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  1. #1
    Cynical Existentialist Earl Grey's Avatar
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    Default sx relationships?

    I have read various posts, threads, articles, and whatnot of varying levels of accuracy in content that SX is love, lust, mating, partnership, consummation, finding 'the one', the 'soulmate', spark, magnetism, seduction, etc. Very often, these descriptions seem to very specifically describe, or at least imply, a more romantic or even eros- erotic, lustful- kind of partnership (I have yet to find someone describing their mother as eliciting magnetic sparks of charismatic desirability. Yet, obviously, SX individuals do bond with more than romantic or sexual interests. Obviously, something is wrong here in how SX may be advertised).

    Just like how SP does not mean that the person does not care for other people, or SOC doesn't mean that the person loves groups and would not be interested in marrying, I wonder about the view of relationships- general relationships, friends, family, or even with your pet- how it is viewed from an SX lens.

    How do you experience relationships in general if you are SX? What differs, and in what way do they differ from other instincts? How would you describe it? What makes it SX? How do you value them? What do you seek in and from these individuals?


    Subtypes - Enneagram Monthly

    Here is a simple site listing down what each variant is or isn't. You can refer to these if you do not know where or how to begin, and to provide yourself with more context of where and how these instincts may differ- your own views are also very much welcome, as well as agreements or disagreements with any point present in this site. You do not have to be sx- you may post your own observations and understandings. Anecdotes and internet sources are welcome. Adding more questions are also very very welcome.
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  2. #2
    Macabre Reputation Thestralis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Earl Grey View Post
    How do you experience relationships in general if you are SX? What differs, and in what way do they differ from other instincts? How would you describe it? What makes it SX? How do you value them? What do you seek in and from these individuals?
    That is a very odd site, and the views on the variants a bit skewed from what I usually see. Most descriptions I have read emphasize that sx is not about sex, or physical intimacy, or eroticism, or any of that, though some expressions of sexual intimacy fall under it.

    I should point out here that I am sx only second, so my experiences will be different from someone with sx first. My preference, my default, then, is always the sp option: keep my distance, be guarded and cautious, stay inside the walls. When I do venture out, though, it is generally for that one-on-one connection that sx represents, rather than the group camaraderie more associated with so. Group experiences are confusing, stressful, and draining, without providing much in return. What I see is at best the tip of many icebergs, but little glimpse of what lies deeper below. For that I need to spend time with someone one-on-one, or at least in a very small group, where we have time to talk and get to know each other on more than a superficial level.

    So, my relationships as an sp/sx tend to be mostly what I will call "professional". This includes not only relationships at work and in my career, but also those relationships we all have that are based on practical transactions, with people like store clerks, medical providers, landlords, etc. In fact, this is my default for everyone at first: I will deal with you in whatever way necessary to accomplish whatever business brings us together, then we go our separate ways. Yes, this applies even in purely social situations.

    Every so often, someone I am interacting with will say or do something that suggests we might have a similar approach to things, a similar way of thinking. I don't mean necessarily similar views or interests, or even that we agree on most things. It is more of a sense that we are on the same wavelength, that even if we disagree or do things differently, we will understand each other fairly readily, and enjoy discussing a similar spectrum of topics at greater depth. Such people are rare, and when I do find one, our conversations are what I have described as "mental flying", or as the feast after subsisting for months on water and granola bars. It may be possible to have this sort of interaction with multiple people at once, but it doesn't happen to me.

    So what I get from such people/relationships, and their value to me, is a feeling of being understood, and the opportunity to explore topics and ideas that most people aren't interested in, at a depth most people won't or can't support.
    They are quite gentle, really, but people avoid them because they are a bit . . . different.
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  3. #3
    Can't be satisfied. Peter Deadpan's Avatar
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    Sx wants to be able to plug into others and send sparks and shocks back and forth, romantically or otherwise. Neither individual can pick and choose who elicits reactions, meaning that it will either be there or it won't. Sx individuals are very picky about whom they like to share this exchange with and they use the elements of attraction and repulsion to control the dynamic. The second instinct will be used in support of the first, so an Sx/Sp type may stonewall those that don't interest them, whereas an Sx/So may use social dynamics to encourage the connections they want (like being obvious about the fact that they enjoy interacting with someone else more than you). Conversely, you can observe what they are blind to when they are rejecting someone. Is it the social dynamic including niceties or hierarchical expectations (Sx/Sp), or is it personal boundaries (Sx/So)?
    Perpetual mood


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  4. #4
    A Bittersweet Symphony... The Cat's Avatar
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    well now this just makes me wonder if im not SP
    I am the Cat who walks by himself; and all places are alike to me...

