Wow thanks. I was just shooting that off on an empty stomach while feeling intense emotional distress over some legal things... Just writing to tell you I relate to your response weirdly.Don't apologize, you actually get it. I fear I've also gotten to (or on the edge of) being unable to connect and experience what it is I even want to experience (see signature quote).
Ok, you're talking to a reformed chocoholic here...don't laugh, I ate nothing but chocolate for 15 months one time and wound up with serious nutritional deficiencies that it's taken me years to work out. Then I started obsessing over vitamins. Then crystals. Then tantra. I guess those are some ways to be sensual in a healthier manner, although it's still some weird obsession I can't look away from, so it's not as though it's balanced. I'm just saying, options do exist.I'm trying very, very hard to get out here and there by myself and try new things, or to explore my own creativity, or be sensual in healthier ways (that probably sounds weird to most people, but I think that's why I drink... it's seductive and indulgent, so clearly I have a need for that in some form).
Actually I know your isolation. People didn't believe me either on PerC when I was there...that I had literally no friends, no family, no partner, nothing. That my social skills were that of a dirty gym sock. That I appear quite serious, taciturn, authoritative and grounded irl. Etc. "You have to get to know me". All my friends are in other countries. I have a boyfriend, and he's a controlling superficial asswipe that I'd prefer were not in my life at times. Emeshed in legal problems that will force me out of the house in a week. MALCONTENTS UNITE.But the level of isolation I am living with is unbelievable, and I don't think anyone understands that because people see Peter's online persona and sometimes vivacious/bold energy and erroneously assume that I am socially active and confident. I'm not, and I don't really want to be. All I want is 1 close friend and a boyfriend. My only close friend... we see each other like twice a year, and it's been brief. I'm single and don't want a boyfriend right now (I'm frankly not sure when I'll even be ready to open up like that to someone again, just too much trauma to sift through). I also have no family, and I cannot move away and start over elsewhere because I share custody of my children with my psycho (legitimately) ex-husband.
There's no (quality) free mental health care in America. There is in the UK, but alas I am losing my home here and must flee. So yep. Self-destruct before the world destroys you. It may be useful to find a practice you agree with and sign up for an online course. That would be my only advice.It's very difficult to not succumb to the temptations of self-destruction in one form or another. (Yes, I know I need therapy, and that's a whole other issue because of the lack of quality options here). Finding healthy and fulfilling replacements isn't simple.
In regards to sensuality, have you considered something like burlesque classes? Or massage classes?
I don't like to touch other people, lol. As for burlesque, I think I'm just too self-conscious. I also think that being in a group setting kind of destroys the experience for me in that sensuality is such a private thing.
As you know though, I've been working on some photography stuff, and I've rather enjoyed that. The options with it are endless, but for what I want as far as creative direction goes, it does require me to expose myself (figuratively and literally). While that is a little intimidating, I feel that it's the right way for me to jump off a cliff right now, and I'll be starting the Instagram account soon.
I think what the real issue here is two separate yet intertwined things: being unfulfilled, and being isolated. It's almost as if I want to build something grand out of nothing, no supplies. I can see what I want to build but starting from scratch with nothing and no one is frustrating and overwhelming, while reality is underwhelming.
I just have A LOT of personal issues, goals, and tasks right now. Maybe it's just easier being frustrated about it all than doing something about it all.
I hear you on this . It's almost like slamming into a wall. Its like I can't grasp anything solid for long I am constantly on uneven footing, I almost despise socializing but I still enjoy physical touch. I want to create too but I also feel like all my juice is gone and the places where they lived before have all dried up like running or writing. I can't find the juices flowing down my chin. So now I drink wine , eat an embarrassing amount of pizza and watch foreign films. It's like eat pray love with out all the happy parts lol.I don't like to touch other people, lol. As for burlesque, I think I'm just too self-conscious. I also think that being in a group setting kind of destroys the experience for me in that sensuality is such a private thing. As you know though, I've been working on some photography stuff, and I've rather enjoyed that. The options with it are endless, but for what I want as far as creative direction goes, it does require me to expose myself (figuratively and literally). While that is a little intimidating, I feel that it's the right way for me to jump off a cliff right now, and I'll be starting the Instagram account soon. I think what the real issue here is two separate yet intertwined things: being unfulfilled, and being isolated. It's almost as if I want to build something grand out of nothing, no supplies. I can see what I want to build but starting from scratch with nothing and no one is frustrating and overwhelming, while reality is underwhelming. I just have A LOT of personal issues, goals, and tasks right now. Maybe it's just easier being frustrated about it all than doing something about it all.
I hear you on this . It's almost like slamming into a wall. Its like I can't grasp anything solid for long I am constantly on uneven footing, I almost despise socializing but I still enjoy physical touch. I want to create too but I also feel like all my juice is gone and the places where they lived before have all dried up like running or writing. I can't find the juices flowing down my chin. So now I drink wine , eat an embarrassing amount of pizza and watch foreign films. It's like eat pray love with out all the happy parts lol.
Same but definitely without the praying. (Haven't seen the movie)
Adulting is stupid.
If your adulting includes a yacht and villa, you need to invite us all over for those parties!
I'm a simple man.
Maybe you've already thought of this, but would you consider taking a class in a subject area that interests you? I know that can get expensive, but it would be a way to get out of the house, engage your interests, and may also be a low-pressure way to meet new people.
volunteer to help the needy
I'm stubborn in that I find excuses not to try something different.
Found the problem.
That was specifically in reference to consuming alcohol