Overcoming Perfectionism?

[Littleclaypot]

Ever since I got my final grades back I've been in feeling pretty down on myself because one of the grades was a B+. I should be happy with it because these classes are extremely difficult, and I do work full-time, but but I still just cannot rationalize that it's ok for me to get anything less than A's. I feel like I'm constantly working towards something that isn't realistically obtainable, and these ridiculously high standards always set me up to "fail." (in my eyes). It's exhausting and I hate that I am this way, but I don't know how to stop. This mindset only leads to self deprecation, and lingering thoughts about whether or not I should even continue to try. If it can't be perfect, then I don't even want to try. I know I sound like a sick puppy, but hopefully someone out there can relate.

I've tried to not focus on just the outcome or the end product alone, because that it what I tend to do and I just get tunnel vision, in a sense.
I know perfectionism is something that every personality type can experience, but I feel like the more idealistic types suffer from it more. If you suffer from perfectionism, then how do you overcome, and what coping mechanisms do you use?

 

[Smilephantomhive]

Focus on what you learned instead of your scores. Learning is why you took the class. At least I hope it was.

 

[Obfuscate]

i find that not trying also leads to self depreciation... analyzing your options (cost vs benefit and risk vs reward) may help... making a realistic and comfortable plan can reduce stress, and help you make realistic goals... i wish i had more advice for you...

 

[Littleclaypot]

Focus on what you learned instead of your scores. Learning is why you took the class. At least I hope it was.

That's a really good point. Thank you. I need to look at it more from that perspective.

 

[Littleclaypot]

i find that not trying also leads to self depreciation... analyzing your options (cost vs benefit and risk vs reward) may help... making a realistic and comfortable plan can reduce stress, and help you make realistic goals... i wish i had more advice for you...

Trying.. not trying.. it's all bad! hahaha. Thank you for your response, though. This semester I'm going to try setting more realistic goals. Once I realize I'm engaging in unhealthy behaviors, I can usually do a pretty good job of keeping things under control.. I just kind of spiraled this semester.

 

[Obfuscate]

Trying.. not trying.. it's all bad! hahaha. Thank you for your response, though. This semester I'm going to try setting more realistic goals. Once I realize I'm engaging in unhealthy behaviors, I can usually do a pretty good job of keeping things under control.. I just kind of spiraled this semester.

i tend to think both sides of the majority of dichotomies are bad... we need balance in all things... i am a libra (who doesn't believe in astrology)... i often say and think very libra like things...

it is good that you have confidence in your ability to fix your problem... that is one of the more important aspects of problem solving... i wish you the very best of luck...

 

[Obfuscate]

oh, one more thing:

Studies Find Reward Often No Motivator - GNU Project - Free Software Foundation

 

[Littleclaypot]

i tend to think both sides of the majority of dichotomies are bad... we need balance in all things... i am a libra (who doesn't believe in astrology)... i often say and think very libra like things...

it is good that you have confidence in your ability to fix your problem... that is one of the more important aspects of problem solving... i wish you the very best of luck...

That's very true. I need to somehow balance my ambitious nature. Also, interesting article. Thanks, man!!

 

[meowington]

I've tried to not focus on just the outcome or the end product alone, because that it what I tend to do and I just get tunnel vision, in a sense.
I know perfectionism is something that every personality type can experience, but I feel like the more idealistic types suffer from it more. If you suffer from perfectionism, then how do you overcome, and what coping mechanisms do you use?

Why would you not focus on just the outcome ? I mean to me it's the only thing that ever matters and it frustrates me how most types just ramble about irrelevant stuff when working on an issue.
That tunnel vision is the core of an INFJ (& INTJ). You are not easily gonna change that (coming from a middle aged INFJ).

I don't put much value to test scores or degrees though. What matters are real life accomplishments and results. I'm very pragmatic about that sort of stuff. I've had colleagues with very high engineering degrees who turned out to be total morons in the working field (and vice versa).

