How to do process and deal with anger?

[Magic Poriferan]

Homicide?

...am I not being helpful here?

 

[magpie]

For me anger is something I try to repress and re-frame since to me anger is equal to being a bad person unless its directed at the right things or people If I lose my temper I always feel really bad afterwards like I feel I need to take a shower

I've been thinking about this too.

I think it's common to be ashamed of your own anger, which obviously then leads to repression of it. We judge ourselves for how we feel but the feeling in itself is okay. Feelings are a net neutral - no positive or negative judgement of them is necessary or even true. But I know at least for me, that when I'm experiencing a strong negative emotion or emotions, I don't want to feel it unless it's "valid" or the "right" reaction to the situation. If I feel like my feelings will be invalidated by others or are an overreaction or out of place, I turn them inward - I become angry at myself for feeling them and attempt to force myself not to. That's where the repression comes in.

The issue is that once you repress anger, it begins to ferment or rot and comes out inappropriately and subconsciously. Once you realize that's happening, you then feel even more ashamed and angry at yourself, and the inclination is to repress even more. But that's not a fix or escape, it's just continuing the cycle of perpetuation. The anger in itself - any emotion in itself - is not bad or shameful or wrong. They are all okay no matter what. They just are. What you do with it is what matters. If you can feel and accept without acting either to inappropriately express or repress, then you are able to truly detach. By detach, I mean bear witness to your internal landscape without judgement, shame, or fear, and that sort of observation and acceptance without action frees you from the fear that emotions make you wrong or bad or defile you in some way.

If you notice yourself having secondary emotions about emotions a lot, that suggests there's a pattern of judgement perpetuating an emotion loop. The only way out of the loop is acceptance of the way you feel and acceptance of the secondary emotions as they arise.

Since you made this OP a while ago, how have you been feeling since then? Has anger become easier for you to process?

 

[LovecraftianMonstrosity]

Meditate.

Tricycle

 

[Lord Lavender]

I've been thinking about this too.

I think it's common to be ashamed of your own anger, which obviously then leads to repression of it. We judge ourselves for how we feel but the feeling in itself is okay. Feelings are a net neutral - no positive or negative judgement of them is necessary or even true. But I know at least for me, that when I'm experiencing a strong negative emotion or emotions, I don't want to feel it unless it's "valid" or the "right" reaction to the situation. If I feel like my feelings will be invalidated by others or are an overreaction or out of place, I turn them inward - I become angry at myself for feeling them and attempt to force myself not to. That's where the repression comes in.

The issue is that once you repress anger, it begins to ferment or rot and comes out inappropriately and subconsciously. Once you realize that's happening, you then feel even more ashamed and angry at yourself, and the inclination is to repress even more. But that's not a fix or escape, it's just continuing the cycle of perpetuation. The anger in itself - any emotion in itself - is not bad or shameful or wrong. They are all okay no matter what. They just are. What you do with it is what matters. If you can feel and accept without acting either to inappropriately express or repress, then you are able to truly detach. By detach, I mean bear witness to your internal landscape without judgement, shame, or fear, and that sort of observation and acceptance without action frees you from the fear that emotions make you wrong or bad or defile you in some way.

If you notice yourself having secondary emotions about emotions a lot, that suggests there's a pattern of judgement perpetuating an emotion loop. The only way out of the loop is acceptance of the way you feel and acceptance of the secondary emotions as they arise.

Since you made this OP a while ago, how have you been feeling since then? Has anger become easier for you to process?

Overall I deal with anger far better than I did when I made this thread as I have done a lot of personal growth and emotional reflection. Your words ring very true emotions by themselves arent good or evil but more how we put them to use and how they are expressed. Like if I get happy I can ether be good with it and spread it or be socially inappropriate with it and hug strangers . Our inner processes are actually ver similar since I also fall into a feedback of sorts too with my repression causing shame which then creates more negative emotions until it explodes in a pressure cooker. Thank you for this very insightful post it has a lot of useful hints and tactics on how to deal with emotions.

