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  1. #1
    Member LillyRoar's Avatar
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    Default “Sexts” from an ENFP

    I’ve been talking/flirting with an ENFP guy for a couple of months. Everything done via texts because of the pandemic. I’ve noticed he REALLY likes to do sexting. He likes to “explain” or in detail describe for me what he wants to do with me. It seems like he really enjoys to paint the picture for me with words. It’s not gross. But it’s just... too much. For me. Especially when he expects me to return the favor.

    I’m not interested in that and when I let him know I don’t enjoy it as much as he does he seems to take great offense. Like I’ve just insulted him or criticized a novel he’s been working on for a long time.

    Do ENFPs love to share this stuff with their “love interest”? Is it a way of bonding for you guys?

  2. #2
    Senior Member GoggleGirl17's Avatar
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    You are free to respond to his approach however you want, since you are both equal participants in the overall exchange. You have just as much power to influence how the conversation goes, and you don't have to reciprocate by mimicking his particular style. That's who he is, not you. Instead of rejecting everything he is putting out there, though, maybe take just a piece of it, and then give him something else to work with. This way, he will then have to readjust to your communication style as well, as he learns how you prefer to respond without getting insulted.
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  3. #3
    To the waters of the wild Siúil a Rún's Avatar
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    He probably has ego investment in his sexting. Probably has worked to develop the skill and treats it a little like a performance. While you do have a right to respond however, it will likely feel a bit invalidating if you don't like it and say that. People often try to have some specific way they feel they can establish being 'sexy'. It's always a little vulnerable to put yourself out there, so people tend to be a little defensive. If you want to continue a connection, but don't like the sexting, I'd probably focus on saying it's hard to keep up or something so he isn't embarrassed.
    I wish I was on yonder hill 'tis there I'd sit and cry my fill, And every tear would turn a mill, Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.
    I'll sell my rock, I'll sell my reel, I'll sell my only spinning wheel, To buy my love a sword of steel Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.
    I wish, I wish, I wish in vain, I wish I had my heart again, And vainly think I'd not complain, Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.
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  4. #4
    ϚᗩᑎᑕTᑌᗩᖇY Luminous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LillyRoar View Post
    Do ENFPs love to share this stuff with their “love interest”? Is it a way of bonding for you guys?
    Pretend you're asking all these questions about in-person sex and perhaps it'll be more clear for you. Because he's likely approaching this exactly the way he'd approach that and of course he's hurt by your rejection because you're rejecting a part of him, along with something he wants to share with you which is likely a reflection of how he feels about you.
    Be e..x..c..e..l..l..e..n..t to each other.
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  5. #5
    You are Free. Earl Grey's Avatar
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    A guy is getting angry and offended his sexual advances aren't reciprocated the way he wants... That's rather childish and dangerous. "How dare you not like me to use you as a prop in my fantasies," - at least it reeks that way to me. And expecting you to return the favour??? You've already told him you don't like it. That should be enough.

    He has to learn to play nice. If you do let him down easy, there's no telling he wouldn't do it again or learn that this behaviour is unacceptable. If he can't handle rejection he's not ready to play the game. It is unfair for you to bear the brunt of his emotional reactions without him caring for yours (and it seems that he obviously doesn't care that you're not into this).


    And on your question- I don't think it's type centric, but various types will like it for various reasons. That doesn't mean he'll get to force his way of showing affection if it comes at your cost, or god forbid, discomforts or harms you. People like saying "But it means s/he loves you!" and my response is that if they really do, they will care that it actually makes you happy, not force it on you.
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  6. #6
    MayDay Coriolis's Avatar
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    Good grief. Not every approach to relationships will work with every potential partner, and that's OK. If @LillyRoar doesn't like the kind of sexting this ENFP is doing, nothing obliges her to accommodate it. Of course, nothing obliges the ENFP to cease and desist or switch gears, either, until the relationship is ended. This may just be a case of incompatibility. If so, the sooner both parties realize it, the better. By telling him plainly but courteously that she doesn't care for it and doesn't want it to be a feature of their interaction, LillyRoar is doing them both a favor. She is not responsible for his emotions or his ego. If he is invested in this over-sexting approach to the point that he takes personal offense when someone else does not share his enthusiasm for it, that is something he needs to address about himself.
    Let us go together to that Sea of Stars.
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  7. #7
    ϚᗩᑎᑕTᑌᗩᖇY Luminous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by LillyRoar View Post
    I’ve been talking/flirting with an ENFP guy for a couple of months. Everything done via texts because of the pandemic. I’ve noticed he REALLY likes to do sexting. He likes to “explain” or in detail describe for me what he wants to do with me. It seems like he really enjoys to paint the picture for me with words. It’s not gross. But it’s just... too much. For me. Especially when he expects me to return the favor.