 

[Littleclaypot]

Why would you not focus on just the outcome ? I mean to me it's the only thing that ever matters and it frustrates me how most types just ramble about irrelevant stuff when working on an issue.
That tunnel vision is the core of an INFJ (& INTJ). You are not easily gonna change that (coming from a middle aged INFJ).

I don't put much value to test scores or degrees though. What matters are real life accomplishments and results. I'm very pragmatic about that sort of stuff. I've had colleagues with very high engineering degrees who turned out to be total morons in the working field (and vice versa).

Thanks for the reply! It's great to hear from an older INFJ. As far as not focusing on JUST the outcome.. I sometimes get so focused on that, that I don't think about all the things I have to do to reach the end goal, if that makes any sense. I have an idealistic vision of what the outcome will be and if it isn't exactly like that it just hurts really badly.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

External measures are not purely objective - not even grades. They are indicators, but limited. It can be tempting to want there to be some way of definitively identifying who we are and what our strengths are, and so external measurements can aid in forming a concept of self that is accurate. I can understand not wanting to think myself brilliant at math, but then failing every math class. I personally do not want to have any self-delusions about my own ability and so in a way I can value external measures. After my years on both sides of the coin as teacher and student, it has become clear to me over the years that it is not possible to construct definitive external measures. There are external indicators, but nothing with absolute truth value.

Another approach that helps me accept my actual failings is to ask myself if I feel respect for people who are less skilled than myself. Do I think that people with average grades are valuable and deserving of respect? Are funny looking people deserving of respect? What about people who make mistakes? Of course they are deserving of my respect, and so if I genuinely respect others with their flaws, then it only stands to reason to accept my own self with flaws. If I were person who actually rejected anyone with flaws, well, then that would be a huge personal flaw, and yet if I do accept others' flaws, I must accept my own. If I measure myself by a different standard, then I must be assuming I am intrinsically superior, which is also a moral failing. Logic destroys perfectionism in a moral context.

 

[meowington]

I sometimes get so focused on that, that I don't think about all the things I have to do to reach the end goal, if that makes any sense.

It's typical for us to take all details into consideration (which is actually our main talent) (and the downside is we become overwhelmed from time to time and actually feel as if we're missing stuff.)
But you have to take into consideration that most people don't bother to think about "all the things" at all.
Don't be too hard on yourself.

I have an idealistic vision of what the outcome will be and if it isn't exactly like that it just hurts really badly.

Of course. The same, even after all these years. Not much advice I can give on that

 

[Littleclaypot]

It's typical for us to take all details into consideration (which is actually our main talent) (and the downside is we become overwhelmed from time to time and actually feel as if we're missing stuff.)
But you have to take into consideration that most people don't bother to think about "all the things" at all.
Don't be too hard on yourself.



Of course. The same, even after all these years. Not much advice I can give on that

Thank you! I really appreciate it. I'm feeling much better. I think next semester I won't be so uptight about it, hahaha.

 

[Littleclaypot]

External measures are not purely objective - not even grades. They are indicators, but limited. It can be tempting to want there to be some way of definitively identifying who we are and what our strengths are, and so external measurements can aid in forming a concept of self that is accurate. I can understand not wanting to think myself brilliant at math, but then failing every math class. I personally do not want to have any self-delusions about my own ability and so in a way I can value external measures. After my years on both sides of the coin as teacher and student, it has become clear to me over the years that it is not possible to construct definitive external measures. There are external indicators, but nothing with absolute truth value.

Another approach that helps me accept my actual failings is to ask myself if I feel respect for people who are less skilled than myself. Do I think that people with average grades are valuable and deserving of respect? Are funny looking people deserving of respect? What about people who make mistakes? Of course they are deserving of my respect, and so if I genuinely respect others with their flaws, then it only stands to reason to accept my own self with flaws. If I were person who actually rejected anyone with flaws, well, then that would be a huge personal flaw, and yet if I do accept others' flaws, I must accept my own. If I measure myself by a different standard, then I must be assuming I am intrinsically superior, which is also a moral failing. Logic destroys perfectionism in a moral context.

Ah, beautiful, thank you! You are absolutely right.

