INTP and INFJ relationships

[Sinmara]

I just noticed that this relationship combo was not listed yet, and this subforum has been open for a while. Are INTP/INFJ relationships really so uncommon?

Anyway, to use [MENTION=8936]highlander[/MENTION]'s format.

What do you think about relationships between INTPs and INFJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
- Why are they attracted to each other?
- How to they compliment each other?
- How well do they understand each other and why?
- What are they like together raising children?

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
- How can they take each other for granted?
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
- If you are an INTP, what advice do you have for the INFJs?
- If you are an INFJ, what advice would you have for the INTPs?

 

[á´…eparted]

I'm not sure how common it is, but I know at least 1 INTP-INFJ matchup I know from college (they got married a few years ago). It can and does work very well.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

I have seen the INFJ-INTP match up work very well. I would move to say that it is better than the INTP-ENFJ combo.

 

[baccheion]

Assuming they are compatible, an INFJ female is an INTP male's best match. Things aren't quite the same the other way around, however, as INTPs are beaten out by ENxPs.

 

[great_bay]

I had a crush on my INFJ guy friend. He's straight however. This was after like two years. He was a 4w5,5w6,1w9. He was a geek gamer.

 

[Chrysanthe]

I've yet to be attracted to one irl but I certainly think INTPs would make wonderful conversational partners, and most I know seem to have the same interests has me which is also wonderful. I find their peculiarity and *passionate fascinations with certain things quite alluring and kinda adorable in a way. (*almost in the same way ASMRtists are. )

 

[laterlazer]

Not sure but I think it could work, I have a really good INFJ friend and I think looking at our dynamic, it's definitely possible for there to be positive healthy relationships between the two (essentially this is true for all combos tbh). She's probably one of my easier friends to talk to, even though I'm closer to some of my other friends, she knows a a bit more than they do about me because there's this kind of natural trust there for some reason. The main issues I ever have with her is that she sometimes talks a little much/thinks about things too much. She's always worrying about one thing or the other, or raving about something average as if it's actually amazing. Anyway it gets irritating sometimes.

 

[GIjade]

She's always worrying about one thing or the other, or raving about something average as if it's actually amazing. Anyway it gets irritating sometimes.

Sometimes average things really are amazing.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

Sometimes average things really are amazing.

Would you say this is true on average?

 

[Duffy]

I like this type combo. I usually get on quite well with INTPs (hindsight).

Would you say this is true on average?

She said "sometimes," so no.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I like this type combo. I usually get on quite well with INTPs (hindsight).



She said "sometimes," so no.

Hmm, I shouldn't quit my day job and become a standup comedian.

 

[GIjade]

Would you say this is true on average?

On average.

Actually, not everything that's average is amazing to me, but there are a lot of average things that I (INFJ) consider to be absolutely awesome, which other people totally don't get.

 

[Sinmara]

My husband is INTP, so here is my contribution.

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?

• How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
  
  I think it's very compatible. I get along very well with NTPs in general.​
  
  
• Why are they attracted to each other?
  
  What attracts me to INTPs is the enthusiasm for subjects they're passionate about, which leads to fantastic conversations. The way Ti+Ne just keeps spitting out ideas and connections is very fun for me to observe and interact with. I get exposed to new ideas and learn all sorts of new things this way. On their part, I've been told by NTPs that they like that I actually enjoy the way they will go on about a topic for ages; I ask questions, I bring up connections between concepts they hadn't noticed before (or had noticed and they get excited that I made the same connection on my own), and I will call back to previous conversations for relevant connections. I also enjoy their intensity when they get really excited about something, and they like that I am a big silly goof who encourages/enables them to have fun in a social setting.
  
  As my husband describes it, he was first attracted to the fact that I was giggly and blunt and not afraid to share my crude humor (we were among friends; I'm an ice queen in public ), but his interest in me really solidified when he realized that I was intelligent and clever. He asked me if I was interested in going out with him sometime. I was dating someone at the time, and although we were non-monogamous, the guy I was seeing was still uncomfortable with me seeing other men. It was unlikely my partner would give his consent, but I didn't want to be rude because I really did like my now-husband, so I told him that I would need to ask my boyfriend. He got excited, waited several weeks for me to get back to him, but when the exchange didn't get mentioned again, he realized I had intentionally used the subjunctive "would" instead of the future "will" as a way to politely deflect his interest, and apparently hearts exploded out of his eyes and he had to have me.
  
