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Be Rude, It May Save Your Life

Lark

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Jun 21, 2009
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The thing about this is that I can think of a ton of situations in which it really wouldnt work, situational awareness, sure, world wariness, yup, flat out walking dead cynicism, hey, everyone's got their own bag, but if you're rude to the wrong people they are going to take you out were you stand.

I heard tell of the case of some kid who was himself probably a hard case or from a pretty mean background, he gave the normal level of abuse he would to most people to someone who was actually connected who I think did the usual "Do you know who I am?" routine, they didnt care, deployed normal rudeness, would up dead, killed by a train while running from people was the official account, shoe got caught in the tracks but I'm not sure about that.

The closing scenes of Ozark (great show, no spoilers) are pretty much about that, so were some great scenes from Breaking Bad, and dont get me wrong, exaggerated politeness in the wrong situations will be construed as weakness and likely invite confrontation or aggression too, I've known some pretty low characters who have been quick to act like that too when they actually want someone to make a false move and permit them to act violently themselves aswell.

So, I think its a more complex picture than the title of the thread could lead you to believe, although equally its a good point. I think the world is pretty fucked up that its this way and instead of arguing about whether or not every butcher, baker and candlestick maker will adopt your niche identity politics it should be the change agenda people think about instead.
 

LucieCat

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It is really hard. Other people have agreed with my observation that, at least in American culture, women are raised to be accommodating and not come across as rude. I tend to over apologize if anything. If asked why, I chalk it up to the fact I was raised to be a polite individual.

Though if I'm declining something, I can usually make it seem polite enough that I feel comfortable.

And safety always comes first. Of course, I feel relatively safe around strangers for whatever reason. I tend to assume people are good until they prove otherwise. This has its positives and negatives. And sometimes situation can dictate how you feel around strangers. As a kid, my mom always told me that if I got lost, to find a family with children to help me. Even now, I tend to feel more comfortable with strangers if they have family with them.
Age is also a factor. I am not going to be instinctively feel unsafe around young children or the elderly.
 

Metis

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May 2, 2008
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All I can say is, if I have that sense when someone isn't showing any direct physical threat or aren't crossing any immediate boundaries?

I listen to that real fast. I don't question it.

I need to be more like you in this.

Health and fitness ? Seriously !?

Granted, it's more interdisciplinary than "How can I learn to do proper push-ups?," but it's usually the Physical Education/Kinesiology department that offers women's self-defense courses, for example. Categorization in Health & Fitness makes enough sense to me, in the absence of a dedicated Survival Skills subforum. It's about not getting injured or killed, so... health and fitness, pared down to the essentials. :)

When I first started busking, I was unprepared for some things (...) Over time, I learned that with a bit of self scripting ahead of time, I could very firmly establish boundaries while still remaining pleasant. (...) It was a valuable experience, both in realizing that gut feelings are usually right, and in learning how to become appropriately assertive when people are rude enough to violate the basic standards of how to interact.

That's a great story!

I think its a more complex picture than the title of the thread could lead you to believe, although equally its a good point.

It is more complex, and it's not that it's productive to go around being rude in and of itself. The problem is that people think too many things are rude that are really just frank and straightforward. Like in MDP2525's examples, it's not rude to keep the door locked or to make sure the car leaves ahead of you. Those are just ways of doing your due diligence.

It's also not necessary, I think, to think of it as rude when you reply, "No" or "I'm not interested," or just shake your head "no" when approached, to make a person know that you don't want to talk to him/her. Often times, people think that such a short response seems too curt, and they feel obligated to go overboard with unnecessary etiquette in a situation like that, and say, "Oh, thank you so much for offering (to sell me drugs), but no, I don't think that would be good for me," and so on. It's often fine just to blow the person off with a quick "No" and an unwelcoming expression. It doesn't mean that you're going to pick a fight with him/her. But to some people, it still feels rude.

On the other hand, there are times when it's helpful to give the person the impression that you're potentially a loose cannon that might go off and ruin their day. That has its place too. But you're taking a gamble that the person's going to respond in a more self-preserving way vs. retaliating like in the example you gave.

As a kid, my mom always told me that if I got lost, to find a family with children to help me. Even now, I tend to feel more comfortable with strangers if they have family with them.

I like that suggestion. Good idea; thanks! I might pass that one on to kids I know.
 