 

[LightSun]

Do you have anger and if you do, do you like it? How can it be leveled or kept in a balanced state? Does it fuel your drive or perhaps can you be prisoner to the emotion of anger? Why or how can anger be deadly or counter-productive? How does it get out of control? Do you have good anger management as well the needed deescalating skills in coping with your anger? How do you think your anger was made manifest? If given the circumstances your childhood was different, do you think you’d have less anger?

Quote:

“Let us not look back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around in awareness.” James Thurber

Quote:

"Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding." Mahatma Gandhi

Quote:

"Expressing anger is a form of public littering." Willard Gaylin

When angry the trick is to deescalate by removing yourself from the situation or refocusing unto another task. If you are in a situation where anger is present know that first under all anger are cognitive distortions. These are usually based on unfinished business and unresolved issues on your part. A danger is if you give in to anger it escalates as pouring gasoline unto a fire. Your brain is being flooded with chemicals and hormones. Anger is in a sense a temporary psychosis. You are not dealing with the situation or angry at the situation per se but rather are projecting your unfinished issues and a wounded ego self unto the situation.

Having an internal locus of control you take personal responsibility and problem solve or refocus but do not give in to the base emotion of anger. If you have an external locus of control you may blame the situation or the person for your discomfort but you are being fooling yourself. Example of how I handled an anger provoking situation:

The Road Rage Incident: I have a behavior, again learned, not wanting to rush to the red light. I have found out that if one is caught at one red light, one is bound to be caught at the next one. I do not like this. I must say I have found preferable a smooth transition of going continually through a green light after green light. I will slow down if I perceive myself coming toward a red light. Well evidently someone behind me did not like me slowing down. They first high blasted me with their high beam. They then got in front of me and intentionally slowed down even perhaps to a dangerous level. They would not let me pass. Every time I changed lane they followed suit.

The irony was we were in front of a police sun station. I asked myself, "Where is a cop when you need them?" Well I was irate, being initially triggered. I flashed high beam as well as honked horn. Then a part of my intellect took over. I could have gone on being irate. I instead slowed down and turned off on an exit rather than play useless mind games.

Now the scenario is I could have cognitively been caught up in useless mind games. True I was initially triggered (which I was not proud of). I disengaged mentally from my anger with such useless thought conjectures such as, "it's not fair. He is an idiot, etc. I would have been consumed in an endless cycle of escalating road rage. I had a high emotional adrenaline rush whenever I have either a profound thought or insight. I disengaged. I took back control. I did not give in to my anger, except for that initial trigger. Again I am not proud of. I do not like categorically acting in an irrational fashion.

I went home happy with a smile on my face. This other person probably could have gone home irate and taken some time to calm down.

I am peaceful and I do not wish to harm anyone, I say I hope my emotions don’t give in to anger and I become as one possessed. For anger is temporary psychosis. I would like protecting self as well those who I love, but to do minimal damage and use force only that is needed. I think it a fool indeed who believes that what he thinks, feels and believes necessitates one is absolutely correct. How much of what we know is to be trusted? How much of what we have learned is written in eternal stone, and not subject to revision? Even science has been written many times over since the dawn of history.

What is it I am wishing to impart is keep an open mind and that we don't know it all. The final fact is we cannot always trust our senses. Look at the history of people being executed, because of eye witness testimony. A sure sign for me of distorted reasoning is when speaks with an angry heart. There is a sliver of truth there, but it is camouflaged by the person's unfinished business. So what does one do if they happen to be an angry individual?

Seek counsel and multiple viewpoints, before making a decision. That is part of the glory and the sorrow of our brains. Our 5 senses can impart much beauty from this world. Our perceptions can also be woefully off, much to our ruin. The self-righteous who held under the sway of anger are wrong. It seems as there our ghosts in our past which have gotten lost and stay with our system apparently forever. I have this thinking if children would only be taught reason with love, safety and proper guidelines they would grow up with more self esteem, be more cognitively grounded and be less prone to anger.

