Deferring to others

[Amargith]

Do you defer to others in certain situations? More specifically - do you recognise when a situation might call for your least favourite function (or function combo) and how do you go about dealing with that situation?

So, Fi users - when do you ask for Ti-user's help? Or don't you at all and why? And of course ,vice versa, Ti users - when, if ever, is Fi a better choice and do you actually ask a trusted Fi-user for help at that point?

Si users - what about Ni? And again, vice versa

What about Fe and Te?

etc...


And how hard is it to relinquish your pride - do you even go there, if it's your dom function or even your aux?

What about instead of going for the counterpart, settling for the extraverted or introverted cousin because it's part of your stack as well?


Curious minds want to know

 

[ceecee]

If a really delicate situation comes up, I always pass this to my much more diplomatic ENFJ (Fe). On the other side, if a situation needs a more ruthless approach, this is my specialty (Fi to a large degree and Te). I believe in using the best person to fit the job, whatever that may be. I don't think it ever hurts to observe and learn from other types that help develop shadow or weaker functions in yourself and vice versa. This is partially giving up pride but it's just a smart thing to do. The more you know, right?

Is my Fe ever going to rival an ENFJ? Haha no but I don't think it's nearly the basement function it was at one time for me.

 

[Amargith]

If a really delicate situation comes up, I always pass this to my much more diplomatic ENFJ (Fe). On the other side, if a situation needs a more ruthless approach, this is my specialty (Fi to a large degree and Te). I believe in using the best person to fit the job, whatever that may be. I don't think it ever hurts to observe and learn from other types that help develop shadow or weaker functions in yourself and vice versa. This is partially giving up pride but it's just a smart thing to do. The more you know, right?

Is my Fe ever going to rival an ENFJ? Haha no but I don't think it's nearly the basement function it was at one time for me.

I have the same system with mine at home.

And I do defer to him if he's around for Ti things as well, but if my INTP friend is around, Im likely to ask him because he actually can go in depth into explaining to me the things I don't naturally see myself and he has the patience to walk me through his inner world and though process and make me see the logic system behind it that will show me how to solve it next time myself. Meanwhile, my INTJ doesn't 'show proof' (Ni), he just crunches out the result I need (Te)

 

[21%]

For me there's no pride when it comes to tasks/chores. I'm lazy so if you think you can do it better - go ahead!

Te isn't my INFP's strong point either, but when it comes out it can be really handy, especially when I'm trying to pack, which is one thing I'm really, really bad at.

Fe: But shouldn't I pack this as well because if this happens and that person forgets that then it would be great if I have spare one to lend them? And maybe an extra this and that and a few more of those? And maybe pack my green jacket too because I know this person has a green one as and we might want to match?
Te: Nope. No room.
Fe: What about extra socks?
Te: NO.

 

[Kullervo]

This is situational, but in general I am reluctant to defer to someone else as I feel quite comfortable being in control and enjoy organising people/things. I am happy, however, to do so in three situations.

1. If it benefits me
2. If I don't have a better option (at least right now)
3. If it arouses me

 

[Rasofy]

I trust SJs' short term memory much more than mine

NFPs provide pretty good insights on human nature, on a macro perspective

ENFJs provide great readily appliable solutions for people management

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I have asked my ESFJ shop owner for advice on how to deal with a problematic person I had to train for my other job.

This person would tell me how to do the job I was training him for. He was jumping ahead of instruction but jumping to the wrong conclusions. Then being dismissive. Overall brat.

Normally, I would back off and let him learn the hard way since that is what he seemed to prefer - but the situation was not conducive to this as I was held responsible for him.

I leaned upon Fe for a way tell him to go fuck himself and get him back in line - diplomatically! Not my usual style. It worked.

 

[Kullervo]

Do you defer to others in certain situations? More specifically - do you recognise when a situation might call for your least favourite function (or function combo) and how do you go about dealing with that situation?

So, Fi users - when do you ask for Ti-user's help? Or don't you at all and why? And of course ,vice versa, Ti users - when, if ever, is Fi a better choice and do you actually ask a trusted Fi-user for help at that point?

Si users - what about Ni? And again, vice versa

What about Fe and Te?

etc...


And how hard is it to relinquish your pride - do you even go there, if it's your dom function or even your aux?

What about instead of going for the counterpart, settling for the extraverted or introverted cousin because it's part of your stack as well?


Curious minds want to know

My least favourite function combo? I have never really thought about this but it would have to be either Ne-Ti or Se-Ti (ExTPs have always frustrated me immensely, I can't understand them and this is a shameful feeling for me to experience). Fe-Si takes a dishonorable second place.

