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[sx] What is it really like to be sexual last?

The Great One

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[MENTION=6037]Craic[/MENTION]

It's okay, I now know that you were responding to [MENTION=5356]Speed Gavroche[/MENTION] It's all good.
 

Mycroft

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I just don't give a damn. When it's me and my lover, I just let the passion take over, lol.

I don't get this about people. We live in a society. You can enjoy a fine meal and an intimate occasion with another because you don't have to spend every waking minute scrounging for food and otherwise not dying. You can thank society for that. How can you, in good conscience, ignore everyone else around you and make a spectacle, perhaps affecting others negatively, with so little regard?

Maybe it's not the time or place. Maybe other people are going through difficult times in their relationships and don't need to have it rubbed in their face, seeing others get on so well. And don't you worry about looking trashy?

Yes, I'm letting my biases show, but I just can't wrap my head around that kind of attitude.
 

The Great One

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I don't get this about people. We live in a society. You can enjoy a fine meal and an intimate occasion with another because you don't have to spend every waking minute scrounging for food and otherwise not dying. You can thank society for that. How can you, in good conscience, ignore everyone else around you and make a spectacle, perhaps affecting others negatively, with so little regard?

Maybe it's not the time or place. Maybe other people are going through difficult times in their relationships and don't need to have it rubbed in their face, seeing others get on so well. And don't you worry about looking trashy?

Yes, I'm letting my biases show, but I just can't wrap my head around that kind of attitude.

You're so negative. How do you know people won't get off on watching other people go at it?
 

Mycroft

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You're so negative. How do you know people won't get off on watching other people go at it?

I guess if appealing to the minority of perverts that may or may not actually be in the vicinity is more important than demonstrating class and decorum, that's your prerogative.
 

The Great One

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I guess if appealing to the minority of perverts that may or may not actually be in the vicinity is more important than demonstrating class and decorum, that's your prerogative.

Finally someone who understands me. BTW, you have a strong 3w4 fix don't you?
 

skylights

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I don't get this about people. We live in a society. You can enjoy a fine meal and an intimate occasion with another because you don't have to spend every waking minute scrounging for food and otherwise not dying. You can thank society for that. How can you, in good conscience, ignore everyone else around you and make a spectacle, perhaps affecting others negatively, with so little regard?

Maybe it's not the time or place. Maybe other people are going through difficult times in their relationships and don't need to have it rubbed in their face, seeing others get on so well. And don't you worry about looking trashy?

Yes, I'm letting my biases show, but I just can't wrap my head around that kind of attitude.

I agree with you to some extent, though at the same time, society was engineered so that we can live in security, pleasure, and harmony.

I'm Sx/So, so I have some degree of societal awareness. My LTR boyfriend (ISFJ Sp/Sx) and I are more demonstrative in public than I had anticipated, but for the most part between his Fe and my So we keep it very appropriate, and I have been surprised by how much positivity and approval we are shown even by complete strangers. Many people come up to us and tell us we look very happy, we're periodically asked when we are getting married, a few people have given us little gifts, and one sweet lady even stopped and told me all about how we reminded her of herself and her long-passed-away husband - this has all come as a surprise to me.

I think there is also the flipside of what you are saying, which is that often people like to see happy couples in small, non-offensive amounts because it can offer comfort when they think of their own relationships, hope that they might be that happy in a relationship too, and just because it's more pleasing to see happy people than upset ones. It's true that someone might be reminded of their unhappy relationship, but I don't feel a responsibility to act against my personal happiness (eg holding my boyfriend's hand, giving him a little kiss goodbye, or leaning against him in a restaurant booth) for society's sake - because that would be defying the whole point of society in the first place.

Outside of that, though, we do our best to keep it decorous.
 

cascadeco

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I'm Sx/So, so I have some degree of societal awareness. My LTR boyfriend (ISFJ Sp/Sx) and I are more demonstrative in public than I had anticipated, but for the most part between his Fe and my So we keep it very appropriate, and I have been surprised by how much positivity and approval we are shown even by complete strangers. Many people come up to us and tell us we look very happy, we're periodically asked when we are getting married, a few people have given us little gifts, and one sweet lady even stopped and told me all about how we reminded her of herself and her long-passed-away husband - this has all come as a surprise to me.

