My Step-daughter Left Home Today

[Mal12345]

My wife is upset because her daughter finally left home at the age of 24. She is not independent however, and never will be. She has just moved to another family home (which is a home for the disabled who can't care for themselves).

I see it a bit differently than my wife.

1. No more Borderline Personality in the house.
2. No more Narcissistic Personality in the house.
3. No more Executive Function Disorder in the house.
4. No more noise, chaos, fighting, name calling, fucking bitch this and fucking bitch that, screaming, and calling the cops or the ambulance for no reason.
5. Etc. (things I won't mention here).

Unfortunately, it also means we won't be reimbursed by the state for caring for her (picking up after her, washing her hair, etc.)
Now we are down to one income: mine. My wife says "we'll make it." Will we? I don't know. We've lost the state income plus my step-daughter's income (some of which she kept for herself, and some which she gave to us). This means we are less $2000 per month income.

The future is always full of uncertainties.

 

[Smilephantomhive]

Isn't the extra income supposed to go to caring for your step daughter anyway?

 

[Jaguar]

You're glad the kid is out but want her money. Class act all the way.

 

[Mal12345]

Isn't the extra income supposed to go to caring for your step daughter anyway?

She doesn't cost $2000 a month to take care of. There is a mortgage to pay off. We bought this house and turned it into a family home. Now paying for it is going to become a nightmare. My wife doesn't want any more clients for the family home, something about not wanting to bring strangers into the house.

 

[Totenkindly]

Life is full of trade-offs.

But when it's your own kid (or parent, when your parents get old), it's more than just a transaction even when the relationship is stressful and/or demands a lot of energy. There's typically a level of commitment and connection there regardless, as well as a feeling of loss when they are gone even when you reach a conclusion that another facility can better care for them long-term. So no wonder your wife is struggling with that. Does she think it was for the best or is she feeling like you both made a mistake? The way you refer to it, it sounds like she is fine with the income loss but doubts the decision (or at least misses her) for reasons more regarding the relationship.

 

[Lexicon]

Financial stress beats living with someone who has such a severe manifestation of Borderline Personality Disorder any day. Wife sounds like there may be some codependency issues she needs to work through to be okay with this. I'm merely guessing. Good luck.

 

[Norrsken]

Can your wife work?

 

[Mal12345]

Life is full of trade-offs.

But when it's your own kid (or parent, when your parents get old), it's more than just a transaction even when the relationship is stressful and/or demands a lot of energy. There's typically a level of commitment and connection there regardless, as well as a feeling of loss when they are gone even when you reach a conclusion that another facility can better care for them long-term. So no wonder your wife is struggling with that. Does she think it was for the best or is she feeling like you both made a mistake? The way you refer to it, it sounds like she is fine with the income loss but doubts the decision (or at least misses her) for reasons more regarding the relationship.

My wife's emotions are of the sentimental type. She will actually miss the yelling and cursing for sentimental reasons. She knows that the quality of care will be better at the new home, because we are both getting too old and sick to put that much energy into her constant demands for this and that. She is 30 years younger than we are. There is also the factor of having to repress emotions over and over again which take its toll over time. So there is psychological damage that comes from caring for someone with her kind of disorders. I've read up on Borderline personality disorder, and those clients, from what I've read, are the most difficult. I predict that, if she doesn't end up coming back here, she will be moved from one family home to another until she ends up in a facility.

 

[ceecee]

Unfortunately, it also means we won't be reimbursed by the state for caring for her (picking up after her, washing her hair, etc.)
Now we are down to one income: mine. My wife says "we'll make it." Will we? I don't know. We've lost the state income plus my step-daughter's income (some of which she kept for herself, and some which she gave to us). This means we are less $2000 per month income.

Reimbursed by the state for caring for your own kid/stepkid?? After all the shit you have posted? Why do you think you were entitled to a dime? Suck it up and sell your house, get a second job, start pulling your own weight.

 

[Mal12345]

Reimbursed by the state for caring for your own kid/stepkid?? After all the shit you have posted? Why do you think you were entitled to a dime? Suck it up and sell your house, get a second job, start pulling your own weight.

Practice being nice to strangers for a year or two. I will unplonk you around that time to check on your progress.

 

[Mal12345]

Financial stress beats living with someone who has such a severe manifestation of Borderline Personality Disorder any day. Wife sounds like there may be some codependency issues she needs to work through to be okay with this. I'm merely guessing. Good luck.