Faced with an impromptu stump speech about a subject I'd never discussed, I'd call for a more quick-witted ENTP to stand in for me if I had the chance.

I am really straining hard to think of a situation where I might need an ESTP. Maybe mechanical work, like changing a wheel, which I am truly woeful at.

And if I wanted to organise a family function, and keep my various ungrateful, pretentious and boorish relatives entertained once they arrive - well, I suspect I would need an ESFJ and my INTJ lover to do the dirty work with a smile. I am fascinated by their capacity for evil.

 

[Captain_Invincible]

I am really straining hard to think of a situation where I might need an ESTP. Maybe mechanical work, like changing a wheel, which I am truly woeful at.

Don't call me, I'll just send someone else to do it.

 

[Bilateral Entry]

I defer in these situations:
When I'm trying to understand human behavior (most likely I'm figuring out why a specific person is behaving a certain way and how to deal with it). When I'm trying to learn how to do something, and I think someone else does it better. When someone I trust and respects thinks I'm seriously fucking something up, even though I personally am unsure if they are correct (i.e. drinking too much).

 

[á´…eparted]

I defer to anyone who has more experience and is more equip to handle something than I am. I don't like doing it and sometimes I don't realize I am resisting, but nevertheless I try to. I also generally defer to experts on topics that I am not as versed in (those experts generally need to prove that their worth listening to, but it takes very little time).

Deferring to Te-doms is quite easy for me.

 

[Galaxy Gazer]

This happens to be all the time.

Technically my "least favorite function" should be Fi, but it's not. It's Se. I miss details often, I'm really awkward, and I just lack that awareness that Se users have.

To answer your question, well, I'm dating an ISxP, and he does balance me out, but this has also caused some problems. He has gone as far as letting me know when someone is walking down a narrow hallway where we're standing, and even apologizing for me if I don't move fast enough or bump into someone. Recently he came into a store with me where I wanted to get a job application and he- out of nowhere -asked for me.

So I only defer when absolutely necessary. Se is one of those functions that everyone is expected to use, along with Fe, so lacking it can make for some embarrassing situations.

 

[Yama]

I'll defer to anyone who I think is more knowledgeable than me given the situation. I don't attribute this to functions so much as I attribute it to people. Well, that might actually have a correlation to functions, now that I think about it.

Do I have a question about J-Pop, music artists, etc? ISTJ's got me covered. That Si--he's got this huge ass fucking storehouse. He remembers the littlest tiniest details. He knows the entirety of Ayumi Hamasaki's discography, in order--over 15 albums, over 50 singles, all of it--off the top of his head. It's mystical and frightening. And actually very helpful. My own personal google.

I was going to come up with more examples, but that's the only good one I can think of right now lol. Well, you get the picture.

 

[Ursa]

And how hard is it to relinquish your pride - do you even go there, if it's your dom function or even your aux?

I don't see this as pride as much as it is necessity and practicality. I am not equal-opportunity when I seek advice because no matter how expert someone is, I cannot use their advice unless it is explained to me in an understandable way. I like to seek out other SJs because they can and do appreciate that I need details and data. I cannot understand how certain types can repeatedly omit details and data in their explanations and expect to be understood much less even trusted as correct in their advice and assessments. Too many lacunae and I'm skeptical, or worse: lost.

I like every type, they all have their place in this universe and I do appreciate what they contribute, but ultimately the best teacher and advisor is the one who can convey what I need to know in way that respects how I process, whether this means they are an SJ or another type that simply knows how to explain in various ways.

 

[Amargith]

I don't see this as pride as much as it is necessity and practicality. I am not equal-opportunity when I seek advice because no matter how expert someone is, I cannot use their advice unless it is explained to me in an understandable way. I like to seek out other SJs because they can and do appreciate that I need details and data. I cannot understand how certain types can repeatedly omit details and data in their explanations and expect to be understood much less even trusted as correct in their advice and assessments. Too many lacunae and I'm skeptical, or worse: lost.

I like every type, they all have their place in this universe and I do appreciate what they contribute, but ultimately the best teacher and advisor is the one who can convey what I need to know in way that respects how I process, whether this means they are an SJ or another type that simply knows how to explain in various ways.

That's interesting...I have that with people who...vibe out that they have more important things to do or don't want to be here, or cannot stand me asking questions that makes them repeat themselves. The annoyance that they're radiating becomes soooo loud and so obnoxious that it literally distracts me and drowns out their words. I become scared of asking questions and I just nod that I've understood to get it over with and get away from them. And...most of the time I get away with it because Ne allows me to skip the details, let someone ramble on and just pick up the highlights and fill in the blanks myself - as long as the topic is intuitive to me (I cannot do this with..well, math, for instance, unfortunately).

