ENTP INFP relationship....resumed after 30 years

[Hetaira]

You tell me. You're the one who framed yourself as having values in the first place.

Yes...Values: I cannot have extramarital sex with him. Although I did many years ago when I was married to my husband. Yes...I told my husband about the affair.

I can justify in my own value system to have an emotional affair with him. Maybe I am more French than American in my values?

 

[PeaceBaby]

Yes...Values: I cannot have extramarital sex with him. Although I did many years ago when I was married to my husband. Yes...I told my husband about the affair.

I can justify in my own value system to have an emotional affair with him. Maybe I am more French than American in my values?

This is what I see: you set your values to suit your purpose. You still have feminine power and seek to use it as a lure to eventually convince him to leave his current arrangement and be with you. What I am saying is let's just not hold any pretense about the convenience of your values. They are arbitrary at best, and they suit you very well in your current design.

I make no judgement over you for that. I am simply disinterested in watching you deceive yourself or anyone else here.

 

[Hetaira]

This is what I see: you set your values to suit your purpose. You still have feminine power and seek to use it as a lure to eventually convince him to leave his current arrangement and be with you. What I am saying is let's just not hold any pretense about the convenience of your values. They are arbitrary at best, and they suit you very well in your current design.

I make no judgement over you for that. I am simply disinterested in watching you deceive yourself or anyone else here.

Smart lady you are.

Brilliant INFP you are.

You helped me see many things about myself. Thank you.

 

[1487610420]

Smart lady you are.

Brilliant INFP you are.

You helped me see many things about myself. Thank you.

Was there really anything said here that you didn't already know?

I wondered about the whole "30 yrs apart to being intimate" happened but I doubt it was serendipitous, as you seem very well versed in not just enabling, but baiting the ENTP mind you claim to know so well...

As for him...he needs to face himself and his weakness/cowardice/staying in a toxic relationship and wallowing in self pity and addiction to cop out.

ETA: IME, [MENTION=5999]PeaceBaby[/MENTION]'s essence should be bottled and infused in all the INFPs (and prob others) that I've seen developing a similar self-serving warped logic

 

[Hawthorne]

Sounds like option two is the least regrettable choice for you.

I'm not one to play morality police. I'm inclined to agree with the others that you are looking at this man and this experience with your idealist shades on, but at the end of the day, you chose what makes you happy and accept the consequences that may come with it.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

What is the popular earth expression? "The grass is always greener..."

 

[PeaceBaby]

You helped me see many things about myself. Thank you.

You took it on the chin with grace and honesty. I admire that.

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

Hello everyone. I am new here.

I have completely fallen in love only two times in my life...with two ENTP's. Something about the XNTP is magical, intense and overwhelming chemistry like no other. Part physical and part mental. I have deliberately been out of an old ENTP's life for over 30 years...because he was married. He loved me dearly many years ago..but I could not take the intimacy and "ran."

Now..I have moved back to my hometown...and he has come over twice and often texts me. He has shared everything with me...his current death spiral, his current drinking, his long and miserable marriage to an ESFJ (who I actually know and know how miserable they both are). He shared with me his two affairs (ESTP & ????).

My dilemma is this: I still love him...and since my divorce 8 years ago (ex-ISTP) have never remarried..though been engaged 3 times (ISTP, ISFP, ESFP). I was afraid if he ever showed up at my door single, I would leave whoever for this man (ENTP).

We have started becoming more intimate...but due to my strong FI, I have shared, I can't/won't share any man I sleep with. So..he knows the boundaries.

But he is still married. I am violating my own values/principles and it is killing me..but I feel there is more from him towards me than just a desire to get laid. He is attractive and could be with anyone, anytime. He stated he has been faithful for the last 5 years...and I believe him. He will share everything with me...and has never lied to me.

Our connection is the NE....he and I both can spend hours talking/listening about his ideas...current businesses he owns, etc. His goals, etc.

Your thoughts? Ideas?

You are not violating your principles, you are simply becoming another woman... Sometimes old principles must be broken and given up

to be more free. But... I would not believe him too fast....faithful....an ENTP..... a male. Well, does he talk about YOUR goals, your business, your ideas, your feelings ?

If no, ride another horse !

 

[evilrubberduckie]

First ask yourself, "Are you worth it?" as in "does it benefit me more then him in this relationship.

IF not, press on the breaks.

if yes, as the question "Is HE worth it"

If not, Stop.