Codependent is a term used in treatment of wives/husbands of alcoholics and druggies, in which the codependent partner takes on the traits of the chemically-dependent partner.

She is emotionally enmeshed with her children.

 

[Mal12345]

Can your wife work?

She wants to go into phlebotomy. I don't know if she can do it. I hope so.

 

[Mal12345]

Life is full of trade-offs.

But when it's your own kid (or parent, when your parents get old), it's more than just a transaction even when the relationship is stressful and/or demands a lot of energy. There's typically a level of commitment and connection there regardless, as well as a feeling of loss when they are gone even when you reach a conclusion that another facility can better care for them long-term. So no wonder your wife is struggling with that. Does she think it was for the best or is she feeling like you both made a mistake?

For the best.

Those were some of the wisest words I've read in a while.

 

[Lexicon]

Codependent is a term used in treatment of wives/husbands of alcoholics and druggies, in which the codependent partner takes on the traits of the chemically-dependent partner.

She is emotionally enmeshed with her children.

Not to split hairs, but the term codependence does encompass relationships where one person takes on a caregiving/enabling role, regardless of the absence or presence of substance abuse disorders. It extends to the mentally ill, among others. Enmeshed family pattern can be part of (or a sign of) this, and it's sometimes difficult, if not untilmately pointless, to make the distinction, since the outcome can often be the same.

I don't know you or your wife, which is why I was hazarding a guess. Families bogged down in the turmoil of a BPD family member often have some level of enabling behaviors circulating. It's hard to avoid the sense of responsibility since the severe BPD has no accountablity for their actions/puts it on everyone else. Some people are more or sadly less immune to the sense/degree of responsibility someone w/BPD can impose on others. Lower immunity leads to excessive guilt, walking on eggshells, enabling toxic behaviors. The codependent loses a sense of self to the needs of the toxic person. Much of this has overlap with enmeshment, though.

Either way, it's a hellish way to exist. I hope your stepdaughter can find some semblance of inner peace in a more controlled environment (where toxic behaviors will likely be less tolerated overall/harder boundaries will have to be adhered to), and I hope your wife can embrace the fact that her daughter living elsewhere is probably healthier for everyone involved. Part of being a good parent can be accepting when certain things are simply out of your hands, and involving people with other qualifications will be of benefit to everyone.

 

[iwakar]

My wife is upset because her daughter finally left home at the age of 24. She is not independent however, and never will be. She has just moved to another family home (which is a home for the disabled who can't care for themselves).

I see it a bit differently than my wife.

1. No more Borderline Personality in the house.
2. No more Narcissistic Personality in the house.
3. No more Executive Function Disorder in the house.
4. No more noise, chaos, fighting, name calling, fucking bitch this and fucking bitch that, screaming, and calling the cops or the ambulance for no reason.
5. Etc. (things I won't mention here).

Unfortunately, it also means we won't be reimbursed by the state for caring for her (picking up after her, washing her hair, etc.)
Now we are down to one income: mine. My wife says "we'll make it." Will we? I don't know. We've lost the state income plus my step-daughter's income (some of which she kept for herself, and some which she gave to us). This means we are less $2000 per month income.

The future is always full of uncertainties.

Is there a question here? If so, what?

 

[Mal12345]

Not to split hairs, but the term codependence does encompass relationships where one person takes on a caregiving/enabling role, regardless of the absence or presence of substance abuse disorders. It extends to the mentally ill, among others. Enmeshed family pattern can be part of (or a sign of) this, and it's sometimes difficult, if not untilmately pointless, to make the distinction, since the outcome can often be the same.

I don't know you or your wife, which is why I was hazarding a guess. Families bogged down in the turmoil of a BPD family member often have some level of enabling behaviors circulating. It's hard to avoid the sense of responsibility since the severe BPD has no accountablity for their actions/puts it on everyone else. Some people are more or sadly less immune to the sense/degree of responsibility someone w/BPD can impose on others. Lower immunity leads to excessive guilt, walking on eggshells, enabling toxic behaviors. The codependent loses a sense of self to the needs of the toxic person. Much of this has overlap with enmeshment, though.

Either way, it's a hellish way to exist. I hope your stepdaughter can find some semblance of inner peace in a more controlled environment (where toxic behaviors will likely be less tolerated overall/harder boundaries will have to be adhered to), and I hope your wife can embrace the fact that her daughter living elsewhere is probably healthier for everyone involved. Part of being a good parent can be accepting when certain things are simply out of your hands, and involving people with other qualifications will be of benefit to everyone.

