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Introverts! How have you developed your social skills overtime?

Tina&Jane

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I haven't really done anything directly to work on social skills, but I've found that becoming more comfortable and accepting of myself has helped a lot. I think I was always very tense in social situations, even if I wasn't consciously aware of it. I can still nitpick things that I say and overanalyze, but I'm way better at approaching people, being able to joke around, and appreciating small talk.
 

Hellena Handbasket

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I learned to lead with my Fe in social situations. I can come across down right extroverted if need be (but it drains TF out of me). I also sometimes unconsciously mimic other people's behavior and tone/inflection. And, other than coming across and unintentionally flirty on occasion, it's served me pretty well. Surrounded myself with extroverts who help break the ice helped out a lot.
My problem was introducing myself to people I don't know or spontaneously making friends, but my ENFP best friend and ENFJ mom excel at this, so I learned to watch them and try and copy their behavior.
 

MyINFJness

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I love this question! As a perpetual wallflower my entire life, I found working in social services was a great way to coax-er-force me out of my shell. As an unintended benefit, some of the healing I would extend to others got a little bit on myself as well. As I have gotten older and much more self aware (and a bit less paralyzed by 'the social scene'), I intentionally place myself in circumstances that used to terrify me. I offer to give presentations at work, I fly to those conferences several states away, I offer my suggestions and insights at work meetings (although that one stilll does get to me). I say to myself, "Flood yourself with what terrifies you!". Sounds cruel, sure, but slowly over time my 'sensitivity' has gotten a lot less sensitive. Not that I have become more 'extroverted' and not that I would want to be, but I have become a much more comfortable introverted person. I really like that about myself.
 

Pionart

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I study typology to understand people better, but I don't know if that really improved my social skills.

And I drink to reduce my social inhibitions, but I don't know if that really improved my social skills.
 

Lexicon

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Don’t know how to answer this one. Never had any real complaints about my social skills. I have decent communication skills, which makes up for some of the holes in my social skills. I don’t balk at asking a person what they mean, if I don’t know how to interpret the meaning behind their words. And small talk is easy, even if it’s not particularly ‘fun.’ I realized years ago that it has some purpose. Some people I just don’t have the energy or desire to get to know on a deeper level. Small talk is for that. To build or limit as one sees fit. It’s also for observation & seeing where either party wants to branch out. What mental connections are made to build toward that. Some degree of self disclosure helps put others at ease about sharing themselves when you ask them questions (balanced give/take).

I can put on the gregarious cap and socialize/build positive rapport with people even if I’d rather not, but that cap has always fit me a bit... awkwardly. It’s my hat nonetheless, and I just own the awkwardness.


The older I get the more distinctly myself I become. I’m okay with it. If ‘awkward’ is part of that- fine by me. It’s not hurting anyone- which is what it comes down to for me.
 

senza tema

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Worked a job that depended heavily on cooperation and communication with coworkers and building relationships with clients.
 

cascadeco

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I learned during my first year or two in college how to 'play the game' of socializing; it is one reason I joined a sorority at the start of my sophomore year - I wanted to basically see everything / try to overcome all of my hangups from my junior high and high school years, sort of prove to myself that I could/ get better at things via plunging in.
And make up for what I saw as me being really behind socially/emotionally. However by the end of college I had pulled back from all of that and got back in touch with a lot of my core interests/self. But all of that probably helped me, and also one of my first jobs out of college was one that I was highly uncomfortable with - I was leading hikes and giving presentations in a national park and that was very out of my comfort zone -- but that too helped me at least externally know I could do it if I chose to / needed to. And from there I was better able to confidently interview (which in some ways is putting on a show - at least for an introvert - I mean, not in the sense of being dishonest but just perhaps being more 'aggressive' in showing yourself, sharing things, etc).

As I've gotten older though I really just don't have the energy or desire to do all of that (to put on more of a show), or I am more resentful of the feeling that it is necessary to do so when I don't really want to. Also, my years in heavy customer service have taken a toll and definitely not endeared me to humanity. So I've probably regressed in the past several years.
 

