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Introverts! How have you developed your social skills overtime?

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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I understand. Why be so secretive though? What's the point?
I look at it from the other side: what is the point of sharing? If there is nothing worthwhile to be gained, I keep it to myself. I suppose it all comes down to what your default is.
 

Maou

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That's the problem, though, if it's even fair to call it that. I don't have an interest in most people, most of the time. I don't care about their son, or their job, or what kind of coffee they like. Sure, I can fake it, but it feels fake and is fake. I am pretending to be someone I am not.

When I do take an interest in someone, it is because I think they can help me somehow, or I can help them. There is a purpose to it, and an obvious way one or both of us might benefit. This can include learning about a topic I don't know much about, getting (or giving) advice about something, offering to pitch in when there is something I can do, etc. The rest is idle chatter with little benefit to anyone.

I get not wanting to share, and it is none of people's business. But for me, there came a time when I realized that I was going to die, and that I had nothing but what I had built for myself, and no one to share it with.

I look at it from the other side: what is the point of sharing? If there is nothing worthwhile to be gained, I keep it to myself. I suppose it all comes down to what your default is.

You only live once, why not try everything before you die.
 

Tilt

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What do you do when the person expects you to talk about yourself? s_s

I deflect the conversation back on them...it's gotten the point where I know the nitty gritty of their issues and they are left wondering why there seems to be a disconnect. :peepwall:
 

Tilt

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That's the problem, though, if it's even fair to call it that. I don't have an interest in most people, most of the time. I don't care about their son, or their job, or what kind of coffee they like. Sure, I can fake it, but it feels fake and is fake. I am pretending to be someone I am not.

When I do take an interest in someone, it is because I think they can help me somehow, or I can help them. There is a purpose to it, and an obvious way one or both of us might benefit. This can include learning about a topic I don't know much about, getting (or giving) advice about something, offering to pitch in when there is something I can do, etc. The rest is idle chatter with little benefit to anyone.

All this right here convinces me of the 5w6 in my tritype. I view relationships/information in a very transactional manner. There is always some purpose. I struggle most with people who like to tell me a play by play of their life. I sort of kind of want to care, but truth to be told, I usually feel apathy.
 

citizen cane

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With repeated failure and occasional successes.
 

highlander

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I look at it from the other side: what is the point of sharing? If there is nothing worthwhile to be gained, I keep it to myself. I suppose it all comes down to what your default is.

This presupposes that you know whether there is or isn't something to be gained. How can you possibly know? I can be on guard with people, so I know the feeling but it's not a default.
 
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Observation. Years of observation. When you tend not to interact with people but you’re surrounded by them most of the time and you’re adept at noticing patterns- it’s inevitable that you’ll walk away with some insight. I know how the game is played even if I tend to seldom enjoy it. It’s just so much less exhausting to be myself and that doesn’t require other people.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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You only live once, why not try everything before you die.
Try, as a one-time experience? Sure, but not as a lifetime habit or default approach.

This presupposes that you know whether there is or isn't something to be gained. How can you possibly know? I can be on guard with people, so I know the feeling but it's not a default.
Well, usually I know at least a little bit about someone when I am in a position to chat informally. I am excluding brief utilitarian exchanges with people like grocery store clerks or doctors' receptionists. I might know where they are from, or what they do for work, or perhaps some hobby they have. I know this from what others say about then, or in many professional settings, from formal introductions or even just their name tag which probably lists their company. Chatting briefly without revealing anything personal also gives them the chance to do the reverse: to ask me about something they have heard I do or know. I might start by asking how they got their information, but am usually happy to help someone out with details on something specific. As we discuss that, I might become aware of something I would like to learn from them as well. So, as [MENTION=26163]Consilience[/MENTION] said, it is fairly transactional, but usually gently so.
 

The Cat

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Try, as a one-time experience? Sure, but not as a lifetime habit or default approach.


Well, usually I know at least a little bit about someone when I am in a position to chat informally. I am excluding brief utilitarian exchanges with people like grocery store clerks or doctors' receptionists. I might know where they are from, or what they do for work, or perhaps some hobby they have. I know this from what others say about then, or in many professional settings, from formal introductions or even just their name tag which probably lists their company. Chatting briefly without revealing anything personal also gives them the chance to do the reverse: to ask me about something they have heard I do or know. I might start by asking how they got their information, but am usually happy to help someone out with details on something specific. As we discuss that, I might become aware of something I would like to learn from them as well. So, as @Consilience said, it is fairly transactional, but usually gently so.

