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[sx] Questions for Sx peoples

Chad of the OttomanEmpire

Give me a fourth dot.
Joined
Jun 9, 2013
Messages
1,053
MBTI Type
NeTi
Enneagram
478
Instinctual Variant
sx/so
Are you overly concerned with your desirability?
Yes, this is one side of sx that has tortured me for most of my life. I don't mean in the sense of being socially desirable, being "somebody", being glamorous, or having your presence wanted. I mean sexually desirable. Attractive, sexy. This concern is never far from the forefront of my consciousness.

At one point it got so bad it launched me into a depressive episode. Like a legit one where I was mentally fucked and unable to get out of bed and hallucinated that I was rotting and stuff.

I have a suicide pact with myself that when I hit menopause I will end my life. Women lose both desirability and desire, and hence my worth falls to zero and my life is meaningless past my reproductive life. It hurts so much to think about...it feels like being lit on fire and flung off a cliff except there is no bottom so I will only fall and burn eternally...that death is the only solution. This is not a cry for help, just demonstrating my psychological structures here. The imperative is to mate and die, and nothing else matters.

I have done a lot of reading on this, and at this point I have to be honest: if you do not struggle with this, either you haven't gone deep enough to see how deeply it affects you, or else you are not a sexual subtype. I hate to be the gatekeeper, but there are legit psychological structures around sexual attractiveness and desirability, and intense fears of aging, with sx subtypes.

As far as I understand and have experienced, it is a key component to the neurosis that sx creates. The instinct is literally about sexual attraction; the need to desire and be desirable drives sx-firsts.


Are you obssessed with something or somebody?
Not currently because I have experienced clinical depression and it pretty much ruined my brain for me. But I used to fly from one obsession to the next. In particular it was someone I had a "crush" on or admired and I would get all obsessed. None of them were even real, because to me the energy is creepy and I would never direct it against a real human...deep deep unconscious taboos against this in the inner recesses of my mind. Plus also, most people irl aren't all that awesome.

It also took the form of other interests that inspired me. I would obsess over it and research it at every turn. I could literally not shut up about this week's enthusiasm. It was kinda cringe, but it felt good.

And although this tended to jerk my life around a lot, I really miss the lift it gave me. The joy, the purpose, the meaning. My life just seems so blah without it.


What kind of intense experience attract you? Do you actively reach it?
I don't really know what this even means.


Are you paranoid in relationships? Jealous?
Idk what you mean about "paranoid in relationships"...like do I think they'll cheat? Hunny, at my age (says my sx-first brain) I expect them to. Younger women and all. It's more like I inwardly gave up any claims on my partner at all lest I be dealt such a painful blow. I simply can't afford another depressive episode. I have consequently eschewed all jealousy basically by detaching myself and being non-involved at some level.

I still get jealous in platonic relationships though. I was one of those obnoxious brats who couldn't handle her friends having other friends. I'd refuse to talk to them anymore lol. And I'd get laughed at, but god it really hurt. I still feel an unreasonable and SHARP sense of irritation if a close friend decides to take off with someone else for the day. Not because "plans" but because that's MY friend and that other idiot doesn't get to hog the attention.


Atention whoreness?
It will not come as a shock but I can be an attention whore online. Irl, no. I would feel ashamed if I ended up hogging all the attention...like any proper gut type, I am the frame and not part of the picture. I know showing off and hogging attention is the only way people notice you or are attracted to you, but I would feel guilty if I tried. So I'm at odds with myself and generally unhappy in my interactions lol. But most of the attention whoring I've seen has been on the part of social subtypes actually...they want to be known. I want to attract sexual partners.


Are you agressive?
No, especially not for my core type. I am quite withdrawn and underhanded.


Do you cultivate your masculinity? Feminity? Androgigny?
Never did. There are areas of the Internet I've been involved with who are always telling me to "let my divine feminine out". The problem is, I usually just am my authentic self without much thought and sadly there isn't much divine feminine to me. Leading other sectors of the Internet to insist I'm a brainwashed feminist. It is beyond frustrating! I can't just be me. And yet I know I have a real failure to attract because I canNOT access these things. I told you this torments me!

