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[sx] Sexual / Intimate First Support Group

Luminous

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Iᑎᖴᑭ
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952
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sx/sp

Luminous

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Do y'all find intense eye contact with certain people to be quite wonderful?
 

Dreamer

Potential is My Addiction
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This thread has been interesting for me to follow here and there, and really, the Sx dom world seems so foreign to me. I mean, sure, I do idealize that perfect relationship with someone and do like getting to new depths with other people, but I don’t have what you describe as having a sort of “need” like you constantly bounce around seeking to have that fulfilled. Just to be clear, there’s absolutely no implication in my words to suggest I think the viewpoints here are wrong in any way, just different, and I do find that fascinating.

So, a question to all of you, regarding this need or desire to fill your glass of intense connection with others, 1) do you have a sense or feeling of just how large that glass is, for you? And 2) What might you suppose the implications are, of pursuing such fulfillment from others, for as long as you were aware of this particular need? Is it exhaustive? Unsatisfying?
 

Peter Deadpan

phallus impudicus
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Luminous

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So, a question to all of you, regarding this need or desire to fill your glass of intense connection with others, 1) do you have a sense or feeling of just how large that glass is, for you? And 2) What might you suppose the implications are, of pursuing such fulfillment from others, for as long as you were aware of this particular need? Is it exhaustive? Unsatisfying?

1) I've never thought about it quite that way. I guess I'd say it depends on what you're putting in the glass... who the interactions are with, the quality, the depth. I've certainly felt satisfied before. But, overall in my life, I am more often unsatisfied. And some satisfying interactions just increase the intensity of the need; feed the hunger. I think for myself it boils down to having reliable quality time with certain people on a regular basis.

2) Do you mean implications to myself or others? I have a difficult time getting out and meeting people in general, in person especially. And as I said, I don't naturally initiate (though I think I'm becoming more extroverted), so I feel frustration. A lack of the kind of connections I would like tends to leave me feeling depressed.

As far as others go, there are only a few, a number that could be counted on one hand, who I believe ever felt I was being "too much" or "overwhelming". And I think they may have thought that because before that, they just didn't realize how much emotion there was inside of me. Sometimes I take for granted that something isn't obvious to other people. For instance, if I tell someone something good about themselves, and they react with Really? I feel surprised. Or if I feel an intense attraction toward someone, I assume at a gut level that everyone must be attracted to that person because their attractiveness is just so completely obvious and magnetic to me.
 

Peter Deadpan

phallus impudicus
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Do y'all find intense eye contact with certain people to be quite wonderful?

I avoid eye contact overall (subconsciously), but I do this when I want to challenge someone, as in I will lock on for a strategic number of seconds intensely but in a sort of... unreadable (?) way, and then look away and act like nothing ever happened. I do it to throw people off for my own sick amusement and see what kind of reaction I get. It's always men. If I am locking on to a woman, I probably have serious beef with her, but I have only done that a couple of times as a silent way of calling people out on their shittiness.

Lol?
 

The Cat

Just a Cat who hangs out at the Crossroads
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I avoid eye contact overall (subconsciously), but I do this when I want to challenge someone, as in I will lock on for a strategic number of seconds intensely but in a sort of... unreadable (?) way, and then look away and act like nothing ever happened. I do it to throw people off for my own sick amusement and see what kind of reaction I get. It's always men. If I am locking on to a woman, I probably have serious beef with her, but I have only done that a couple of times as a silent way of calling people out on their shittiness.

Lol?

the_eye_of_sauron_by_stirzocular-d86f0oo.jpg

there are no lolz in the void...
 

Totenkindly

@.~*virinaĉo*~.@
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And we chatted about, despite being introverted types who do not naturally initiate in social situations, feeling compelled in certain situations to initiate when there's a strong magnetic pull toward someone. For myself, I don't mean impulsive. Perhaps much of the reason I've been told it's "overwhelming", "too much", or found myself met with the other person's inability to communicate much of anything, is because I likely waited a bit too long, and allowed the feelings to boil up and out. I did honestly think that was what people did: grand declarations of love, outpourings of emotion, vulnerable honesty. I was extremely hurt when the response to my vulnerability and honesty, and the compliment I considered it to be, the gift I thought I was giving, was met with silence by several people. I understand more about their reaction now, can see how it was more from their points of view, but at the time, it felt like they were saying I wasn't worth responding to, I wasn't even worth rejecting.

So I share Totenkindly's frustrations with feeling like I do the initiating much of the time. Of course, with that being the case, when someone else initiates, I don't always know how I ought to react. And now it's making me wonder about boundaries. There's advice that people shouldn't expect everything from one person; it's too much. And it is, really. You can't reasonably expect to get everything you need from other people from one person. But how do you decide where the boundaries go?

I think that is why I feel stymied -- because I am crazy-respectful of boundaries and never wanted to be "That Person" who was invasive or disrespectful. I know I don't like to have my own boundaries violated if it's someone who I don't feel like I click with but they seem to be really into me for some reason. But my caution also means I might not take the risks to get the connections I want, inside. Or I will scan as far more aloof than i honestly feel towards someone.

There have been times when I did kind of "gush" or reach out without fear to someone I felt a connection with and had misjudged. Mostly they responded either gracefully or neutrally, but I felt some degree of shame and embarrassment over it, after... partly for being so vulnerable, partly for stepping on toes.

I also feel that, despite the movie cliches, there's an attitude that you shouldn't want so intensely to find that connection; like it means there's something wrong with you (Why don't you just look for whatever it is in yourself? Or build up your own self esteem so you don't need that connection), or that you're unrealistic and too idealistic (Okay, maybe they got me there, but what's the alternative? Just give up? Never be satisfied? - Maybe I won't be, it's likely I'm a 469 or 496 so doubt is inherent.)

