because what kind of asshole goes "this is too nice"? Then, I found another guy, an INTJ, who vaguely disliked me, and the hunt was on again.

It is definitely an ENFP thing to say the least. Fi+Si latches on to a Ne generated concept of a relationship and Te refuses to back down until the goal is satisfied. When the goal is satisfied, Te backs off a bit and Ne becomes stifled and Si is just like "Been there, done that". I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you or make you feel like you weren't good enough. You probably were more than good enough and he wasn't developed enough to appreciate that.
 

CitizenErased

Clean Slate
Joined
Jan 5, 2016
Messages
552
Hi guys,

INFJ here who was dating ENFP male. The relationship started intense from the beginning, driven by ENFP who seemed to be crazy about me. In true INFJ fashion I held back since I felt we were moving too fast and I wanted to know him better. As time passed my feelings started to grow and I started to fall for him. He might be "the one". We understood eachother so well, great chemistry and convos. I really loved being with him, his child like enthusiasm. He also said he has never felt in peace like this with anyone.

After 3 months we were so in love. Everything was beautiful. Until one night. He went away for this work trip and when he returned he wasnt the same. I noticed and asked whats wrong. It took him 2 days to tell me that at this trip he had met someone who had "rocked his world". This girl is 15 years younger and lives in another country. He said he wasnt sure things would work out between them but he couldnt ignore how he felt and that had made him realise him and I were not "meant to be".

I was beyond shocked. I could barely breathe. Its taken months for me to get back to life. I cant eat, I cant function. All I think of is WHY?? Why he did this. Why I wasnt enough? I still love him so much and just cant understand. I know few months isnt a long time but to me the emotional bond was so strong. Apparently not for him??!!

Recently I found out he has joined dating sites. So I guess his long distance dream girl didnt work out. But that hurts even more. That he dumped me and what we had for loneliness and dating sites?? Like was it THAT bad??

I cant talk to him Im too hurt. Anyone has any help on what on earth is this ENFP thinking? Why did he do this? Are they always so flaky? Did I dream our relationship??

Hey there. My advice may seem cold (as in devoid of all feelings), but I have some observations:

1. That can happen with all MBTI types. Even if Ne-dom people are prone to change their interests quickly (not just in matters of love), that kind of thing can happen to/with everyone, because:

a. Love/Connecting with someone cannot be switched on or off. It happens out of nowhere.

b. Happens independently of having a relationship with someone. By this I mean, one can connect with someone while having a relationship, and one has the choice: to do something about it, or not doing something about it.

2. That the guy connected with someone doesn't mean that you weren't enough while he was dating you. It's like.. I don't know, silly example: you have a favourite candy flavour, and one day you try something new and you decide you like it more than your former favourite. That doesn't mean that your former favourite flavour had never been "the one", it means that, as of now, it's not anymore. So the "I'm not enough" is just nonsense.

a. Cherish things while you have them and don't stain them with late conclusions. You had the best three months of your life with that guy? Remember those months as "really good months" and move on instead of turning them into a source of pain.

3. He left you for a random girl that lives far away and now he's alone and checking for girls in websites. Yes, I understand it's sort of crazy, but...

a. Do you really want to date a guy with such poor skills for future planning? That's the kind of person that loses a house because they feel lucky at the casino.

b. Instead of being angry, just make fun of his misery. You're free to find someone that clicks better with you.

4. Why on Earth would you want to talk to him? Exboyfriend.guy -> ctrl+X -> Recycle Bin -> Ctrl+V -> "Do you want to delete this archive permanently?" -> Yes. Done. Move on.
 

Lvly1

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
10
MBTI Type
INFJ
Thanks for insight! I never said I want to talk to him or want him back and everyone keeps telling me hes an idiot asshole. I know all this. As INFJ I just struggle to move on because I cant understand his choices. Might not make sense but thats how I am.. I just need to clear my own mind so I can be ok again.

And yes he obviously just found a better "flavor" overnight. I just cant understand I would never ever be that flaky. Not for me this guy..
 

Cloudpatrol

Senior(ita) Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2016
Messages
2,163
[MENTION=26997]CitizenErased[/MENTION] Your post is insightful and brilliant. I was mentally applauding it as reading.


