Arthritis: I have to be sympathetic to Mom

[edward the confessor]

My mom has a lot of chronic pain issues. She walks slowly and with a cane, and she's only 54.

25 years ago -- in her late twenties -- she lunged with her squash racquet for a shot that she will be feeling for the rest of her life. That's the issue of the soft tissue. In a somewhat unrelated but progressively worsening twist, she has arthritis, and is probably a few months away from getting a hip replacement. I guess I need to know what to expect from this too.

I guess this is an open prayer for her and for our family. My Fe is reasonably high, but I wish it could be higher at moments like these. Fi alone risks making a person in brat in these situations. I wish for more sympathy when empathy fails me. We haven't had words or anything, but I don't want to be impatient with her when she's telling me "do this", "do that" without the "please"s that we're all used to.

Grant me patience.

 

[Fluffywolf]

Talk to her about it.

Ofcourse this is hard on her. But it's also hard on you all, and she no doubt realizes that. Not wanting to be dependant on other people.

Assure her that, despite it's naturally hard at times. It is what you want to do. And wether you mother likes it or not, she's gonna get that empathy and help.

I've found that talking to each other in such situations in this way helps a lot and cheers up the dampening moods quite a bit as well. The patience comes naturally after that.

 

[edward the confessor]

Thanks fluffy. That was a thoughtful post.

I actually worked on her back last night and today -- and did some tiny things around the house -- apparently both were very helpful, so we both feel better. Every day's gonna be a little different.

I'm all for the surgery if it will give her a better quality of life. But this is made up of smaller decisions too.

 

[PeaceBaby]

Your awareness is already going to help a great deal. In the middle of helping your mom, be sure to do small things for yourself as well, to help take care of your Fi. And I think doing things together, like watching a fun movie or just spending time doing small things to make life a little easier will be appreciated and not go unnoticed.

Sending you tons of

 

[Atomic Fiend]

My mom has a lot of chronic pain issues. She walks slowly and with a cane, and she's only 54.

25 years ago -- in her late twenties -- she lunged with her squash racquet for a shot that she will be feeling for the rest of her life. That's the issue of the soft tissue. In a somewhat unrelated but progressively worsening twist, she has arthritis, and is probably a few months away from getting a hip replacement. I guess I need to know what to expect from this too.

I guess this is an open prayer for her and for our family. My Fe is reasonably high, but I wish it could be higher at moments like these. Fi alone risks making a person in brat in these situations. I wish for more sympathy when empathy fails me. We haven't had words or anything, but I don't want to be impatient with her when she's telling me "do this", "do that" without the "please"s that we're all used to.

Grant me patience.

I doubt it's your Fi, taking care of sick parent is TIRING. You can't be there all the time for them, I suppose all you can do really is try. Good luck with all of that though.

 

[LadyJaye]

As a person in chronic pain, and also having taken care of others who have chronic illness, I think I see both sides. It's horrible being in pain - it's tiring and frustrating, and knowing what you have to look forward to each morning can be deflating and relentless. Know that pain can make people behave in ways they wouldn't normally - being crabby and short, and saying things they really don't mean. It's not a state of being our bodies were meant to live in for a long time, without consequence. It is important to be patient, or to at least not react on the urge to yell. Believe me, I understand wanting to have an outburst when I'm trying to take care of someone and all they're giving back to me is attitude, or more requests. And do cut yourself some slack when you do feel impatient. It's not the feelings that are the important part - it's how you choose to act. Some days you are going to resent it. You're human. The important thing is to not funnel the resentment and impatience off on your mother, who is in no position to help the situation.

Man, I'm trying to say this without sounding trite or preachy. *sigh* I hope it helps.

 

[edward the confessor]

It's okay. You've all helped, believe me. I mostly needed to put it out there, mostly because I'm just starting to feel the consequences of (and real sympathy for) her illness. She still has a great deal of independence, she just does everything slower. And she would very much like a bungalow instead of stairs. I mean, my aunt changed most of my grandmother's diapers AND arranged for nurses by day so that she could keep working full-time. They did this dance for an entire decade. That's WAY different than our current dynamic. *knocks wood*

 

[LadyJaye]

It's okay. You've all helped, believe me. I mostly needed to put it out there, mostly because I'm just starting to feel the consequences of (and real sympathy for) her illness. She still has a great deal of independence, she just does everything slower. And she would very much like a bungalow instead of stairs. I mean, my aunt changed most of my grandmother's diapers AND arranged for nurses by day so that she could keep working full-time. They did this dance for an entire decade. That's WAY different than our current dynamic. *knocks wood*

Caretaking is a tremendous thing. It makes you feel depths of love and misery that can be hard to deal with. Pink and I take care of a parent on a daily basis, and it really does tear at us sometimes - I love them so much, and hate that they're in a position where I have to take care of them at all. I'm glad you're committed to being there for her. It's a brave and loving thing you're doing for her.