Self image of physical appearance

[Simplexity]

My inner-self, thankfully, was the one part of me I have always accepted. I've had my doubts, but I thought..you know...my friends really like me, so there must be something pretty awesome there. Being weird is ok *lol*.

Yeah, growing up like that is tough, and I never told anybody in my family that it hurt me [and still does, since they still do things like this...] because I was/am afraid that they'll think I'm overreacting or reading into it too much and am taking offense to nothing. It doesn't feel like nothing, however...when school pictures came, back then, and they'd see mine and say 'Oh, you look so nice!" I was thrilled-- and then we'd see my cousins' pictures and their praise was 'Oh my gosh, she looks soooo pretty!! Doesn't she look pretty?!' I agreed, of course-- because my cousins are pretty-- but they clearly missed the insinuated insult to my own esteem..

I think I'd be pretty lucky if I were to find someone who could make me feel attractive...I'm...still working on that.

Yes thats something that I am still in the process of doing.

 

[StoryOfMyLife]

Yes thats something that I am still in the process of doing.

*hands you a paddle* Guess we're in the same boat, then.

 

[GinKuusouka]

My inner-self, thankfully, was the one part of me I have always accepted. I've had my doubts, but I thought..you know...my friends really like me, so there must be something pretty awesome there. Being weird is ok *lol*.

Yeah, growing up like that is tough, and I never told anybody in my family that it hurt me [and still does, since they still do things like this...] because I was/am afraid that they'll think I'm overreacting or reading into it too much and am taking offense to nothing. It doesn't feel like nothing, however...when school pictures came, back then, and they'd see mine and say 'Oh, you look so nice!" I was thrilled-- and then we'd see my cousins' pictures and their praise was 'Oh my gosh, she looks soooo pretty!! Doesn't she look pretty?!' I agreed, of course-- because my cousins are pretty-- but they clearly missed the insinuated insult to my own esteem..

I think I'd be pretty lucky if I were to find someone who could make me feel attractive...I'm...still working on that.

It seems to be the most difficult thing to see beyond our own eyes, our own expectations, especially upon ourselves. Nah. I love you. You know I do dear. And I'm right there beside you. I didn't have any cousins like that to be compared to. But my dad never seemed short on the remarks of me being a whale or a blackhole. So, if nothing more, I do understand the pain. And yeah. If I were to say anything about how it hurt my feelings to hear comments like that, the response would always be "It was a joke. Lighten up." It may have been funny to him, but it wasn't a joke to me. And, since I was the butt end of it, I should have most definitely had a say in it. The same goes for you. I understand why you don't say anything. But, because these are your feelings that are being hurt and these hurt feelings are quite valid, they should be able to respect your request out of love. If they don't, then they're like my dad- quite insensitive. You know my thoughts on that. *nods* Some people will be insensitive regardless. And I realize I have to eat these words myself at times, but they're good reminders. That's why we have each other, and perhaps so many others that we didn't realize we had, to talk to, to cry against, and just to be there with and for when the time calls for it.

 

[Cimarron]

For a long time I simply assumed that he begrudgingly accepted my appearance in a trade-off for having a cool and smart girlfriend/wife.

Haha, well said. I always figure that if I get a good decent girlfriend, she would feel pretty much the same about me, same reasoning you gave here. We are all probably being too hard on ourselves.

 

[millerm277]

Mine doesn't vary much. I'm slightly above average in my opinion. Not going to go into more details, as I'd sound like I'm bragging about something, which isn't what I want to do. I like who I am, and think I have a realistic opinion of my looks, and try to keep it that way.

There are a few days where I feel worse, but that's generally about something real, like having bloodshot eyes or the like. (Whenever it's allergy season, or I'm tired, my eyes become more bloodshot than someone that's been on the alcohol and pot diet for the past week.)

 

[Ivy]

Haha, well said. I always figure that if I get a good decent girlfriend, she would feel pretty much the same about me, same reasoning you gave here. We are all probably being too hard on ourselves.

I think you're right about that. I have had the experience several times of seeing an old photo of myself and being surprised that I was actually kind of cute back then. But at the time the picture was taken I didn't think so, and looked back on even earlier photos as the good ol' days. I'm starting to wonder why I don't go ahead and claim that in the present.

 

[StoryOfMyLife]

I think you're right about that. I have had the experience several times of seeing an old photo of myself and being surprised that I was actually kind of cute back then. But at the time the picture was taken I didn't think so, and looked back on even earlier photos as the good ol' days. I'm starting to wonder why I don't go ahead and claim that in the present.

I was a cute kid, no doubt about that. I was the same-- harder on myself in the past than I really should have been...but when one gets teased and called ugly or fat or is told that her clothes look like they came from a flea market on a regular basis, it gets taken to heart and is believed to be true after so long

*lol* maybe we are all being a little too hard on ourselves-- but we are the hardest judges of ourselves as well...I guess it all has to do with self-esteem/confidence as ourselves as a whole.

That's why we have each other, and perhaps so many others that we didn't realize we had, to talk to, to cry against, and just to be there with and for when the time calls for it.