Then the term "codependent" loses all meaning in itself and becomes "enmeshed" with the term "caregiver." If it is "sometimes" difficult or ultimately pointless to maintain the distinction, then the term "codependent" may as well not be used at all. You can extend it to apply to those who care for (which is really to enable) mentally ill behaviors and thought patterns, but only if the codependent person takes on some or all of the characteristics of the mentally ill person, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and morbid dependency. Some websites will also "enmesh" the term "codependent" with "morbidly dependent," but they are not at all equivalent.

I have looked up the term "codependent" on Google and it "enmeshes" it with the word "enabler." A simple example of enabling would be giving an alcoholic money for beer or a heroin addict money for heroin. "Tough love" is a term used when enablers decide to stop enabling.

I very much agree with this: "Lower immunity leads to excessive guilt, walking on eggshells, enabling toxic behaviors. The codependent loses a sense of self to the needs of the toxic person. Much of this has overlap with enmeshment, though."

"Either way, it's a hellish way to exist. I hope your stepdaughter can find some semblance of inner peace in a more controlled environment (where toxic behaviors will likely be less tolerated overall/harder boundaries will have to be adhered to), and I hope your wife can embrace the fact that her daughter living elsewhere is probably healthier for everyone involved. Part of being a good parent can be accepting when certain things are simply out of your hands, and involving people with other qualifications will be of benefit to everyone."

I think a person becomes accustomed to the abuse, but my use of the word "accustomed" is wrong. It's more of a giving up of hope. We're both getting older and we know we can't keep this up forever. Also, she has a 14 year old girl to keep track of who is entering her wild stage.

I share your hope that my step-daughter will find some boundaries, some discipline, and some inner peace, because she lacks all of those traits. She needs a fresh start.

 

[Frosty]

My wife's emotions are of the sentimental type. She will actually miss the yelling and cursing for sentimental reasons. She knows that the quality of care will be better at the new home, because we are both getting too old and sick to put that much energy into her constant demands for this and that. She is 30 years younger than we are. There is also the factor of having to repress emotions over and over again which take its toll over time. So there is psychological damage that comes from caring for someone with her kind of disorders. I've read up on Borderline personality disorder, and those clients, from what I've read, are the most difficult. I predict that, if she doesn't end up coming back here, she will be moved from one family home to another until she ends up in a facility.

Shell miss them because she loves her kid and probably worries about her- especially with all the troubles that you mention she has to suffer with.

I realize that caring for her is tough- but shes young and... probably struggling herself. Life has to be hard when you habe so much against you already.

I really hope the facility thing doesnt happen. How do you support her generally when shes in your home? Does she do therapies like occupational therapy/ect- that might help her adjust to things. Someone to talk to when things feel unfairly hard for her/stacked against her?

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I know the money situation is stressful but it sounds like the situation as it was, reached an untenable threshold.

Money will be tight but peace of mind is very valuable towards productivity and by the sound of it, your step-daughter is probably in a better place for her own health. This could be a transitional win-win.

 

[Mal12345]

Shell miss them because she loves her kid and probably worries about her- especially with all the troubles that you mention she has to suffer with.

I realize that caring for her is tough- but shes young and... probably struggling herself. Life has to be hard when you habe so much against you already.

I really hope the facility thing doesnt happen. How do you support her generally when shes in your home? Does she do therapies like occupational therapy/ect- that might help her adjust to things. Someone to talk to when things feel unfairly hard for her/stacked against her?

She wants to act like a child and be treated like an adult at the same time. She doesn't understand why her 14 year old sister can go and do things without us that she isn't allowed to do. Never mind the fact that the state won't allow it, that it violates the rules set forth by the state for family homes. She's a danger to herself, but she doesn't care about that.

She has group therapy during the week (which I consider to be worthless), and spends four days a week at a state-run center for people with disabilities.

 

[Mal12345]

I know the money situation is stressful but it sounds like the situation as it was, reached an untenable threshold.

Money will be tight but peace of mind is very valuable towards productivity and by the sound of it, your step-daughter is probably in a better place for her own health. This could be a transitional win-win.

For an update, my wife received a text message from the owner of the other family home stating that she was crying on and off, but at present she was on the landline talking to her boyfriend (whoever that is and wherever he lives, far away usually), and has been eating so she has an appetite. It sounds like she hasn't been traumatized by the move. She has a puppy dog she can play with there, and not too far down the road I noticed that there is a dairy with cows and calves which she loves.