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INTJ and INFP Relationships

OrangeAppled

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[MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION], [MENTION=20044]chubber[/MENTION] --
How much do you think that's an NF thing and how much a 4 thing? I'm 5w4 and I find I can muster very little energy or enthusiasm for mowing the grass or changing the cat's litter box.
Mundane *numerical* tasks such as bills or recording payments, investments, and the like, I do *to relax*. Or grocery shopping, which takes creativity and optimization.
Any insights from the NF side of the fence?

It is not a matter of enthusiasm, but the manner in which one actually accomplishes things. TJs seem to work in a more linear manner. Between NP and FP tendencies, INFPs will work in bursts of energy and may expend much energy to find shortcuts to reuse (appearing to initially waste time exploring possible shortcuts).

I also do not always see the logic in many tasks. If it takes me just as long to file a paper and thumbs through files when I need it as it does to toss it on top of a pile in a desk drawer, then why bother with buying file folders and labelling them, etc? That is my idea of pragmaticism. Certain kinds of organizing take more energy than they save.

Thing is, [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION] is romanticising the "play" Ne/Ni which is untrue, it is literally disagreements. That could be stemming from her Fi fantasising it. So I'm just out to stop it, it's selling the untrue Fairytale Disney dream. (INTJ selling doom and gloom again?) I would like to think I'm being realistic. The play between Ne/Ni is fun'ish, but the INFP's Ne is their Auxiliary and it will not be the same as the ENFP's Ne-Dom that can put up with much longer of Ni. Eventually the INTJ will have to use Te and then the INFP will ... well die inside. They will make everything personal and think it is their fault, when the INTJ is merely discussing objectively, which allows to make tough decisions easier.

I have never in any way, shape or form suggested there is "fun play" between NJs and NPs. On the contrary, my post addressed conflicts.
I have never been a proponent of the INFP-INTJ match.
I assure you, there is no fantasy nor romanticizing of INTJs and especially not Ni mentality. I do not find the typical INTJ personality attractive, the description of one is not close to my ideal, and an INTJ has never had a role in any of my fantasies.

It seems a fantasy of yours to be an INFP fantasy.
 

grey_beard

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It is not a matter of enthusiasm, but the manner in which one actually accomplishes things. TJs seem to work in a more linear manner. Between NP and FP tendencies, INFPs will work in bursts of energy and may expend much energy to find shortcuts to reuse (appearing to initially waste time exploring possible shortcuts).

I also do not always see the logic in many tasks. If it takes me just as long to file a paper and thumbs through files when I need it as it does to toss it on top of a pile in a desk drawer, then why bother with buying file folders and labelling them, etc? That is my idea of pragmaticism. Certain kinds of organizing take more energy than they save.

That's true, usually; until the "black swan" event when you need *that* piece of paper from seven years ago...

but: as for the rest: you'd make a good programmer -- yes, I know your IRL job is aught to do with Web design or similar. Reflecting on other code jocks I have known...'tis a good trait to have.:doh:



I have never in any way, shape or form suggested there is "fun play" between NJs and NPs. On the contrary, my post addressed conflicts.
I have never been a proponent of the INFP-INTJ match.
I assure you, there is no fantasy nor romanticizing of INTJs and especially not Ni mentality. I do not find the typical INTJ personality attractive, the description of one is not close to my ideal, and an INTJ has never had a role in any of my fantasies.

It seems a fantasy of yours to be an INFP fantasy.

Someone mentioned once that the INTJ / INFP relationship takes awhile to get off the ground, as both participants are quite passive. I must confess, though, this is the first time I've seen an internet flamewar between two parties proceed in slow motion. :popc1: :coffee:
 

chubber

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I have never in any way, shape or form suggested there is "fun play" between NJs and NPs. On the contrary, my post addressed conflicts.
I have never been a proponent of the INFP-INTJ match.
I assure you, there is no fantasy nor romanticizing of INTJs and especially not Ni mentality. I do not find the typical INTJ personality attractive, the description of one is not close to my ideal, and an INTJ has never had a role in any of my fantasies.

It seems a fantasy of yours to be an INFP fantasy.

yr6mgdF0b9arC.gif
 

chubber

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Now that's odd. I go shopping too, but my ...is it my Fi? No, it's my sx kicks in, and I buy too much of something new. (But that's OK, I stockpile and use; except for fresh vegetables, which are cheap, I rarely need to throw something out.) And if it works, I incorporate it into my world. See also baleen whale, ingesting vast quantities and keeping the tasty plankton...
I'm going to try and keep it in MBTI terms, so I would translate that sx into the INTJ which becomes depressed and turns into the ESFP (shadow), who seeks deep connections, over doing it, without Fi correcting Se, only using Fi to feed Se instead.

