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Please shed some light on ENFP - INFJ situation

Merced

Talk to me.
Joined
May 14, 2016
Messages
3,599
MBTI Type
ESTJ
Enneagram
28?
Instinctual Variant
so/sp
This. My first gf was ENFP. I can summarize it pretty quickly. Oh, you're so quiet and mysterious. Fun. Oh, you're too quiet and mysterious. End. Same thing that pulls you up it drags you down with them. I know. Anecdotal. What if I say my former best friend was happy and married but still liked to think a lot about the what ifs of some relationship of a bygone era? I'm sorry this happen to you. Learn from this and look someplace else. There is nothing here left for you. Even if you would forgive him and somehow get back, you will never be able to forget this. It will only hurt you. Yeah, I know what you're going to say, #NOTALLENFPS. Sure, but it's kind of a thing with them to be the type that gets bored easily and has the common habit to demolish everything that was built, just for the sake of the new. From the type description Some may call this post a "hate" towards this type. I'm ENFPphobic, ENPFracist and ENFPgynist, as is the trend to call people that don't like what you like. They are generally good friends, but as far as I'm concerned, poor romantic choices. It's hard to build anything that takes a long time with this type. I think marriage is such a thing that takes time, may be monotonous at times because of this process, which means it is for the highly committed. I just don't find ENFP a reliable partner when it comes to such a project. I know, it's just me, but I rather stay friends with such a type and never push beyond.
Just to clarify, you mean underdeveloped ENFPs suck, right? When a healthy ENFP put their mind to it, commitment isn't an issue.
 

mystik_INFJ

Permabanned
Joined
Aug 17, 2016
Messages
174
Just to clarify, you mean underdeveloped ENFPs suck, right? When a healthy ENFP put their mind to it, commitment isn't an issue.

Yes. Some types tend to have more underdeveloped people than others. From my experience I've seen that ENFPs are often goofy and childish. I mean, they can smack you down with their Ne, but in their "alone" time they would start to shine that childish behavior. Look, I'm not saying ENFP are the evil. I said that they are not exactly marriage material. FOR ME.

I would see them as friend material. But not more.
 

Lvly1

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
10
MBTI Type
INFJ
I think INFJs care a lot about the why part of anything that happens, and we also invest heavily once we have decided to invest, so it is not surprising you are having difficulty processing all of this. There are too many possibilities to accurately guess, but I think this is more about him than about you. First there is the whole thrill of the chase thing, but I think also, many people become very uncomfortable with intimacy once it becomes a certain level of intensity. There are many reasons for that, but more often than not it has to do with vulnerability and self-protection. In addition, a person's character comes out through their actions. However, my guess is what is bothering you is trying to figure out the why. His behaviour seems incongruous with the person you fell in love with. In my experience, the more opaque someone seems, the more defendedness there is against vulnerability. When someone seems their most stony or untouchable, they are usually unconsciously covering for somewhere where they feel extremely vulnerable. It is maddening not to know the why for sure, and while you can recognize that his current treatment of you has been poor, it does little to affect the emotions you feel for him. I've found that when that information is unavailable to me, it just takes time for everything to cool back down. Sometimes a lot of time. I think emotionally accepting that this is a futile venture will allow you to adapt more quickly, but probably it's going to take a bunch of talking and processing. I've also realized that what bothers me most in these kinds of situations is not only what could have been, but it makes you question your own judgement and perceptions about everything and shakes your confidence in your ability to discriminate between good and bad. It helped me once I understood this and that it wasn't just that I was unable to let go or oversensitive. I'm sorry.

I can see youre INFJ because this sums it up for me. I feel so hurt that my feelings ran so deep and his didnt. Im angry at myself for not realizing this. When Im so intuitive otherwise howcome I make these mistakes in my love life?
 

Lvly1

New member
Joined
Sep 11, 2016
Messages
10
MBTI Type
INFJ
Yes. Some types tend to have more underdeveloped people than others. From my experience I've seen that ENFPs are often goofy and childish. I mean, they can smack you down with their Ne, but in their "alone" time they would start to shine that childish behavior. Look, I'm not saying ENFP are the evil. I said that they are not exactly marriage material. FOR ME.

I would see them as friend material. But not more.

Yeshe is extremely immature and I do not believe his is capable of staying with anyone long term especially if he chooses young girls as he seems. However for whatever reason I believed he was more mature and capable than he actually was.
 

Fidelia

Iron Maiden
Staff member
Joined
May 31, 2009
Messages
14,497
MBTI Type
INFJ
Yes, the hard part of dealing with this is not just the residual feelings. Even a very immature person can have extremely attractive and noble qualities. It's the tailspin it puts you in as far as trusting any of the rest of your judgement in other areas and also feeling mad at yourself for being dupable when you usually are able to see what is likely to happen down the road in other situations.

I too tend to be slow to be won over, but then am terribly invested after that. Often people pursuing see acceptance and the ability to be well cared for emotionally in Infjs, and so it is initially attractive. But Infjs thrive on emotional closeness, which doesn't work well for someone who has a low toleration for vulnerability.
 
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