Basic information you need to know just to be in touch is similar to what you would pursue with an adult you are close to. This not only informs you of what kinds of people, influences, feelings, and events populate her day, but it also gives you enough information to know how to protect her and what she needs provided for her. This would include:
- Who her friends are, and a few distinguishing facts about them, how long she's known them and so on.
- What subjects she takes and who her teachers are. Which of those teachers does she like/dislike or why? Does she feel successful? If not, what is it that she's having trouble with?
- What she prefers to do after school, sports she's in (who coach is, other kids on team, what position she plays), what after school activities or clubs she may be in etc.
- Who would she go to when something important (sad or happy) happens? Is there anyone? Why them?
Be patient and prepared to be in there for the long haul Obviously, this is information that you will not get just by sitting down and having a couple of talks, asking direct questions. This is the kind of stuff that happens from sitting on the edge of her bed before she goes to sleep visiting, or if she's sitting around before supper is ready or before the dishes have been cleared (assuming anyone eats together - if they don't that probably should change, as it is a time not just of physical nourishment, but emotional nourishment), what she says right after she comes home from school etc. If you are hearing nothing, that's a sign that she doesn't think you're interested or she has other people doing the listening (via computer or cell or peers) or she has no one. Think about the personal stuff that comes up on here - most of it is openly disclosed, but it has happened over time and in the context of people sharing information about themselves first, or discussing thoughts and opinions openly with other people. You have to share information and also ask questions and spend time together before this kind of stuff comes out and you can connect. Once she starts talking, you will probably have to listen to a lot of drivel too before you get to the good stuff! She'll love you for it though. Healthy children are "noisy" children. A lot of people assume that because they do not hear about or are not bothered with their children's problems that nothing is wrong. In reality, nothing is further from the truth. If your child is healthy and talking, you will know what is upsetting them and hear all about it regularly!
You need activities where you are going about your normal work or routines, which could include her. Activities together like driving, playing ping poing or some other game in the evening, doing a job together, washing dishes together etc are ways of connecting in a non-pointed manner. Deep talking may happen, or it may not, but it will log time spent together that will open the way for more talking later. Often discussion results, without it being contrived, and people get closer and understand each other better any time they spend with one another.
She may not be interested in spending time with you at first, but if so, persist! If she seems angry at first, just continue being kind and dodge the bullets. Rather than using head to head confrontation times to straighten things out, see them as sources of additional information to inform your future course of action and then discuss in the off times once those emotions have been discharged. Just as small children resist going to bed or doing other routines that are important to their overall well-being, she may also resist spending time together, particularly if her friends aren't doing that. Smart parents do not cave into a three years old's demands, because they know that ultimately it will have a very detrimental effect on the child. Therefore, older children also need the benefit of your foresight to what will best benefit their emotional health. An important caveat though is that if there is resentment, alienation or anger, you need to allow her to address that and still invite her to be in your presence when she says things that make you feel angry, guilty or that you think are unfair. She needs to deal with that before she is going to enjoy spending time with you. Ride out the storm. Also, no one likes doing things that they are not good at or are unsure of how to go about doing. You need to lead the way in your interactions. As she becomes more comfortable and re-acquaints herself with you, she will also be more open to spending time together.
Schedule her time, including her in your activities, interests and work. Having nothing to do, usually gives time to get into trouble or to brood on negative thoughts or feelings. This means having a balance of some responsibilities around the house (preferably that you work on together), getting school work done well (with you checking it over or helping her through the process), and thinking ahead to several other positive options that she could do. Things like you reading a good book aloud is a way to spend time together and create memories and use her evening positively, even if it is only 15 minutes at a shot, playing a game together, stock the house with the kinds of things you'd like her to be exposed to, find good people that you want her to know better or learn something from, have her get involved in a sport/playing a musical instrument/dance etc where she will learn confidence, have time daily taken up in getting better at the skill, and she learns to take instruction from more people than yourself. Get her involved with extended family if they live nearby, if there are good people who will care about her and who are safe. Have newspapers around to read. Work on a project together like building something, fixing something, painting etc, which not only improves your surroundings, but it gives her some ownership and a sense of identity and skill development while spending time with you. Go for walks or bikerides (physical activity and exercise, plus relationship building). Work out together. A lot of these things are things that you need to do anyway.
Limit her screen time - she needs real relationship and real skills. Screen time is going to interfere with this and also leaves it up to her to provide for her own needs. She also learns to relate in a passive way, being stimulated by an external factor, rather than learning to generate her own thoughts and ideas that will entertain and develop her.