While I can comprehend this -- the "categorizing by felt intensity along related *emotional* axes...and then the mis-filing corrupts the memory itself, because 'well, that's how it _affected_ me' " --
I think it would drive my analytical memory clinically insane: like Sheldon in that episode of Big Bang Theory where Amy tries to correct his OCD but deliberately leaving things undone...
it is annoying, because you have to go through the whole process of explaining and as soon as you start, they get bored and annoyed, rolling their eyes, which will only leave you more frustrated.

Huh. Filing for reference, revisiting memories of past interactions, furiously scribbling notes. Te is kind of a buzzkill to warm fuzzies, isn't it?
Te is cold, compared to Fe that is warm. Fi doesn't know what to do with our Te, neither does Te know what to do with Fi. We can fake Fe for a short while, (Fe 7th function, aka Trickster), but that will only come back to bite us, since the wrath of the Fi-Dom will now be engaged to take on/counter our tiny Fe attempt. Only going to lead to burn out (IxTJ), pretty soon.

Only experience I've had was chasing Ne around like...well, I've said it too often already. But after a time, Ni wants it some Te for a change of pace; and I surmise, that the INFP wants some Fi to recharge. And yes, those could be at cross-purposes, unless the two ...combatants? ;) each retire to their separate corners...
Yes, Ni will seek out Ne and try to clobber it, that's where all the fun is. Heated arguments++ :wubbie:
But since their Ne is Aux, their going to get "tired" pretty soon and retire somewhere, if they haven't made everything, personally, yet. INTJs will let NFPs get away with that NFJs will never let them get away with. and They know it, that's why they don't have "time" for them.

My time here didn't overlap with [MENTION=8413]Zarathustra[/MENTION] much, but I think I remember in visiting some long-mummified threads, that he was romantically entwined with an INFP once upon time. Apologies if such is too personal or taboo to mention on this site, for reasons of old politics which I wasn't around for...

I don't know, we could ask [MENTION=6561]HorseAppled[/MENTION]'s opinion. :smile:
 

SpankyMcFly

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Hey, INTJs can be girls, too, y'know. :alttongue:

Actually, that reminds me. I've been meaning to start a thread about T women dating F men. (And what a frustrating mess it can be.)

If you do start that thread please tag me. I personally have only been with female feelers in relationships and was once upon a time quite intrigued by the possibility of a female T + male F combo and what that might be like, anecdotally at least.

@OP Not all INFP's are coy about initiating. I'm a social dom for instance, maybe it's also or partially related to gender roles as well, i.e. that men chase.
 

SpankyMcFly

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So I'm really a guy after all? Cool. Can I be a few inches taller, too?

Don't forget about the whole going to the 'restroom' while standing up.

This alone will literally save you a few weeks of 'time' during your lifetime. 1 minute saved per 'visit', 5 visits per day x 365 days per year x 65 years (assuming 68 year life span and first 3 years in diapers) divided by 60 minutes per hour, divided by 24 hours per day = 82.378472 days to be exact. (I didn't factor for leap years)

Hmmm, what would you do with 83 days... hmmm... *wanders off*
 

SpankyMcFly

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Anyhow, Fi is a judging function, remember, and it's dominant for INFPs. We can be quite judgmental, even if we do show an easygoing Ne face to the world.

In addition, male INFPs like me often develop even more than their natural amount of stubbornness to put on a macho air, since society expects something more like an ESTJ personality in males.

^ This x2.

@OP I recall a female INTJ busting a 'move' on me a few years back (she invited me to eat Thanksgiving dinner with her and a friend family) so not all of them are all timid and stuff.
 

Ozzy

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I am an INTJ raised by both INFP parents, and I have to say that as I've gotten a little older I'm starting to see what wonderful parents they have been. Not saying all INFP's are the same, but these two I love a lot, and yes, they irritate me sometimes (but I'm convinced I am lacking of a completely objective view into our type compatibility because they are my parents), but we overall work it out.

I have a female INFP friend, and we do piss each other off...a lot. I don't know exactly what she thinks about me, but I for one refuse to let a grudge to mar a friendship that I really value. her opinions and insights into various things are very compelling. We have good chemistry as friends, but also need to back up and give each other space.
 