I think there is also the flipside of what you are saying, which is that often people like to see happy couples in small, non-offensive amounts because it can offer comfort when they think of their own relationships, hope that they might be that happy in a relationship too, and just because it's more pleasing to see happy people than upset ones. It's true that someone might be reminded of their unhappy relationship, but I don't feel a responsibility to act against my personal happiness (eg holding my boyfriend's hand, giving him a little kiss goodbye, or leaning against him in a restaurant booth) for society's sake - because that would be defying the whole point of society in the first place.

Outside of that, though, we do our best to keep it decorous.

ha, this reminds me of how people responded to my ex and I when we were out and about. Everyone always thought we were married, and on one summer trip a group of older couples at a restaurant thought we were on our honeymoon, which made us lol a lot. :laugh: We weren't obnoxious or anything, at all (I think most would say both of us were more mature in how we interacted in public), but yeah, probably just the casual touches, the way we interacted... I dunno. It's funny, as I hadn't gotten that sort of reaction with previous boyfriends.

(my ex is an so/sp, fwiw, so he didn't have much issue with minor pda/playfulness in public)
 

ptgatsby

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How can you, in good conscience, ignore everyone else around you and make a spectacle, perhaps affecting others negatively, with so little regard?

I worry about PDAs about as much as I care if they worry about tattoos, hair styles, piercings... or put to a higher social norm... same-sex couples holding hands. The context is important in this, however, and not all behavior/attire/etc is appropriate at all times. None the less, I'm not going down the path of solely protecting everyone's sensibilities.
 

roastingmallows

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My mom is so/sp. I really don't understand sx last people either, though reading this thread has helped a bit. The way I see my mom is:

She doesn't particularly care to know people on a personal level. It's like we're all pawns and trophies and ornaments and sounding boards.

She gets a thrill out of appearing "classy".

She is actually more "intense" than me though, which has much to do with my confusion about instinctual variants. My mom has a very in your face sort of energy, but at the same time she is kind of airy and detached. In reality, I am more intense (in that I have a greater depth of emotion), but she appears more intense. I have an innate desire to truly get to know people on a personal level, and let them know me, but I don't see that in her at all. She is transpersonal/interpersonal and I am personal/interpersonal.

I just don't get it. I am generally around a lot of sp/sx people, though.
 
G

garbage

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I'm apparently one of these. It's fine by me. :wink:

[MENTION=17264]roastingmallows[/MENTION]'s descriptions of that so/sp being "transpersonal" but not caring to know (many) people on a deeply personal level are spot-on for me. With most people, "compassion from a distance" is more my style when relating to others.

In contrast, however we'd classify them--I find some people to be highly confrontational and too volatile, seemingly making assessments/accusations with way too few data points. When it's targeted at me, it doesn't exactly hurt my feelings; it's impossible for someone who grasps at straws and wavers between extremes to seem credible enough. This is all to say that I absolutely cannot relate to that style.

I definitely have ambitions, and I'm deeply compassionate and very warm, but passionate would not describe me. I prefer to be more well-rounded and pragmatic than 'laser-like.'

Being passionate seems like it'd have its merits. I'd peg both my fiancee and my mentor as sx-firsts (though neither is exactly volatile), and they've taught me a thing or two about it. I'd historically tended to see getting too close too quickly as smothering, and I'd feel like I needed an escape. I had to learn to embrace personal intimacy in my primary relationships, and both of them have served as excellent examples.
 
G

Glycerine

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sp/so: I have a very controlled warmth... sometimes it is more of a lukewarm energy. From what I have heard from others, I tend to have a very formal (almost judgmental) outer shell/aura. I would assume it is Fe used to disconnect from people as a shield when my self-preservation needs aren't being met.
 

The Great One

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What is sex for the SP/SO and SO/SP people like? Is it no big deal? Do almost view it like eating a sandwich and you just view as a task that is apart of everyday life, and nothing really that special. It seems like the people that I talk to that are sexual last tend to not care at all about sex. It's just not that important to them.
 

roastingmallows

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I'm apparently one of these. It's fine by me. :wink:

[MENTION=17264]roastingmallows[/MENTION]'s descriptions of that so/sp being "transpersonal" but not caring to know (many) people on a deeply personal level are spot-on for me. With most people, "compassion from a distance" is more my style when relating to others.

