INTJ and INFJ Relationships

[Wunjo]

My first experience towards this was relatively easy.

But recently, I have been in discussion with another INTJ female which can lead to a relationship.

Parties:
INFJ 8 sx/sp.
INTJ 8 sp/sx.

Pros:
- Deep talk, creative ideas.
- Gorgeous sense of humour.
- Mutual respect towards boundaries and each other.
- Anticipating problems which can surface throughout possible future and talking about them or trying to solve them before they arise.
- Lots of mutual introspection.
- A mutual perspective about how fun experimenting on people can be.

Cons:
- Fights for control.
- Arguments and clashes related to the issue of control or personal facts.
- Both parties assert their independence in a domineering method, paving way to potential conflict.
- If instictive controlling tendencies and explosive anger are left unchecked, shitstorms happen.
- Pushing buttons and responding with simulated anger to keep each other in line.

Potential solution(s):
- Diplomacy.
- Mediation.
- Renunciating the fight for control mutually through the establishment of a sense of mutual trust.
- Cooperation.
- Leaps of faith, not for each other per se, yet, but for the seperate existence of parties themselves.
- Understanding.

 

[ceecee]

The INTJ and INFJ are very compatible and their relationship has the potential for a solid partnership built on similar perspectives and attitudes. INTJs share INFJs interest in connecting the dots with a focus on the underlying significance of things. But where the INFJ is fixated with the personal (Fe), the INTJ attends to the impersonal (Te). This dynamic is likely to be beneficial in a complementary way with each side compensating for areas in which the other lacks. INFJ in particular can provide some of the warmth and affection that INTJs appreciate but have trouble expressing.

INTJ and INFJ essentially understand one another and they speak a similar language. They have a vision of the future and they spend quality time together ruminating on the meaning of things and what they may represent for the big picture. INFJs are often very concerned with society at large and various social issues and they may become anxious over what they hear in the news. They pick up on the trends and patterns and become either depressed or encouraged by what it indicates to them. INTJs share a similar concern and they both have ideas about the way things ought to be in the world but unfortunately are not. This however, is what motivates them to go out and make an impact and they both work hard towards this end and they likely will be very sympathetic and supportive of one another’s crusades. These two will love cloistering themselves off from the rest of the world much of the time where they can just be introverts together.

I would generally agree with this, even though I have an ENFJ but he's low on the extroversion. Definitely visions for the future, big picture, supportive of each others' different "crusades". We were fishing tonight and I think we said less than 10 words in 3 hrs and it's great. I think he likes that I don't like games, I'm as straightforward as humanly possibly and don't need a lot of maintenance. I'm also a good listener, understand I/ENFJ's need to vent (I didn't know this for awhile - I assumed everyone with a problem is looking for a solution) and I would say nurturing (which I think is a more common thing than people think).

 

[Madboot]

My wife is an INFJ, and we have been married for fourteen years. There were some communication issues early on. Mostly it was me being unaware how my observations could hurt her feelings. But we've always maintained open communication in our relationship and she helped me see how critical I could sometime be. On the other hand I've helped her to stop reading extra layers of meaning into what I, and others, say. We've always made it a point to discuss things and not get into arguments. Other than a few miscommunications over the years, our relationship has been incredible. I can't imagine a better match for me. Some say the combination of INTJ and INFJ would be boring and reclusive, or lack passion. I can tell you that is far from the truth. I do agree however that people in this combination need to be emotionally mature for it work. But then again that should be true of any relationship.

 

[Forever_Jung]

I could see it, as was pointed out earlier in the thread, when both types are a bit older. Perhaps the INTJ has "conquered the world", so to speak, but has yet to find satisfaction in love. And the INFJ is more in the Ti stage of life, and is starting to think more in terms of career success. They meet in the middle, and take on the world together.

That's not to say the types couldn't work while younger, I just find that opposite types have more appeal when you're young.

 

[Madboot]

My wife and I were both 21 when we met. I think I emotionally matured a little earlier than most INTJ's though. And we just hit it off immediately. She had just gone through some tough personal issues before meeting me though, and had had something of personal/spiritual awakening. She started paying attention a lot more to what she wanted in life, and not so much what others thought she should want. I just happened to be lucky enough to show up when I did.

