INTP and ISFJ - Ideas for a great first date?

[EG_j]

Hi everyone!

So I met this cute girl at work and from my collected information so far I'm almost certain she's an ISFJ - she is kind of the very shy and innocent sweetheart. That always gets me.

We first only talked in groups at work.
Eventually (over an acquaintance of my dad who gives tutoring, nevermind) I came into the situation to give her tutoring at work (we both do a dual study there; she's two years below me) and we got along pretty well.
Last time we ended up learning 20 minutes and talking randomly about 45 minutes afterwards and she opened up a bit (just a little bit, but I heard ISFJs are very slow with that).

I am pretty awkward when it comes to taking initiative (still INTP), but since I am the male and ISFJs don't seem to be the initiative takers either, I decided to ask her out and see what happens.
The last thing I want is to be the subject of gossip at work (it's really bad and omnipresent at our workplace), so I don't want to screw things up.

Unfortunately I am still not 100 % sure whether she has a boyfriend or not, but she never has mentioned one, regardless of the many topics we talked about, and doesn't have any pictures with a guy on social media.
When talking about after-work hours or the previous weekend she often told me to be chilling around at home or doing things with friends.

To get to the point:
Do you think an ISFJ would hide the fact she has a boyfriend and, if yes, what could be the reason for this?
Would it be helpful or scary to ask her straightforward if she is single (since subtlety didn't work)?
Finally, does anyone have some suggestions of activities for a first date between a pretty introverted INTP and a pretty introverted ISFJ?

(And please no comments on how this pairing might be doomed; I'm overthinking everything too much and now I'm glad to have finally once decided to actually do something)
(And yes, I like using brackets very much )

Thanks in advance,
EG

 

[baccheion]

INTP + ISFJ = disaster usually. Maybe it'll be good for the first 6 months to 1 year, but once things settle down it quickly gets really bad. You can read on socionics.com about the INTP + ISFJ interaction. That said, the INTP + ISFJ pairing is an extremely good one (initially) and these two types tend to naturally "get each other going," so it shouldn't require much effort to figure out what to do (whatever you think of will probably be something she's alright with).

I'd expect it to be better if you ask her out in private (preferably when not at work), and depending on how guardian she is, it may be a good idea to approach the subject carefully, as maybe guardian values will leave her turned off?

 

[EG_j]

Hey baccheion, thanks for your answer!

I know there might be some difficulties, but as I said I'm overanalyzing everything and finally came to the conclusion that you can find something about anybody that might justify not giving it a try.
If it turns out to not be long-lasting - then we had at least (hopefully) a great time.

I'm definitely going to ask her privately because such a situation at work would probably scare us both as hell.

My idea would be to go minigolfing with her later in this week and not making it too much of a "fixed date" and see what happens.
A movie date would probably be the next step but first things first.

Any thoughts/suggestions on that?

 

[Tilt]

How about a coffee date first? If that goes well, then suggest mini-golf.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

NTP here (ENTP - so close enough to INTP I suppose) and I'm in a relationship with an ISFJ.

It's good. We don't always have the most mind blowing conversations but we have a lot of fun when we go do things together.

If you get an ISFJ to commit to you they'll pretty much do whatever it takes to make sure you're happy. Loyalty and commitment are very important.

Could be challenging if you have a passive kind of personality where you don't naturally take the initiative because chances are they won't. ISFJ females are excellent in a firm and steady supporting role but nothing ever moves anywhere without a balancing force driving it. A more proactive version of an ISFJ is an ESFJ if that's something you desire in the ideal partner.

It didn't take my ISFJ a long time to open up. Gotta be careful not to mistake her silence for disinterest or being closed up. She's naturally a quiet person and enjoys listening far more than talking. Fortunately that works out for an ENTP chatterbox and I imagine is quite entertaining for her as well. I guess it depends what kind of INTP you are too.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

Hi everyone!
To get to the point:
Do you think an ISFJ would hide the fact she has a boyfriend and, if yes, what could be the reason for this?
Would it be helpful or scary to ask her straightforward if she is single (since subtlety didn't work)?
Finally, does anyone have some suggestions of activities for a first date between a pretty introverted INTP and a pretty introverted ISFJ?

