INTP and ISFJ Relationships

[highlander]

What do you think about relationships between INTPs and ISFJs? The focus of this is really on romantic relationships but it also makes sense to discuss your experience in situations where these two types interact in a significant way – such as friendship, at work, etc.

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
- Why are they attracted to each other?
- How to they compliment each other?
- How well do they understand each other and why?
- What are they like together raising children?

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
- How can they take each other for granted?
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
- If you are an INTP, what advice do you have for the ISFJs?
- If you are an ISFJ, what advice would you have for the INTPs?

 

[great_bay]

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
- Why are they attracted to each other?
- How to they compliment each other?
- How well do they understand each other and why?
- What are they like together raising children?

- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
I don't think they're compatible romance partners. INTP's want a mindmate and ISFJ's want a playmate. INTP's want to discuss the abstracts and ISFJ's want somebody to help them.

- Why are they attracted to each other?

They're attractive to each other because they activate each other's inferior functions.

- How to they compliment each other?

We compliment each other because our weakest function is their strongest points.

- How well do they understand each other and why?

I never had a hard time understanding my ISFJ mom. I can write a book about an ISFJ main character while tap dancing. They're straightforward. I don't get why other people have a hard time understanding them. We share the same functions.
- What are they like together raising children?

Typical J plays the administration role while P is laid back.

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
There is no commutation errors I ever had.
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
They ignore my logical analysis and I ignore how people feel.
- How can they take each other for granted?
INTP may not appeciate ISFJ's introverted sensing abilities doing chores and paintwork. ISFJ's may think Ne is absurd.
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?
I had trouble doing housework around my ISFJ mom. She always gets mad at me for not getting the details done right when I don't really care if the laundry are folded well. Conflicts erupts when they do errands close to each other.

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
Communication isn't really a problem
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
Appreciate each other's strengths.

 

[Xander]

A communication challenge I've had in the past is around the INTP habit of challenging ideas and the ISFJ conformism. I tended to find that whilst I was investigating an idea or trying to understand the framework of something I'd get into trouble for appearing to be critical of the current setup which would then draw indignation from the ISFJ that I was criticising something which formed one of their "should do" ideals. Apparently intellectual inquiry has to be done on a formal basis regarding such pillars of the mind.

one does not simply walk up and ask questions.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

When you actually live with an INTP, life tends to require that you be an ISFJ in action and life-tasks, regardless of whether or not you were one to start with, so I can see it as a natural pairing. The positive is that there are similarities in thinking and assumptions, and a complement of strengths and weaknesses. The negative side is that the INTP can be so lost in their own world of thought that the ISFJ becomes caretaker with little reciprocation, but because of their loyal and helpful nature will tend to live out an unfulfilled life, internalizing their own sense of isolation. None of this will occur to the INTP who just notices that life goes along smoothly, there is always food on the table, the bed is made, laundry done, and bills paid.

 

[dog]

When you actually live with an INTP, life tends to require that you be an ISFJ in action and life-tasks, regardless of whether or not you were one to start with, so I can see it as a natural pairing. The positive is that there are similarities in thinking and assumptions, and a complement of strengths and weaknesses. The negative side is that the INTP can be so lost in their own world of thought that the ISFJ becomes caretaker with little reciprocation, but because of their loyal and helpful nature will tend to live out an unfulfilled life, internalizing their own sense of isolation. None of this will occur to the INTP who just notices that life goes along smoothly, there is always food on the table, the bed is made, laundry done, and bills paid.

your quote about ISFJs living out an unfulfilled life nails it i think....my (ex?) wife spent 20 years loyally accomadating my naive Nish ideas (which always failed AND made our marriage even one step worse). so she separated last year. i then learned mbti (too late). and mbti has just become another one of my N things to her. seems over to me. .

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

I have little to zero interest in focusing on day-to-day chores and tasks which will keep my family from falling apart and into ruin; when I try to fill the role of responsible husband and father, it often goes comically wrong. I admit my IFP wife bears the majority of that burden. I do help out, but it has come with years of practice. I have learned to make a conscious effort to be mindful of her contributions and to thank her duly, whether it be via words or actions.

Yes, it is a good match assuming the ISFJ wants to fill that role, the INTP doesn't take the support for granted, and the INTP is willing to take some responsibility as well.

 

[Riva]

ISFJ women are god's gift to man. She's the ideal type for any type. Just don't let that 'I' grow into an 'E' which would eventually happen .

It would be better though if the ISFJ is an SX last. She would suffer quite a bit otherwise.

 

[JocktheMotie]

When you actually live with an INTP, life tends to require that you be an ISFJ in action and life-tasks, regardless of whether or not you were one to start with, so I can see it as a natural pairing. The positive is that there are similarities in thinking and assumptions, and a complement of strengths and weaknesses. The negative side is that the INTP can be so lost in their own world of thought that the ISFJ becomes caretaker with little reciprocation, but because of their loyal and helpful nature will tend to live out an unfulfilled life, internalizing their own sense of isolation. None of this will occur to the INTP who just notices that life goes along smoothly, there is always food on the table, the bed is made, laundry done, and bills paid.

 

[Totenkindly]

A communication challenge I've had in the past is around the INTP habit of challenging ideas and the ISFJ conformism. I tended to find that whilst I was investigating an idea or trying to understand the framework of something I'd get into trouble for appearing to be critical of the current setup which would then draw indignation from the ISFJ that I was criticising something which formed one of their "should do" ideals. Apparently intellectual inquiry has to be done on a formal basis regarding such pillars of the mind.

That can be an issue.

- INTP's analysis can be viewed as needlessly personal and critical, especially if the ISFJ is doing the work and the INTP is just commenting on the work.