  5. #5
    Can't be satisfied. Peter Deadpan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Mysterious Stranger View Post
    well now this just makes me wonder if im not SP
    Many of my mental ramblings happen on the spot and aren't yet well fleshed out. Don't read too much into what I said, my intellectual wanderings are usually a work in progress.
    Perpetual mood


    "It is not the personality's task to tell the truth,
    but to seem to, try to, or try to seem to."


    Philip Trussell


  6. #6

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    Enneagram experts have differing opinions. But for a typology that's directive, this is problematic.

  7. #7
    Senior Member Venus Rose's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Earl Grey View Post
    I have read various posts, threads, articles, and whatnot of varying levels of accuracy in content that SX is love, lust, mating, partnership, consummation, finding 'the one', the 'soulmate', spark, magnetism, seduction, etc. Very often, these descriptions seem to very specifically describe, or at least imply, a more romantic or even eros- erotic, lustful- kind of partnership (I have yet to find someone describing their mother as eliciting magnetic sparks of charismatic desirability. Yet, obviously, SX individuals do bond with more than romantic or sexual interests. Obviously, something is wrong here in how SX may be advertised).

    Just like how SP does not mean that the person does not care for other people, or SOC doesn't mean that the person loves groups and would not be interested in marrying, I wonder about the view of relationships- general relationships, friends, family, or even with your pet- how it is viewed from an SX lens.

    How do you experience relationships in general if you are SX? What differs, and in what way do they differ from other instincts? How would you describe it? What makes it SX? How do you value them? What do you seek in and from these individuals?


    Subtypes - Enneagram Monthly

    Here is a simple site listing down what each variant is or isn't. You can refer to these if you do not know where or how to begin, and to provide yourself with more context of where and how these instincts may differ- your own views are also very much welcome, as well as agreements or disagreements with any point present in this site. You do not have to be sx- you may post your own observations and understandings. Anecdotes and internet sources are welcome. Adding more questions are also very very welcome.
    I personally see descriptions 'flowing out from' an inner subjectivity as unique and obviously very personal to the writer, though it need not be a unique feeling or experience per se; but still, I don't "argue" about someone's personal experience of X anything, because in my eyes, there isn't really anything to argue about...

    Since you were asking how "who is SX" personally approaches relationships and such, I am just going to answer from experience...I am not trying to argue what SX is or is not, and I personally really hate needless and cruel invalidation of what someone is trying to express, anyway.

    I have actually wondered if broken or 'damaged' attachment patterns (combined with 'temperamental inclinations' basically making for a passionate personality) might put SX at the forefront of...issues someone is fixated about. Or in other words, if it might make for a first or second strong fixated instinct. If, in fact, that situation would be most salient for SX compared to SO or SP...I have wondered about this of course, because I have a feeling based on what I have observed around me, and I also remember a youtuber mentioning SX first or second for those with attachment issues. Interestingly, I was speaking to a research mentor about attachment styles, and he mentioned that preoccupied (anxious) styles may display "scary" behaviors (not all of course, but I suppose some) such as stalking, clinginess in a scary way, basically what he described sounded a lot of unhealthy SX. Not that it "proves" anything but it's an interesting anecdote regardless.

    In general how do I experience relationships? I have avoidant attachment styles with everyone including friends, family, therapists. That is, they are very close to strangers for me but I am not so cold that I regard them as complete objects as a sociopath would; rather I feel 'sympathy' for them as you would a stranger, these relationships don't feel special and close as they would to a lot of other (securely attached) people. In those that I am attracted to, it flips (which according to two Psychologists is highly unlikely - but it is the case for me) and I become extremely anxious, as if I am bleeding and terrified again (psychologically). It can be very easily overwhelming, or even traumatic because I am deathly afraid that I am 'horrendously undesirable.' Not even necessarily in a physical way, but on a soul level or..something...I didn't even have the phrase for it before ("horrendously undesirable") - the experience is so awfully terrifying that I had no idea what was even happening, I could not process it. And I have had a long enough time too - so enneagram and the concept of SX certainly helped.
    I am not sure what my relationship would be like with a pet though, since I have never had one. I really liked my friend's pet dog though, several years back when I was her roommate. The dog was adorable and he would crawl underneath my blanket when I would come home and sit on bed. Very adorable. Nothing special stands out to me though.

