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How to do process and deal with anger?

Lord Lavender

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For me anger is something I try to repress and re-frame since to me anger is equal to being a bad person unless its directed at the right things or people If I lose my temper I always feel really bad afterwards like I feel I need to take a shower
 

Yuurei

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I repress the shit out of it

I know a lot of angry people. I get screamed at all the time but no matter how loud ...part of my bran tells me “ Yell back! It’s the only things these idiots understand!” Or “ It’ll feel REALLY good!” another part steps in and says “ Don’t do it. It will solve nothing and you’ll feel bad for stooping to that level.” So, I don’t even raise my voic and am always calm.

Oh, but it can also be a good thing. When it does not turn into a migraine, I use it for fuel. My husband says he can tell when I’m angry because I’ll get three days worth of work done in 6 hrs.
 

Cellmold

Wake, See, Sing, Dance
Joined
Mar 23, 2012
Messages
6,266
I've got an awful hair-trigger temper that immense effort on my part means very few people actually see.

Generally I think people see me as relaxed and friendly, but that's just one aspect of myself and I fear sometimes that I impose it in order to hide my rigid insecurities. Instead what people see is an idiot fluffing his actions, because they don't perceive (what is to me) an immense amount of turmoil and stress in order to not just blow up my surroundings. I get frustrated by the smallest of things, although I think this can be somewhat linked to my jobs (past and present) due to the daily humiliation of being treated as a 'lesser' for not having a position of high status (I think that is the best way to sum up my average experiences in the service provider <> service provided world). Something I realised a long while ago was that the most frustrating elements of the day to day is recognising that size is not important to anger. The reason (phenomenologically) small, petty incidents can evoke such wrath is due to their very smallness.

The awareness that something small can frustrate or anger is itself angering, partially because one knows that if it is a matter of importance in size then contextually the anger may not be justified. A tone of voice, an inflection, some shrug of the shoulders...even certain words. Of course the rationalisation of one's own personal problems doesn't help the issue in any way, most likely there is an unconscious tendency towards the kind of thinking that, for example, starts in a framing of "With everything else going on! Not this too!" making statements like "don't sweat the small stuff" even more infuriating. After all how can another tell you that something is small stuff? When one's thinking is so slanted by anger it is difficult to see perspective of any kind outside of the one that is making you angry.

Levels of personal neuroticism are obviously key to this issue.

When it comes to causality I'm always faced with the ever-increasing cycle of situational reactions for the individual, myself or anyone else, that tend to result in nature/nurture conflicts.

For example lets say we have a child who is born. This child is, from it's earliest days, of timid and retiring character, but also suffering from intense emotional outbursts and is prone to easily give up, often in a depressive or perhaps explosive fashion. In other (albeit brief and simplistic) words: a classic neurotic. But then we have to consider the genetics involved, the environment, the experiences from that day to this and beyond.

That paragraph alone encompasses an enormous amount of information for one individual's life. Information that most other individuals could barely hope to know or be aware of. In that sense each other individual is in the same boat, but is every other individual as neurotic to the same degree? Are their reactions all equally comparable? How much can or should we punish based on causally-induced reactions? How does one determine the level of personal responsibility towards a reaction?

This brings in the idea of autonomous vs non-autonomous functioning. Whether one can really be sure that a person is in control of their wants and needs or not as there is no truly clear methodology for separating the nature from the nurture until one has answered the larger question of purpose in existence. There appears to be a phenomenon of human nature that we're never really given assurance about our ideas of free will, we can only intuit that the idea is important. The human mind also tends towards extremes when trying to counteract what has been noticed in oneself. With the effect that one nearly always overshoots or exaggerates the imbalance. Thus a person trying to calm their anger might even exacerbate or dangerously suppress their anger in one way or another to the result that they miss the point entirely: that it is often what one believes that influences a reaction.