    I’m not interested in that and when I let him know I don’t enjoy it as much as he does he seems to take great offense. Like I’ve just insulted him or criticized a novel he’s been working on for a long time.

    Do ENFPs love to share this stuff with their “love interest”? Is it a way of bonding for you guys?
    Quote Originally Posted by Earl Grey View Post
    A guy is getting angry and offended his sexual advances aren't reciprocated the way he wants... That's rather childish and dangerous. "How dare you not like me to use you as a prop in my fantasies," - at least it reeks that way to me. And expecting you to return the favour??? You've already told him you don't like it. That should be enough.

    He has to learn to play nice. If you do let him down easy, there's no telling he wouldn't do it again or learn that this behaviour is unacceptable. If he can't handle rejection he's not ready to play the game. It is unfair for you to bear the brunt of his emotional reactions without him caring for yours (and it seems that he obviously doesn't care that you're not into this).

    And on your question- I don't think it's type centric, but various types will like it for various reasons. That doesn't mean he'll get to force his way of showing affection if it comes at your cost, or god forbid, discomforts or harms you. People like saying "But it means s/he loves you!" and my response is that if they really do, they will care that it actually makes you happy, not force it on you.
    I think you're reading a lot into this post that isn't there. Is he angry or is he hurt? There's a hell of a difference.

    The idea that letting him down easy, if the case is that he is hurt because she is his love interest and they have established that sort of relationship and now she is rejecting this form of love in what seems to be an insulting way, is going to make him into some degenerate is way off. There's nothing here that says his behavior IS unacceptable. It looks like it just isn't her taste. There's a massive difference between having differences in taste and purposely disrespecting someone else's boundaries. It may not be obvious to him that her tastes are so different when they are communicating through text and aren't seeing each other, or hearing tone of voice, etc.

    Quote Originally Posted by Coriolis View Post
    Good grief. Not every approach to relationships will work with every potential partner, and that's OK. If @LillyRoar doesn't like the kind of sexting this ENFP is doing, nothing obliges her to accommodate it. Of course, nothing obliges the ENFP to cease and desist or switch gears, either, until the relationship is ended. This may just be a case of incompatibility. If so, the sooner both parties realize it, the better. By telling him plainly but courteously that she doesn't care for it and doesn't want it to be a feature of their interaction, LillyRoar is doing them both a favor. She is not responsible for his emotions or his ego. If he is invested in this over-sexting approach to the point that he takes personal offense when someone else does not share his enthusiasm for it, that is something he needs to address about himself.
    You and Earl seem far too quick to be vilifying this person. Was he told clearly that she isn't interested in sex? Or does it seem like a normal thing, with them flirting and being each others love interests? It's not like this is a coworker or some stranger. She isn't responsible for his feelings, no, but she IS responsible for how she treats this man who is supposed to be her love interest, and in that scenario, you'd think that maybe she'd care about not hurting his feelings.

    Just because you don't understand people wanting, enjoying, and bonding through sex doesn't mean this man is "over-sexting" and it could be completely normal for him to be hurt and offended by being led on and then coldly rejected, if that is the case. Clearly, we don't know all details here. But as someone who shares a similar type to ENFP, I would be hurt if my love interest flirted and led me to think they were interested in that sort of interaction only to then insult me and act as if they don't understand how/why it's important to me.
    Be e..x..c..e..l..l..e..n..t to each other.

  8. #8
    To the waters of the wild Siúil a Rún's Avatar
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    The question of how to respond comes down to whether or not you want a relationship with this person. If you want a relationship and they are offering their intimacy through sexting, then being rude and rejecting of it will damage the connection. There are gentler ways to discuss the issue and find common ground, but it has to be respectful and willing to budge a smidge. Of course the individual in the OP has a right to choose or reject the relationship, but if you want reciprocity, it does not work to require everything on your own terms and leave the potential partner humiliated and rejected for not living up to your desires and doing everything as you wish. Connection requires accommodation, it requires some empathy to consider how the other person is feeling and to actually care about those feelings. If a person doesn't care about connection and wants to established everything to meet their requirements, then a good ol' text smack-down is the way to go if you don't want the person to risk vulnerability and connection ever again. If you want a relationship then sometimes you go outside your comfort zone to do stuff to please the other person and sometimes they go outside their comfort zone to do stuff to please you. If those comfort zones are too far apart, then the relationship lacks compatibility, but no meaningful relationship has absolute compatibility. You actually have to accommodate sometimes if you want connection. If you want control, then smack-downs are the way to go whenever someone's behavior is not serving your needs and living up to your requirements.
    I wish I was on yonder hill 'tis there I'd sit and cry my fill, And every tear would turn a mill, Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.
    I'll sell my rock, I'll sell my reel, I'll sell my only spinning wheel, To buy my love a sword of steel Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.
    I wish, I wish, I wish in vain, I wish I had my heart again, And vainly think I'd not complain, Iss guh day thoo avorneen slawn.
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  9. #9
    MayDay Coriolis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luminous View Post
    I think you're reading a lot into this post that isn't there. Is he angry or is he hurt? There's a hell of a difference.

