INTJ and INFP Relationships

[Sacrophagus]

Slightly different pairing, but a family friend is an ENFP married to an INTJ. They, sadly, do not have a great marriage. Their last kid just left home and she thought that that might help. Instead they find themselves in such different places. She used to love going out to parties and dancing and music and wanting to drag him along.

I noticed that.

Social butterfly ENFPs need a grounded and secure man. I caught a glimpse of some friends' insecurity as their ENFP gets the spotlight, showered by attention and admiration. Initially, it was the ENFP's extravagant outgoing spirit that drew the INTJ, little does the mind know, putting that bird in a golden cage will slowly kill it. Some ENFPs relinquish that gregarious freedom for the sake of conflict avoidance and become miserable.

Even if she wanted to become a clinomaniac and stay at home, I'd tell her "Hey. Since you love magic, I want you to vanish from my sight on the count of 3.", I'll take her as many times out to polish her flair for frenzy and mental illness unwarranted excitement. Unless she's feeling down, needs our privacy, wants to cuddle and savor some Häagen-Dazs ice-cream, as she's telling me about her feelings while I'm spacing out. Otherwise, I'll just kick her out for her own sake.

Jokes on me, I'll have to look at all of her snaps and demented pictures later.

 

[Snow as White]

I noticed that.

Social butterfly ENFPs need a grounded and secure man. I caught a glimpse of some friends' insecurity as their ENFP gets the spotlight, showered by attention and admiration. Initially, it was the ENFP's extravagant outgoing spirit that drew the INTJ, little does the mind know, putting that bird in a golden cage will slowly kill it. Some ENFPs relinquish that gregarious freedom for the sake of conflict avoidance and become miserable.

Even if she wanted to become a clinomaniac and stay at home, I'd tell her "Hey. Since you love magic, I want you to vanish from my sight on the count of 3.", I'll take her as many times out to polish her flair for frenzy and mental illness unwarranted excitement. Unless she's feeling down, needs our privacy, wants to cuddle and savor some Häagen-Dazs ice-cream, as she's telling me about her feelings while I'm spacing out. Otherwise, I'll just kick her out for her own sake.

Jokes on me, I'll have to look at all of her snaps and demented pictures later.

i lol'd.

a better pairing from what i have witnessed is ENFP-ENTJ. my bf's parents are this. his dad, ENTJ, typically works 80-100 hours a week and has done this for decades. he also has a lot of business trips. he knows that his wife and kids have made sacrifices for him to be, well, himself. so in return any moment he has free, whether it is an hour or a day, he just wants to spend with his wife and/or sons. he has also set up all of their financials to be solely in his wife's name. so their cars, homes, property, stocks, are just in her name. his thought is to give her as much security and freedom as she wants. she can work as little or as much as she wants to. she can take any trip she wants to see her family or friends or children. so while he can be intimidating af, he is one of the most generous people i have ever met. he loves fine food and wine and cheerfully shares his riches on special occasions. my bf thinks that his dad's proactive steps to make sure his wife felt safe/felt like an equal/felt free are what kept the marriage together since it is difficult to be married to someone like him (ENTJ).

as with everything, what i say can be taken with quite a bit of salt to taste. these are merely what i have witnessed.

(and yes joke is on you. ENTJ is constantly dealing with ENFP's need to illustrate every story (no matter how minor) with random pics she snapped even if they don't really relate to what's being discussed. )

 

[Sacrophagus]

i lol'd.

a better pairing from what i have witnessed is ENFP-ENTJ. my bf's parents are this. his dad, ENTJ, typically works 80-100 hours a week and has done this for decades. he also has a lot of business trips. he knows that his wife and kids have made sacrifices for him to be, well, himself. so in return any moment he has free, whether it is an hour or a day, he just wants to spend with his wife and/or sons. he has also set up all of their financials to be solely in his wife's name. so their cars, homes, property, stocks, are just in her name. his thought is to give her as much security and freedom as she wants. she can work as little or as much as she wants to. she can take any trip she wants to see her family or friends or children. so while he can be intimidating af, he is one of the most generous people i have ever met. he loves fine food and wine and cheerfully shares his riches on special occasions. my bf thinks that his dad's proactive steps to make sure his wife felt safe/felt like an equal/felt free are what kept the marriage together since it is difficult to be married to someone like him (ENTJ).

as with everything, what i say can be taken with quite a bit of salt to taste. these are merely what i have witnessed.