Anger is a cancer to the human consciousness. It distorts our ability to deal with reality with a balance of love mixed in with reason. Anger colors our perceptions so that we make the wrong decisions and act irrationally. Anger generally elongates the attainment of our dreams and potential. The best way to deal with anger is to prevent it in the first place. I believe a person nurtured with love and positive regard develops a better self -image and self-esteem. A person who is grounded with love feels better about themselves. Such a person has less anger. They deal with reality more realistically because they see reality more clearly. If one has anger it is important to not act giving in to the anger.

Actions made during times of anger are self-destructive and to be regretted. Removing oneself from the situation can avoid a lot of misery both to oneself and to others. Anger is a cancer to oneself and to society. Once one has anger it is important to not give into it and act irrationally, irresponsibly, immorally, and ineffectually. As for the nature of anger: I have the idea that it is pain that is internal which is triggered. These people don't have the capacity in making me mad. It is unsolved issues. Problem is I can never get a handle on the issues, they are too deeply rooted.

Also when I get angry, depressed, guilt etc., I say, "It is a lie. These are distortions. It is at best an illusion." Now of course there are real world issues which are deplorable. But the emotions instilled in me, or at least the underlying thoughts happen being distorted. They are mixed in with half-truths. Emotions can and do fool us and our senses. They are not to be believed. With anger comes intolerance and half the battle is lost. However, with correct reflection, sifting out the distortions in reason and logic that afflict us all, we may begin to understand one another.

Anger is a bane to human existence. I know we had need of it in prehistoric days. Everything in balance, okay we have anger. There must be a reason. It can, and does help us to correct societal wrongs. When does it get out of hand? When we cross the line and do evil. When do we know have perpetrated evil? When we take away the rights of people or life. Anger is a human condition. However you be the chariot controlled charioteer and do so utilize anger in some constructive way, shape plus manner for effect of change.

Do not ever let the anger in a metaphor: 'horse team' direct your energies like that man I had need of a block. For he is controlled and does have no direction except destructive. For the anger is consuming the heart and his very inner mind and soul. Thus he's possessed, out of the mindful state. He is as a possessed lost one. He will not admit this to himself but spew out poison and blame all except look into a mirror of realism to become aware.

In the Middle East the Israelis and Muslims in the area have (generalization) a deep rooted hatred and anger that is forestalling progress. They have let anger get in the way of reasoning. Somehow they have to get unstuck. This will require much work, and generations born into looking at things in a new light. There happen being multiple anger skills which are possible. One, a cognitive oriented view is to be aware, much like the mindfulness of Buddhism. Sometimes the body becomes triggered, this i call temporary psychosis, one acts with no reason.

Emotion can quite frankly trump reason. Two ways of avoiding this will be not letting it escalate. STOP, do not allow your hurt ego to determine the behavior which is pursued. As a metaphor i do picture the satan as puppet master. He is laughing on our own invoked folly. There are skill sets being learned which will and must establish themselves into the young child's early life. This happens being learning communication, emotional intelligence and of most importance cognitive oriented thinking, and using the proverbial critical thinking of which is our heritage.

How I cope is say, "Okay, either problem solve or refocus on what I can do to take back a measure of control". Do what I can do and not necessarily what I wish to do. I have a whole host of coping mechanisms. I tell you those brain chemicals are very powerful indeed. When and if I become triggered I try riding the storm of emotion out. It is, "And this too shall pass". Maybe, tomorrow I will have a more pleasant day. It is rolling with the punches. I always am hoping always for the best.

If you can not cannot yourself then remove yourself from the public sphere. Take a chill pill, time out, or walk away rather than pour the litter of your anger unto the heads of your fellow beings. Making the mistake of giving in to anger to protect one's ego is like blowing on the embers of a fire. You in effect pour gasoline on the fires of your passion and it engulfs you. Anger is alike psychosis of the spirit. As such it is a poison to one's inner harmony and peace. No one can make you angry but yourself and the distorted thoughts

which are the illusions of your cognitive distortion in thought which stem from unfinished business of your own unhealed self. As such they are blind spots of one's awareness. Correct the distortions of thought in reasoning and instead walk upon the middle path. One of reason balanced with reason and Agape compassion.