Of course determining a belief is extremely difficult. To quote a passage on self-deception and belief from the Norwegian political and social theorist Jon Elster in his book Sour Grapes - Studies in the subversion of Rationality:

"The root of the paradox is the peculiar feature that the self-deceiver intentionally hides one of his beliefs from himself and professes the other as his official view. The idea of successful self-deception therefore raises two closely related questions: How does one manage to forget intentionally what one 'really' (somehow, somewhere) believes? And having achieved this impossible feat, how does one achieve that of believing at will what one also believes that there are no adequate grounds for believing?

In (part) ii.2 I suggested that the decision to forget has the paradoxical feature that the harder you try to carry it out, the less likely it is to succeed; it is like an attempt to create darkness by light.

And for related reasons believing at will also seems to be a feat beyond human ability."

For me the idea of believing in something that will dampen or not permit anger is very difficult to nigh impossible for this very reason. Accounting for disposition is a complex and potentially unending task.

All I know for sure is that in the moment it is burning, in the aftermath...shaming. As I realise the trappings of my own arrogance and just how very close I could come to those labelled criminals by society, I am..if not empathetic then at least more considered in the area of 'crimes of passion'.

Though I certainly cannot condone the actions, I also don't know how to answer the question of forgiveness and where one should put it.

Without going into more detail, I would say that is part of how I process anger.
 

Yuurei

Noncompliant
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I've got an awful hair-trigger temper that immense effort on my part means very few people actually see.

Generally I think people see me as relaxed and friendly, but that's just one aspect of myself and I fear sometimes that I impose it in order to hide my rigid insecurities. Instead what people see is an idiot fluffing his actions, because they don't perceive (what is to me) an immense amount of turmoil and stress in order to not just blow up my surroundings. I get frustrated by the smallest of things, although I think this can be somewhat linked to my jobs (past and present) due to the daily humiliation of being treated as a 'lesser' for not having a position of high status (I think that is the best way to sum up my average experiences in the service provider <> service provided world). Something I realised a long while ago was that the most frustrating elements of the day to day is recognising that size is not important to anger. The reason (phenomenologically) small, petty incidents can evoke such wrath is due to their very smallness.

The awareness that something small can frustrate or anger is itself angering, partially because one knows that if it is a matter of importance in size then contextually the anger may not be justified. A tone of voice, an inflection, some shrug of the shoulders...even certain words. Of course the rationalisation of one's own personal problems doesn't help the issue in any way, most likely there is an unconscious tendency towards the kind of thinking that, for example, starts in a framing of "With everything else going on! Not this too!" making statements like "don't sweat the small stuff" even more infuriating. After all how can another tell you that something is small stuff? When one's thinking is so slanted by anger it is difficult to see perspective of any kind outside of the one that is making you angry.

Levels of personal neuroticism are obviously key to this issue.

When it comes to causality I'm always faced with the ever-increasing cycle of situational reactions for the individual, myself or anyone else, that tend to result in nature/nurture conflicts.

For example lets say we have a child who is born. This child is, from it's earliest days, of timid and retiring character, but also suffering from intense emotional outbursts and is prone to easily give up, often in a depressive or perhaps explosive fashion. In other (albeit brief and simplistic) words: a classic neurotic. But then we have to consider the genetics involved, the environment, the experiences from that day to this and beyond.

That paragraph alone encompasses an enormous amount of information for one individual's life. Information that most other individuals could barely hope to know or be aware of. In that sense each other individual is in the same boat, but is every other individual as neurotic to the same degree? Are their reactions all equally comparable? How much can or should we punish based on causally-induced reactions? How does one determine the level of personal responsibility towards a reaction?