I guess there is that. I mean, it can be perceived as being needy. I am strongly independent and sometimes hate feeling that degree of potential 'neediness' and don't want to come off that way. But I know that I'm not happy with "comfortable" relationships where the two people don't really get that close. The relationships where I resonate are ones where I don't have to filter anything and I can also share anything and the other person is also sharing to the same level. There is such an intensity to it and such a feeling of nakedness... in the good ways. If it's not going to go there, it's difficult to invest.

And I am by no means at an advanced level of understanding. Some of what I'm talking about could have more to do with being an INFP or my enneagram type or something else entirely. Feel free to say that if you think it.

It's hard to tell. I do feel like my version of it is more about "secret sharing" (I think I'm described it as such before), where an ExFx type might view it from a different angle or facet.
 

The Cat

Just a Cat who hangs out at the Crossroads
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how can only death be in the void if there was no life to die?

ah? ah? ahhhhh?

giphy.gif

I suppose that all depends on how deep within the void you manage to go.
 

Forever

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I suppose that all depends on how deep within the void you manage to go.

Is that so?
tenor.gif
 

Obfuscate

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Taking the idea from the Social Last Support Group

most anything i might say here, was likely said there... i know being any type/variant/etc has challenges... i am not saying it isn't appropriate to vent or disparaging anyone that wants to..

 

Luminous

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I avoid eye contact overall (subconsciously), but I do this when I want to challenge someone, as in I will lock on for a strategic number of seconds intensely but in a sort of... unreadable (?) way, and then look away and act like nothing ever happened. I do it to throw people off for my own sick amusement and see what kind of reaction I get. It's always men. If I am locking on to a woman, I probably have serious beef with her, but I have only done that a couple of times as a silent way of calling people out on their shittiness.

Lol?

I suppose it would be helpful if I elaborated. For example, eye contact, not necessarily with a lover, where you feel a magnetic pull, are completely absorbed, whatever is around is muted, like you might be on a different plane together. Sometimes it's a feeling like you could just devour someone special with intense gaze, sometimes it's just a fun high with a friend. It doesn't often often for me. I thought it might have something to do with sx after reading things like:

Whatever the case, there is a need to be in deep union with that which they are "in relationship with". Therefore sexual subtypes are often said to have an intensity, which can be seen in the eyes. There is a desire to stay connected to those they are interacting with so may stay glued through the eyes during conversation, in an effort to maintain the depth of this connection.
Instincts and The Enneagram — Insightful Innovations
 

Peter Deadpan

phallus impudicus
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I suppose it would be helpful if I elaborated. For example, eye contact, not necessarily with a lover, where you feel a magnetic pull, are completely absorbed, whatever is around is muted, like you might be on a different plane together. Sometimes it's a feeling like you could just devour someone special with intense gaze, sometimes it's just a fun high with a friend. It doesn't often often for me. I thought it might have something to do with sx after reading things like:

Instincts and The Enneagram — Insightful Innovations

I understood what you were saying. I guess I was saying I don't really need that or have a lust for it, but I can play with it at will, for funsies.
I do need it to a smaller extent in romantic relationships, but if we're a good match, it usually just happens naturally without worry or effort.

My boyfriend has a very intense gaze that sometimes makes me feel oddly uncomfortable. I feel more connected to him when it is softened, probably because I feel subconsciously threatened. It's like he's stabbing into me, which I guess is why it's called "piercing" or a "sharp gaze". Other than that, he generally seems pretty relaxed and nonthreatening to me, which has confused me when trying to type him.

Have you Sx-firsts been told many times that your gaze is intense?
 

Red Memories

Haunted Echoes
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I understood what you were saying. I guess I was saying I don't really need that or have a lust for it, but I can play with it at will, for funsies.
I do need it to a smaller extent in romantic relationships, but if we're a good match, it usually just happens naturally without worry or effort.

My boyfriend has a very intense gaze that sometimes makes me feel oddly uncomfortable. I feel more connected to him when it is softened, probably because I feel subconsciously threatened. It's like he's stabbing into me, which I guess is why it's called "piercing" or a "sharp gaze". Other than that, he generally seems pretty relaxed and nonthreatening to me, which has confused me when trying to type him.

Have you Sx-firsts been told many times that your gaze is intense?

I have actually been told I look intense, yes. XD Most of the time when I am concentrating I am told it appears I am planning an enraged murder spree. XD
 

Galena

Silver and Lead
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I probably don't do eye contact very often, because I had to be pushed and taught to make anything close to it as a kid. When I'm talking to someone, if I'm thinking about it, I strike a happy medium by looking at their forehead - to look like business without risking discomfort for either of us.

This may be evil, but sometimes I like to make eye contact with random babies to see if it gets their attention, and then make a weird face if it does.

Sometimes I have been told that I seem angry or upset when I'm not really, and just talking about something I find important. If I am aware that I might come across that way and don't know or trust that the other person will pick that up (people who can are cool), I will intentionally drop signals that my intent is friendly, or just say so. But I'd be surprised if this is type related and not just common.
 

senza tema

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Have you Sx-firsts been told many times that your gaze is intense?

Yes, to the extent that people don't like it when I look at them/say they feel like my gaze is burning their soul to a cinder and other hyperbolic expressions of discomfort, lol.

I try not to hyper-focus on people when they're talking these days but to me, honestly, it seems far ruder to let my gaze wander when I'm supposed to be paying attention??? I don't understand this social rule tbh. :shrug:
 
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