  What can I say? He thinks a command of grammar is hot.​
  
  
• How to they compliment each other?
  
  I think INFJ and INTP really bond over their shared Ti and Fe. I really admire the precision of INTPs and their ability to quickly put their thoughts into a shape that they can share with the world; I have big ideas that feel very solid in my head, but I have trouble explaining myself. NTPs often catch on to what I'm trying to say just fine and help me put shape to my own thoughts. Their minds are so quick and snappy compared to mine; I take a long time to mull things over and peruse my thoughts and in that time, an INTP will have had a million other ideas pop up that they want to play with immediately. It's like the tortoise and the hare.
  
  The INTP's inferior function is my aux, so I tend to take the lead when it comes to new social situations, and that takes a lot of pressure off the INTP. We have complimentary energy levels when it comes to enjoying thorough study of things at home, quietly and in our own spaces, but once in a while, I will want to get out and see people, and the INTPs seem to enjoy using that as an excuse or opportunity to come along.​
  
  
• How well do they understand each other and why?
  
  Understanding is based upon a free exchange of information between myself and INTPs in the form of blunt communication. I take time to pinpoint my feelings on something, and then I share it in a calm and open way, with a focus on finding a solution or middle-ground. I don't indulge in emotional venting for the sake of it, and neither have the INTPs I've known, so this works very well in allowing both sides to get a genuine understanding of each other.​
  
  
• What are they like together raising children?
  
  We don't have kids yet, but we plan to, so I guess I'll get back to you guys about this. ​

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?

• What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
  
  I have to remind him once in a while that if he's unhappy with me, it's okay to tell me. In fact, I want him to tell me, because I can see something is clearly wrong, but I don't want to pressure him to come to me about it before he's ready. The challenge of inferior Fe seems to be that he's afraid of blowing up at me unnecessarily (he tends to have calm feelings, THEN BIG FEELINGS, then back to calm in quick succession), so he will sometimes play down things and avoid talking about them.
  
  From his perspective, he can have trouble with me sometimes because I lack his mental precision when it comes to daily life. His mind works in clearly outlined and straight paths, but mine is more big and fuzzy and indistinct. He'll be talking about A, B, and C, and I somehow managed to meander over to L, and he has to bring me back over to C, because I got ahead of him and confused myself (I was in the right place, but didn't have the context or information to make sense of where I jumped to). The way that my thought process is kind of a big bowl of warm soup with things popping to the surface can frustrate him, but he has a very good talent for adapting to my thought process, so he's able to bridge the communication gap just fine most of the time.​
  
  
• What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
  
  What I described above is a pretty common frustration. Another is that I tend to be such a far-ranging thinker that I can procrastinate something almost indefinitely because I am stuck in planning mode. For him, he can get an idea in his head and get very excited about it and want to charge ahead like a speeding train with no brakes. We balance each other out by him encouraging me to have a sense of immediacy in the things I do, and I slow him down when he gets his big, exciting ideas and I get him to think about all of the implications.​
  
  
• How can they take each other for granted?
  
  Sometimes, my lack of immediacy means I can get so absorbed in my hobbies that I lose track of responsibilities and he ends up doing a lot of things. He can sometimes take my secure emotional attachment style for granted by hunkering down with his strategy games for hours and forgetting to talk to me.​
  
  
• What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
  
  This is a little more difficult for me to describe, because my husband and I have never really had a big argument. The blunt communication I mentioned usually nips things in the bud before they reach critical mass. The worst thing that tends to happen is when we're both getting frustrated because we're talking past each other: I'm trying to explain myself, he's trying to explain himself, and we both don't realize that we're talking about something completely different. We recognize this pretty quickly, take a step back, and clarify the miscommunication. Things are typically fine after that and we roll our eyes at ourselves.​

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?

• What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
  
  The blunt communication and keeping conversations a safe space is very important. INTPs typically have enough trouble with squishy feely stuff in the first place, so if they're vulnerable to you and you get angry and smack them down, that only encourages them to not be honest with you again. It's very important for an INFJ to have an emotionally honest partner because we can see that something isn't right, can't put our finger on what it is, and the anxiety from trying to guess feels awful.​
  
  
• What advice do you have for each of the two types?
  