OrangeAppled

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As an INFP, I'd say it's just that when you say something "about A and B in context 1," we hear only "something said in context 1." And when you say something "about C and D in context 2," we only hear "something said in context 2." Furthermore, our memory of the context is mainly of our emotional experience; so no matter what the circumstances were or what was actually said, we only remember that you were being nice or mean or picky or reassuring or whatever. Hence, context 1 and context 2 might look the same to us, though they look different to you. By the time we get to context 3, that's probably just a vague impression of how you've been in the past, how you're being now, and how we feel. As to what you actually said--well, words are slippery anyway; each one has a range of possible meaning, so it's best not to take A, B, C, or D too literally.

I would guess it's very different for xSTJs. They may do the opposite: When you say something "about A and B in context 1," they hear only A and B; and when you say something "about C and D in context 2," they only hear C and D. What was said is what was said and shouldn't be connected to context at all; so it's fair to talk about "A and D in context 3" or any other irrelevant context.

I disagree with this explanation of Fi and memory, and frankly, I find the constant characterizing of Fi as "emotional" categorizing downright lazy (by many posters). An Introverted Feeling types focused on determining the contextual worth of something using an internal gauge (a framework for value concepts built/refined over their lifetime) which very much includes reasoning. If contextual worth is the focus, then that is what will be remembered - thing pertaining to the significance and meaning, etc, of a situation. Emotions are only signals. Rudimentary Fi may stop there, and that is what gets projected onto Fi types by those who have a less differentiated form of it.

People will remember whatever aspect of reality they tend to focus on. If you do not focus on something enough to note it to begin with, then you cannot remember it. The idea that a Ni-dom would remember factual details better is hilarious, then. That is not a mindset focused on concrete facts unless we are talking mistyped ISTJs. Van Der Hoop pretty much notes that Ni-dom tend to see what they want to see, which shows inferior Se (blocking out aspects of reality that do not align with their internally sourced insights; hence, making them quite disconnected from factual reality, as the Se-dom is the true realist). Te is not about noting facts...it is the arrangement of them logically to reach some end goal. The typical NTJ, IMO, is not highly observant of "facts" in day to day life.

I agree that Ne creates links between the contexts so that worth is no longer isolated to the immediate context, as parallels between it and other contexts are noted, creating a "big picture". This is where people (INFP or not) start saying stuff like "always" and "never" in arguments, when they mean to say there is a pattern of something negative. This is because everyone will note patterns to some degree, but Ne types are more focused on it, and NFPs to ones in human relations.

The conflict will between noting/remembering isolated and specific behaviors and their direct consequences vs the emerging pattern and the larger meaning they give to the big picture (ie what it says about the dynamic between the people in the relationship). The last is obviously much more abstract and harder to back with so-called "facts", but it is not impossible to do so. Again, I'd expect this to be worse with an ISTJ, but maybe their actual recollection of facts instead of imagined insights makes them easier to deal with.

I think as INFPs age, healthier Si can help in connecting dots between the Fi evaluations (ie conclusions about what something means) and Ne pattern detecting (how it connects to something else and reveals another, larger meaning).

As noted, being pressed to explain such things to Ni-doms who often think people should just take their word for it (like they're God) is annoying to say the least.

[MENTION=20044]chubber[/MENTION] All of your posts amount to you whining about your girlfriend and describing the most mundane, generic problems that have ever occured between a man and woman in a romantic relationship. This has nothing to do with type dynamics. Also - I am not your girlfriend, nor have I ever been any INTJ's girlfriend, so take the vitrol somewhere else. You're following my posts now like you desperately want my attention, and altering my screen name with something not clever enough to even register as an insult is especially passive-aggressive. That stops now, understand?
 

grey_beard

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I disagree with this explanation of Fi and memory, and frankly, I find the constant characterizing of Fi as "emotional" categorizing downright lazy (by many posters). An Introverted Feeling types focused on determining the contextual worth of something using an internal gauge (a framework for value concepts built/refined over their lifetime) which very much includes reasoning. If contextual worth is the focus, then that is what will be remembered - thing pertaining to the significance and meaning, etc, of a situation. Emotions are only signals. Rudimentary Fi may stop there, and that is what gets projected onto Fi types by those who have a less differentiated form of it.

