Disappointment and loss are the two emotions I find most confounding and challenging. Not one member on this forum has been immune to loss.
I am interested in how you have dealt with: a break-up, loss of a job, a pet dying, something you care about deeply that breaks, a special person moving away, a friendship fading away, losing health, a loved one's death, letting a dream go etc?
I have to be honest that this forum has helped immensely with processing the loss of my spouse. I will include a couple images (below) that people sent or posted that have helped me immensely.
But, I hope this thread contains more than just dealing with death.
Please share your experiences about ALL types of losses you have been through or fear experiencing.
What (if anything) has helped you?
What have you found helps others?
I am dedicating this thread to [MENTION=25763]Enthusiastic_Dreamer[/MENTION] who is dear to me, and just lost his Father.
The nature of a loss depends on the nature of the original emotional bond.
Emotional bonds are psychological connections of recognition or identity. The following are emotional bonds:
--Identification with a tribe, nationality, or country. For example: "America, right or wrong," "We Baptists are saved and all the rest of you are hell-bound," "Liberals are cool, and all Republicans suck."
--Identification with a concept, idea, or occupation. For example: "The INFP mentality describes me perfectly," "They'll take my gun from me when they remove it from my cold, dead fingers," "I'm an intellectual / athlete / scientist / joker / plumber / philosopher / Crazy Eddy, the used car king of Macon County--c'mon down and I'll make you a deal."
--Identification with an iconic person or group of people. For example: Adulation for Paris Hilton, the Beatles, Karl Marx, Che Guevara, Ayn Rand, favorite actors or singers, etc.
--Bond with cherished objects. For example: Family heirlooms, personal keepsakes, favorite collectibles, personal taste in furnishings and room decor, etc.
--Bond with a favorite place. For example: whatever one considers "home," a favorite vacation spot, identification with a certain environment ("I'm a country boy at heart")
--Bond with a pet
--Friendship
--Passion and love
--And so on.
So how do these bonds form?
The experts say that when we form emotional bonds, we're like plants shooting out tendrils toward objects around us. If the tendrils find a comfortable place (a point of commonality or recognition or identity) to attach on another person, object, or idea, then the tendril can wrap around the other object firmly. If the attachment/tendril/bond is nourished and supported by other bonds, then it can grow strong.
Conversely, if an emotional bond is established but time and events work against the bond, it can atrophy and wither away. If an emotional bond is established and something breaks it suddenly (sudden disillusionment with a favorite idea, being suddenly uprooted from a favorite environment, betrayal by a friend, death of a lover), then a psychological injury occurs at the point of the broken bond and some form of melancholy or mourning is experienced to varying degrees.
Some emotional bonds are actually composites of many different types of bonds simultaneously. For example:
A bond with a cherished family heirloom may consist of all of the following simultaneously: a bond with the object itself; a bond with an idea--that the object somehow encapsulates a part of the family history; a bond of identity--that I'm a caretaker of family history by preserving the heirloom; and so on. Accidentally breaking that heirloom may bring on a feeling of grief much deeper than expected, because of the multitude of bonds suddenly broken all at once.
Similarly, a friendship may start with a single bond: a shared appreciation for a single activity or idea or event. If the friendship never develops beyond that single bond or attachment (the friends never try to establish more bonds or they are unable to find other things in common), then the friendship will remain shallow and tentative. Strong friendships are built from the attachment of multiple bonds: Finding multiple similarities, sharing multiple experiences together, etc. Thus, even very dissimilar people can become friends after enough time together, simply by virtue of sharing experiences together. They say that your closest friends aren't necessarily the people you like the most; they are often simply the people you spend the most time with.
And so on. The nature and quantity of the bonds is even more complex with family and with lovers. But you get the idea of how emotional bonds work.
Anyway, to get back to the subject of loss: If an emotional bond is established and something breaks it suddenly, then a psychological injury occurs at the point of the broken bond and some form of melancholy or mourning is experienced to varying degrees. Mourning and melancholy are part of the healing process. (Traditionally, mourning is a healthy healing process leading to accommodation with the loss and a return to happiness; whereas melancholy is a healing process that "gets stuck" and leaves the mourner in a semi-permanent state of grief and pain.)
If an emotional bond is actually a composite of many smaller bonds over time, then what seems to be one painful rupture or wound may turn out to be many smaller wounds that can individually pain you when random events or associations irritate each individual wound. Hence, you can feel that you've gotten over a split or a death in the short-term, but over the longer-term you continue to get sideswiped by little irruptions of emotion and reminders of the loss at unexpected times or for unexpected reasons.
How do *I* handle this? Well, first off I remember the psychological theory that I expounded above, and I remind myself that these little wounds (torn psychic tendrils) will in fact heal with time. So even if nothing else is done, I can just hunker down, keep myself occupied, and I will in fact get over it.
Second, I just make new friends and keep on partying. For example, I pay attention to the pains that pop up as a result of the passing of a friend: I make an inventory of how many holes or "wounds" the passing of the other person left in my life, and I plot ways to fill those holes or patch those wounds with new events or people. If I used to have coffee with a deceased friend and now I feel depressed whenever coffee times rolls around, then I say, "Fuck it, I need a new coffee partner," and I seek out some new company for coffee-time. Or I drop the coffee ritual altogether and hit the gym instead at that time.
IOW, I use that theory about emotional bonds and the mourning mechanism to steer me through the emotions that pop up and find alternate paths so that I can sidestep those wounds until they've healed a bit. It's like putting up with physical injuries after a bad accident; you accept them, work around them, and keep up your normal routine as best you can. Eventually the wounds heal, you're back to normal, and life goes on. Hence, I "keep on partying."
. 