Ironically, my own partner is like this. He hates repetition, explaining things to people and as an Ni-dom he just assumes people will *get* it. Our fights these days are about him changing the computer system he insisted on having on the Tv to the point where that thing now has like 75 different bells and whistles. And then he doesn't even tell me about it. I could care less about technology as it is, but he just assumes that I'll figure it out. Then, when I run into trouble and get pissed at him and the thing itself, he'll explain to me with a tone of 'how do you not know this???' where I went wrong that time. So, he never takes the time to fully walk me through it, show me how its set up and why and how to navigate the different loops. When he does show me a piece, I'm usually already so pissed that I could care less at that point

He had the same problem at work where he, when he was training personnel for his company, he found himself non-stop correcting people's mistakes and re-explaining things. He has a lot of patience for a lot of things but this just...aint one of em. It drives him absolutely insane.

While I can sympathise with that, I'm sick and tired of being considered a) an Ni-dom who'll just get this shit, coz he does, b) considered psychic because I don't even get to know how he set up the system so there *is* nothing to intuit in the first place and c) a techno geek who is supposed to be interested in this stuff. So I've told him from now on - if you're planning on making changes to that idiotic piece of *****, think LOOOONG and HARD before you do, because you WILL have to go through this with me each time. And if you don't teach me properly, I WILL make your life a LIVING HELL. EVERY GODDAMN TIME.


And that is a solid promise

I've taught my mom, who is an SJ and...she has that same fear as I do - she hates feeling like she has no control and is somehow stupid for not knowing this stuff - and I've also noticed that we come to things from opposite ways. I've had to revise my own teaching style to suit her needs. I usually start with the oversight (because that's what i need to intuit the rest), on an abstract level and then come down to a concrete level by giving examples of the abstract principles. With her, I've noticed, I need to start with what is *right* in front of her and make a linear line, looking at *all* the details before we move on to the next topic, in order to then connect it to the next piece. It was mildly disorienting for me at first but then I caught on - it's the way most schools (at least here) also structure their lesson plans (which was one of the reasons I never got the cohesion and the oversight I needed and fell asleep in class, actually - it's so weird how that is so different for different people).

 

[elcie]

I find it easier to defer the more opposite the person is I think. Like easier to defer to INTP than ENFJ or ISTJ even if I need their N or T. I'm too proud.

 

[Santosha]

Interestingly, my two closest peeps are Ti doms, two more are Te. I've never really thought of it as deferring, I've just naturally drawn to people who cover my ass well. Maybe there is something to dual relations. As a 6, I am a natural trouble-shooter. I can count on myself more than others to recognize a glitch in the system. As a Dom fi user, I can count on myself more than others to know how I feel and what I want. But, in fixing said problem or achieving said want, I will turn to my closest pals, for the 'how'. And, at times of extreme stress and frustration (though often I become remote to process it all on my own) if its really bad, I'll reach out to the ti doms. They are like a different species. I have no conscious awareness of how ti does what it does, only that it offers a widely different take from any lens I can access. And the only reason I was able to not only accept, but occasionally embrace the foreign ti perspective, is because I've known these ti doms for almost 15 years now. A slow process over a long time that showed me how to trust something I don't have the slightest way of doing any kind of checks and balances on. Blind faith.

Edit: However, I don't try to fix my own car, or fill my own cavities (hah). Obviously, I'll defer to others with specialized knowledge. But, when my mechanic tells me it's the water pump, I'll dig for more info on how he knows this, lol. I'll go to a recommended dentist. There are, unfortunately, times when my attempted 9 integration of 'trust' in the universe - has back-fired harshly. So I don't try to be a 9, I just try to fine-tune the identification of when those approaches are more beneficial.

 

[Kheledon]

I tend to defer to my ISFP wife regarding any mechanical issues that may arise around the house. She's such a natural "fixer" that she once thought she was an ISTP, but we're both fairly certain that she's an ISFP because her program function SiFe is so obviously and outrageously powerful. I definitely defer to her on interior decoration. She can create comfort and harmony in a given space in a way I can not. What I don't do as often is defer to her in group situations, and I probably should. She can control the mood of a group effortlessly--creating the comfort and harmony that she seeks. I tend to hog the spotlight (as a performer), and I know this, so I will often temporarily leave the space where the group is gathered (just stepping outside, for example) so that she can do her thing (and so that other people will feel like they have more opportunity to actually talk).

 

[Silent]

I defer to my husband for several things. He is excellent at directions, maps, and lots of information. He also has superb judgement. I should follow it more often though.

 

[Cellmold]

I defer to others in all situations except ones where I'm entirely by myself doing personal things without others.

It works out better that way as my judgement is very poor.