ChocolateMoose123

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@Metris only because I’ve had real negative consequences from not doing so. Nothing like an I told you so from yourself to take a lesson to heart and apply it. ;) The respondents feelings are a moot point. Sure. I’m never rude. I think one can be very firm without being rude. Although, people take it as the same. That’s on them.

I’m not putting myself out there to make anyone feel at ease (baby step them into accepting my answer while simultaneously going for the win/win of hoping he doesn’t think I’m a bitch. That is wasted energy.) Their unease is built around social niceties or fear of rejection and they aren’t thinking of personal safety or what we deal with on the regular. They are seeing it through their eyes. Rightly so. These risks are not equal so my response doesn’t have to be. I would hope more guys just let that be water off their backs. It’s not really personal at all to women. It’s just part of being one.
 

kyuuei

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The article does a great job of trying to work with societal standards... the reality is, women need to differentiate 'rude' with 'assertive' and 'self-preservation'... and many lump them all together. The latter two trump the first, and we've been taught they're all equal somehow. Instead of trying to separate them, let's go with what people know and make it work for them.

This always reminds me for some reason of the concept of passive aggressive people putting you in a situation where you KNOW they're being shitty, and salting it in a joke so that if you take it "wrong" you're the bad guy when they're clearly just trying to shit on you. You feel like there's no good way out--because there isn't. I say, embrace it instead. If there's no good way out, instead take the way where that person isn't going to come at you anymore with that shit.

I think to find your own flavor of rude counts. For me, being brash and calling people out works well for me... but for others, it really wouldn't. But that doesn't mean you can't find your own flavor and rock that.

Taking the poster earlier that said, "Have a nice day!" and walked away... it is TECHNICALLY a form of rudeness upfront.. but really, it is their own flavor of rude, and it works for their personality. Everyone needs to find their own niche and slowly push the bounardies of comfort in it.

Some ways to be 'rude' to the REAL rude people:
- Tell them politely, "Are you cornering me right now?" or "I am visibly uncomfortable if you couldn't tell."
- Don't apologize.
- Don't step back or to the side when they step closer. Make eye contact. (Note: this is not as effective sometimes when the advances are sexual in nature..)
- Call a friend over. People tend to change their tune when there's witnesses. Better yet, tell someone in advance if someone repeatedly gives you issues so they can come over unannounced. Friends are the backbone of our society.. use them.
- When someone says, "You're cold" or "you're bitchy" or something to that effect, play into it as a strength. They're feeling rejected--which is good. Don't argue it. "If being bitchy means telling you that I don't like you touching my arm, then I'll be bitchy till the day I die."
- Be overly professional. Sometimes that cold professional wall will off put people in the work place.
- Take a moment to not care about what that person will think. Predators know every skeezy trick in the book. If someone is trying to get you to their house alone, do ANYTHING no matter how dramatic to get that to NOT happen. People who know you won't judge you.. and a moment of not wanting to be rude and declining a seemingly nice offer could turn into trouble.
- Don't forget your basic safety tactics. Women aren't the only ones not safe walking around alone... Everyone is! Get a friend, a neighbor, a partner... set up a text relay or something, a code word... anything. Having basic safety mechanisms can save a lot of face.
- Don't tip-toe sexual situations. A lot of people want to laugh at a joke, or brush off a situation, when they KNOW a dude is scoping them out to see how much they can get away with... Shut it down. Right then. Every time. If you aren't sure if you're attracted to it or not, that's one thing.. but if you know nothing from them is welcomed, just say, "Hey, I don't joke around like that." or "Look, that what you did there? Not cool. Not going to happen again." "Look, I joke with SOME people like that.. You are not one of those people."
- Be overly polite! Sometimes that really can work and be off putting in the right way.
- Stare quietly. Sometimes nothing makes people more uncomfortable than silence and a judgy stare.
- Take your space. If someone is constantly getting in your bubble, take it back, or at least call them out for kicking you out of yours.
- Remind them of their mothers or sisters or daughters. "Excuse me sir... if someone was doing this to your mother right now, how would it look to you?" A little bit of empathy sometimes works.
- Don't be afraid to put an actual complaint into HR at work. Seriously. Too many people don't and assume because they don't hear about it that it gets swept under the rug. One complaint might not do TOO much... but if 10 complaints were never filed, that dude's staying around a lot longer than he should.. and the company could get exposed for keeping them under the rug if so. Be squeaky.

I'm sure there are a million others for various situations.
 
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