In contrast, however we'd classify them--I find some people to be highly confrontational and too volatile, seemingly making assessments/accusations with way too few data points. When it's targeted at me, it doesn't exactly hurt my feelings; it's impossible for someone who grasps at straws and wavers between extremes to seem credible enough. This is all to say that I absolutely cannot relate to that style.

I definitely have ambitions, and I'm deeply compassionate and very warm, but passionate would not describe me. I prefer to be more well-rounded and pragmatic than 'laser-like.'

Being passionate seems like it'd have its merits. I'd peg both my fiancee and my mentor as sx-firsts (though neither is exactly volatile), and they've taught me a thing or two about it. I'd historically tended to see getting too close too quickly as smothering, and I'd feel like I needed an escape. I had to learn to embrace personal intimacy in my primary relationships, and both of them have served as excellent examples.

Oh, good. I'm glad you actually related to that and didn't find it offensive. I rather respect your opinions. I still don't get it, but man, that's cool I guess. Do you believe that this type (either sx last) is actually more common than all the supposed sx types we see on here?

I find it so interesting that the description of so/sp I gave seemed kind of harsh to me, yet you relate and don't see it as negative. As an sx type I suppose, it's very important for me to know people on a more personal level. Not EVERYONE. Just the people that matter. Also, do you think that being confrontational/volatile is universal to sx types? I don't consider myself to be either of those things, but maybe it is relative. You did mention that your mentor and fiancee are both sx firsts and they seem a bit more moderate...

People are so weird and different. I like it.
 

skylights

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I'd peg both my fiancee and my mentor as sx-firsts (though neither is exactly volatile), and they've taught me a thing or two about it. I'd historically tended to see getting too close too quickly as smothering, and I'd feel like I needed an escape. I had to learn to embrace personal intimacy in my primary relationships, and both of them have served as excellent examples.

If you don't mind a pretty personal question, [MENTION=5578]bologna[/MENTION], how is it to have your fiancee be sx-first and you being sx-last? Do you guys run into any issues regarding that, and do you bond in an Sp or So way mainly instead?
 

The Great One

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If you don't mind a pretty personal question, [MENTION=5578]bologna[/MENTION], how is it to have your fiancee be sx-first and you being sx-last? Do you guys run into any issues regarding that, and do you bond in an Sp or So way mainly instead?

Yeah I was about to bring up the same thing.
 
G

garbage

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Do you believe that this type (either sx last) is actually more common than all the supposed sx types we see on here?
I don't think so. I don't think the question's too important, though; I simply roll with "if the shoe fits..."
I find it so interesting that the description of so/sp I gave seemed kind of harsh to me, yet you relate and don't see it as negative.
That's pretty interesting, yeah. I'm sure that, in contrast, one man's "making wild-ass accusations" is another man's "being passionate"--that is, that what I see as a negative is conversely seen as a positive.

They're all just ways of navigating the world, man. :weed-smoking smiley:
Also, do you think that being confrontational/volatile is universal to sx types? I don't consider myself to be either of those things, but maybe it is relative. You did mention that your mentor and fiancee are both sx firsts and they seem a bit more moderate...
I don't think it's universal. The important thing is that it's relative--if one person is fiery and passionate (or terribly dry and boring) compared to you, from your vantage point, then it can be dealt with accordingly.

Mature people are more well-rounded. Immature people are too cold or too fiery. They'll either warm up or cool down when needed, as life has kicked them in the dick and told them that they have to be.

If you don't mind a pretty personal question, [MENTION=5578]bologna[/MENTION], how is it to have your fiancee be sx-first and you being sx-last? Do you guys run into any issues regarding that, and do you bond in an Sp or So way mainly instead?
Nope! People is people, man, and we deal accordingly. I had to learn the value of one-on-one intimacy, and we both had to maintain our patience as we figured one another out.
 

PeaceBaby

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What is sex for the SP/SO and SO/SP people like? Is it no big deal? Do almost view it like eating a sandwich and you just view as a task that is apart of everyday life, and nothing really that special. It seems like the people that I talk to that are sexual last tend to not care at all about sex. It's just not that important to them.

Is this a serious question? :laugh:
 

Mycroft

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I think the idea that sexual desire = SX is off-base. (I have to wonder if this misconception is contributing to the disproportionately large number of members claiming to be SX first or second.)

One's libido (in the Freudian sense) is almost certainly a component of one's psychological and physiological composition.

I do, however, think SX-last types are less inclined to discuss or more inclined to downplay private matters.
 
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