    The idea that letting him down easy, if the case is that he is hurt because she is his love interest and they have established that sort of relationship and now she is rejecting this form of love in what seems to be an insulting way, is going to make him into some degenerate is way off. There's nothing here that says his behavior IS unacceptable. It looks like it just isn't her taste. There's a massive difference between having differences in taste and purposely disrespecting someone else's boundaries. It may not be obvious to him that her tastes are so different when they are communicating through text and aren't seeing each other, or hearing tone of voice, etc.


    You and Earl seem far too quick to be vilifying this person. Was he told clearly that she isn't interested in sex? Or does it seem like a normal thing, with them flirting and being each others love interests? It's not like this is a coworker or some stranger. She isn't responsible for his feelings, no, but she IS responsible for how she treats this man who is supposed to be her love interest, and in that scenario, you'd think that maybe she'd care about not hurting his feelings.

    Just because you don't understand people wanting, enjoying, and bonding through sex doesn't mean this man is "over-sexting" and it could be completely normal for him to be hurt and offended by being led on and then coldly rejected, if that is the case. Clearly, we don't know all details here. But as someone who shares a similar type to ENFP, I would be hurt if my love interest flirted and led me to think they were interested in that sort of interaction only to then insult me and act as if they don't understand how/why it's important to me.
    You may be assuming that this relationship is more serious than it is. "Talking/flirting" still seems like an early stage of a relationship, and therefore not that serious or committed. I called it "over-sexting" based on LillyRoar's comment, "But it’s just... too much. For me. Especially when he expects me to return the favor." My own perspective on sex is irrelevant. In any case, the point I was making is exactly the highlighted: their romantic tastes may just be incompatible. That is OK and doesn't imply there is anything wrong with either of them. In my view, the sooner they figure that out the better, so they can recalibrate their expectations and if necessary, move on. Being mindful of someone else's feelings does not require that you continue to tolerate behavior that makes you uncomfortable, or refrain from expressing that it does. I do not believe anything in my earlier post suggested it was necessary to be unkind in order to make this point.

    Quote Originally Posted by Siúil a Rún View Post
    The question of how to respond comes down to whether or not you want a relationship with this person. If you want a relationship and they are offering their intimacy through sexting, then being rude and rejecting of it will damage the connection. There are gentler ways to discuss the issue and find common ground, but it has to be respectful and willing to budge a smidge. Of course the individual in the OP has a right to choose or reject the relationship, but if you want reciprocity, it does not work to require everything on your own terms and leave the potential partner humiliated and rejected for not living up to your desires and doing everything as you wish. Connection requires accommodation, it requires some empathy to consider how the other person is feeling and to actually care about those feelings. If a person doesn't care about connection and wants to established everything to meet their requirements, then a good ol' text smack-down is the way to go if you don't want the person to risk vulnerability and connection ever again. If you want a relationship then sometimes you go outside your comfort zone to do stuff to please the other person and sometimes they go outside their comfort zone to do stuff to please you. If those comfort zones are too far apart, then the relationship lacks compatibility, but no meaningful relationship has absolute compatibility. You actually have to accommodate sometimes if you want connection. If you want control, then smack-downs are the way to go whenever someone's behavior is not serving your needs and living up to your requirements.
    The question of how to respond comes down to how much accommodation one is willing to make just to have a relationship. Taken to an extreme, this manifests as enduring various forms of abuse just to remain in a relationship. Clearly this case isn't abusive, but it is up to the OP whether the constant sexting and expectations of reciprocity are more than she is willing to accommodate. It sounds like she already has tried to discuss this with him and come to some accommodation, and he "seems to take great offense". If he is unwilling even to acknowledge and be open to her perspective, that is an even bigger problem than the sexting itself.
    Let us go together to that Sea of Stars.
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  10. #10
    You are Free. Earl Grey's Avatar
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    EDIT: Spoilered because this is more a response that explains my POV and where I'm coming from than a response to LilyRoar's OP.

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