 

[á´…eparted]

My perfectionism runs very deep, and unfortunately it is the maladaptive form of it. It's taken me very far in life, but it's come at a tremendous cost.

The most important tool that has gotten me help with it is therapy. The core feature for me is I fear making a mistake, less so with doing perfect on everything. This makes things more paralyzing than anything. If I get overwhelmed on tasks that I don't feel appropriately skilled at, I will freeze and think I will do too poorly to make it through to the end. I lose site of the "it's the journey that matters" aspect of it all, and tend to feel like unless the entire process is free of mistakes then I failed and am not good enough. This starts pulling on me being 1w2 but I feel I am inferior unless I can do everything perfectly at every step at the way. I realize that is a contradiction to me previously saying it has less to do with doing everything perfect- this is because it's largely subconscious. I never really cared about getting straight A's- tiny mistakes happen to everyone. However, I approached it like I had to feel like everything came easy or I was not perfect enough. So in reality I DO think everything needs to be done to perfection.

The reason I explained that is it's important to try and dig in to figure out the root of what drives the perfectionsim, and it might not be apparent on the surface, even if you think you know the answer. This is why therapy can help.

I wish I had better coping mechanisms because it is an issue that seems to come up with nearly every aspect of my life. I recently got a cat and have been incredibly stressed about her because I felt like I was doing the whole "being a pet owner" thing wrong. Didn't realize it until a friend pointed it out. Ultimately, friends, co-workers, and others have been the best source of relief. They'll point out when my perfectionism is getting in the way, and it can aid in me seeing it to try and work past it in spite of it. Granted, I tend not to listen/believe in them, so it's always a work in progress.

Hopefully that adds some prospective.

 

[Littleclaypot]

My perfectionism runs very deep, and unfortunately it is the maladaptive form of it. It's taken me very far in life, but it's come at a tremendous cost.

The most important tool that has gotten me help with it is therapy. The core feature for me is I fear making a mistake, less so with doing perfect on everything. This makes things more paralyzing than anything. If I get overwhelmed on tasks that I don't feel appropriately skilled at, I will freeze and think I will do too poorly to make it through to the end. I lose site of the "it's the journey that matters" aspect of it all, and tend to feel like unless the entire process is free of mistakes then I failed and am not good enough. This starts pulling on me being 1w2 but I feel I am inferior unless I can do everything perfectly at every step at the way. I realize that is a contradiction to me previously saying it has less to do with doing everything perfect- this is because it's largely subconscious. I never really cared about getting straight A's- tiny mistakes happen to everyone. However, I approached it like I had to feel like everything came easy or I was not perfect enough. So in reality I DO think everything needs to be done to perfection.

The reason I explained that is it's important to try and dig in to figure out the root of what drives the perfectionsim, and it might not be apparent on the surface, even if you think you know the answer. This is why therapy can help.

I wish I had better coping mechanisms because it is an issue that seems to come up with nearly every aspect of my life. I recently got a cat and have been incredibly stressed about her because I felt like I was doing the whole "being a pet owner" thing wrong. Didn't realize it until a friend pointed it out. Ultimately, friends, co-workers, and others have been the best source of relief. They'll point out when my perfectionism is getting in the way, and it can aid in me seeing it to try and work past it in spite of it. Granted, I tend not to listen/believe in them, so it's always a work in progress.

Hopefully that adds some prospective.

Thank you! My friends and family definitely help me realize when I'm acting like a crazy asshole, hahahaha. I'm glad therapy has helped you. I would probably benefit from therapy, as well. I'm pretty sure I know what the root of my perfectionism is. Oh and I can totally relate to the getting a cat and thinking you're doing it wrong.. even basic stuff I sometimes I feel like I'm not doing "correctly." Sigh. Thanks again for the reply! =)

 

[EcK]

I hope you re not looking for a perfect solution

 

[Littleclaypot]

I hope you re not looking for a perfect solution

Nah.. was just feeling like a crazy asshole for a minute

 

[EcK]

Nah.. was just feeling like a crazy asshole for a minute

 

[Littleclaypot]

Interesting diagram