This is an old thread but I do have some personal experience and observations when it comes to this relationship so I want to share.
When it’s working - What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships? Fe and Fi can perfectly fill each other's weak points and be excellent partners for growth. They share Ne/Si so they can more easily balance the need for spontaneity and order than some other P/J relationships. They are both optimistic, idealistic individuals who can greatly improve the lives of one another if they both desire to.
How compatible do you think these two types are in general? I think it varies, I've seen the INFP/ESFJ relationship listed as both ideal and contradictory by different sources. The positives tend to even out with the negatives, so I'd consider it one of the more neutral partnerships there can be.
Why are they attracted to each other? The INFP admires the charisma and social grace of the ESFJ, perhaps even feeling traces of envy towards how well put together they appear. They feel like the ESFJ is a warm and welcoming person, deeply appreciating their attentive nature. The ESFJ finds the INFP's reserved and intuitive nature intriguing, they see the internal empathy of the INFP and desire to pull them out of their shell. The ESFJ often feels unappreciated for all the effort they put into their relationships and the INFP is not only appreciative but a brilliant listener, so both feel heard by the other.
How do they compliment each other? I suppose I already delved a bit into this with the first question, but the INFP and ESFJ do compliment each other nicely. The INFP has tertiary Si and the ESFJ has tertiary Ne so although they don't share preferences, they appreciate the other's use of their lower function, often even amused by it. They are both feeling dominants so this relationship has an advantage when it comes to communication that is both respectful and sensitive of the other's values. They can pull each other out of negative spirals; when the ESFJ becomes too obsessive about details the INFP's easy-going nature helps break them out of that cycle and when the INFP is being too indecisive and flighty the ESFJ's perseverance does the same.
How well do they understand each other and why? There is a risk for misunderstanding on both sides. Where they can admire each other's strengths, there is room for annoyance. The ESFJ may view the INFP's dominant Fi as being selfish and disruptive of social harmony, the INFP may view the ESFJ's dominant Fe as being fake and inauthentic. There is also the clash of sensor vs intuitive. The ESFJ can feel like the INFP reads too deeply into things and spends too much time thinking about useless endeavors, the INFP can feel like the ESFJ is too simplistic and doesn't meet their needs for depth of conversation. They don't understand each other as naturally as they would some other types, but this is easily solved with upfront communication. The issue arises with the fact that upfront communication is not much of either's strong suit without effort. On a basic level, they both understand what it feels like to lead with empathy and feel the world is too cruel. They both understand what it is like to feel unheard in a relationship and struggle to convey how they truly feel to others.
What are they like together raising children? I imagine the ESFJ would focus on giving their children a sense of belonging, focusing on routine so that the children can flourish in their environment. The INFP would be much more lenient in that regard and focus on instilling personal values in their children, making sure they feel heard and have a good sense of right and wrong. They can work well together and, once again, fill the gaps of the other's weaknesses.
When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship? As mentioned above, the biggest struggles will be sensor vs intuitive and Fe vs Fi. Aside what I already mentioned, there can also be a lack of logical consistency and objectivity in this relationship. Both ESFJs and INFPs have their thinking function last, therefore it'll be their weakest to manage. This can create a toxic feedback loop of them indulging the other's illogical opinions or views on a purely emotional basis, making them unhealthily codependent on the other. They're both bad at confrontation so it's important for them to be diligent when issues do arise so they don't begin to fester.
What are some of the communication challenges they can have? Neither are on the same page about it, for a start. The ESFJ can place unspoken expectations on the INFP that cause feelings of frustration when those expectations are not met, then exerting themselves through, more often than not, passive-aggression as the Fe in the ESFJ is unconsciously expressing itself. The INFP doesn't understand unspoken expectations, they focus on getting their own needs met and expect that others will do the same which can make them appear unconcerned with the ESFJ's disparities. Further, the INFP's Fi doesn't need to extrovert it's emotion so instead of reacting with passive-aggression when their needs aren't being met, they start to shut down and distance themselves emotionally from the ESFJ. The INFP distancing themselves makes the ESFJ even more upset and therefore even more violate, and the ESFJ's volatile behavior makes the INFP even more upset and proceed to distance themselves even more, creating an unhealthy loop of communication.