I don't think she would hide it.

So you can ask in nice and disarming way. You could be like "Hey, we've been talking lately and I think you're awesome. I'd love to ask you out but I'm actually unsure if you have a boyfriend and I don't want to overstep"

You can try to find out by people who know her.

Doing something fun on the first date is important. It's also kind of a 'test' to see if you've been paying attention to some of the things that interest her. It doesn't have to be over the top or anything like that. Just have a general idea of what you want to do but play the rest by ear. She should also be exposed to your NTP nature of doing things by ear.

 

[Luke O]

Sort out your INTP hair before you leave the house, else the maternal instincts of the ISFJ will kick in. Now the ISFJ is sorting your hair out and making sure you're ok

 

[EG_j]

NTP here (ENTP - so close enough to INTP I suppose) and I'm in a relationship with an ISFJ.


It's good. We don't always have the most mind blowing conversations but we have a lot of fun when we go do things together.


If you get an ISFJ to commit to you they'll pretty much do whatever it takes to make sure you're happy. Loyalty and commitment are very important.


Could be challenging if you have a passive kind of personality where you don't naturally take the initiative because chances are they won't.
ISFJ females are excellent in a firm and steady supporting role but nothing ever moves anywhere without a balancing force driving it.
A more proactive version of an ISFJ is an ESFJ if that's something you desire in the ideal partner.

It didn't take my ISFJ a long time to open up.
Gotta be careful not to mistake her silence for disinterest or being closed up. She's naturally a quiet person and enjoys listening far more than talking.
Fortunately that works out for an ENTP chatterbox and I imagine is quite entertaining for her as well. I guess it depends what kind of INTP you are too.

Good to hear!
Well, I've always been very introverted, but lately I seem to get out of my shell more often, which is quite useful in this case.
In one-on-one conversations, she seems to open up a little more. So I guess that won't be a problem.

Well reasoned idea about the ESFJ... But HELL NO!
My sister, aunt and grandma are ESFJs and I love them and stuff, but... after a while they are straight up annoying to me, as hard as this may sound.
I actually like the idea of a girl with SFJ qualities (which I do appreciate) in a more introverted and quiet way.

How about a coffee date first? If that goes well, then suggest mini-golf.

That would of course be a good option either!

I don't think she would hide it.

So you can ask in nice and disarming way.
You could be like "Hey, we've been talking lately and I think you're awesome. I'd love to ask you out but I'm actually unsure if you have a boyfriend and I don't want to overstep"


You can try to find out by people who know her.


Doing something fun on the first date is important. It's also kind of a 'test' to see if you've been paying attention to some of the things that interest her.
It doesn't have to be over the top or anything like that. Just have a general idea of what you want to do but play the rest by ear.
She should also be exposed to your NTP nature of doing things by ear.

Good idea. I'm still not sure how to approach this in general.
From everything I know about her, I am about 90 % sure she doesn't have a boyfriend. I guess it depends whether that's enough certainty for me.
But anyway, if she has a boyfriend, then she has one... Regardless of how I asked.
Yes it should absolutely be fun. Also it should be rather private and quiet and leave the possibility to talk a lot... So mini-golf would probably be nice if there is not too much going on.

Sort out your INTP hair before you leave the house, else the maternal instincts of the ISFJ will kick in.
Now the ISFJ is sorting your hair out and making sure you're ok

Sorry, I didn't get that one. Maybe because I'm not a native speaker, could you explain it to me?

 

[Luke O]

Sorry, I didn't get that one. Maybe because I'm not a native speaker, could you explain it to me?

Just make sure you're well groomed!

 

[EG_j]

Just make sure you're well groomed!

Sure! Even for an INTP, this should be self-evident.
Since my last date has been a while, everything will be double-checked.