Peter Deadpan

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I've gotten worse but I've taken several significant blows to my self-esteem, so I think it's a matter of healing that and getting back to the old me who would proudly proclaim "I have no shame" after doing weird things around others with confidence.

 

EcK

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The actual answer to this thread is alcohol.
 

cascadeco

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The actual answer to this thread is alcohol.

It does help. I went through my first year or two in college using that as my main medium. :blush::doh:
 

cacaia

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It does help. I went through my first year or two in college using that as my main medium. :blush::doh:
....but I'm assuming here that you don't want to end up alcoholic just because you need to be more social :D
I've suffered a lot in college, when I decided to leave my comfort zone and started talking more to people. It was like taking one step forward and two back while trying to climb a mountain. I have been embarrassed and misunderstood a million times.
These are things that helped:
Asking questions about people's interests, etc. And listening to them talk mainly about themselves. If they hit a topic that I was interested in, or could tell a story about, then I would do some of the talking, and leave the rest to the other person.
Watching ( smart) BBC sitcoms helped me to emulate an appropriate stance about when to laugh and when to stay quiet...when to pitch in and when to smile....IDK, it might not work for all, but for me it did....
But I feel that, if you are very introverted, be prepared to make a fool of yourself at times, and afterwards just shrug it off and analyze what you would do different next time. Then keep going and trying again and again. The more you do it, the better you will be at it.
 

Methylene

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In high school, it was more of "observe how they behave and learn from it".
In uni, I don't know how, maybe because it's a far more welcoming and intellectual environment, with more like minded people, I stopped feeling socially inept, to the point of almost looking extrovert at times. Also alcohol helped. And ENTPs who drag me around and help me come out of the shell.
 

Wunjo

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Being an introvert does not necessarily mean that you possess bad socialization skills.
 

Coriolis

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This is exactly what I did as well. Plan in advance, execute, reap the rewards or change the plan or execution and you'll hit the target eventually. I found that it was easier to distance myself and act almost like a robot. In professional setting this works very well but friendships and informal interactions never stick too long with this approach.
I have noticed, but cannot say it bothers me.
 

Obfuscate

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*shrugs* my trick was shutting up and paying attention... anything else was either intuitive or a matter of trial and error... i choose my battles, and only tackle what will end well (when that is possible)... i keep my expectations low and play the odds... when you need to deal with someone difficult, choose a weak point and/or prepare to deal with some fallout... there is no need to get along with everyone, and becoming comfortable with that helps a lot... that said, there is nothing wrong with trying a little to have pleasant interactions...
 

Tengri

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Being an introvert does not necessarily mean that you possess bad socialization skills.
Exactly: the quality of your ability to socialize with friends or strangers isn't determined by your introversion, just your practice at it. Unlike muscle reflex, extroverts are not naturally adept at perfect conversation, either. Jung cautioned that these categorizations are measured by energy levels, and by modern brain scans, as areas of the brain more active in some individuals than others. For me personally, I find professional conversations like interviews or paced, polite conversations with a date or elderly far easier than casual or spontaneous conversation with strangers less nerve-wracking because of their levels of predictability. The former is practiced, almost scripted and easier to predict, while the latter might require humor, more eye contact, personal sharing, and unpredictable in outcome - thus draining (parasympathetic responses) for introverts. For someone that might dread tiring socialization, it's far easier to avoid practicing as a skill, and thus far easier to become rusty and avoidant of than making efforts to maintain comfortably. So take small steps to practice: chat briefly with servers or cashiers, greet a passerby while out walking, make polite small talk with coworkers, clients, or superiors; make friends with a stranger's pet, and then a short hello with the owner. It's always easier to have family, friend, or a significant other with you, and in the case it manifests as anxiety - and not to endorse alcoholism - have a shot beforehand for that burst of inhibition. Eventually you won't need a companion to help or the courage from alcohol to take those social steps.
 
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