People will remember whatever aspect of reality they tend to focus on. If you do not focus on something enough to note it to begin with, then you cannot remember it. The idea that a Ni-dom would remember factual details better is hilarious, then. That is not a mindset focused on concrete facts unless we are talking mistyped ISTJs. Van Der Hoop pretty much notes that Ni-dom tend to see what they want to see, which shows inferior Se (blocking out aspects of reality that do not align with their internally sourced insights; hence, making them quite disconnected from factual reality, as the Se-dom is the true realist). Te is not about noting facts...it is the arrangement of them logically to reach some end goal. The typical NTJ, IMO, is not highly observant of "facts" in day to day life.

I agree that Ne creates links between the contexts so that worth is no longer isolated to the immediate context, as parallels between it and other contexts are noted, creating a "big picture". This is where people (INFP or not) start saying stuff like "always" and "never" in arguments, when they mean to say there is a pattern of something negative. This is because everyone will note patterns to some degree, but Ne types are more focused on it, and NFPs to ones in human relations.

The conflict will between noting/remembering isolated and specific behaviors and their direct consequences vs the emerging pattern and the larger meaning they give to the big picture (ie what it says about the dynamic between the people in the relationship). The last is obviously much more abstract and harder to back with so-called "facts", but it is not impossible to do so. Again, I'd expect this to be worse with an ISTJ, but maybe their actual recollection of facts instead of imagined insights makes them easier to deal with.

I think as INFPs age, healthier Si can help in connecting dots between the Fi evaluations (ie conclusions about what something means) and Ne pattern detecting (how it connects to something else and reveals another, larger meaning).

As noted, being pressed to explain such things to Ni-doms who often think people should just take their word for it (like they're God) is annoying to say the least.

[MENTION=20044]chubber[/MENTION] All of your posts amount to you whining about your girlfriend and describing the most mundane, generic problems that have ever occured between a man and woman in a romantic relationship. This has nothing to do with type dynamics. Also - I am not your girlfriend, nor have I ever been any INTJ's girlfriend, so take the vitrol somewhere else. You're following my posts now like you desperately want my attention, and altering my screen name with something not clever enough to even register as an insult is especially passive-aggressive. That stops now, understand?
Those sentences in bold were of particular value. Courteous thanks tendered; despite the risk of offense merely by being one of the Annoying Legion of Doom(TM), and yet presuming to exist within the same forum (let alone post).

Only one minor nitpick, and that in defense of the INTJ Armoured Regiment. You had written:

If you do not focus on something enough to note it to begin with, then you cannot remember it. The idea that a Ni-dom would remember factual details better is hilarious, then.

*If* those details have been delivered in written form, the INTJ will snarf them up like a computer reading native assembler code. If you mean tactile, sensory, social, details, then, sadly, you are right; the idea of an Ni-dom picking up on significance there is hilarious to the point of farce. (Facepalm over 9,000.)
 

Patrick

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I disagree with this explanation of Fi and memory, and frankly, I find the constant characterizing of Fi as "emotional" categorizing downright lazy (by many posters).
I'm not surprised you disagree. I meant that reply as a half-joking response to what I took to be someone's tongue-in-cheek comment. I'm sure your analysis is much better.

When dealing with my INTJ wife, however, I'm usually the emotional one. I've been dealing with Te-vs-Fi friction daily for nearly thirty years (and the Ni-Ne tension doesn't help much either). So I've gotten to where I usually kid about it and laugh it off.
 

chubber

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[MENTION=20044]chubber[/MENTION] All of your posts amount to you whining about your girlfriend and describing the most mundane, generic problems that have ever occured between a man and woman in a romantic relationship. This has nothing to do with type dynamics. Also - I am not your girlfriend, nor have I ever been any INTJ's girlfriend, so take the vitrol somewhere else. You're following my posts now like you desperately want my attention, and altering my screen name with something not clever enough to even register as an insult is especially passive-aggressive. That stops now, understand?

Hello ESTJ :hi:

So you don't like my ingenuity? But I must appreciate yours...

As a relationship takes hold, people with the INFP personality type will show themselves to be passionate, hopeless romantics, while still respecting their partners' independence. INFPs take the time to understand those they care about, while at the same time helping them to learn, grow and change. While INFPs are well-meaning, not everyone appreciates what can come across as constantly being told that they need to improve – or, put another way, that they're not good enough. INFPs would be aghast to find that their intents were interpreted this way, but it's a real risk, and if their partner is as averse to conflict as INFPs themselves, it can boil under the surface for some time before surfacing, too late to fix.

