Okay, I'll post it in this thread either tonight or tomorrow.
Disclaimers
--This is a small-talk system that I use. I culled it from a few self-help books and it has helped me considerably. I'm not claiming that it's the best system ever, or that it should be used by everyone. I'm just putting it out there in case anyone might feel they need help bolstering their small talk skills. But if forum members are already satisfied with their existing small talk skills, then they should continue doing whatever is working for them and ignore my advice.
--Also, whole self-help books have been written on the subject of how to do small talk, socialize, and mingle. So I won't get into a lot of background or explanations of why the experts prefer one way of doing things over another; the post will run too long. I'll just lay out a bunch of tips with little or no background, and readers can pick and choose whatever they think might work for them.
Philosophy
--Experts say that you want to aim for a listen/talk ratio of 65/35 or even 75/25 over the long-term. But of course when you're first meeting and greeting a new person, you may have to work a bit to draw out the other person. As for me, I'm prepared to aim for a listen/talk ratio of 50/50 initially, at least till I see how talkative the other person is.
--How do you draw out the other person, especially if the other person is shy or reticent? The simplest way is to volunteer a piece of information and then follow up by asking for the same information from them in return. Volunteering info is a way of modeling the kind of behavior you want to see from them, and it justifies your asking for the same info back from them.
--As for the advisability of asking a lot of questions: Some people who aren't good at small talk will say that they don't like to ask a lot of questions--it seems intrusive. So instead they try to babble on about themselves or current events and hope the other person will get the hint and reciprocate. But the experts say that asking questions is good: It shows interest in the other person, and it gives the sense of a more substantive discussion--one resulting in some genuine exchange of info.
Components of a small-talk template
Biographical outline: Main headings of personal things to be discussed: Work, family, recreation, interests, current events, friendships, etc. For meeting new people, the Bio outline can be pretty abbreviated and simple. For chatting with people you see regularly, on the other hand, the outline can be pretty long and detailed; you can even keep it on paper and make notes about the people you socialize with; salespeople do this with clients. People get a thrill when you demonstrate that you remember details of old discussions.
In my case, I meet with an older crowd and aspire to come across as a reasonably friendly, chatty old man with no particular agenda. So at least initially, I stick to basic stuff: Name, residence, work, family, recreation. If I were a college student meeting other college students, then I would probably start the Bio outline with some information exchange about college background: Majors, classes, etc. You get the idea.
Personal info: This is your half of the conversation: It consists of info you provide about yourself using the Bio outline as a guide. Write it all out and memorize it. This info is totally under your control, so you can prep it and automate it, and have it right at your fingertips as you chatter away.
Questions and follow-up questions: Once you have provided a piece of info about yourself, plan on asking for the same info in return. And then plan for 1-2 follow-up questions, depending on what info the other person provides. Follow-up questions should be along the "how so" model: "Oh yeah? How does that work?" In other words, prompts for an explanation.
Fillers and anecdotes: It's important to vary things up a bit and maybe have a little anecdote to tell about yourself in each of the main headings of the Bio outline. Again, these can be prepped in advance. They're helpful for filling in the gaps if the other person just isn't very talkative. Or, if the other person is talkative, then fillers and anecdotes allow you to chatter back.
Talking points for any touchy subjects: Personal stuff is going to come up: Marital status, divorces, availability to see other people, etc. Don't hem and haw when awkward subjects come up. Decide beforehand exactly what info you want to give, and prep your talking points.
Pleasantries/opening line: I saved this for last because it's a separate topic all by itself, and a good lead-in to the finalized small-talk template. Anyway, people make a big deal about the opening line when meeting new acquaintances, especially when it's someone of the opposite sex or some situation like a salesperson approaching a possible client in a showroom. A lot can be said about the opening line. But for me, in my persona of a chatty older guy, I just stick to a simple default: Be as mundane and banal as possible (a comment on the weather, for example), and focus on being confident, natural, and easy-going.
I go with mundane and banal, because too strong an intro can be creepy or intrusive. When I stick to the basics, I'm playing it safe and putting people at their ease. Deliver it with confidence and naturalness, and people won't have any objection to engaging with me. Banal intros include:
--At a meet-and-greet social event or in the workplace, you really don't need any tricks. Most times you can just walk up, stick out your hand, and say, "I don't believe we've met. Hi, my name is YUI."
--Engaging with a service person behind a desk or a waiter taking your order: Just ask, "Having a busy day? Seems like you have a pretty good crowd here."
--Engaging with total strangers at a bus stop or in a doctor's waiting room, etc.: You don't even have to look at the other person initially. Just say loudly as though to the room in general, "Another cold day outside," and then look at the other person for some kind of acknowledgement. Even if they just look up and nod, you have your intro; just follow up with some little filler about how icy the roads were coming in, and then pick up the conversation as below.