(and yes joke is on you. ENTJ is constantly dealing with ENFP's need to illustrate every story (no matter how minor) with random pics she snapped even if they don't really relate to what's being discussed. )

What you have witnessed is something I can relate to. One of the main reasons is providing freedom and security for our families and allowing them to indulge in the freedom of delectation. We do that with generosity for we have the confidence that we can provide more.

I would hate witnessing my wife losing herself in a mundance job that inhibits all of her creativity and roasts her merry-go-lucky character. I'd make a plan to allow the blossoming of her latent dreams and deploy all of my shrewdness and savoir-faire to meet that end.

When she's feeling good, and "sending good vibes" and all those annoyingly charming things through snaps and hearts and stuff, that makes me kind of happy too. Even if it makes me wonder why the fuck she'd be excited from nothing, "It's just a puppy", but whatever.

We do that for them, but we do that also for ourselves. I'd rather come home and find a handsy unicorn beaming with sunshine telling me about all of her cool stories and adventures, sharing with excitement the triumphs of some book character, than find a nagging pessimistic wife who hates the cosmos and thinks Neil deGrasse Tyson is a dumbfuck for making up a recipe for the universe :

 

[Snow as White]

What you have witnessed is something I can relate to. One of the main reasons is providing freedom and security for our families and allowing them to indulge in the freedom of delectation. We do that with generosity for we have the confidence that we can provide more.

I would hate witnessing my wife losing herself in a mundance job that inhibits all of her creativity and roasts her merry-go-lucky character. I'd make a plan to allow the blossoming of her latent dreams and deploy all of my shrewdness and savoir-faire to meet that end.

When she's feeling good, and "sending good vibes" and all those annoyingly charming things through snaps and hearts and stuff, that makes me kind of happy too. Even if it makes me wonder why the fuck she'd be excited from nothing, "It's just a puppy", but whatever.

We do that for them, but we do that also for ourselves. I'd rather come home and find a handsy unicorn beaming with sunshine telling me about all of her cool stories and adventures, sharing with excitement the triumphs of some book character, than find a nagging pessimistic wife who hates the cosmos and thinks Neil deGrasse Tyson is a dumbfuck for making up a recipe for the universe :

Oh, NDGT

Yes, that's a wonderful mindset to have and a freeing place you both have created for your spouses. She has her moments of worrying about the future and he's really good at being super calm about things with a "whatever gets thrown at us will be handled so why worry?" My bf does the same for me, inheriting this great trait from his dad. A sheer belief in oneself and being able to find a solution. Whereas I get bogged into wanting all the solutions for all possible problems right now. The WHATIF train can be powerful.

 

[Magnus]

If I knew for a fact that I was on a date with an INFP, I'd probably go for broke and go straight into heavy subjects like politics, religion and all that stuff to find out where she stands. No sense in going for a soft approach. If we come across deal breakers, we will know early on without wasting too much time.

 

[chubber]

If I knew for a fact that I was on a date with an INFP, I'd probably go for broke and go straight into heavy subjects like politics, religion and all that stuff to find out where she stands. No sense in going for a soft approach. If we come across deal breakers, we will know early on without wasting too much time.

You from Brazil?

 

[Magnus]

You from Brazil?

Nah, better: Texas.

 

[Coriolis]

Nah, better: Texas.

That is debatable.

 

[Dreamer]

If I knew for a fact that I was on a date with an INFP, I'd probably go for broke and go straight into heavy subjects like politics, religion and all that stuff to find out where she stands. No sense in going for a soft approach. If we come across deal breakers, we will know early on without wasting too much time.

Typically I'd hate this approach if used on me, but these days I'm finding any free time I have, more and more valuable so cutting straight to the chase may be a nice change up.