You sound like my good friend. :) Who brags his only lifetime habit is breathing, and he's confident one day, science will find a way to cure that. Other than the one way we've already got.
 

prplchknz

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Honestly, though people say i'm awkard AF I just put myself out there. and then i go hide after i'm done and don't answer my phone
 

LightSun

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I myself do not tend to connect to people to closely. I really don’t keep close knit friends. I am the true introvert. A description of the NT was, “An NT is as an analogy enclosed in an ivory tower of introspection filled with abstract thoughts and seemingly surrounded by a sea of aliens.” I’ve always felt this way though I am an INFP.

I do not engage in superficial shooting the breeze as it were. This would truly bore me. What is more I would have the need to recharge my batteries when I got home. This is one aspect of my being. At home I am somewhat like a hermit. In the public arena however whether at school or in a professional environment I tend to stand up and be elected as spokesperson for a group.

I do have strengths in both interpersonal intelligence as well intra-personal intelligence. I am comfortable as being the public spokesperson. I have a natural innate gift for being a facilitator of groups. Empathy will come into play and I connect with group members.

A key is the group I am a part of has to have guidance, a task or mission and end result. I am ardently a proponent of authenticity and transparency. Therefore I share my inner world filled by feelings, thoughts and beliefs. I like to engage in deep discussions. In my educational experience I enjoyed an experiential learning environment. In this type of atmosphere we sat in a circle and did interactive learning of counseling skill skills.

My primary interaction in a public vein is over the net. I find like minded souls and set up Note’s in which we discuss deep topics. It is my belief that one way of growth is to freely and honestly share what we think, feel and believe with other like minded individuals.

We reflect on our feedback and re-evaluate our system of belief’s. It is by through my own gift of insight that I reach down and develop keen insight’s through these interaction’s. Being INFP I have a metaphorical style in my writing. So in public I am friendly as well charismatic.
 

Coriolis

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I myself do not tend to connect to people to closely. I really don’t keep close knit friends. I am the true introvert. A description of the NT was, “An NT is as an analogy enclosed in an ivory tower of introspection filled with abstract thoughts and seemingly surrounded by a sea of aliens.” I’ve always felt this way though I am an INFP.
I relate especially to the part about aliens. I think NTJs at least are more likely to step out of the tower as we place more value on actually realizing (implementing) our ideas. Perhaps it is similar for NFJs.

I do not engage in superficial shooting the breeze as it were. This would truly bore me. What is more I would have the need to recharge my batteries when I got home. This is one aspect of my being. At home I am somewhat like a hermit. In the public arena however whether at school or in a professional environment I tend to stand up and be elected as spokesperson for a group.
I can enjoy witty banter for awhile, but then it becomes tiring. Other than that, I share your dislike of superficial conversation, and am very much a homebody as well. In public I prefer to stay behind the scenes, but can take on the spokesperson role when needed. This happens especially often in my educational outreach activities. It is different with kids, though, and I find them relatively easy to engage, especially when one has "toys" they can play with.
 

ceecee

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I understand. Why be so secretive though? What's the point?

I think there is a disconnect here. I don't see it as being secretive. I see it as being prudent about information sharing. We all know TMI people, and what is TMI and what isn't varies from person to person. I would rather stay on the less information side. That doesn't mean that will remain the default but right off the bat, yeah. Which is why others that love to talk about themselves is a great conversation plus.
 

Maou

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Try, as a one-time experience? Sure, but not as a lifetime habit or default approach.

Are you satisfied with a conclusion via one try?

I tend to do things multiple times to see if I just had a bad first time doing something. Because not everything goes as planned. I am certain I won't see the pros and cons of anything in one attempt. So I attempt one thing in various different ways. I like to keep trying.

But I guess to each their own.
 

Coriolis

Si vis pacem, para bellum
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Are you satisfied with a conclusion via one try?

I tend to do things multiple times to see if I just had a bad first time doing something. Because not everything goes as planned. I am certain I won't see the pros and cons of anything in one attempt. So I attempt one thing in various different ways. I like to keep trying.

But I guess to each their own.
It depends on what I plan to do with what I learn. If I try an odd flavor of ice cream and don't like it, I probably won't bother to try it again. There are so many more to choose from and try next.
 

Maou

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It depends on what I plan to do with what I learn. If I try an odd flavor of ice cream and don't like it, I probably won't bother to try it again. There are so many more to choose from and try next.