 

[Darlene]

My wife is an INFJ, and we have been married for fourteen years. There were some communication issues early on. Mostly it was me being unaware how my observations could hurt her feelings. But we've always maintained open communication in our relationship and she helped me see how critical I could sometime be. On the other hand I've helped her to stop reading extra layers of meaning into what I, and others, say. We've always made it a point to discuss things and not get into arguments. Other than a few miscommunications over the years, our relationship has been incredible. I can't imagine a better match for me. Some say the combination of INTJ and INFJ would be boring and reclusive, or lack passion. I can tell you that is far from the truth. I do agree however that people in this combination need to be emotionally mature for it work. But then again that should be true of any relationship.

That was beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your experience.

 

[Madboot]

That was beautifully written. Thanks for sharing your experience.

You are very welcome. Sharing is another thing she has helped me with. I am still a reserved person, but not as much as I used to be.

 

[natalia93]

My languages are words of affirmation and physical affection. We should do some kind of survey to look at the correlation. It might be interesting.

An INTJ who shows love by words of affirmation and physical affection? Am I reading this right? I was under the impression these were the opposite of what INTJ's would use to express love. My boyfriend is an INTJ and affirmation is the last thing he would ever give. He believes words are meaningless and refuses to express feelings in words or receive expressions of feeling in this form. IN FACT, he actually uses insults as his form of compliment... he is also satirical to the point of being completely misinterpreted most of the time.

Also, I'd love to see that study happen. Sounds interesting!


EDIT: I did read previous posts and saw how you said these traits are less common in INTJs. It still perplexes me though.

 

[natalia93]

I've seen this said on this forum before and now I know it's true first-hand.

INTJs are hard on the outside, soft on the inside. INFJs are soft on the outside, hard on the inside. I'm a little disturbed and in awe of this realization while up-close and personal.

I agree with the INTJ part, but am curious what evidence you have seen that suggests INFJs are hard on the inside? Could you describe this more, I'm interested in your observations. I want to see if it rings true for me personally.

 

[highlander]

An INTJ who shows love by words of affirmation and physical affection? Am I reading this right? I was under the impression these were the opposite of what INTJ's would use to express love. My boyfriend is an INTJ and affirmation is the last thing he would ever give. He believes words are meaningless and refuses to express feelings in words or receive expressions of feeling in this form. IN FACT, he actually uses insults as his form of compliment... he is also satirical to the point of being completely misinterpreted most of the time.

Also, I'd love to see that study happen. Sounds interesting!


EDIT: I did read previous posts and saw how you said these traits are less common in INTJs. It still perplexes me though.

That's just me. I'm probably not a typical INTJ. But yes. Love language is words for sure. Cuddling after sex is important. I'm not typical.

 

[Coriolis]

That's just me. I'm probably not a typical INTJ. But yes. Love language is words for sure. Cuddling after sex is important. I'm not typical.

Not sure what is supposed to be typical for INTJ. Mine are quality time and acts of service.

 

[natalia93]

Not sure what is supposed to be typical for INTJ. Mine are quality time and acts of service.

That is what I believe is typical for INTJ; especially acts of service for showing you care. Not that I'm an expert, but this is very descriptive of INTJ from my experience and research.

So question for you, [MENTION=9811]Coriolis[/MENTION], do you think words of affection or verbal expression of feelings in any manner are relatively pointless? Perhaps not pointless, but difficult for you to express because you don't feel they are a genuine form of expression? If not, could you describe your thoughts on the subject?

Not to single you out, any INTJ can answer this, I'm just curious in your case because you do follow the love language that I believe is more representative of INTJs (and certainly the one in my life).

 

[Sacrophagus]

An INTJ who shows love by words of affirmation and physical affection?

Also, I'd love to see that study happen. Sounds interesting!

Before words are even uttered, if you captured my attention and I like you, they are needless.
Nothing can affirm how much I am attracted to you more than the way I'm walking towards you, to the certain sound of my steps, and now, all attention in the room is on you, as I'm coming to claim you as mine, as if only you and I existed in that moment, and your eyes are filled with anxious and ecstatic anticipation, your heart is throbbing with exaltation, aching for relief, waiting for the moment I will seize your hand, and take you away to extinguish the blaze of that all seven seas cannot.

Now, if I decide to speak, you're in trouble.

IN FACT, he actually uses insults as his form of compliment... he is also satirical to the point of being completely misinterpreted most of the time.

And after you cherish the words I told you, your face is all bashful, your smile is all reticent, your expression is all dreamy, this is when I tell you "For god's sake, don't tell me you believed the crap I just said. Bloody idiot.", and I'll probably make fun of your dress and leave.