 

[chubber]

You get another woman (that you trust or are friends with) in the office who goes to find out if she has a boyfriend and usually the two of them will be in cahoots. If this friend of yours shows approval of you with her (very important), then (only then) your friend will come back and tell you, that she (your date) prefers that you ask her out in person (because of the first necessary step that was carried out).

it's like high school, but in the office.

if you are afraid of office gossip then maybe you aren't ready to ask her out yet. you need to show strength that is something that she will value.

 

[EG_j]

You get another woman (that you trust or are friends with) in the office who goes to find out if she has a boyfriend and usually the two of them will be in cahoots. If this friend of yours shows approval of you with her (very important), then (only then) your friend will come back and tell you, that she (your date) prefers that you ask her out in person (because of the first necessary step that was carried out).

Unfortunately, there are no common friends or something similar. I know her from work and since she's not in my year, me and my friends at work know her and her friends only on a pretty superficial level.

it's like high school, but in the office.

Yep, seems to be like this. Good one!

if you are afraid of office gossip then maybe you aren't ready to ask her out yet. you need to show strength that is something that she will value.

I wouldn't say I am that afraid of it... It's only an irritating thing I want to avoid as much as possible.
At the moment, I feel ready and not ready at the same time. But I guess that's normal, so I probably should get my shit together and simply ask her.

 

[highlander]

Just do something that is fun and be sure to make the moves. Don't be too conservative.

 

[EG_j]

Just do something that is fun and be sure to make the moves. Don't be too conservative.

All right!
If I'll get my nervousness under control, this should work out.

 

[ZNP-TBA]

Good to hear!
Well, I've always been very introverted, but lately I seem to get out of my shell more often, which is quite useful in this case.
In one-on-one conversations, she seems to open up a little more. So I guess that won't be a problem.

Well reasoned idea about the ESFJ... But HELL NO!
My sister, aunt and grandma are ESFJs and I love them and stuff, but... after a while they are straight up annoying to me, as hard as this may sound.
I actually like the idea of a girl with SFJ qualities (which I do appreciate) in a more introverted and quiet way.





That would of course be a good option either!



Good idea. I'm still not sure how to approach this in general.
From everything I know about her, I am about 90 % sure she doesn't have a boyfriend. I guess it depends whether that's enough certainty for me.
But anyway, if she has a boyfriend, then she has one... Regardless of how I asked.
Yes it should absolutely be fun. Also it should be rather private and quiet and leave the possibility to talk a lot... So mini-golf would probably be nice if there is not too much going on.






Sorry, I didn't get that one. Maybe because I'm not a native speaker, could you explain it to me?

I get it my mother is also an ESFJ and I'd find dating someone with her particular personality traits exhausting. At the same time I don't think any two people are exactly the same either.

I've always preferred introverted women romantically but that never meant I wouldn't give it a shot with an extrovert ( I have).

Think about it this way you really have nothing to lose. She seems to enjoy your company and even if she turned you down I'm sure it would be in a way to not burn you too deep. The worst she can say is no but then you wouldn't have any anxiety about 'what if I ask her?'

And even if she did have a boyfriend, Bf/Gf is not the highest commitment. It's possible they would break up sometime in the future and if you're both single at that time there could be a future? I don't know if I'd date someone after being turned down once already but I guess it depends on the particular circumstance.

 

[EG_j]

Think about it this way you really have nothing to lose. She seems to enjoy your company and even if she turned you down I'm sure it would be in a way to not burn you too deep. The worst she can say is no but then you wouldn't have any anxiety about 'what if I ask her?'

You're right. I've had this exact anxiety way too often.

And even if she did have a boyfriend, Bf/Gf is not the highest commitment. It's possible they would break up sometime in the future and if you're both single at that time there could be a future? I don't know if I'd date someone after being turned down once already but I guess it depends on the particular circumstance.

I wouldn't aim at a possible future chance in that case, but sure, you never know what may happen.

 

[EG_j]

So... She said yes.
We'll play minigolf on Monday preevening (thanks Sheldon) and probably go for a drink afterwards.
Thanks again for your help!