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[sx] sx - do you give confusing signals?

hilo

New member
Joined
Mar 8, 2010
Messages
186
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9 sx
Last weekend I was at a house party with a bunch of friends, and the next morning, a close friend said (in an offhand way)

"the way you were talking to XX I thought you were gonna hook up"

and I think "WTF?"

We talked about a lot of things - very personal, some disturbing, etc - but at no point was I considering anything but heading home around 2 and hitting bed alone.

BUT I do like to have intense conversations (with the right people!) - that whole making connections thing that SX are supposed to like.

Maybe this is an NT thing, I don't know, but 99% of these connections I make are mind-mate type moments. Not sexual. But they get taken the wrong way (as sexual interest) by both outsiders and sometimes the people I'm talking to (I have learned to dial back somewhat since in college when lots of guys thought I was interested when I was not)

Is this a common problem?
Does it have anything to do with stacking?
 

INTPness

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Jan 22, 2009
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2,157
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INTP
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5w4
I naturally like to have deep connections and since it's been taken the wrong way so many times, what I find myself doing is "making it known" that I'm not available - right from the very beginning.

For instance, if someone says "Where's your significant other tonight? Don't you have a girlfriend?" I might say something like, "Nah, girlfriends aren't on my list of priorities right now. Friends? Yes! Girlfriends? No thanks." And then I'll continue talking. I throw it out there - point blank - that way there is absolutely no chance for confusion.

I've been accused of "making people feel a certain way" and "knowing what I was doing the whole time" when I either (a) had no clue the other person was developing feelings, and/or (b) never wanted them to have feelings. After I realized that my "sx" was causing problems like this, I just made the adjustment and if I feel the conversation sort of "inching" towards a deep conversation, then I make my intentions known flat out. No mixed signals. Take it or leave it. You can keep having a great, deep conversation with me. Or, if my forwardness has made you uncomfortable, then you can stop the conversation right there. That's OK. It's better than the alternative - being accused of something I did not do or of making you feel a certain way.
 

Moiety

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Joined
Aug 3, 2008
Messages
5,996
MBTI Type
ISFJ
I've never been accused of giving the wrong impression. But then again it's so rare to feel any deep connection with someone.
 

the state i am in

Active member
Joined
Feb 12, 2009
Messages
2,475
MBTI Type
infj
Enneagram
5w4
Instinctual Variant
sx/sp
penetrating attention, although for a wider variety of reasons than people might think. especially with disembodied e5s, the kind of mental space connection consumes us as much as the other binding site.

at the same time, exploring someone's psychology, your connection with them, etc, does open up this desire to consume them and get to the very bottom of them, their essence, etc. it needn't be sexual, but it could/can/does easily become so. sprawled out in your imagination, etc.
 

grey bottom socks

New member
Joined
Aug 30, 2010
Messages
17
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
5w4
Good possibility. I don't really censor too much of what I say (outside of work). I usually express my thoughts and ideas vividly, as I see it in my head. Sometimes I get really animated, enthusiastic, and passionate, depending on the topic.

Also, I treat and talk to males and females the same way.

I've had to tone it down a bit, mostly with guys.
 

Hornet389

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Sep 29, 2010
Messages
13
MBTI Type
ISJ
accepting everyone around you with clever smiles is flirting and flirting is sexual
 

Amargith

Hotel California
Joined
Nov 5, 2008
Messages
14,717
MBTI Type
ENFP
Enneagram
4dw
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
I no longer seek out people irl, partly for this reason. And with my colleagues, when I notice that we've known each other for a while, I put a disclaimer in before I relax and am *normal* with them (instead of that huge uncomfortable social gap). In that way I try to do damage control.

It's tiresome to see that many seems to think that intensity only exists for sexual purposes, but you learn to deal with it *shrug*
 

Thalassa

Permabanned
Joined
May 3, 2009
Messages
25,183
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ISFP
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6w7
Instinctual Variant
sx
Not really, because I tend to only focus in on certain people. I'm picky about who I focus on.

