I'm pretty okay with food. I mean aside from how I used to (and sometimes still do) abuse it to release emotions/ED stuff etc. I used to binge and purge thousands upon thousands of calories of food 3 to 5 times a day every day for weeks at a time. I would say this is more related to my mental/body image/how I view myself as a part of society issue than a me vs. food relationship issue though. It's hard to say because on one hand my body and reactions to food are pretty much normal if I want them to be imo, but on the other hand food represents certain things in my life - though what these things are I am not exactly certain about. So I have/do sometimes use food as an indirect way to express myself. I remember there was a point in my life where I admitted to my counselor that purging felt better than crying. How often do you come across something in life that seems like it could function like a "rewind button" for your actions? It's like how people wash their hands after doing something they feel guilty about, as if to wash away their inner feelings of disgust by outwardly washing dirt away. It also represents a "taboo" - wasting food, overeating, making yourself puke, hurting yourself - these are all things people discourage you from doing. And when you do it, it sort of makes you feel like you're breaking free from these expectations and recommendations to you from others. It is also a way to divert your attention from other forms of pain that you are feeling, to be able to focus on the physical pain. It's like any other addiction that you know destroys you every time you engage in it - cutting, stealing, overgambling, alcohol abuse. You get a rush from doing it, but the feeling you get, the addiction - it's not part of who you are. It reflects a part of how you function and respond to your environment, but I would not consider it an innate part of one's personality.
My food allergies/complications:
MSG, and aspartame if in large enough amounts (for example a piece of gum won't but a bottle of diet coke will) give me severe headaches for the rest of the day and diarrhea as well. If I eat ground hamburger-style of processed beef, I will immediately become very nauseous and proceed to vomit AND/OR have hours of painful diarrhea if I choose to ingest it. I can eat steak and normal sliced beef no problem, but for some reason even hamburger patties from high-end restaurants have this effect on me. This also happens to me if I eat hotdog-type pork, but to a bit of a lesser degree. In general however I am not a fan of pork because I dislike the way it smells, and I especially hate bacon because it looks like scabs to me. I am not extremely lactose intolerant, and sometimes I accidentally or once in a while decide to eat dairy. But in general I tend to avoid it because it makes me FART LIKE CRAZY, and these farts smell really reallllly bad. It also makes me bloat and have gastrointestinal pain. If I drink dairy on an empty stomach I will feel absolutely awful. It won't make me vomit, but drinking dairy does make me a bit nauseated. Like if I would have the need to make myself vomit, I would just drink dairy. Also eating dairy makes my lips, mouth, and throat itchy, and my throat gets kinda phlegmy from it. So for a nice dairy substitute I use almond milk... doesn't always work out in some food combinations though, but whatever - I mostly just make cafe au lait with it lol. My mom being azn usually keeps soy milk in the fridge, but she only likes sweetened soy which I find too sweet, so I don't drink it very often.
I will tend to dislike anything that is overly sweet, salty, oily, or flavourful. Small amounts once in a blue moon are nice, but I'll feel unwell if it's more than very rarely. To me the food that I am most comfortable/satisfied with, the kind I find most "clean" and "pure" to me is home-cooked HK-style Chinese food, or Korean food. In general if I stay and live with people I love who have a certain kind of home cooking, I will consider that food to be sacred to me almost. These are the foods of quality that I don't get to have very often anymore, which remind me of spending time with those I cherish. It is more than just food - it represents something. It holds a place in my heart. Also, eating can be more or less enjoyable depending on the circumstances. Eating dimsum always tastes the best if I eat it with my grandparents! Also, I enjoy cooking and experimenting with new foods.
At the moment, I am trying to not eat any dairy, or any meat except for fish. Except for non-starchy vegetables which I eat without limit, I aim to restrict myself to on average about 400 calories each day. But I would say I eat AT LEAST 10 servings of vegetables (mostly dark leafy green, or yams, carrots, squash, or onion-type things) every day to make up for this restriction and avoid hunger. I try to avoid grain-based foods. Lately I have become addicted to instant coffee, which I take with a dash of almond milk and cinnamon. I also drink quite a bit of green tea as my mom always keeps a couple types stocked in the pantry.
Whether others consider this to be healthy or not is irrelevant to me. And yes I do want to lose weight. I have a BMI of 20 but I would like to lose 5 to 10 lbs.
I am and always have been in the normal body weight range, although I was a bit chubbier as a kid than I am now. Yes, I was bullied by skinny asian kids when I was younger, and yes it does affect how I think now and I obviously haven't totally gotten over it.
My current taste in food is unhealthy and spicy. Okay, I like fruit, but I hate vegetables, they taste and feel like plastic (however, I do like spinach, that has a taste). Maybe my parents haven't pushed me enough to eat new things (when I have kids I'll feed them they're vegetables strapped to their seats and with a chute down their throats). I mean, come on, plain haricot verts? They taste like nothing and they make this squeeky noise when you chew them, yuck! And err, most other vegetables taste too sweet for me, paprikas and carrots for example. I hate it when things are too sweet. So, I'm probably going to die young and my teeth will probably have fallen out by the time I'm thirty. And now that I think of it, I haven't had lunch and breakfast today. Oh well, one thing is sure, we're all going to die one day. Better spend it on something you like than on something you dislike. I'd rather die at 25 and eat whatever I want than die at 100 and eat healthy.
