The Damaged and the Damaging

[Lark]

You know, I think you’ve really hit the nail on the head here, with bith points. I can say for sure that was group therapy that messed me up. I thought my life was completely normal until I was put into group therapy at highschool.

The problem was that it was a bad fit. I was dealing with terminal illness and abusive parents while the rest were just suffering from basic teen angst. “ My parents don’t understand.” “ My boyfriend broke up with me for the third time this month.”
I couldn’t relate to any of them.

Your other point, about encouraging people to be expressive-when they just aren’t- has also had a large impact. I always considered myself to be resiliant and detested vulnerability. Even as a little kid I was stoic and self-disciplined but as I got older I couldn’t deny there were some aspects with which I did need help but, I think, that stoic attitude kind of screwed me. I don’t know how to appeal to vulnerability, emotion or sympathies but watching others with disabilities it really seemed like that was what you had to do to get people to believe you. Add to this a very emotional family ( they told me I wasn’t okay. That I was obviously traumatized and needed to talk about it, which was just not true) and well, really, it all boils down to trying to be someone I’m not; I don’t like group therapy, I don’t write poetry, I do not wonder “ Why me?” I am not a victim.
I think that things are what they are and we do the best we can.

I hope I did not make things too personal. I know that niether you nor this forum is my therapist and I did not intend to jack Mole’s thread ( but, he has enough that he can spare a few, I think) I actually feel better than I have years. Thank you.

This is a link to the book on expressive writing, its an alternative to the different sorts of therapy you mention which the author researched and found it worked for a lot of people, the author himself has a section in the DK book on Psychology (you know the big books on Psychology, Sociology, Philosophy, Economics, whatever, they are adding to the list all the time):-

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Expressive-Writing-Words-That-Heal/dp/1611580463/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1517941083&sr=8-1&keywords=expressive+writing

He wrote another before it called Opening Up, which is about how confiding in others can help some people, doesnt help others, it was realising that it did not help others which spurred the research which became the second book.

I'm glad I could be of help, therapy isnt going to work if it just encourages role selection and role playing, which it can and does. I know some people who firmly believe its a sign of progress if people do, even when its more obviously tokenistic or compliance rather than growth and change, because they see it as a form of adjustment to be able to pick up on and respond to social cues but I dont think so. I can understand what you said about not relating to the kind of contrasting "teen angst" when you'd been dealing with more challenging stuff personally. I have seen that too, were people want therapy because it is available to them or they think that they can some how "use" it to add to some sort of narrative they are telling about themselves, it happens, Freud wrote about it and called it secondary gain, the care people got for being ill could deter them from seeking recovery.

 

[Lark]

This was similar to my experience with group therapy. I went to a meditation based one for about a year. I was by far the least healthy person there and I knew it and it frustrated the heck out of me. And the group just wasnt a good fit for me at all. Everyone else was there becauss they got neevous around exams or they didnt like public speaking or... that sort of thing... where like sitting and meditating and calming down for a minute... was actually possible for them. For me, I was so out of it, it was just incredibly discouraging. It was like- I felt like I was constantly failing. Like I just wasnt trying hard enough. Everyone elses problems were so easy to fix. So normal. While I felt like an absolute freak when I thought of mine. I was the worst one there by far, and I was beyond the level of help that group could provide. It was just a bad fit.

I wouldnt be opposed to doing group again... if I could find a good fit. But well, I understand the frustration of it. Not that this forum should be like- a replacement for finding a good group, it shouldnt, but I can understand the frustration with group therapy. I THINK it can be good to talk to people going through similar things. Group CAN be good. But also, Ive been looking at online blogs and groups and websites and stuff- ones that are specifically for that sort of thing- and those can be good I think too.

I think there are alrernatives to group. You dont have to be a victim to get help, sometimes gettin help STOPS you from being a victim. But yeah, I can get like... I can kind of understand in some ways

A lot of therapy is provided for the "worried well" as opposed to the sick and distressed when you think about it really, then again there are people who would argue who is the final arbitrator or judge of what is sickness and distress and suggest that the experience of exam pressure or a fear of public speaking ought to be treated as just as relevant or legit.

I'm inclined to think as you are and that if the group is too dissimilar in their needs or expectations its not going to work and will prove to be a "bad fit" as you say but then sometimes its not easy to find a "good fit" because the experience could be unusual and exceptional, when its trauma, for instance, I'd hope its pretty exceptional and not the norm.

 

[Mole]

Mole, arbiter of morality.

You are free to mock morality, but you might like to consider that all we have to do to destroy an army is to destroy its morale, and in the same way, all we need to do to destroy an individual is to destroy their morals.