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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    Unhappy ENFJ in love with INTJ - HELP!!

    So here's my deeply personal and deeply messed up situation: I started to fall in love with my INTJ friend when I was engaged to another man. It happened gradually and genuinely confused me at the time, but out of loyalty and respect to my ISFP partner I ignored my feelings and married him as planned. Right before I did, I found out my fiancee cheated on me at his bachelor party. I married him anyway... the money was spent, he promised me we would go to therapy, and I still felt a deep obligation to the commitment and our history. The next year and a half of marriage have been horrible for me. The shattered foundation of trust led to spiraling into a deep depression that led to therapy and anti-depressants. Our marriage started collapsing into itself (slowly) since day one of marriage. That said, my love for my friend has just grown stronger. I have fallen so deeply for him (INTJ) that I sometimes imagine myself raising his children. He doesn't know this. A few months ago after a particularly bad fight with my husband, I asked my friend if he's ever been attracted to me. I told him I needed to hear him say no so I could move on. He said no and I did my best to accept it as truth. Recently he approached me via text regarding his attraction for me and that he has "wanted me ever since he knew I wanted him". He said and did so many things to make me think otherwise prior to this, but I have always known deep down that it wasn't true. After some very vulnerable exchanges over messaging my INTJ friend came back and said he has decided that he never sees us together but that we could be best friends. We have "sexual attraction, a great friendship" but that the "romantic" part is missing. Every time we talk about it, my heart hurts and I cry. But I am still in love with him. I know that I should continue with therapy and trying to make my marriage work, but I dream about my friend constantly and I know that out of all the people I have ever met- I have ever loved anybody as much as I love him. I literally can't think straight about what to do. Help me!!

  2. #2

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    First of all, I am so sorry to hear that you are stuck in such a painful place. The pain of feeling unwanted can be too much to bear, and it sounds like you have experienced that in one way or another from both directions.

    I won't tell you what to do, but I think it's important to acknowledge that cheating is never okay and no one deserves to have their innards gutted that way. Cheating is an entirely selfish decision and it simply isn't fair to destroy others that you claim to love for a moment (or multiple moments) of instant gratification. It's cowardly and gross. With that said... I do think it's possible to overcome in certain situations if your partner is sincerely overcome with guilt, regret, and grief over the loss of trust and intimacy that they caused. It takes an extreme amount of honesty, both with oneself and the other, as well as a sort of humble loyalty/dedication/commitment to even begin to work through something so excruciatingly painful. Your partner should be in as much pain as you during this process, and if they are not, then they aren't being truly understanding of what they've done to you. It takes a big person to be able to take responsibility for such an egregious act.

    Perhaps your partner is up for that, perhaps not. I think only you can identify that reality. You are in the driver's seat here... please do not forget that.

    As for the other man, I am sorry to tell you, but you deserve more there. It sounds like he's been very clear about what he can offer you, and it isn't much. It certainly wouldn't be worth further heartache and sacrificing your mental and emotional well-being as a trade-off for brief intimate contact and a painful sense of longing (which you may currently be mistaking for love).

    Love is a verb. You deserve actions that align with claimed intentions.

  3. #3
    Member Cupcakemonster's Avatar
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    @Dollface you don't seem like you're very active on here, so idk if you'll see this post but I'll try to offer some advice nonetheless.

    Firstly, this is easier said than done but I think you need to let your INTJ friend go. Maybe both emotionally & physically. Does he offer a lot friendship wise besides your feelings & longing for him? Do you think you can sustain a healthy friendship with him without further worsening your emotions & emotional wellbeing? It seems like he's been pretty straight up about not seeing you as a potential partner, & I'm very sorry. I think it was very strong of you to be able to admit & talk about your feelings with him though. It seems like the only thing he's offering you is a friendship or a possible friends with benefits situation, which would definitely only make you feel worse imo. I think putting some distance between you & him would be a good idea. Do you have many other friends that you can rely on, talk to, hangout with, etc.? Unless you'd fall apart more without your INTJ friend I think very minimal contact for a good 6 months could be good for you.

    As far as the ISFP husband. Do you think he would cheat again? Does he often give you reason not to trust him? Did he offer any explanation on why he cheated? I think the most important thing is that you need to realize that the fact that he cheated is not a reflection of you. It doesn't mean you're not good enough, not worthy of love, not attractive enough, that you're unwanted... it doesn't mean any of that! It means that he was human & did something stupid. A big something stupid, but it's not your fault.

    It's really up to you if you think you're relationship is worth it. There's definitely no reason to keep yourself stuck in situations that cause you lots of stress, anxiety, or depression. idk what you're man is like besides this situation, so I can't really offer more. I would assume if you got engaged in the first place their were lots of qualities you liked about him? If you 2 have a lot of similar interests, maybe take up a hobby or class or something that you 2 can do together?

    Most of all- Are you willing to truly forgive him? Can you stay in the positions you're in & still have peace of mind? & Can you let go of any negative self thoughts you might have about yourself pertaining to these situations?

    I hope I've at least provided some type of guidance for you, if you read this. I really hope things get better for you!
    In my defense I was left unsupervised
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