    In what ways do they differ from other instincts? I will try to talk about SO first, since that is what I have more access to compared to SP. For me, SO shows up most obviously in interpersonal related "shame" and I don't mean the shame around desirability (well that can spill over into the other instincts too, but I am trying to differentiate what is essentially an emotion that can be connected to anything; besides "Social" actually initially originated the relational instinct acc. to Ichazo which is what was implied by the heart type strategies), but it's a more general sense of shame, of feeling "oh they are watching me and I feel embarrassed!" kind of 'meekness' (no negative judgment implied) that people sometimes refer to with regards to SO. Though, again meekness can be due to anything, it is important to determine the root. I am just trying to convey a specific feeling/emotional experience...and yes your MBTI/Socionics etc. will definitely impact how you experience and conceptualize...anything really. Including the instincts. So Social for me can show up interpersonally in that I may become shy around someone "new" and smile awkwardly/shyly all of this even doubly so, in fact I might get so scared of it going wrong I might just hide at times, in this specific situation - when it comes to people that I am attracted to. Otherwise generally speaking, sometimes I realize I am conscious of 'how I am being seen,' though it is not something that is neurotic or unhealthy and it's not something that overwhelms me or preoccupies me. But there are, momentarily, a few flickers of instances where I realize this in myself.
    What makes 'the experience' SX instead of something else? I am admittedly probably not a healthy case...so for me it is going to be biased. But Social to me need not be "Sexual," while SX is. I am not saying literally but there can be something SX-y about SX, I am not sure how to put it into words. The actual relationship need not be sexual though (I have an SX dom friend for instance who is aromantic and experiences all of the SX related obsession and torture around 'special friendships'). How do I value them? The relationships? A lot lol, I don't think I even have a choice there. It is terrifying and feels like I might be flayed, or ripped in half, if I don't get what I need/want.

    ...which is usually what happens anyway, and so I have built up a protective numb/apathy mechanism because I feel as if I am living in a constant 'trauma state' and I don't even realize how unhealthy and unusual this is. That this is not how it's "supposed to be"...but I have not known anything different.
    What do I seek from these individuals? Well given my SX heavy relationships are those where I like (am attracted to) someone, what I want is very straightforward - I want that 'nakedness'/intimacy. And what I want might become clearer too when I actually achieve it, or get close to it at least haha.

  8. #8
    Somber and irritated cascadeco's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Peter Deadpan View Post
    Sx wants to be able to plug into others and send sparks and shocks back and forth, romantically or otherwise. Neither individual can pick and choose who elicits reactions, meaning that it will either be there or it won't. Sx individuals are very picky about whom they like to share this exchange with and they use the elements of attraction and repulsion to control the dynamic. The second instinct will be used in support of the first, so an Sx/Sp type may stonewall those that don't interest them, whereas an Sx/So may use social dynamics to encourage the connections they want (like being obvious about the fact that they enjoy interacting with someone else more than you). Conversely, you can observe what they are blind to when they are rejecting someone. Is it the social dynamic including niceties or hierarchical expectations (Sx/Sp), or is it personal boundaries (Sx/So)?
    Can definitely identify with these patterns. I will totally stonewall / be really blank-faced with a lot of people; I will act completely opposite those I am truly drawn to.
    -----------------------
    I sure wish it happened more often because also as @Coriolis mentioned, 99% of the time I feel I am in a desert. The 1% rare spark is what I seek, and also tied to this quote, no, I can't outline a precise set of traits that cause this to occur, nor can I force it. It's either there pretty much the first few seconds of interaction or it is not. I am sure tied to romance it is tied to pheremones as well as probably a degree of complementary characteristics that can play off one another well; but that intangible 'chemistry' is something I can't easily pinpoint. Tied to friendships, I suppose it's just an easy flow and sync/understanding in conversation, shared understanding of the world or at least similar modes of viewing and processing and assessing; again, happens quite rarely, an effortless 'flow'. I'm just very much aware that, for example, it probably seems unfair (?) to observers or even people who might want to get closer to me who don't see or feel that spark when I'm interacting with them but who see it when I interact with other people.

    It is probably also why if 50 people who knew me or worked with me, who were customers, or who were my friends, were asked to describe me, I'd get potentially 50 different responses. I think it's partly sx (I'm really 'cold' to some people, for example if I dislike them strongly and am ok with them receiving that message, quite the opposite to others, neutral and probably boring/flat to a lot of others), and partly other things (a tendency to sometimes chameleon based on who I'm interacting with / playing up on commonalities vs highlighting opposition).

    Edit: Re my pets? I anthropomorphize them waaaaaay too much. They are my life companions.
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  9. #9
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    drive by until I interact one on one with someone to; everyone/thing else fades to the background and the space time continuum warps.

  10. #10
    👻 Ⓑ 👻 Ⓞ 👻 Ⓞ 👻 👻 👻 Luminous's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by phobik View Post
    drive by until I interact one on one with someone to; everyone/thing else fades to the background and the space time continuum warps.
    ✦ᏖᏒᎥᎮ ค ℓιɬɬℓɛ Ꮭıɠɧɬ ʄคŋɬคʂɬıƈ✦ -: ✦ :- ƒ O ᖇ G E ᗪ I ᑎ ƒ I ᖇ E ❋-: ✦ :-★ᴅᴏɴ'ᴛ ꜰᴇᴇᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴇʟꜱ★
    * ・゚ ・゚ * ⊱9w1✶S✶2w1✶X✶5w6⊰ * ・゚ ・゚ *
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