Include her in your life rather than having a life with your partner and leaving her to the periphery of that with what friends she can cobble up. The same principles that allow you to become close to a partner or a friend are the same ones that will allow her to open up to you. Don't ask her what she wants you to do, but rather do as a significant other does - make nice plans (not spoiling, but taking needs into account) together, get to know her likes and dislikes, build traditions together (make pizza on Thursdays or have a show you always watch together or go out or have a certain activity planned together regularly so that she knows that there is always time budgeted for her), surprise her occasionally with some kind of treat, pay attention to verbal and non-verbal cues etc. This will make her feel that you actually do care about what she has to say, rather than that you are just trying to avert an inconvenient problem to you. Let her talk a lot and let it inform you if it is negative, without taking it personally. Just as an angry girlfriend will have plenty to say when she is upset initially, if you allow her to talk it out and also show that she is important to you, she becomes an pleasant and easy person to spend time around. If there is stuffed down anger that has not been expressed, you may need to make her feel safe to express that so that you can disinfect the wound and get on with it healing! Again, health usually equals noise.
Expose her to many different experiences and the skills/scripting needed to be successful in them. Confidence often comes from becoming comfortable in a wide variety of situations and contexts. If you are going to get gas, show her how to pump it or draw attention to how you would use a debit card or visa card when paying. Post a package together so she knows what you would say to the person. If you go somewhere, show her how to read a map. Script her with how you would ask directions to a certain place. Show her where you can go on the internet to look up an address or phone number. Talk about different scenarios and how a person could handle them in different ways and what they could say. Model what you'd say to a sales person if they ask you if they can help and then script her and have her do it. Have company over and show her how to serve a guest or what her part is in being a part of the conversation without dominating or avoiding it altogether. Show her how to cook a few basic dishes. Show her how to a set a table. Talk about why they put on extra cutlery in formal settings and what it's for. In short, orient her to her world.
Assess the situation, as a doctor would. What are her symptoms and what is the prescription for them? In particular, I would recommend paying attention to the following, in your quest to orient her to her world and make her confident. Most parents avoid social situations that highlight their child's deficiencies, as well as situations that do. Children need MORE practice and modelling rather than less if they are having problems relating to other people or being successful in a variety of contexts outside of what they are most familiar with.
Learning happens in four stages:
1) Watching something being done.
2) Doing it with help.
3) Doing it without assistance.
4) Teaching someone else how to do it.
For the different things you do together, mentally note where she's at in this process. Each stage in this process may involve several levels of adult involvement (checking after a job is done, remaining present for support, etc)
Children need boundaries and provision. You know how small children get into trouble or danger if you do not think ahead and present them with good options? That doesn't mean that they need constant entertainment, but you need things like books and playdoh and blocks and that sort of thing to present to them when they are done with the last thing. They also need routines for how to clean up, and modelling and scripting for how to relate to other people, and ideas for how they could play with something. As adults we do this very naturally with small children, but we forget to as children get older and need that even more. There needs to be age appropriate activities ready for her, along with the adult guidance, routines, directions and modelling for how to use them.
You can provide her with the security she needs! It is tremendously safe feeling when someone not only takes the time to do this, but also has had the forethought to anticipate one's needs. (Think about how much more freedom a girlfriend will give you to spend time with friends if she knows that you already are carving out predictable time on a regular basis for her). Then the person does not need to fight to make sure their needs are met (and become either clingy or rebellious or annoying in the process!). When a child is sure that all their needs will be met and they are receiving even more provision than they are requesting, they want to try their wings a bit and become more independent and self-generating of ideas and thoughts rather than either clinging to or fighting you.
They also are then able to accept provision, which then allows them to focus on giving provision to someone else (like a younger sibling, an elderly person who needs their help, a small child, a pet, an adult who requests their assistance, etc). They have extra resources left over to give. This makes them much more enjoyable to live with and ensures that their future relationships will be considerably healthier.
More importantly than anything, this girl needs a sense of identity built through knowing that there are secure boundaries for her, and someone who is looking out for her needs before she even thinks of them. If you can do that for her, you will have given her the greatest gift possible in the world and made a valuable friend who will be a rich addition to your life long after she leaves home.
Great advices. Yes, talking about suicide should be taken seriously. The fact that she's even commenting on stuff like that should already be warning signs for anyone. Whether jokingly or not, it still crossed her mind.
