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  1. #1
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Feb 2016

    Default INFP and ISFJ Break-up and getting back together

    I broke up with my ISFJ two years ago. We had been together five years at that point. I find it so strange that there does not seem to be more pairings of INFP and ISFJ because we filled each other out very well and it was a "love at first six months"-thing (I don't think either personality type enters a relationship quickly or lightly).

    So my questions:

    1) Have any other INFP's become aware of their hyper-idealism in relationships?
    2) Have you come to regret some of the decisions you made because of it?
    3) How have you dealt with your idealism in relationships?

    1) Is it possible to re-establish a relationship with someone who abandoned you?
    2) How should the person approach you?
    3) Would you be able to look past the abandonment?

    I will answer my questions for the sake of future searches:

    1) I very recently started realising that I might be too idealistic.I build incredible scenarios in my head that scare or attract me. This is good for life goals and passions, not so good when it involves beautifully imperfect human beings.

    2) After two years, yes, I regret it. I don't know if I am idolising my ex and our past realtionship. But then, every lasting relationship equates to hard work.

    3) I have started researching my ass off. I've started accepting myself and learning my strengths and weaknesses and how to deal with them. I think I have grown as a result. I've even started bombarding my ex with questions and everything seems to align. But apparently we have this ability to feed emotions in people? So I still wonder if everything he says is true. Because they are just perfect, aren't they, these ISFJ's. The cynic in me has a hard time accepting this, as much as I really do believe they are some of the most wonderful people on earth.

    Feedback would be fantastic!

    Side note: ISFJ's, I've read you guys struggle with getting over exes. Well, you are just as hard to get over. You wonderful, sweet things.

  2. #2
    Member Unionruler's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    2 so/sp


    1) Yes, if the ISFJ had matured principles when he/she chose you and decided to accept mistreatment from you, he/she really loved you and that could well be forever.

    Separately ISFJs have principles so they will usually give you due process--you will get a fair hearing without being pre-judged, so you don't have a zero chance. Likewise if you think the ISFJ contributed (bad treatment, negligence, etc.) to the failure of the relationship you can voice your concerns and they will be reasonably taken into account.

    2) Elements:
    - Say you're sorry for precisely what you did
    - Demonstrate cognisance of the moral matrix--if you apologise for something trivial or materially different from what you did you can get judged for being insensitive, insincere or selfishly defensive
    - State that you want to care for him/her now
    - Try/put effort into what you commit to, you don't need to perform to that standard but you need to demonstrate sincerity

    3) I normally give technical forgiveness meaning I will treat you no worse than had you not done those things. Natural human reactions out of scars can't be eliminated completely though. Neither can I forget because I simply remember relationships in extensive detail.

    Don't abandon ISFJs, especially those that did everything in their power to love you. It hurts very much and for a very long time.

    Hope this helps.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Kheledon's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2015
    136 sx/sp
    EIE Fe


    I'd first respond by saying that NFs are characterized by hyper-idealism (and this is exacerbated in regards to relationships for NFs that are people-focused, like me, an ENFJ). Only 12.5% of the population (roughly) is NF, so yes. It's likely that 12.5% of us are much more idealistic about relationships than the other 87.5% of humanity. You could call this hyper-idealism, or you could simply say that it's what NFs do, naturally. This feature of my personality does plague me periodically.

    Socionics predicts that the most essential feature in the formation of a lasting relationship is congruence on the j/p axis (rationality vs. irrationality in Socionics). Two js (or two ps) are predicted to get along better than any p/j combination. Since both people in question in your situation are introverted, the last letter must be "flipped" to convert their M/B types into Socionics. Either way, you're looking at a j/p combo. It might not be a relationship that is likely to work for you. Presumably, your relationship type (if you are both typed correctly) would be a benefactor-beneficiary relationship in which you are the benefactor and he is the beneficiary--pretty good for you, and not as good for him. He may have sensed this, and, as a result, may be subconsciously (or consciously) uninterested in reuniting with you.

    That said, I am married to an SF, and she forgives easily (after exacting some vengeance, it appears) as she is an ESI (ISFj in Socionics). Not sure how an ISFp (in Socionics) would respond, but my suspicion would be that a relatively younger and less-developed ISFp male would probably re-unite if he had not yet "moved on" and found another mate. An older, better-developed ISFp might not.

    Hope that helps.
    M/B Functional Stack: Dominant--Fe, Auxilliary--Ni, Tertiary--Se, Inferior--Ti
    Ego (Jungian): FeNi
    Socionics: EIE-Fe, Beta
    Socionics Functional Stack: Program--Fe, Creative--Ni, Role--Te, PoLR--Si
    Enneagram Type 1
    Tritype 136
    Big Five: SCOEI - sxO|E|i
    Alignment: Lawful Good
    House: Slytherin (the "ethical teacher" type, i.e. Severus Snape)
    Color Code: Blue (intimacy-driven)
    Soul Type: Educator

    Sentio ergo sum.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2014
    6w7 so/sx
    SEI Fe


    Quote Originally Posted by AnneG View Post
    1) Is it possible to re-establish a relationship with someone who abandoned you?
    2) How should the person approach you?
    3) Would you be able to look past the abandonment?
    1) I think it would be a bad idea and be rather unhealthy.

    2) Well if you want to talk to me about that sort of thing you'd have to be pretty direct about it because I am oblivious to hints.

    3) No. I can forgive but I will never forget.

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