- ISFJ's devotion to ideals can seem conformist / blindly devoted and sometimes misplaced to INTP.

So impersonal critique in absence of praise can seem mean-spirited, while inability to detach can seem over-sensitive.

INTP does well to learn to share thoughts and signs of appreciation rather than just efficiently focusing on the "breakdown" points (i.e., the things that don't seem to make sense), as well as learning to take more initiative rather than just flexing to ISFJ (who seems to feel more personal responsibility to make things happen and will typically end up doing more of the practical work).

Meanwhile, ISFJ does well to detach a bit and also realize that a lack of initiative/involvements doesn't necessarily mean INTP doesn't care... sometimes the INTP might be open but needs help to learn when to engage and take initiative.

ISFJ seems very receptive to handling the more practical items if help or appreciation is offered. INTP (if not self-absorbed) seems receptive to helping if they are aware of the need or desire for help.

ISFJ women are god's gift to man. She's the ideal type for any type. Just don't let that 'I' grow into an 'E' which would eventually happen .

It would be better though if the ISFJ is an SX last. She would suffer quite a bit otherwise.

...Riva, you're positively primeval.

 

[Julius_Van_Der_Beak]

I think my sister might be an ISFJ type. She strikes me as somebody that would probably be happier in a stay-at-home role, much to my mother's chagrin.

I also feel like dating an ISFJ would be like dating my sister, and that would be gross.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

your quote about ISFJs living out an unfulfilled life nails it i think....my (ex?) wife spent 20 years loyally accomadating my naive Nish ideas (which always failed AND made our marriage even one step worse). so she separated last year. i then learned mbti (too late). and mbti has just become another one of my N things to her. seems over to me. .

This is a very honest, thoughtful post. Very cool of you. The best any of us can do it be honest about the pain we have faced and our own shortcomings as people. It's okay to be human, but it is the defensive behaviors of denial and anger that are the most destructive in relationships.

 

[Yama]

I'm answering in a platonic relationship context.

When it’s working – What are the joys and positive aspects of these relationships?
- How compatible do you think these two types are in general?
- Why are they attracted to each other?
- How to they compliment each other?
- How well do they understand each other and why?
- What are they like together raising children?

- Really, really does depend on the two individuals, their maturity levels, etc. I think any combinations of any types could get along depending on how someone is as a person, and not as a type.
- No idea. I'm not drawn towards INTPs any more than I am any other type, but when I do get along with INTPs, its because we know how to get along. Usually this is through humor.
- I like to bounce ideas off of INTPs. I trust them to tell me if it's good or not.
- I only know one INTP, my sister, and she has the tendency to make assumptions about me that she internally decides are true without ever testing whether they are or not. And I don't understand her all that well either, because she doesn't talk to me about anything.
- I don't know.

When it’s not working – What are the challenges when two people of this type are in a relationship?
- What are some of the communication challenges they can have?
- What are the biggest frustrations between these two types?
- How can they take each other for granted?
- What happens with things “go wrong” between these two types?

- For the one that I do know: doesn't listen. Assumes she knows what I'm going to say before I say it and interprets it wrong. Refuses to compromise.
- Miscommunication.
- The INTP that I know takes 50000% for granted all the crap that I do. I clean the counter, and within an hour she stacks cans and dishes all over it, then gets pissed and defensive when I get pissed. I'm not sure what I take for granted from her, you'd have to ask her.
- It's absolutely horrid. Don't go there. Avoid bad ISFJ/INTP dynamic at all costs. If you can't make it work then get out fast.

Advice for couples – What recommendations do you have?
- What things should each type do to facilitate better communication?
- What advice do you have for each of the two types?
- If you are an ISFJ, what advice would you have for the INTPs?

INTP needs to learn that ISFJ can't read minds. ISFJ needs to draw clearer boundaries so that INTP knows what to expect ahead of time.

--

This really sounds rather negative because it's based off of mostly bad interactions I've had based on the only one INTP that I know irl. But that isn't to say that ISFJs and INTPs can't have a really good thing going on. I think the important thing here is COMMUNICATION. Both parties need to be extremely clear about what they want/expect/mean/etc. They can't read each others' minds, and both usually have expectations for the other that they just sort of "naturally expect" them to follow without really telling them so, and then when they don't (because neither are mind-readers!) then both of them get butthurt.

I'm looking forward to the day I can meet a real-life INTP who I get along with a lot more than my sister. Forum INTPs here are rather nice and I like them.

 

[Galaxy Gazer]

ISFJ women are god's gift to man. She's the ideal type for any type. Just don't let that 'I' grow into an 'E' which would eventually happen .

It would be better though if the ISFJ is an SX last. She would suffer quite a bit otherwise.

ISFJ is supposedly the ideal match for an ESTP. This is probably why you feel that way. Also types don't change, so an 'I' can't ever turn into an 'E'.

 

[Riva]

ISFJ is supposedly the ideal match for an ESTP. This is probably why you feel that way. Also types don't change, so an 'I' can't ever turn into an 'E'.

There is nothing in this universe that doesn't change. There is nothing in this universe that has no biginning or end. So by that logic we could assume that under certain circumstances one's personality type (inluding mbti type) can also change .

If i am not mistaken jung himself said that personlity types could change.

Anyway i not talkimg about mbti chamge. I am talking about growrh. When people mature second third fourth etc functions develop. So an isfj could cme off slightly more extroverted as they mature.

----

Certain types are naturally good at certain tasks more so than other types. It doesn't mean others can't work/think hard and be good at these tasks they are not naturlly good at to levels that are second to none.

Ixfj are naturally bot feminine and warm. Something not many men can complain about. Infjs kinda have bery high standards and expectations in a partner. Isfj not so much.