And sometimes it is a little more often than I'd like on my part, but if we need it, we need it...it's good to have an outlet

 

[GinKuusouka]

And sometimes it is a little more often than I'd like on my part, but if we need it, we need it...it's good to have an outlet

Absolutely.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

My impression is that confidence in one's own appearance is more grounded in emotion than physical appearance. The outward appearance can positively contribute to the emotional feeling of attractiveness, but it is not the core. Having family, peers, and friends socially reinforce the feeling of attractiveness is what typically makes people feel beautiful. An attractive person without that can easily feel ugly, and an average person can feel and carry themselves as beautiful if it is reinforced. This is my understanding of it so far.

 

[Ivy]

My impression is that confidence in one's own appearance is more grounded in emotion than physical appearance. The outward appearance can positively contribute to the emotional feeling of attractiveness, but it is not the core. Having family, peers, and friends socially reinforce the feeling of attractiveness is what typically makes people feel beautiful. An attractive person without that can easily feel ugly, and an average person can feel and carry themselves as beautiful if it is reinforced. This is my understanding of it so far.

I tend to agree, with one caveat: if you go through a period in which your peers and friends do not reinforce feelings of attractiveness, and in fact go out of their way (not so much friends but other peers) to undermine them, the effects can be hard to get over even with a healthy support network as an adult. Add to that that it can become a self-fulfilling prophesy (in my case, being called fat when I wasn't all that fat led to emotional eating and low energy, and the problem snowballed until I really was fat) and the feedback loop is hard to break.

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

Someone please define attractive.

 

[GinKuusouka]

Someone please define attractive.

How? It's a fluctuating state, at least to me. The way I mean that is it's more subjective than objective. (We can't all be blonde Californian girls with the perfect tan. Bleh. Not that I want to be something like that.) Being attractive doesn't have to be just physical. There can be mental traits found attractive as well.

 

[StoryOfMyLife]

Someone please define attractive.

I guess it's in the eye of the beholder? Or...a view of self-worth? I read somewhere once that the most attractive people are those who are, facially, the most symmetrical.

I suppose it goes case by case, or something... attractiveness=comfort with oneself?

._.; jeez, now I'm confused, thanks...

 

[Orangey]

Someone please define attractive.

Yeah, I don't think that matters too much in the context of this thread.

 

[StoryOfMyLife]

Yeah, I don't think that matters too much in the context of this thread.

*lol*..

 

[Orangey]

*lol*..

Oh, mine's not the final word by any means. Keep on with the definitions if you think it's important to the discussion!

I just meant that the thread was about the fluctuation of people's perceived levels of attractiveness of themselves...and if it was, then it wouldn't matter that we have an objective definition of what counts as "attractive".

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

I tend to agree, with one caveat: if you go through a period in which your peers and friends do not reinforce feelings of attractiveness, and in fact go out of their way (not so much friends but other peers) to undermine them, the effects can be hard to get over even with a healthy support network as an adult. Add to that that it can become a self-fulfilling prophesy (in my case, being called fat when I wasn't all that fat led to emotional eating and low energy, and the problem snowballed until I really was fat) and the feedback loop is hard to break.

You have an important insight. I suspect that the reaction during childhood and adolescence are much more ingrained than what happens in adulthood. My deepest struggle hit around puberty and has subsided a bit, but it might just always be a part of me. I have an idea where it came from years earlier in childhood. As a teen I struggled with being thin and shapeless like 92lbs at 5'5". I also always struggled with hair that was thinner than I wanted and still breaks off after growing out a few inches, so that growing it long is not possible. I could kind of tell that my feelings of being grotesque weren't matching reality, but my worst frustration was that no matter what I thought or looked like, the feeling was the same. It's mostly an issue now when I'm tired. Sometimes I still see my reflection and feel surprised at how bad I look, but I think it has to do with feeling tired.

I agree with those posters who were talking about valuing your inner self and all that. I do think trying to accept external appearance for its own merits can be a lost cause if there is some kind of emotional hole that produces the lack of feeling attractive. Looking inside instead seems a good place to start, but it also helped me to not too much pressure on myself to think any particular way about appearance, but just try to feel comfortable in my own skin and to try to enjoy feeling good in the simplest ways.

 

[Chris_in_Orbit]

Yeah, I don't think that matters too much in the context of this thread.

Why not? I don't see how I can tell you how I think of myself in terms of attractiveness if I don't know what you mean by it... I'm pretty sure attractiveness is something that changes from culture to culture so I don't want to start off making a statement based off my own pre conceived notions of what I think it is.

There are some days when I don't think people will think I look that great. Others when I think they do. I can never know for sure because people are attracted to many different things. I don't want to say that "HAY I'M ATTRACTIVE" because I don't have enough information on what it takes to make that statement.

 

[Venom]

So based on people's self esteem issues:

Is my flirtation with narcissism really that bad for me?

 

[GinKuusouka]

So based on people's self esteem issues:

Is my flirtation with narcissism really that bad for me?

That would depend on several things I think. lol I couldn't rightly say though because I don't know you that well.