Of course my attention has been mistaken for sexual before, but I tend to be careful about it as an adult because it occurred when I was a teenager, and I've worked in the adult industry long enough to know when I'm sending out the wrong signals.
 

IheartFootball10

New member
Joined
Sep 21, 2010
Messages
28
MBTI Type
ESTP
Enneagram
8w7
yeh, ive been accused of giving out the wrong signals. people seem to think im always flirting 24-7. but thats really not the case. i just love to meet new people, make connections, make new friends, network...hey, im a social person! but i cant tell you how many times guys have thought i wanted to hook up with them and that was never my intent at all. lol
 

hilo

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Mar 8, 2010
Messages
186
MBTI Type
INTP
Enneagram
9 sx
accepting everyone around you with clever smiles is flirting and flirting is sexual

?? That's not what we're talking about. This sounds like "being social" aka so-type stuff. In no way did I imply that I accept everyone - I mentioned I'm selective. And flirting is just not something I do, it's something other people seem to perceive. Intense conversation != flirting.
 

INTPness

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?? That's not what we're talking about. This sounds like "being social" aka so-type stuff. In no way did I imply that I accept everyone - I mentioned I'm selective. And flirting is just not something I do, it's something other people seem to perceive. Intense conversation != flirting.

I think Hornet was being sarcastic. If we are "pleasant" towards people, it is often taken as flirting. And once they think we are flirting, then we must be "into them". It's as if being pleasant = I want to go to bed with you. And for the sx, that is very much not the case. I'm very pleasant around people that I have to be around, but that has no bearing on me being "into them". It's just me being pleasant, funny, easy going, and approachable.

I was asked the other day if I'm gay because "girls are into me, and I seem flirtatious, but I never take the next step with any of those girls." I guess being an introvert, most of my thoughts are below the surface, so I had to explain: A few of the girls I'm just flat out not interested in and of the ones that I *would be* interested in, one is very nice but has 2 kids, another one is 18 years older than me, and another one came out of the womb just 19 short years ago - all situations that I don't want to get involved in. So, because I continue to be pleasant and approachable, yet never "make a move", I must be gay?

You just can't make this stuff up.
 

hilo

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Mar 8, 2010
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186
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INTP
Enneagram
9 sx
I think Hornet was being sarcastic.

I was asked the other day if I'm gay because "girls are into me, and I seem flirtatious, but I never take the next step with any of those girls." I guess being an introvert, most of my thoughts are below the surface, so I had to explain: A few of the girls I'm just flat out not interested in and of the ones that I *would be* interested in, one is very nice but has 2 kids, another one is 18 years older than me, and another one came out of the womb just 19 short years ago - all situations that I don't want to get involved in. So, because I continue to be pleasant and approachable, yet never "make a move", I must be gay?

You just can't make this stuff up.

Doh. I don't usually miss the sarcasm.

And I know exactly what you are talking about, except for a girl, you are a "tease". Or, maybe I'm just a nice person interested in getting to know you as another human being? Not a sex object? How can you be put off by someone wanting to talk to you for your mind? Isn't it supposed to be the other thing that's insulting??
 

INTPness

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Doh. I don't usually miss the sarcasm.

And I know exactly what you are talking about, except for a girl, you are a "tease". Or, maybe I'm just a nice person interested in getting to know you as another human being? Not a sex object? How can you be put off by someone wanting to talk to you for your mind? Isn't it supposed to be the other thing that's insulting??

Yeah, good point. I hadn't given much thought to the sx woman's dilemma.
 

Kristiana

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Dec 28, 2007
Messages
326
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INTJ
Yes, I've gotten this before... and I am married, with no intent whatsoever to show interest in any man aside from my husband. >_<
 

neptunesnet

man-made
Joined
Sep 5, 2009
Messages
1,228
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INFP
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5&4
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sx
Yes.

I hold back now (even to the point where I'm pretty cold and aloof when meeting new people, especially men) because I've had so many experiences in the past where someone thought I was romantically interested and I wasn't. At all. Though I can understand why they'd be confused, it's still frustrating.