The fact is I just want to be myself and not be in the wrong for it. I'm pretty gender-neutral, leaning into masculine. I don't have much use for femininity according to our cultural standards, because that's not how God made me. But why does it have to be shoved down my throat?

I'm a human, leave me alone.


Are you or were you confused about your sexual orientation?
Never.


Do you fear intimacy? Avoidant?
I personally do, and this might have to do with my core type more than my instinct. Russ Hudson accurately states that "intimacy" is a heart feeling and not to do with instincts. My experience concurs. Part of me wants to obsess over The One (who this is changes), be inspired by The One, bask in The One, fuck The One...the other part is screaming in red letters: AVOID AVOID AVOID. My autonomy and dignity and self-respect come first. I'm not comfortable getting that close to people. Etc.


How much are you opened to new sexual experiences?
I don't know what the norm here is.


How much are you opened to new experiences as a general rule?
I'm all for the ones that I decide to do. I'm not for the ones that other people shove on me, and sometimes the merest suggestion feels like shoving. So I can seem quite dug in and narrow, I've been told.

Yet I've spent my existence traveling and otherwise experimenting with this odd substance called life. I think that new experiences enrich my life. So I guess I'm built around a kind of openness, even if others don't see it.


Do you aspire to "become one" with something or somebody?
Consciously speaking, the thought grosses me out. Autonomy first. Understand that I literally see myself as a sovereign nation, and "becoming one" would effectively subordinate me to someone else's empire. I'll die first. I will never surrender.

Yet there is a physical drive to step inside someone's skin, to take on all his qualities, to become him. This may be my 9 wing complicating my life though than anything to do with sx.


Do you consider yourself as sexy?
No. I think I'm revolting. I think I'm gross and weird and ugly. And getting to be an old hag. I can't imagine someone being attracted to me. I have a very painful sense of deficiency in this matter that really does impinge on my self esteem. I envy people who think they're attractive.


Do you often receive compliments? How do you react to this?
Not since I was in my 20s have I heard any compliments about my appearance. And I have literally NEVER heard any about about my personality, which I know is always wrong no matter what I do.

As to how I react...I guess it makes me feel sad, hurt, and small. My entire self worth is pegged on my personal appeal, and I keep getting my nose rubbed into this one fact: I don't have any. Thus I have a very diminished self-concept and have dealt with strong feelings of despair for most of my adult life.

I wouldn't believe anyone if they did compliment me though. Actually the thought of this makes me very uncomfortable. Too creepy. Cannot handle.


Have you some passion for something or someone?
Idk, not really, just dicking around.


How do you deal with peoples of the six differents variants (including the yours)?
I find this is a matter of individuals. I would never try to generalise the, what, 1.5 billion (?) people in each stacking.


What is(are) the variant(s) of you mate(s)?
N/A


Do you identify with some desirable, sexy image and tend to look like them?
I mean, I wish. I can't be assed to modify my appearance...to me attraction should be all natural. Underlying this attitude, of course, is the fear that trying to be seen as sexy is lipstick on a pig, and I would just be making a total fool of myself. So I face this with resignation, if this isn't already obvious.


As an Sx/Sp, how would you explain the relationships between your sexual and self-pres instincts?
Someone said something about being unable to decouple sexual attractiveness from physical qualities. That's about what it is for me as well. Idk, maybe that's just sx-first in general. I don't really see the relationship other than that. I don't show off my wealth to get sexual partners or anything. I don't win men by cooking for them. Or blah blah stereotypes.

I simply have a focus I'm neurotic about (sx) and two other areas of life that aren't nearly so tormenting (sp and soc). I think I specifically trip up around soc stuff though and that it's a gaping hole of loserdom for me, so I'm going with sx/sp (though I am open to this being my abysmal Fe).
 
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