Cognitive therapy and rational emotive therapy

(1) There is an external event and there is a negative emotion.

(2) The cause of the emotional turmoil is not so much the event as our distorted perception of it.

(3) We identify the distortion.

(4) We replace it with a more realistic thought. Our emotional discomfort eases.

(5) We take realistic action.

The above is almost a mantra of the cognitive approach. There is a chemical component, which is not addressed. There are chemical neurotransmitters in the brain. There is ACh or Acetylcholine and Norepinephrine: which are generally excitatory. Dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins are inhibitory. If there is a chemical imbalance in these areas then generally medication is warranted. I've often said it takes two people to have an argument. While one is beating their head senselessly on the North wall the other is senselessly beating their head on the South wall. Both are repeating over and over the same thing without listening to the other person.

In communication state your position, maintain boundaries and remove yourself from the situation if the person is argumentative. To be offended is a sign of your false ego being triggered. Rise above for it is an illusion. The other person define themselves from their irrational stand and you are accountable for what you say and how you act. Take the high road or be fooled by illusion and feeling your false ego being wounded.

 

[LightSun]

Overall I do think anger does have a purpose at times in life since we all have things that need us to be angry such as something being morally or logically wrong that will hurt others in some way like it would be pretty disturbing if you didn't get angry over your beloved people getting beat up by someone for example but anger is one of those emotions that can easily spiral out of control like those area of effect things you can get in some RTS games like I see anger as a catapult in that it like can be very forceful and do a lot of good impact but it can kill your own troops if you are not careful.

Unless a person is physically threatened or in pain or else a loved one, anger is usually a distortion of thought. One's ego has been triggered.

 

[Virtual ghost]

My life has thought me that there is nothing wrong with anger as long as you don't make a mess and brake the laws.


Intense music was my favorite since the start, conquest in virtual strategy games is my vice for decades, when I realized that I no one cares I beat up my school bulles, when I am angry am likely to do something physical like (long walk, mountain climbing or cutting unwanted trees and destroying weeds). Yesterday I chased away one woman out of the room since her presence was counter productive. Most people get defensive around me even if I am only on 30% my anger scale. I am likely to make scheduel and push stuff on others if I see disaster comming.



For decades family and friends tease me that I am sociopath and what scares them the most is that I take it as a compliment.
Since I realized that accepting the shaming from others is generally counter-productive for my life.

 

[LightSun]

For me anger is something I try to repress and re-frame since to me anger is equal to being a bad person unless its directed at the right things or people If I lose my temper I always feel really bad afterwards like I feel I need to take a shower

Via Lord Lavender
"....anger is something I try to repress...re-frame since to me anger is equal to being a bad person..."

I don't try to repress anger myself. I am not an anger prone person. In childhood the options are fight, flight or freeze. I took the freeze avenue of approach. Conceivably if I had reacted angrily as a child it would still be a persistent problem today. I am wholeheartedly with you in re-framing. My problem solving approach is to problem solve or refocus but not to dwell on something I have no immediate response for. Ultimately I take self responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, speech and actions.

(2) "...unless...directed...right things or people."

On this note I disagree. I try to handle things with reason and stoically. I will state my boundaries. I do not believe in self righteous anger. Under all negative emotions unless one is threatened with bodily harm or a person they love is involved are cognitive fallacies of thought. If someone crosses personal space I will utilize 'I feel' and 'I think' statements in communicating my internal thought process. If someone either trespasses the law or does not show respect for my personal boundaries I will take it to an authority such as a parent, teacher, principle, boss or if need be the police.

(3) "If I lose my temper I always feel really bad afterwards..."