This brings in the idea of autonomous vs non-autonomous functioning. Whether one can really be sure that a person is in control of their wants and needs or not as there is no truly clear methodology for separating the nature from the nurture until one has answered the larger question of purpose in existence. There appears to be a phenomenon of human nature that we're never really given assurance about our ideas of free will, we can only intuit that the idea is important. The human mind also tends towards extremes when trying to counteract what has been noticed in oneself. With the effect that one nearly always overshoots or exaggerates the imbalance. Thus a person trying to calm their anger might even exacerbate or dangerously suppress their anger in one way or another to the result that they miss the point entirely: that it is often what one believes that influences a reaction.


Of course determining a belief is extremely difficult. To quote a passage on self-deception and belief from the Norwegian political and social theorist Jon Elster in his book Sour Grapes - Studies in the subversion of Rationality:

"The root of the paradox is the peculiar feature that the self-deceiver intentionally hides one of his beliefs from himself and professes the other as his official view. The idea of successful self-deception therefore raises two closely related questions: How does one manage to forget intentionally what one 'really' (somehow, somewhere) believes? And having achieved this impossible feat, how does one achieve that of believing at will what one also believes that there are no adequate grounds for believing?

In (part) ii.2 I suggested that the decision to forget has the paradoxical feature that the harder you try to carry it out, the less likely it is to succeed; it is like an attempt to create darkness by light.

And for related reasons believing at will also seems to be a feat beyond human ability."

For me the idea of believing in something that will dampen or not permit anger is very difficult to nigh impossible for this very reason. Accounting for disposition is a complex and potentially unending task.

All I know for sure is that in the moment it is burning, in the aftermath...shaming. As I realise the trappings of my own arrogance and just how very close I could come to those labelled criminals by society, I am..if not empathetic then at least more considered in the area of 'crimes of passion'.

Though I certainly cannot condone the actions, I also don't know how to answer the question of forgiveness and where one should put it.

Without going into more detail, I would say that is part of how I process anger.

That is...the definition of Neurotic? It sums up my husband well.

And I will tell you the same thing that I tell him-and everyone else is too reactionary-yup are the master of your own universe. Outside of the most desperate flight v fight reflexes we CHOSE to react and how. As humans we have the ability to stop and think " Will this reaction turn out well for me in the end? Will iot really accomplish anything." I often that no, reacting in anger almost never does. It often makes things worse.

I understand that people are made up of their environments ect. but aside from sever exterior trauma we can grow and learn to change our behavior. Saying " oh childhood reasons ( in most cases) is a cop out and more than anything it makes ourselves victims. I don't like that idea. In fact I relish in the ability to take responsibiolity for my own actions ( and mistakes) it is the greatest expression of free will.

Honestly, this instance to take control is what drives me crazy about my husband. He wont go camping because he has memories terrible trips with his Father; so make new ones.
He doesn't like Christmas trees because he was never able to have one as a kid , no he is.

Worst of all is almost time we have an argument; I ask him " Why did you do this." Why are you SO angry."

And the answer is always because " YOU made me by ___." That isn't true. Not I -nor anyone else- has the power to FORCE him to react in anyway.

I was not born with the stoicism to choose my own reactiosn. It took a lot of discipline. You would be amazed by what humans can achieve with discipline.

Anyway, not trying to lecture or attack you. You at least have the self-awareness to understand that your reactionary anger is not healthy. That's a start.
 

á´…eparted

passages
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I have come to the connclusion that I will always be angry. Unless the world changes (it won't) I will always have a reason to be angry. I can't resolve it. Currently figuring out how I want to approach things from now on knowing that.
 
Joined
May 19, 2017
Messages
5,100
I deal with it better than I have in the past. Especially as a teenager. I was so erratic and prone to fly off the handle. I still can but circumstances have to really be wearing me down. Back then I was a powder keg. Being idealistic and realizing a lot of people don’t share a sense of decency. Realizing that a good deal of what adults fed you as a child was bullshit. Yeah my dissatisfaction just exploded out of me. The anger that wasn’t released ate away at me for years. It does terrible things to your mind and body.