Better Three Hours Too Soon Than a Minute Too Late

This aversion to conflict, while contributing greatly to stability in the relationship when done right, is probably the most urgent quality for INFPs to work on. Between their sensitivity and imagination, INFPs are prone to internalizing even objective statements and facts, reading into them themes and exaggerated consequences, sometimes responding as though these comments are metaphors designed to threaten the very foundations of their principles. Naturally this is almost certainly an overreaction, and INFPs should practice what they preach, and focus on improving their ability to respond to criticism with calm objectivity, rather than irrational accusations and weaponized guilt.

source: INFP Relationships | 16Personalities


So when [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION], finally can let go of my INFP past in my life who she thinks is what I am talking about, the quicker she can pull her head out of the sand. To averting conflict is not what the INTJ needs.
 

PeaceBaby

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Hello ESTJ

Naw, in response to a poke like that, an ESTJ would just call you annoying and stupid and move on. Or "you suck, get better".

To averting conflict is not what the INTJ needs.

What does averting conflict look like? I thought OA telling you to take a hike was pretty direct actually, not seeing conflict aversion there. She doesn't want to talk to you anymore when you're dictating the terms of interaction without 'give and take'. If you don't think you're emanating a whole lot of emotions about your past, here, you'd be incorrect. Your inner core contains a lot of inconsistency in this area and a great deal of prejudice and irrationality. It permeates your posts discussing the subject matter, and it's a very heavy taint to try to overlook. That's partly why OA doesn't want to engage you in discussion, because your bias leaks out and is often projected onto her posts. It's annoying. And we only have words here to deal with that, and striking up a common ground with you would take a lot of time and energy on her part. You are worth it, ultimately as a fellow human being, but in this venue, it's harder to address.


Naturally this is almost certainly an overreaction, and INFPs should practice what they preach, and focus on improving their ability to respond to criticism with calm objectivity, rather than irrational accusations and weaponized guilt.

You know what's interesting about this? The only profile to contain the word "overreaction" (at least in the relationship section) is the INFP one. Does this mean that INFPs are the only types to overreact? Of course not, as all types have an area of sensitivity and thus the word is equally applicable to all, depending on the situation. Interesting though how INFPs are the ones who must become "calm" and "more objective". Can anyone here say "projection"? INFPs sure get a lot of garbage projected onto the type.

And idk, I think if I got any calmer irl I'd slip into a coma.
 

Poki

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I personally don't think and intj and an infp relationship would work simply on fact that INTJS are to detached in a way INFPs s enjoy to really make an INFP happy in a relationship. I realize it's a persons responsibility to be happy, but a part of that responsibility is finding the right people who they can attach to. In regard to this attachment, INTJs would have a better chance with attachment of ENFP, but that causes other issues. I believe this attachment that I NFPS crave is a huge part of them being happy in a relationship.
 

Poki

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Hello ESTJ :hi:

So you don't like my ingenuity? But I must appreciate yours...




So when [MENTION=6561]OrangeAppled[/MENTION], finally can let go of my INFP past in my life who she thinks is what I am talking about, the quicker she can pull her head out of the sand. To averting conflict is not what the INTJ needs.

What an INTJ needs is someone who can pull them out of there path and redirect them when it becomes fear based. They need someone who can take control and they trust. That's when you will see the weakness of an INTJ as if they just dropped all the armor in an "oops, we'll I thought". I have seen this alot with many INTJs. They need redirection, not aversion and to the path they go down, not conflict.

Aversion to conflict doesn't mean you back down, it just means you find a method that does not cause conflict. INTJs don't handle conflict worth crap in general, so you really do have to avoid conflict, but not avoid topic.
 

PeaceBaby

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I personally don't think and intj and an infp relationship would work simply on fact that INTJS are to detached in a way INFPs s enjoy to really make an INFP happy in a relationship. I realize it's a persons responsibility to be happy, but a part of that responsibility is finding the right people who they can attach to. In regard to this attachment, INTJs would have a better chance with attachment of ENFP, but that causes other issues. I believe this attachment that I NFPS crave is a huge part of them being happy in a relationship.

I think that's a fair assessment. In my interactions with INTJs, I feel the promise of connection and the sharp intimacy of that, and it's wonderful, but then the detachedness ..... INTJs seem so very far away. In the past, I've likened it to a string on a balloon that seems just out of reach, but if I stretch on tippie-toes, I can find the string and bring the connection back to me. It's like I don't realize that I can do this though. It can feel like the connection is more important to me than them, and that's likely not the reality, but over time, being the one doing the 'stretch up' would feel one-sided. I would feel somewhat forgotten and could see myself presenting as needy for attention.