 

[Coriolis]

Typically I'd hate this approach if used on me, but these days I'm finding any free time I have, more and more valuable so cutting straight to the chase may be a nice change up.

I consider this good advice in any case. Why postpone the inevitable?

 

[Snow as White]

Typically I'd hate this approach if used on me, but these days I'm finding any free time I have, more and more valuable so cutting straight to the chase may be a nice change up.

It sounds so unromantic on paper... but i think in practice would actually be good.

at least i spent way too much time in my life spinning my wheels with people because i kept seeing the possibilities of what could be there, instead of honing down into what is actually here and what can be made from it?

sometimes the lego box really can only make a x-wing fighter and not the death star i hope for.

 

[Sacrophagus]

Typically I'd hate this approach if used on me, but these days I'm finding any free time I have, more and more valuable so cutting straight to the chase may be a nice change up.

You mean adopting an approach in caricature like this?

That would be ridiculous. I remember I once made a list of all the components I would want in the woman of my dreams, and I did met her, but I couldn't love her no matter how much I forced myself. I ended up breaking things off because that'd be unfair towards both of us. She was a sovereign, utterly elegant and a genius INTJ. I thought I was sapiosexual.
Later I met a confident and bubbly ENFP who was shrewd, artistic, poetic, ...etc, but not as ingenious and alert as the other INTJ. I ended up falling in love with her anyway.

And I don't even think it's typology related.

Upon maturity, one will discover that there are people we end up loving no matter what the differences are. And others amaze us when we give them a second chance once we start looking at them through a different and non judgmental prism.

 

[Dreamer]

It sounds so unromantic on paper... but i think in practice would actually be good.

at least i spent way too much time in my life spinning my wheels with people because i kept seeing the possibilities of what could be there, instead of honing down into what is actually here and what can be made from it?

sometimes the lego box really can only make a x-wing fighter and not the death star i hope for.

Yes, this was often, and still is on occasion, my issue with poor relationships, whether romantic or not. Once I gather "enough" of someone, I seem to form this image of them which then hangs around for me to see every time I hang out with them, and this image is often the fantasy I construct of our potential relationship and how they'd add to my life and such. I've been dipping more and more into reality as I mature and it's had the benefit so far, of helping me to set my sights on dreams that are a bit more realistic.

 

[Dreamer]

You mean adopting an approach in caricature like this?

That would be ridiculous. I remember I once made a list of all the components I would want in the woman of my dreams, and I did met her, but I couldn't love her no matter how much I forced myself. I ended up breaking things off because that'd be unfair towards both of us. She was a sovereign, utterly elegant and a genius INTJ. I thought I was sapiosexual.
Later I met a confident and bubbly ENFP who was shrewd, artistic, poetic, ...etc, but not as ingenious and alert as the other INTJ. I ended up falling in love with her anyway.

And I don't even think it's typology related.

Upon maturity, one will discover that there are people we end up loving no matter what the differences are. And others amaze us when we give them a second chance once we start looking at them through a different and non judgmental prism.

Loved hearing this story Sacrophagus...your name reminds me of Sesame...ah! Snufagulufus (What's with me and connecting INTJs to Sesame Street characters, I think of [MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION] of Big Bird...crap! That was a meteorite shot out of orbit...

But I do agree, we can speculate and daydream all we want of an idealized future, but how do we know for certain that is what we truly pine for?

Oh, and I'd be regressing if I actually approached people like that cartoon, though it DID make me honestly laugh. I used to interrupt people as a kid, when they spoke to me, and tell them, "I'm bored", and then I'd get up and leave or change the topic. Ya, I had a few obnoxious habits as a kid

 

[Coriolis]

I would be looking for the guy who answers with "Faraday" or somesuch, and can back up his answer. Oh, also looking for the cartoon equivalent where it's the guy who asks "Who is Tesla"? These stereotypes get even older than the type based ones.

 

[Sacrophagus]

Loved hearing this story Sacrophagus...your name reminds me of Sesame...ah! Snufagulufus (What's with me and connecting INTJs to Sesame Street characters

2nd Warning. As a token of my generosity, I will allow you to pick your coffin.