Although a counter to that is discovering & knowing someone's story and forming a connection with him/her feels very intimate. If it's compelling enough for me I'll want to consume them. Yeah, that's true.

at the same time, exploring someone's psychology, your connection with them, etc, does open up this desire to consume them and get to the very bottom of them, their essence, etc. it needn't be sexual, but it could/can/does easily become so. sprawled out in your imagination, etc.
 
Joined
Jul 3, 2008
Messages
1,858
MBTI Type
INFP
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54
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so/sp
Sorry to read up on all the frustration. As a social, I, like sexuals here, knowingly/willingly give confusing signals (very warm/approachable, attentive one moment then everything's out the window) that are interpreted by others (reactions from sexuals have been especially interesting - other socials are better with shrugging off) as interest, as verified with experience, both actively and unconsciously, and really very much revel in screwing with people when possible because it's so easy. Usually it's just to see where a road goes, for the fun of it at the very least, or go 95% of the way only to abruptly split in three then dig a hole to China.
 

INTPness

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Sorry to read up on all the frustration. As a social, I, like sexuals here, knowingly/willingly give confusing signals (very warm/approachable, attentive one moment then everything's out the window) that are interpreted by others (reactions from sexuals have been especially interesting - other socials are better with shrugging off) as interest, as verified with experience, both actively and unconsciously, and really very much revel in screwing with people when possible because it's so easy. Usually it's just to see where a road goes, for the fun of it at the very least, or go 95% of the way only to abruptly split in three then dig a hole to China.

Sounds like a real hoot.
 
Joined
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1,858
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INFP
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54
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so/sp
Sounds like a real hoot.

Whenever ethically possible. I mentioned in another thread recently that unsettling others without much notice comes as naturally as hitting the gas as if it were the break. Usually it just entails helping them answer their own questions when I notice any overriding sense of righteousness, holiness, or bigotry that's consumed their intended line of logic like the Blob.

Breakfast of champions.
 

animenagai

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Aug 22, 2008
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4w3
Yeah absolutely, I think a lot of ENFP's share my problem. When I'm happy, I'm exuberant. I mean FFS, I'm an ENFP type 4, I have a 7 in my tritype, there's no other way. People generally take that the wrong way. I met a girl at a party once and out of mere curiosity, asked her to tell me something about herself. She tells me that she's taken. Ummm... that's very nice, but what does that have to do with anything? Here's another example, once when I was in highschool, I had a good chat with a chick in my maths class (I think she's an ENFP too). We were calling each other dorks and stuff, just having fun. I walked home with a mutual friend later on in the day and we were talking about who we would take to the ball and she was convinced that I was gonna ask that chick out. The thought hadn't even hit my mind before then tbh. I think my general playfulness and light-hearted intensity is confusing to a lot of people. I'm just having fun, honest.
 

windoverlake

New member
Joined
May 2, 2015
Messages
403
MBTI Type
INFJ
Last weekend I was at a house party with a bunch of friends, and the next morning, a close friend said (in an offhand way)

"the way you were talking to XX I thought you were gonna hook up"

and I think "WTF?"

We talked about a lot of things - very personal, some disturbing, etc - but at no point was I considering anything but heading home around 2 and hitting bed alone.

BUT I do like to have intense conversations (with the right people!) - that whole making connections thing that SX are supposed to like.

Maybe this is an NT thing, I don't know, but 99% of these connections I make are mind-mate type moments. Not sexual. But they get taken the wrong way (as sexual interest) by both outsiders and sometimes the people I'm talking to (I have learned to dial back somewhat since in college when lots of guys thought I was interested when I was not)

Is this a common problem?
Does it have anything to do with stacking?

I've heard this from people, and others have mistaken my attention for romantic interest. But I know that I'm not putting out romantic signals, because my romantic signals only comes out when I let them out. In my case I think people mistake Fe for more than it is. I used to care about this and it kept me very held back and in for a while, but now I don't care because someone else's incorrect perception of me is their problem. I'm not going to adjust my behaviour because someone else can't understand how to read signals.
 
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