Ahh I see what the problem is here. I was speaking from a perspective of having already tried everything (within my means), and out of sheer lack of new things. I retry old things that I have already been exposed to, to see if I can discover a new perspective or enjoyment I overlooked the first time. You were talking from the approach perspective. So it was a bit of a misunderstanding, and entirely my fault for not explaining what I meant very well, so my bad.

Do you ever get bored with anything you've done consistently? Or do you seek out new things to add into the mix to keep it fresh?
 

Coriolis

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Ahh I see what the problem is here. I was speaking from a perspective of having already tried everything (within my means), and out of sheer lack of new things. I retry old things that I have already been exposed to, to see if I can discover a new perspective or enjoyment I overlooked the first time. You were talking from the approach perspective. So it was a bit of a misunderstanding, and entirely my fault for not explaining what I meant very well, so my bad.

Do you ever get bored with anything you've done consistently? Or do you seek out new things to add into the mix to keep it fresh?
Yes and no. Such things fall into several categories. There are things I do fairly consistently as it makes my life easier. I always wear the same kind of black socks every day, for instance. I always put my keys and wallet in the same place when I get home, so I never misplace them. There are other things that, when I do have to do them repeatedly, start to bore me out of my skull. Certain tasks at work fall into this category. Then there are the things that have some element of routine, but also some option for flexibility. For instance, I play organ at a church every other week. This, and attending rehearsal are routine, but the music we play changes each week (well, usually it does), and I get to choose some of it myself. So, I have the predictability of a schedule, but opportunity within it for considerable variation. Occasionally I have the chance to play for other things, which I suppose would be a real "addition to the mix". Of course, sometimes this can be annoying, as when I played a benefit recital on a crummy electric piano, with inadequate lighting, and the bassoon playing right in my ear because the player forgot his music and had to read off my score.
 

highlander

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I think there is a disconnect here. I don't see it as being secretive. I see it as being prudent about information sharing. We all know TMI people, and what is TMI and what isn't varies from person to person. I would rather stay on the less information side. That doesn't mean that will remain the default but right off the bat, yeah. Which is why others that love to talk about themselves is a great conversation plus.

Well, I'm an INTJ and I'm not Mr. Social skills and I'm not an open book either in my interactions with others. That being said, I do pretty well on one on one in person interactions. Part of it is about listening and being interested in the other person. Part of making a connection with someone is opening up about yourself. It's about expressing your emotions because it draws others to you. I guess what's bothering me is I think there are better ways of developing relationships that what she described. I don't think individual interactions can or should always have a goal. It seems counterproductive to me. I think you have to suspend your self interest (things you want to get out of an interaction) to connect and deepen a connection with others.
 
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I haven't.. I'm way too subjective and emotional and I suck at talking about reality and things other people care about. I always like energizing discussions, or even emotionally provocative ones. Just something that doesn't make our lives seem boring and lame. Even though they are.

50% of talking with people for me is emotionally positive and humorous and surface-level interesting. Don't really care for this but it works.
25% is me being very undesirable and provocative. It's alright but I feel bad later.
15% involves the sharing of ideas and dreams and anything cool. I love to get involved in other people's imaginations. Some of my favourite talks.
7.5% is actually important information and discussion. These always leave me drained and feeling like I know nothing.
2.5% is talking about things I have actually done, or anything in the recent past. It's painful for me.

I think most talks end up with me going... "Yes..." "Uh huh...".. and throwing in a personal experience here and there when applicable.
 

Mole

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I haven't.. I'm way too subjective and emotional and I suck at talking about reality and things other people care about. I always like energizing discussions, or even emotionally provocative ones. Just something that doesn't make our lives seem boring and lame. Even though they are. 50% of talking with people for me is emotionally positive and humorous and surface-level interesting. Don't really care for this but it works. 25% is me being very undesirable and provocative. It's alright but I feel bad later. 15% involves the sharing of ideas and dreams and anything cool. I love to get involved in other people's imaginations. Some of my favourite talks. 7.5% is actually important information and discussion. These always leave me drained and feeling like I know nothing. 2.5% is talking about things I have actually done, or anything in the recent past. It's painful for me. I think most talks end up with me going... "Yes..." "Uh huh...".. and throwing in a personal experience here and there when applicable.
Yes, introverts have lot to give the world, but introverts take longer to mature.

The secret to maturing is learning to relax in social situations. I have found "Relief Without Drugs" by Ainslie Mears to by helpful. Also I have found walking meditation to be helpful.
 
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