As I went through my twenties I began to settle down slowly but surely. The tendency to get angry is still very much there. I had to train myself to stop and analyze and prioritize what’s a true reason to be angry. It wasn’t easy. So I’m not sure that the demon has been slain so much as it has been contained.
 

Cellmold

Wake, See, Sing, Dance
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That is...the definition of Neurotic? It sums up my husband well.

And I will tell you the same thing that I tell him-and everyone else is too reactionary-yup are the master of your own universe. Outside of the most desperate flight v fight reflexes we CHOSE to react and how. As humans we have the ability to stop and think " Will this reaction turn out well for me in the end? Will iot really accomplish anything." I often that no, reacting in anger almost never does. It often makes things worse.

I understand that people are made up of their environments ect. but aside from sever exterior trauma we can grow and learn to change our behavior. Saying " oh childhood reasons ( in most cases) is a cop out and more than anything it makes ourselves victims. I don't like that idea. In fact I relish in the ability to take responsibiolity for my own actions ( and mistakes) it is the greatest expression of free will.

Honestly, this instance to take control is what drives me crazy about my husband. He wont go camping because he has memories terrible trips with his Father; so make new ones.
He doesn't like Christmas trees because he was never able to have one as a kid , no he is.

Worst of all is almost time we have an argument; I ask him " Why did you do this." Why are you SO angry."

And the answer is always because " YOU made me by ___." That isn't true. Not I -nor anyone else- has the power to FORCE him to react in anyway.

I was not born with the stoicism to choose my own reactiosn. It took a lot of discipline. You would be amazed by what humans can achieve with discipline.

Anyway, not trying to lecture or attack you. You at least have the self-awareness to understand that your reactionary anger is not healthy. That's a start.

I wasn't justifying anger or helplessness, nor was I saying nature before nurture.

Maybe I explained it poorly. I was highlighting the existential conundrum that exists in reactions like anger and how that manifests in my processing of it. A conundrum that doesn't have a clear answer, though we intuit that the best way lies in our ideas of free will.
 

Galena

Silver and Lead
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I do carry anger inside, likely as a backlog that would naturally result from a temperament given to forming expectations and ideals. I remember it being there from early childhood and enduring through a variety of situations, so while it may be managed, it is likely a permanent feature. Actually I have a theory that I was bullied as a kid due to only being 98% successful at repressing it - I didn't lash out at other kids, but there was a vibe/look/tension that smelled like something really intense and hostile lurking underneath and made others uncomfortable (especially because the reason/target was unknown), others as in other kids who were failing kid-like to manage their own issues too. I think so because as an adult, people who have gotten close enough have told me that they detect this from me, even if it has never been expressed toward them and is totally unconcerned with them. I have also been told that I seem to lack "cold" anger, just having "hot" anger if any at all, and that this is uncommon.

I have managed anger worlds better in my 20s than before, not so much like disciplined control but more it finally striking me, in more serious depth, how it was to other people - i.e. getting smacked by a few fair warnings about self-absorption. Which is not always what anger is about - I wish I could say mine is righteous or justice-oriented, but nope, it was inward, ashamed and perfectionistic.

However, I say "was" because now I'm catching on to another dimension of it, that the introjection has been a defense and not the true form of the anger. I doubt that I ever truly hated myself as much as anger pointed in that direction will make one think. Parsing out which anger really goes where is a monumental job I am still yet to even close to master, as just getting to the point of seeing that this was the case took forever. However, I do remember what it was like as a kid, before I was capable of introjection on an adult level, and that is an important clue. I typically felt flashes of anger in response to being pulled away from doing something I loved or was intensely focused on, often creative activities or reading. After that, rigid expectations being frustrated was another source - like that something would happen at a very precise time.

So, re: OP question...all I know is that understanding it helps, although I have not gotten any understanding from trying to understand, but only from experience. Maybe that's the only way to get it, but if it's not the only way, getting it another way would be much nicer indeed.
 

Tilt

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I detach from it and then try to figure out a solution after venting a bit.
 