What are the biggest frustrations between these two types? Fi and Fe is going to be the main clash here. The INFP's 'I don't feel like it is important, so what's the point in doing it?' attitude towards life appears very self-centered to the ESFJ and the ESFJ's 'you're not feeling it? Then suck it up and smile!' attitude towards life appears disingenuous to the INFP. There is also the issue of the ESFJ being an extrovert and the INFP being an introvert. The INFP can feel very smothered by the ESFJ and feel too afraid to directly ask for space, so they may avoid being around the ESFJ, pretend to be busy or ignore calls. This can quite clearly hurt the ESFJ's feelings and create tension between the two.
How can they take each other for granted? The ESFJ can take the INFP's creativity for granted, thinking that they should put their time and energy into something more tangible or productive. The INFP can take the ESFJ's dutiful nature for granted, feeling like the ESFJ should just let loose and stop fretting so much about others.
What happens when things “go wrong†between these two types? The ESFJ thinks the INFP is selfish, cold and unappreciative. They feel like the INFP takes all the effort they put into the relationship for granted, they don't react to their emotions, they don't feel heard. The only way they feel like they can express themselves in a way that will affect the INFP is by being more clingy, acting passive-aggressive and emotionally volatile towards them. But this only makes them feel like the INFP cares even less, so they grow paranoid about whether the INFP truly loves or is loyal towards them. Their paranoia makes the INFP act more cold and distant.
The INFP thinks the ESFJ is volatile, shallow and and needy. They feel like the ESFJ doesn't truly understand or care about them, like the ESFJ is blind to the depths of how they feel and no matter what they do, it's never enough. The only way they feel like they can protect themselves from feeling unheard is by pulling away from the ESFJ, no longer attempting to share those deep emotions with the other and further hiding back inside of themselves. This only makes the ESFJ feel even more unappreciated and like the INFP doesn't care about them, so they begin to act even more volatile which makes the INFP feel more misunderstood and act more coldly towards the ESFJ.
Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have? A huge emphasis on communication and overcoming fear of discomfort. Both need to be honest about their opinions without being uncaring towards the other's, and they need to be willing to compromise when their needs clash.
What things should each type do to facilitate better communication? A really good idea I read about was for each partner to randomly check in on if the other is feeling okay, even if there haven't been any signs of issues thus far. This is especially important for the ESFJ to do with the INFP, as the INFP can be secretive when something is bothering them and seem to be waiting around for someone else to make them open up. The INFP should also stop being afraid of being honest about their emotions and hurting the ESFJ's feelings, they need to understand that how the ESFJ reacts is not their decision to make and they're making the problem grow by trying to remain in control. On the other hand, the ESFJ needs to stop being so emotionally volatile and making the INFP feel ashamed for how they feel. Not every emotional dispute is accusatory or means you're a bad person, it just means there is a problem that needs to be fixed.
What advice do you have for each of the two types? The ESFJ needs to pay attention to how they respond to the INFP's feelings. To the INFP, insulting what they're passionate about is almost 10x worse than directly insulting them. They need to stop expecting the INFP to act like them or behave in the way they like. They need to work on being emotionally consistent, not saying something petty out of anger when they don't really believe it because the INFP will take it as how they feel deep down inside. They need to understand that the INFP greatly values their time alone and it doesn't mean they don't like to be around the ESFJ, it means it is a necessity that they can't help and making them feel bad about it will not achieve the desired effect.
The INFP needs to stop focusing on how they feel all the time and be more attentive to how the way they present their feelings can affect the way others receive them. Just because they don't feel like doing something, view it as materialistic or aren't interested isn't always the most important thing, it's about making your partner feel appreciated and happy. Enjoying simple things doesn't make the ESFJ shallow or lacking in depth, it means that they are capable of seeing beauty where you don't and that is an amazing quality. They need to understand the importance of communicating and being forthright with the ESFJ about how they feel instead of just going along with whatever the ESFJ wants and being internally frustrated with their partner at the end of the day. You absolve all rights to play victim if you didn't bother to communicate in the first place.
If you are an INFP, what advice do you have for the ESFJs? INFPs spend a large chunk of their life feeling misunderstood and worthless, like they're incapable of doing the simplest of things and that what they are good at is unimportant to others. Be conscious of this and try not to play into it. In my experience, ESFJs do have the tendency to point out the 'weirdness' in an INFP or push what their idea of what the desired qualities of others should be, but this can more often than not push others away rather than bring them closer together. As I recommend the INFP at least try to understand Fe and the importance of the function, I recommend that ESFJs do the same with Fi and try to see where Fi has the potential to have a very positive influence on society.