I am with you on that. As I said it is rare for me to be angry. One time though I was mad at my mother in law and erupted. I felt like I had lost control.

 

[Z Buck McFate]

I have never understood the concept of "using" anger. At least, not for something positive. It confounds me. I wish I could understand it, but I don't. The only thing anger fuels for me is really embarrassing behavior, when there's so much that I don't know how to keep it in check.

This is not a helpful response for you, but I'm not a naturally angry person. I end up getting annoyed by anger and how much of *me* it possesses, and end up just dropping it, addressing the problem (sometimes in overly reactive ways) and not looking back. I really hate the hold anger and really, let's not kid ourselves, the source of anger--other people have on me. But what this ultimately means is that my big problem isn't anger and resentment, it's the lack of willingness to engage with people.

I 100% relate to the bolded. For me it's like a cold or stomach flu - a distracting and unpleasant hindrance that has to make it's way through my system before it leaves me alone and I can think clearly again. If it's not available for me to retreat and let it work its way through my system (if I can't figure out how to remove myself from the influence making me angry) then the anger fuels some really embarrassing behavior.

****

I've found Thich Nhat Hahn a very helpful guide specifically for anger. From Taming the Tiger Within: Meditations on Transforming Difficult Emotions:

If your house is on fire, the most urgent thing to do is to go back and try to put out the fire, not to run after the person you believe to be the arsonist. If you run after the person you suspect has burned your house, your house will burn down while you are chasing him or her. That is not the action of a wise person. You must go back and put out the fire. When you are angry, if you continue to interact with or argue with the other person, if you try to punish him or her, you are acting exactly like someone who runs after the arsonist while their home goes up on flames.
​

Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames was another helpful book of his, in which he compares anger to a crying baby. He explains that anger is like a crying baby; walking away from/ignoring a crying baby doesn't make sense because that's just going to make the baby cry louder. (There's a far more thorough explanation of it, I'm oversimplifying his analogy here).

 

[Dreamer]

I deal with the immediate response to anger by punching a pillow, tensing my muscles, something physical. But that need comes and goes so quickly it hardly causes a dent in my typical routine. Once that immediate response has been felt and experienced, I start the questioning that I often do of any strong emotions. Where'd it REALLY come from? Yes, I can say this or that caused the immediate response, but it is hardly just that, strong emotions tend to get triggered by small quips in life and are usually caused by deeper running currents internally that have not been dealt with.

Anger, like any other strong emotions felt, is an opportunity for me to seek out its long running roots towards a true core and more advantageous within a larger picture, an opportunity to discover another facet of me, emotionally.

 

[Nomendei]

Depending on the reason behind my anger and its intensity, I manage it differently. If I get angry at something that isn’t very important I just imagine the situation in a funnier way. If someone made me angry because he is simply stupid, incompetent or if I consider him as inferior to me, I just stop to mind and will search a feeling of superiority. But if someone made me mad, something that isn’t easy to achieve, he will have to pay. One way or another, I will make him regret it.

 

[Lark]

I feel angry a lot of the time. I think most of the time its perfectly warranted and I just treat it as legitimate.

While I tend to prefer thinking things through and experiencing thinking rather than feeling or gut reactions or gut responses and sensationalism I dont think that being a thinking type means being devoid of emotion or that type of thing.

 

[The Cat]

Different ways.

 

[Doctor Cringelord]

 

[Maou]

Anger is something I surpress to an extreme, not because I do not get angry, don't want to scream etc. It's because the moment I let it slip pass highly irritaited and argumentative, I become extremly violent. I am not talking about punching, screaming, and attacking someone. I fall silent, and immediately get ready to kill the person I am angry it. It doesn't even matter how much I love that person. My brain turns off.

I have had a few moments in my past, where I've savagely attacked people without holding back. Luckly, I almost never had any weapons available. But there was one very close call I had with my brother, and I almost stabbed him. But managed to divert it to a cutting board that was promptly destroyed. It took many years to reign this emotion in, and learning to channel it. That became the source of my spiteful nature, and a way to fight back without violence, and instead learning to make people envious or respect me. I then became a far more goal driven person, and discarded the idea of reliance on others completely.