Exchange of names: This can occur either immediately after the Pleasantries/Opening line, or after discussion of one item from the Bio outline. But try to exchange names pretty early along. It's embarrassing to chat for 20 minutes with someone and then walk away realizing that you never got the guy's name. Also, once you get the guy's name, shake hands with the person (if appropriate) and repeat the name aloud at least once: "Glad to meet you, Bill." Because it's even more embarrassing to get someone's name and then immediately forget it. Saying it aloud will help you remember.
Sample small talk template (names and info altered to protect my anonymity)
Pleasantries/Opening line (pick one)
--Weather: "Cold one today." Or "It's been a mild winter so far."
--Public venue: Came from work? How was trip here? Traffic?
--Appearance: Comment about clothes, jewelry, carry-along items, shoes
--Surroundings: Comment about things prominently exhibited, artwork, decorations, theme (color, subject)
Exchange of names and Residence
--(Personal Info) My name is YUI, I live here in Springfield
--(Questions) What's your name? Do you live here in Springfield too?
--(Follow-up question) How long have you lived here? You're from here originally?
Work
--(Personal Info) I’m a fairly recent arrival here, actually. I've been here about six years. I used to work in New York. I was a programmer with a financial organization.
--(Questions) How about you, what do you do for a living?
--(Follow-up question) How long have you been at your job/in your career?
--(Follow-up question) Why did you choose that field/job?
--(Filler/anecdote about self) I knew that I had a knack for coding back in school and then in the military.
--(Filler/anecdote about self) In New York, the work itself was basically pretty boring, but I was at the center of a big financial hub, and it was fun to get the insider view on that.
Family
--(Personal Info) I took early retirement and moved up here to be near family.
--(Questions) Do you have family up here?
Wife and kids
--Married? (Follow-up: How long married?)
--Kids? (Follow-up: How old are they?)
--(Follow-up: Ask about any adult kids: What do they do, are they married?
--(Filler/anecdote about self) Two marriages & divorces. Have a girlfriend. Never had kids. Just never wanted kids. I grew up in a big family with lots of crying babies and dirty diapers, and I got my fill of it back then.
Parents and siblings
--(Questions) How often do you talk to your parents?
--(Questions) Which family member are you closest to? (Follow-up: What does she/he do? Is she/he married?)
--(Filler/anecdote about self) Parents are old and I moved up here to be available in case they need help. But I don't actually see them much from one week to the next. I did the "dutiful son" thing for 3 yrs and visited 2-3 times a week, But the visits were putting me to sleep. Also, basically they're shut-in wackos without a life of their own, so they pry and then take over everyone else's lives. They need to get down to the Senior Center and socialize and get a life of their own. Anyway, I tell them I'm available for emergencies and I check in on them once in a while. But it's good to keep a little distance there.
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And so on. You get the idea. Each succeeding section gets a big longer, and you're prepared to reveal more about yourself. The next section would be Recreation, and it would be the longest yet in terms of filler and personal info: Working out, more about the girlfriend, hobbies, etc.
You'll notice that a tremendous amount of info is actually being exchanged. But that's the benefit of preparing your small talk ahead of time and memorizing it. You can pick and choose what info you want to exchange and be quite efficient in doing it.
Also, think hard about what info you want to present about yourself. You want to provide a real window into what's going on in your life. The more you reveal, the more you learn in return. You may also want to get some info about yourself out pretty quickly: You have a girlfriend, you're unattached, you're busy and don't have much time for a personal life, or you have lots of time available and wish you had more of a personal life, etc. Make the small talk work for you.
If you're at a party, do small talk with an acquaintance for 10-15 minutes max, then move on. Don't be bashful about it, just say, "I've enjoyed talking to you and want to hear more about your job another time, but there are a lot of new people here and I need to circulate a bit more and talk to some other people for a bit."
Finally, when you and your new acquaintance go your separate way, say his name one more time: "Good talking with you, Bill." If it turns out that you can't remember his name or that you never got his name in the first place, this is the best time to work that out--"I'm sorry, but I didn't quite catch your name the first time. It was ....?" And then as soon as Bill is out of sight, break out a pen and paper and jot down some notes about Bill against the next time you see him, so that you don't have to start all over from scratch due to forgetfulness. This is especially important at a party, where you might meet lots of new people in a single evening. Be productive: Take notes.
And that's about it. By the way, the filler stuff about me up above is all fake. For example, I wasn't a programmer and didn't work in New York, I don't live in Springfield, and so on.