10 Most Expensive Caskets | Expenditure | SuccessStory

But I do agree, we can speculate and daydream all we want of an idealized future, but how do we know for certain that is what we truly pine for?

Agreed. Even through soul searching and a lot of experience, we start to receive internally but an excerpt of the map and trajectory of where we desire to go. And since the map is never the territory, we start discovering uncharted lands, expanding our map, and create a blueprint of that which we seek. The journey never stops.


One day, though, there will come a time your instincts will guide you, the search will cease, and the treasure you will find, you must claim as yours, and seize it without regrets.


You will own your shit.

I would be looking for the guy who answers with "Faraday" or somesuch, and can back up his answer. Oh, also looking for the cartoon equivalent where it's the guy who asks "Who is Tesla"? These stereotypes get even older than the type based ones.

If I chose a woman based on whether she can give me an explanation on why the Erdős–Gyárfás conjecture is true for planar claw-free graphs, and why not provide me with an answer to the Hadwiger–Nelson problem, I'd stay single for an eternity.
That would be ludicrous to base my choice upon such a criterion.

While I understand how it means to many INTJs finding someone with similar intellectual inclinations, something I was guilty of in the past, it is really narrowminded. I just keep that pedantic drivel to myself or summon it according to a relevant context, instead of allowing it to define heavy aspects of my relationships.

 

[Coriolis]

If I chose a woman based on whether she can give me an explanation on why the Erdős–Gyárfás conjecture is true for planar claw-free graphs, and why not provide me with an answer to the Hadwiger–Nelson problem, I'd stay single for an eternity.
That would be ludicrous to base my choice upon such a criterion.

While I understand how it means to many INTJs finding someone with similar intellectual inclinations, something I was guilty of in the past, it is really narrowminded. I just keep that pedantic drivel to myself or summon it according to a relevant context, instead of allowing it to define heavy aspects of my relationships.

If I applied this approach as narrowly and superficially as you describe, I'm sure I would still be single, too.

 

[LightSun]

The following information comes from Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey, 1998. The first book Please Understand Me was written by an NT, Professor David Keirsey and Bates and was a two million copy best seller. According to this resource the NF 'Idealist' has much less trouble with mates of their own temperament, and 'Idealists' often get along exceptionally well with mates of their own temperament. Two NF's can find deep felt satisfaction in sharing each other's inner world and exploring each other's personal development.

Additionally a choice of an 'Rational' mate seems to hold the best promise of success for 'Idealists.' The basis of their compatibility is that NF's and NT's live primarily in the world of abstract concepts -the world of theories and possibilities, of insights and symbols. Idealists take to Rationals as no other temperament.

 

[Coriolis]

The following information comes from Please Understand Me II by David Keirsey, 1998. The first book Please Understand Me was written by an NT, Professor David Keirsey and Bates and was a two million copy best seller. According to this resource the NF 'Idealist' has much less trouble with mates of their own temperament, and 'Idealists' often get along exceptionally well with mates of their own temperament. Two NF's can find deep felt satisfaction in sharing each other's inner world and exploring each other's personal development.

Additionally a choice of an 'Rational' mate seems to hold the best promise of success for 'Idealists.' The basis of their compatibility is that NF's and NT's live primarily in the world of abstract concepts -the world of theories and possibilities, of insights and symbols. Idealists take to Rationals as no other temperament.

But what do you personally think?

 

[LightSun]

But what do you personally think?

I hate to generalize Coriolis. There are numerous variables in character and temperament. This will hold true even though a person is an NF, there are too many factors. Speaking for myself I am an INFP. My wife was an ENFJ. We were cemented. I found her 'J' (more schedule orientated) compatible with my 'P' open ended go with the flow attitude. I could not for the life of me imagine being with someone who is an opposite. As an empathetic and sensitive individual I need clarity and not too much chaos in wildly variant beliefs and value system for a mate.

In addition I am an idealist and visionary though pragmatic and stoic. Additionally I am for deep discussions on abstract ideas and important questions of the day. I strive to share what I think, feel and believe in hopefully mutual plus beneficial conversations. I am not one for small talk or the superficial. And in addition I find the closest contacts among other intuitive's.