 

[natalia93]

Before words are even uttered, if you captured my attention and I like you, they are needless.
Nothing can affirm how much I am attracted to you more than the way I'm walking towards you, to the certain sound of my steps, and now, all attention in the room is on you, as I'm coming to claim you as mine, as if only you and I existed in that moment, and your eyes are filled with anxious and ecstatic anticipation, your heart is throbbing with exaltation, aching for relief, waiting for the moment I will seize your hand, and take you away to extinguish the blaze of that all seven seas cannot.

Now, if I decide to speak, you're in trouble.




And after you cherish the words I told you, your face is all bashful, your smile is all reticent, your expression is all dreamy, this is when I tell you "For god's sake, don't tell me you believed the crap I just said. Bloody idiot.", and I'll probably make fun of your dress and leave.

[MENTION=34448]Sacrophagus[/MENTION] I just laughed so hard at the last part. Ironically, this post is leaving me just as confused and uncertain of the actual meaning as what I experience with my boyfriend (except I don't know you, so it's even more difficult)

In order to firmly understand what you are saying here and dispel the likely misconstrued interpretations that are forming in question of my more likely accurate interpretation, could you spell the complete meaning out to me like I'm an idiot? I'm assuming hyperbole on the first part and truth of action on the second.

Also, is it just me that finds the hyper-satirical and hyperbolic nature of some INTJ's form of communication comical? It seems so incongruent to the supposedly 'direct' nature of the INTJ and leads to SO much more misinterpretation by those of us who don't have experience with this language. Sometimes the satire is obvious, but there are also more subtle forms that I don't pick up on and 90% of the time I'm not sure what is actually being said.

Do INTJs hate the rest of us for not understanding? My hope is that they can appreciate those of us who are patient enough to try and decipher their unique communication and personality in general!

 

[highlander]

Not sure what is supposed to be typical for INTJ. Mine are quality time and acts of service.

Type And Love Languages - Typology Wiki

You are more typical for an INTJ as the chart illustrates.

 

[Coriolis]

[MENTION=34448]Sacrophagus[/MENTION] I just laughed so hard at the last part. Ironically, this post is leaving me just as confused and uncertain of the actual meaning as what I experience with my boyfriend (except I don't know you, so it's even more difficult)

If an INTJ truly cares about you, he will not toy with you in this way. He may banter sarcastically if he knows you are up for it, though of course may miscalculate. If you fall for the sort of behavior sacrophagus described and don't tell him off instead, you are probably not the sort of person an INTJ would probably care about that way.

I will answer your other question later when less pressed for time.

 

[natalia93]

If an INTJ truly cares about you, he will not toy with you in this way. He may banter sarcastically if he knows you are up for it, though of course may miscalculate. If you fall for the sort of behavior sacrophagus described and don't tell him off instead, you are probably not the sort of person an INTJ would probably care about that way.

I will answer your other question later when less pressed for time.

I appreciate your willingness to answer my questions and look forward to your response.
I would like to clarify that my boyfriend would never say something nice, then tell me I'm an idiot for believing it. More likely, he would say things opposite of what he actually thinks or feels in a clearly joking manner. Of course there are times the satire goes above my head, as I mentioned, but he has been very good at trying to make his feelings more clear to me in ways that avoid verbal affection.

Additionally, I did tell him off for it early on. He used to think it was funny to overreact to mistakes I made and as a sensitive person I couldn't handle it. He didn't even realize that it didn't come off as a joke (this is a real struggle for him in so many ways). For the most part, when I tell him how something comes off to me or makes me feel he adjusts his behavior to the best of his ability. That was one thing that would have ended any interest real quick if he had continued it.

It is likely noteworthy that I have a rather intense struggle with self esteem, which comes out a lot in this relationship. He doesn't understand it, but has tolerated it so far.

 

[natalia93]

The Complete Guide to INFJ & INTJ Relationships - Personality Type and Personal Growth | Personality Hacker
This article makes me feel more optimistic about the INTJ/INFJ relationship. The Te/Fi vs Fe/Ti can definitely make things challenging, but it is good to have some external validation that the combination isn't absurd.

 

[rav3n]

IMO, I think it would work for you specifically, highlander. You value softness and intelligence in women where an INFJ can provide both to their loved ones. It's a matter of finding the right fit. Beware though. INFJs can be swayed by public (external social) opinion so loyalty isn't their highest priority.

 

[Madboot]

Physical touch and words of affirmation are my preferred love languages.