Regardless of 'figuring it out', it sucks [MENTION=29584]Lvly1[/MENTION]. So, I am sorry for the hurt you experienced :hug:


This guy gave you a gift. A prickly gift that stings, but still a present. He was honest. Being honest is hard. Other guy's might have misled you and explored the other girl at the same time, or been afraid to hurt you and just petered off or broken up by phone etc... He was forthright and that counts for something.

He didn't find a BETTER flavour. He found a different one. And, it sounds like he is still figuring out what flavour he will ultimately land on. I have made the mistake in the past of blaming myself when an engagement was broken (even though it was mutual). It wasn't until many years later when we met up again and talked that I finally understood it had nothing to do with me at all. My past love actually had wished that he could have loved me in the way he knew I deserved. He actually did me a HUGE favour in making it so that who I was actually meant to be with could enter my life.

This likely has very little to do with you. (Unless you KNOW that you acted poorly in some ways and are having feelings about that. But, I am thinking no because you have not mentioned regrets). This is about his progress as an individual. You not being right for each other doesn't mean that you were deficient or lacking. It simply means: you weren't a match.

There isn't a "one". Being told that when you are heart-broken can be frustrating and rage-inducing. But, it's a fact. Having one life-long love is a concept created by script-writers and Diamond companies. Is it possible to have a love of your life? Yes. For sure. But, life brings change (death, differing values, practical circumstances that can't be bridged...) and some love has an end. Is it possible to have ANOTHER love of your life? Yes. For sure.

Hope it doesn't take too long for you to process all that has happened and believe this for yourself :heart:

---

Updated cuz I remembered how great your post was too [MENTION=27952]sarcasmsunshine[/MENTION]. Honest and relatable :) I finally broke this pattern when I found the right person and was in the right place myself to feel deserving and open to real/quality interaction.
 

Lvly1

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
10
MBTI Type
INFJ
[MENTION=26997]CitizenErased[/MENTION] Your post is insightful and brilliant. I was mentally applauding it as reading.


Regardless of 'figuring it out', it sucks [MENTION=29584]Lvly1[/MENTION]. So, I am sorry for the hurt you experienced :hug:


This guy gave you a gift. A prickly gift that stings, but still a present. He was honest. Being honest is hard. Other guy's might have misled you and explored the other girl at the same time, or been afraid to hurt you and just petered off or broken up by phone etc... He was forthright and that counts for something.

He didn't find a BETTER flavour. He found a different one. And, it sounds like he is still figuring out what flavour he will ultimately land on. I have made the mistake in the past of blaming myself when an engagement was broken (even though it was mutual). It wasn't until many years later when we met up again and talked that I finally understood it had nothing to do with me at all. My past love actually had wished that he could have loved me in the way he knew I deserved. He actually did me a HUGE favour in making it so that who I was actually meant to be with could enter my life.

This likely has very little to do with you. (Unless you KNOW that you acted poorly in some ways and are having feelings about that. But, I am thinking no because you have not mentioned regrets). This is about his progress as an individual. You not being right for each other doesn't mean that you were deficient or lacking. It simply means: you weren't a match.

There isn't a "one". Being told that when you are heart-broken can be frustrating and rage-inducing. But, it's a fact. Having one life-long love is a concept created by script-writers and Diamond companies. Is it possible to have a love of your life? Yes. For sure. But, life brings change (death, differing values, practical circumstances that can't be bridged...) and some love has an end. Is it possible to have ANOTHER love of your life? Yes. For sure.

Hope it doesn't take too long for you to process all that has happened and believe this for yourself :heart:

---

Updated cuz I remembered how great your post was too [MENTION=27952]sarcasmsunshine[/MENTION]. Honest and relatable :) I finally broke this pattern when I found the right person and was in the right place myself to feel deserving and open to real/quality interaction.


Thank you! I know I will be ok eventually right now Im just still struggling to move on.

Yes he was honest. But I strongly feel he could have been more honest and leave me alone to begin with since there is NO WAY you love someone one day and then realize overnight you don't. He never loved me. I wish Id never met him.

Yes there isn't The One. I never thought he was perfect of 100 % perfect match for me. I would have loved him as he is regardless. Im old enough to understand perfect doesn't exist. He is the one who still thinks there is The One. And I wasn't enough.

And I do know it wasn't my fault since I did nothing to cause this. And I know it doesn't have to do with me as such. I just with he could have been more mature to appreciate me or us. But he wasn't.

That's what I have to live with.
 