LucieCat

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I go off by myself and work through the situation internally. This is my main strategy. However, there is a point where I will just completely verbally chop a person to bits and pieces. I try not to get into those modes because I have very little control over what comes out of my mouth when in those fits of rage (I can think of one time where I prevented myself from saying a specific thing). These moments are very rare, and apparently, scary to other people. These are often defensive, usually in defense of someone I care about and sometimes myself.
 

Lord Lavender

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Overall I do think anger does have a purpose at times in life since we all have things that need us to be angry such as something being morally or logically wrong that will hurt others in some way like it would be pretty disturbing if you didn't get angry over your beloved people getting beat up by someone for example but anger is one of those emotions that can easily spiral out of control like those area of effect things you can get in some RTS games like I see anger as a catapult in that it like can be very forceful and do a lot of good impact but it can kill your own troops if you are not careful.
 

Lord Lavender

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I repress the shit out of it

I know a lot of angry people. I get screamed at all the time but no matter how loud ...part of my bran tells me “ Yell back! It’s the only things these idiots understand!” Or “ It’ll feel REALLY good!” another part steps in and says “ Don’t do it. It will solve nothing and you’ll feel bad for stooping to that level.” So, I don’t even raise my voic and am always calm.

Oh, but it can also be a good thing. When it does not turn into a migraine, I use it for fuel. My husband says he can tell when I’m angry because I’ll get three days worth of work done in 6 hrs.

Your thoughts on anger are very similar to mine in that I also want to try and put it to productive or constructive use or at the very least not hurt myself or others with it. I however tend to end up withdrawing if I get angry since I dont want to be around people since I really really fear losing my temper on people since its not pretty when i do (I become super passive aggressive and sarcastic which really really makes people love me :D). I think that anger was a far more useful emotion back in the stone ages when you had to be angry to survive as doormats wouldn't survive without some degree of rage but in the modern age our primal rages are not used to good so we are chronically stressed out and wanting to rage all the time.
 

Betty Blue

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It's not my default emotional reaction, i do recognise that some people seem to feel it as their primary or main emotion.

I do get angry and I can be a twit at times but it's rare for me to really go over the edge. I think things like getting enough sleep, avoiding things that are very stressful and treating myself kindly help keep it at bay. I feel far more joy than anger. Far more sadness too, but I allow myself to feel anger. I don't think it's too unhealthy if let out in safe ways.

Of course there will always be times I could have handled situations better but I can learn from that. Feeling guilty is ok too as long as there is some kind of net positivity from it. e.g it actually changes they way I behave/think in the future. I suppose most of my anger used to be aimed internally, which is very unhealthy... that seems to be much more in check though. Idk maybe because I allow myself to feel more I explode less. I'm less of a pressure cooker. I see it in others though, often people who deny themselves those emotional feelings, or keep things to themselves hoping they will go away.
 

Yuurei

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Your thoughts on anger are very similar to mine in that I also want to try and put it to productive or constructive use or at the very least not hurt myself or others with it. I however tend to end up withdrawing if I get angry since I dont want to be around people since I really really fear losing my temper on people since its not pretty when i do (I become super passive aggressive and sarcastic which really really makes people love me :D). I think that anger was a far more useful emotion back in the stone ages when you had to be angry to survive as doormats wouldn't survive without some degree of rage but in the modern age our primal rages are not used to good so we are chronically stressed out and wanting to rage all the time.

I have to admit that less is the fear of losing my temper, and much greater is the fear of repercussions of showing any emotion at all.

Everyone I know is very sensitive and emotional. They lose their shit constantly, don't care what it's about, where they are, or who is around. And of course they try the "manic pixie" tactic on me. " You should express your self! If you're angry than go ahead and tell me! Hell, scream if you want!" but as soon as I do express anything, something as simple as "ugh." The response is...not good.