Third, ask yourself. "Is the change worth it?"

If not, pause.

Fourth, ask yourself "Why am I doubting?"

The fact that you are doubting means that there is something wrong. So stop, re-evaluate, asses until the doubt stops. Unless you trust yourself to know how to land when you take the leap, dont take the leap at all until you have the parachute.

 

[Hetaira]

First ask yourself, "Are you worth it?" as in "does it benefit me more then him in this relationship.

IF not, press on the breaks.

if yes, as the question "Is HE worth it"

If not, Stop.

Third, ask yourself. "Is the change worth it?"

If not, pause.

Fourth, ask yourself "Why am I doubting?"

The fact that you are doubting means that there is something wrong. So stop, re-evaluate, asses until the doubt stops. Unless you trust yourself to know how to land when you take the leap, dont take the leap at all until you have the parachute.

Fantastic advice! Thank you!
1. Yes...I am very worth the respect and honor he shows to me. Today...I believe and feel I am worthy of his love and devotion. Many years ago...I did not.
2. Yes...He is well worth it or I would not be even willing to invest my time, energy and heart.
3. Is the change worth it? Hm...for myself, it is no big change. He has always given me great freedom and support. For him? It would be a huge change. He would disappoint his children, lose an enormous amount of money and status in the community.
4. Why I am doubting? I am not sure why. I am willing to proceed further...as long as we can keep it on the level it is...if he tells me in the future...he has filed divorce..and has moved out...then and only then will we proceed sexually. I want to see actions...and not hear vain words of love. Although he has never done that. He is the ultimate "man with a plan."

Yes...I guess that it is. Until he has moved out...and filed divorce..that is the parachute. No "jumping" till then.

Thank you!

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

[MENTION=26035]Hetaira[/MENTION]

As someone who was with a married man (in my early 20's) and considering it was the worst thing I could've done. Let me tell you this about how these guys work....

They will give you many reasons why it is so impossible take action to leave. Even if you never ask for it. They will "build their case" early on.

They are manipulative narcissists. This guy has had numerous affairs in the past. Why is he a good person? Count the ways...

You will see he isn't. Oh. He has a shrew of a wife probably and they probably don't even sleep together anymore! (Lie). He will give you many examples of how she fails at even the most common niceties.

"She never asks me about ME" "She talks down to me."

Funny that he will never tell you the other side of that story. How maybe he is just as nasty and withholding. These relationships are toxic! Don't even get close enough to smell the fumes, lady.

The children. He's such a good guy he could NEVER hurt his kids by leaving. Never mind that if his marriage is as miserable as he describes and they don't get along why is this not harmful to the kids? (Can't answer that one).

He is such a stand up guy that he would lose respect for YOU if you slept with HIM. You wouldn't be marriage material? Wtf.

So he can sleep around but you must remain pristine or risk being seen as less than worthy of more from him?

Chauvinistic, narcissistic bullshit. This guy is grooming you. Just watch. Cut ties - now!

If you have any questions or want more detail feel free to PM me.

 

[Hetaira]

[MENTION=26035]Hetaira[/MENTION]

As someone who was with a married man (in my early 20's) and considering it was the worst thing I could've done. Let me tell you this about how these guys work....

They will give you many reasons why it is so impossible take action to leave. Even if you never ask for it. They will "build their case" early on.

They are manipulative narcissists. This guy has had numerous affairs in the past. Why is he a good person? Count the ways...

You will see he isn't. Oh. He has a shrew of a wife probably and they probably don't even sleep together anymore! (Lie). He will give you many examples of how she fails at even the most common niceties.

"She never asks me about ME" "She talks down to me."

Funny that he will never tell you the other side of that story. How maybe he is just as nasty and withholding. These relationships are toxic! Don't even get close enough to smell the fumes, lady.

The children. He's such a good guy he could NEVER hurt his kids by leaving. Never mind that if his marriage is as miserable as he describes and they don't get along why is this not harmful to the kids? (Can't answer that one).

He is such a stand up guy that he would lose respect for YOU if you slept with HIM. You wouldn't be marriage material? Wtf.

So he can sleep around but you must remain pristine or risk being seen as less than worthy of more from him?

Chauvinistic, narcissistic bullshit. This guy is grooming you. Just watch. Cut ties - now!

If you have any questions or want more detail feel free to PM me.

I took your advice.

Best thing I ever did.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I took your advice.

Best thing I ever did.

I'm so happy to hear that.