Cloudpatrol

Senior(ita) Member
Joined
Jan 26, 2016
Messages
2,163
Thank you! I know I will be ok eventually right now Im just still struggling to move on.

Yes he was honest. But I strongly feel he could have been more honest and leave me alone to begin with since there is NO WAY you love someone one day and then realize overnight you don't. He never loved me. I wish Id never met him.

Yes there isn't The One. I never thought he was perfect of 100 % perfect match for me. I would have loved him as he is regardless. Im old enough to understand perfect doesn't exist. He is the one who still thinks there is The One. And I wasn't enough.

And I do know it wasn't my fault since I did nothing to cause this. And I know it doesn't have to do with me as such. I just with he could have been more mature to appreciate me or us. But he wasn't.

That's what I have to live with.

Yes, I understand now what you meant by "the one" in the OP. It wasn't that he was perfect, but that he could have been "perfect for you". The potential.

I remember hearing one time that often grieving the loss of what we thought the relationship could be is as difficult as grieving the loss of the person.


I understand what you are saying and that it is a process. I hope that my answer did not cause you any additional pain. :hug:
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think INFJs care a lot about the why part of anything that happens, and we also invest heavily once we have decided to invest, so it is not surprising you are having difficulty processing all of this. There are too many possibilities to accurately guess, but I think this is more about him than about you. First there is the whole thrill of the chase thing, but I think also, many people become very uncomfortable with intimacy once it becomes a certain level of intensity. There are many reasons for that, but more often than not it has to do with vulnerability and self-protection. In addition, a person's character comes out through their actions. However, my guess is what is bothering you is trying to figure out the why. His behaviour seems incongruous with the person you fell in love with. In my experience, the more opaque someone seems, the more defendedness there is against vulnerability. When someone seems their most stony or untouchable, they are usually unconsciously covering for somewhere where they feel extremely vulnerable. It is maddening not to know the why for sure, and while you can recognize that his current treatment of you has been poor, it does little to affect the emotions you feel for him. I've found that when that information is unavailable to me, it just takes time for everything to cool back down. Sometimes a lot of time. I think emotionally accepting that this is a futile venture will allow you to adapt more quickly, but probably it's going to take a bunch of talking and processing. I've also realized that what bothers me most in these kinds of situations is not only what could have been, but it makes you question your own judgement and perceptions about everything and shakes your confidence in your ability to discriminate between good and bad. It helped me once I understood this and that it wasn't just that I was unable to let go or oversensitive. I'm sorry.
 

mystik_INFJ

Permabanned
Joined
Aug 17, 2016
Messages
174
Out of the few people I've dated, I've broken up with half of them because I just got bored.

This. My first gf was ENFP. I can summarize it pretty quickly.

Oh, you're so quiet and mysterious.
Fun.
Oh, you're too quiet and mysterious.
End.

Same thing that pulls you up it drags you down with them.

I know. Anecdotal.

What if I say my former best friend was happy and married but still liked to think a lot about the what ifs of some relationship of a bygone era?

I cant talk to him Im too hurt. Anyone has any help on what on earth is this ENFP thinking? Why did he do this? Are they always so flaky? Did I dream our relationship??

I'm sorry this happen to you. Learn from this and look someplace else. There is nothing here left for you. Even if you would forgive him and somehow get back, you will never be able to forget this. It will only hurt you.

Yeah, I know what you're going to say, #NOTALLENFPS. Sure, but it's kind of a thing with them to be the type that gets bored easily and has the common habit to demolish everything that was built, just for the sake of the new.

From the type description

Not everyone can handle the excitement, occasional neediness, and emotional ups and downs that this philosophy entails, whether long-distance or long-term, mystical or physical. ENFPs constantly explore new ideas and improvements, fantasize about future possibilities – in dating, this tendency to look at potential rather than the present can be self-defeating, and their spontaneity makes it harder to stay focused on their end goal of a long-term relationship.

Some may call this post a "hate" towards this type. I'm ENFPphobic, ENPFracist and ENFPgynist, as is the trend to call people that don't like what you like. They are generally good friends, but as far as I'm concerned, poor romantic choices. It's hard to build anything that takes a long time with this type. I think marriage is such a thing that takes time, may be monotonous at times because of this process, which means it is for the highly committed. I just don't find ENFP a reliable partner when it comes to such a project. I know, it's just me, but I rather stay friends with such a type and never push beyond.
 
Top