  Be kind and patient to each other. Hold each other's feelings in your hands as though it's a fragile thing that you will crush if you hold it too hard, because it really is. INTPs and INFJs are both sensitive types who need understanding and acceptance.​
  
  
• If you are an INTP, what advice do you have for the INFJs?
  
  
• If you are an INFJ, what advice would you have for the INTPs?
  
  Don't be afraid of nerding out at an INFJ really, really hard. Don't be such an introvert that you become a homebody; go out to a date or a party and have fun with us once in a while. Be patient if we seem irrational sometimes, because we're really not. We just have trouble putting our more complicated thoughts into words, and muddling through it is as frustrating for us as it is for you. I find little gestures of physical touch (kiss goodnight or when you get home, hand on the back while talking, relaxed cuddling on the sofa) very reassuring because they all feel like little ways of showing that I'm loved.​

 

[Layiwola]

@ Sinmara

You're clearly a pretty well developed INFJ. Assuming your husband is also fairly well-developed, then it's easy to see why yours is fruitful relationship.
Unfortunately a lot of the time the INFJs posting about their relationship difficulties with INTPs are rather less well-developed. They tend to essentially complain that the INTP doesn't come to meet them where they are. They fail to see that they're at least every bit as maladapted as the INTPs they're frustrated with. And due to their introverted perception, they often lack the perspective to appreciate the fact even if it's pointed out.
All else being equal, it's obvious to me that this is a combination that's more promising than most, for both types.

I do notice that you're a Socionics ILI. That would indicate that you're fairly balanced on T/F, which probably helps.
You're also an so-last, which I suspect is the case with most INTPs. Shared last instinct is probably important in compatibility.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

Hmm, I shouldn't quit my day job and become a standup comedian.

do it

 

[the state i am in]

for me, definitions and facts that bind context rather than separate it. it makes me think of sheets of filo dough and stratigraphy at the same time. puts some helium in the balloons. i think they like me staring at them with wonder and at other times redirecting them when they are stuck in something. this natural chemistry, to me, seems quite helpful, even if sometimes the depth of the inner context and outer context has to cross art barriers to really fully connect. i think with me they are also intrigued by my ability to be both a child and very very old at the same time, not really knowing which age is going to come out of my mouth. in contrast with them, there is often both a comedy and a seriousness of and towards myself that i think is more weirdly personal than most of them are used to.

 

[Asdlax]

Very informative!

My husband is INTP, so here is my contribution.

[*]What are some of the communication challenges they can have?

I have to remind him once in a while that if he's unhappy with me, it's okay to tell me. In fact, I want him to tell me.​

[*]How can they take each other for granted?

Sometimes, my lack of immediacy means I can get so absorbed in my hobbies that I lose track of responsibilities and he ends up doing a lot of things. He can sometimes take my secure emotional attachment style for granted by hunkering down with his strategy games for hours and forgetting to talk to me.​

[*]What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

Miscommunication.​

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?

• What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
  
  The blunt communication and keeping conversations a safe space is very important. INTPs typically have enough trouble with squishy feely stuff in the first place, so if they're vulnerable to you and you get angry and smack them down, that only encourages them to not be honest with you again. It's very important for an INFJ to have an emotionally honest partner because we can see that something isn't right, can't put our finger on what it is, and the anxiety from trying to guess feels awful.​
  
  
• What advice do you have for each of the two types?
  
  Be kind and patient to each other. Hold each other's feelings in your hands as though it's a fragile thing that you will crush if you hold it too hard, because it really is. INTPs and INFJs are both sensitive types who need understanding and acceptance.​
  
  [/INDENT]

This is relatable! My INTP best friend and I have a lot of miscommunication it's ridiculous. We both feel stupid afterwards when we realise that we weren't even talking about the same thing And yes, the honest part. I need him to be honest with me about any form of discomfort. It's just that my INTP friend is still young (18), and he couldn't figure out his feelings nor what he wants.. (yet?) which almost ended our friendship. It also hurts sometimes as I would feel like I am taken for granted, mostly because he doesn't naturally care to give me words of affirmations and such. Goodness, and the false hopes. It's become even more complicated after I started harbouring feelings for him.

It's really easy to talk to him about anything, regardless Anything.