I do feel a strong connection though, it's the promise of something that could be fulfilling but doesn't seem to materialize (at least the way I am hoping it will).
 
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Patrick

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I personally don't think and intj and an infp relationship would work. . . .
Except that in my case it has worked, for twenty-eight years of marriage, and counting.

I'm of the opinion that love is a whole lot more important in a relationship than compatibility. Compatibility makes things smoother and easier, but not necessarily better. People with more differences have more opportunities to learn from each other and grow in consciousness.

A perfectly compatible relationship (the "dual relation" in Socionics) is probably very pleasant, but it results in the two people taking each other for granted and holding back each other's personal growth. Each can rely on the other's strengths to compensate for any weaknesses, and that makes life easier--maybe too much easier.
 

Poki

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Except that in my case it has worked, for twenty-eight years of marriage, and counting.

I'm of the opinion that love is a whole lot more important in a relationship than compatibility. Compatibility makes things smoother and easier, but not necessarily better. People with more differences have more opportunities to learn from each other and grow in consciousness.

A perfectly compatible relationship (the "dual relation" in Socionics) is probably very pleasant, but it results in the two people taking each other for granted and holding back each other's personal growth. Each can rely on the other's strengths to compensate for any weaknesses, and that makes life easier--maybe too much easier.

I want more then works...actually what compatibility does is allow the couple to not focus effort on getting along, but focus effort in growth. Instead of figuring out how not to argue and fight, you can spend time growing in other areas. It's a personal preference, but I don't want to spend my time figuring out how to get along with my partner, but spend it growing and learning how to live. I am with someone I love and get along with really good, best of both worlds. We still have relationship issues, but they are small and short lived. We help each other grow, support each other, and have fun together. To me that's the goal of relationships, to many people now days push staying out of love because they got stuck with someone they were not compatible with and have to learn how to deal with it. Why not teach, find the right person?

Time means nothing other then your are either smart or stubborn. There are people who sit in a relationship until they die out of stubbornness. My parents have been married for over 35 years and I don't want their relationship happiness, I want more. I don't judge by what my parents do, I look at their happyness and judge on how happy vs unhappy they are.
 

Patrick

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What compatibility does is allow the couple to not focus effort on getting along, but focus effort in growth.
Theoretically. But in practice, compatibility makes life so cozy that the couple typically becomes complacent. Why "focus effort in growth" when you're deliriously happy half the time and contented the rest of the time?

Instead of figuring out how not to argue and fight, you can spend time growing in other areas.
My INTJ wife and I don't argue and fight--not much, anyway. We love each other and give each other a lot of space. The "growing" happens as a result of learning to understand each other, seeing another point of view. For example, I've learned that she's easily overwhelmed by multiplicity, so I rein in my auxiliary Ne; otherwise I'll start rattling off a string of options until she says, "Stop!" But when that happens, we both smile and enjoy the moment; we realize we're different but have learned something about each other. And love makes everything OK--wonderful even.

It's a personal preference, but I don't want to spend my time figuring out how to get along with my partner, but spend it growing and learning how to live. I am with someone I love and get along with really good, best of both worlds. We still have relationship issues, but they are small and short lived. We help each other grow, support each other, and have fun together.
That sounds great! Glad to hear it has worked out well for you.

I guess we're probably both right. Some people make too big a deal out of compatibility, but other people ignore it to their detriment. It is what it is; it has its place and can be important.
 

Poki

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Theoretically. But in practice, compatibility makes life so cozy that the couple typically becomes complacent. Why "focus effort in growth" when you're deliriously happy half the time and contented the rest of the time?


My INTJ wife and I don't argue and fight--not much, anyway. We love each other and give each other a lot of space. The "growing" happens as a result of learning to understand each other, seeing another point of view. For example, I've learned that she's easily overwhelmed by multiplicity, so I rein in my auxiliary Ne; otherwise I'll start rattling off a string of options until she says, "Stop!" But when that happens, we both smile and enjoy the moment; we realize we're different but have learned something about each other. And love makes everything OK--wonderful even.


That sounds great! Glad to hear it has worked out well for you.

I guess we're probably both right. Some people make too big a deal out of compatibility, but other people ignore it to their detriment. It is what it is; it has its place and can be important.

I have an idealist pull when it comes to relationships. Of course, individual ideal, not some general consensus ideal.
 
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