For ex.my husband was talking to me the other day when I received a phone call. I saw that it was a tel-a-marketer and set the phone back down with a slightly annoyed but mostly indifferent. "ugh." and waited for him to finish the story.
He refused, yelling " I don't want to talk to you if you're going to get SO MAD at the tiniest things!" followed by an absurdist rendition: *Throws phone on the table* "AAAAAGGGGGGRRRRRRRRRBGHHH!!!!1!!1!!!. You JUST did that!"...before HE storms off to his office and slams the door because he just can't handle MY anger. :unsure:

...and that is a perfect example of just about every interaction between the feelers I know...which is everyone I know. It takes a lot to rattle me but I think I can admit now that rather then encouraging me to express my feelings it's given me an anxiety about openly expressing anything.
 

Agent Washington

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same

.... i wanna get angry more often in a faster way, but ... ...idk
anger machine broke
 

Typh0n

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I rarely feel anger tbh, and when I feel it I tend to let it out rather quickly, but I don't really feel bad afterwards, especially if I feel the anger is justified, except that sometimes certain people wilm say stuff that seems like reproaches towards my behavior.

Let me give you an example. With the people in my class I am generally very level-headed, but the other day, there was a discussion in class and this girl just kept on talking and I wanted to tell her that she was wasting her time with her arguments because they didn't take into account the whole picture of the material in class (which she didn't agree with, but it doesn't matter since imo she didn't understand) but she kept monopolizing the attention of the others, I kept trying to speak up but I kept getting cut off. Finally I cut her off and said what I needed to say I got a little angry, but also said what I said in a way that made the class laugh at the absurdity of the debate she was having. Afterwards another girl told me "don't get mad like that" and I felt like it was a reproach, maybe it wasn't but it made me feel like I had acted out of line, which is odd because I felt like I was only a little upset. I also asked the girl I got mad it if she felt I was excessive and she said no, I was a little angry but nothing excessive.

(Sorry, my anecdote was a bit long)

The point being that I don't get upset at getting angry especially if I feel someone is stepping on my toes and it is justified. Though it actually rarely happens, and even when it does I tend to get angry with a touch of humor that makes people see the irony in the situation.

So I am not sure how to help. When I was younger I had alot of anger and music and writing would help alot. A good question to ask yourself, [MENTION=30122]Cat Brainz[/MENTION] is maybe why you feel so bad about expressing anger and whether those feelings are justifed.
 

Qlip

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This is not a helpful response for you, but I'm not a naturally angry person. I end up getting annoyed by anger and how much of *me* it possesses, and end up just dropping it, addressing the problem (sometimes in overly reactive ways) and not looking back. I really hate the hold anger and really, let's not kid ourselves, the source of anger--other people have on me. But what this ultimately means is that my big problem isn't anger and resentment, it's the lack of willingness to engage with people.
 

ceecee

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I don't repress but I also compartmentalize it - in my pocket like loose change for later, for motivation, for whatever I require it to be. I also have an unwillingness to engage with people - this is going to determine how much anger that's seen. Part of being a healthy e8 is knowing how and when to use anger and over time I've been able to house ruthlessness and compassion in the same pocket - they don't contradict for me. This doesn't help someone who has issues with anger or feel it's bad to express, maybe therapy or journaling would provide relief from those feelings.
 

Ace_

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I turn it into anxiety and then I have to take antidepressants.

not a good strategy
 

Atomic Fiend

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Take it, remember it, use it later. You're probably angry for a good reason. Figure out why, usually that exploration of why will yeild some answers as to why you were angry and allow you to take steps to deal with whatever issues caused that anger in the first place. The answers usually range from predictable e.g. (Someone or something was pissing you off) to a little more complex (You were angry because of jealousy; you can't take rejection, critcism, or the being told no; or being pround being humbled by someone who ultimately was right). You can't master something you don't understand, and anger runs so much deeper then many people like to think. I get angry for all of the aforementioned reasons.
 
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