I very much fear being that angry, not because of the consequences, but more do to how much I would enjoy letting it all out. I sometimes fantasize about very dark things because of it.

 

[Chad of the OttomanEmpire]

I was a stormy young teen, and I grew into a slightly more mellow, but still unpleasant, young woman. Edging into middle age, I've pretty much gone off the deep end. I'm existentially enraged, not only by my lot in life, but by humanity itself. I have intense bouts of physically destructive rage because the feeling is SO POWERFUL that if I held it in, I think it would destroy me.

I don't know how to deal with this, actually. I don't need any lectures about how unhealthy this is, because believe me, I know. My feeling, though, is that it is still better not to be repressed. I sometimes practice sword fighting on old materials in my spare room.

 

[Frosty]

Not at all. And then all at once. And then back to not at all again.

Also. I tend to be angrier at myself really than other people. I can be... kind of... “outraged” I guess at things people do if I think they are wrong... but anger is something else. Anger at a person just... it feels so... unfair for some reason most of the time. Hate tends to come from anger I think and thats why- and it takes quite a bit for me to hate someone. If anything, and Im aware of how self righteous this sounds, I tend to feel bad for people- after the outrage- when they are acting in a way that... I think isnt “good”.

And again. “Good” is very subjective. I mostly mean in either a way that is harming others or is harming themselves. Like someone who has frequent temper tantrums... for example... Ill feel bad for them even if they are yelling at me because I really think most people just... dont want to get to the point where tjey are doing that sort of thing.

Anyways. This kinda got a little bit too roundabout so... ill just say. I have a weird relationship with anger. I can be outraged- and then yes... angry for a little... but its generally temporary. It might change the way I view you- going through this whole process... but... I really do think that be “angry” at people for just being human and making mistakes OR EVEN just doing things that you dont want them to do... unless its an incredibly extreme and malicious case... is just... a waste.

 

[rav3n]

People annoy me but I'm not a yeller, screamer or loud. More often than not, the annoyance fades away to the level of no fucks are given. The odd time that I'm angry, instead of freaking out, I get cold and focused, narrowing the energy of my anger to a laser point.

 

[Yuurei]

I'm not allowed to express any sort of anger or negative emotions. Instead I just repress it all until I'm physical ill and nearly pass out. Better than being judged as a "Bad person" for attempting to express even one iota of the shit everyone else feels entitled to spew endlessly in any direction, usually mine.

 

[Earl Grey]

Certain emotions like anger abate very quickly for me.
Even if I do use (harness?) it, it usually remains relevant to the reason I'm angry and disappears once I'm done while the recipient is left reeling- I sometimes forget how bad it can get until it happens again. Anger propels your message forth with more force but on its own, it's just brute force with not much use and in no way good for its own sake.

People think I'm repressing / suppressing or am not getting angry out of some principle, but not really. It's just hard to get mad. It's more towards methodology, my brain tends to win over most of the time- seeing that there is nothing to be gained by getting angry, I end up not being angry. But it is not always this way for everyone. Generally, I much prefer for myself (and others) to just let it out when they're angry rather than repress it, so we can deal with whatever issues there are.

It's pretty bad sometimes, as even if someone gets mad and flies off the handle on me I generally stay calm without effort.
Sometimes there are situations where it would be appropriate to be angry but I'm not. I pretty much had to re-learn anger.
In terms of dealing with situations, I'd much sooner leave it than resort to anger. I'm also very unvengeful.

Still, I'm one of those people who is a little like a volcano, the anger smoulders then explodes fantastically.
Even so, I consciously choose when it happens, and again, whatever I say remains relevant. More to "This is what you did." rather than "I am so angry!!"
In other words, I tend to assess whether or not the situation is appropriate, if no, then I say nothing and process it on my own, letting it go or letting it out in a more productive manner.