Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

[Cloudpatrol]

I am a fan IRL of everything you wrote above [MENTION=12103]Poki[/MENTION]. I see that I took what you initially said in a limited fashion. Thanks for correcting me

[MENTION=22064]RedAmazoneFriendZone[/MENTION]

I totally get why you say that (laughs).

If I am honest, I would admit that there were years when I would not have qualified myself - for such a certificate.

I played games, was hot and cold, didn't know how to communicate...

BUT, I'm grateful for the people who were in relationships with me and taught me how to 'love' more effectively.

Messiness isn't necessarily bad, non? Things that don't work out usually teach us huge lessons about what we need to do differently the next time.

Old lovers can (sometimes) transition to quality friends.

I think the confusion I have is when people are unhappy/unsatisfied: but fear breaking up to the point of not pursuing change. Especially, I guess if there is marriage or children added to the equation...

 

[cascadeco]

Point a^: I understand the basic need for human companionship and acceptance. I still can't totally wrap my head around the WHY of seeking it with someone who isn't meeting the needs/having their needs met, for that fulfillment?

I'm particularly fascinated by people who feel lonely or unstimulated IN a relationship but still view being alone as worse? When I've been single, it hasn't entirely sucked

It's a good question. Regarding people who view being alone as being WORSE than being lonely or unstimulated in a relationship, I think maybe there are several possibilities. It could be the person thinks being alone/single is a stigma, something they are embarrassed about, think will be judged by friends or family, don't want to feel that or get questions or comments directed towards them, simply don't want to come home to an empty place, all by themselves. There is something that's still *comforting* to having *someone*, I think -- on some level, I think two people who are miserable together are still *together* -- they're choosing to be miserable together, thus there's some sort of solidarity and un-aloneness, maybe? I'm not sure.

I too struggle to see the benefit of being in a miserable relationship vs being alone, but having lived alone for most of my adult life, it's no party either. Not that I'd choose to be in a terrible relationship, because I don't think I'm that person, and I do end up staying single vs chronically dating, but I think some people just really have this super engrained FEAR of being alone -- they're so intensely uncomfortable with the thought of it that I think they really would prefer to be in a bad relationship than be alone [I have a friend who I swear has only been OUT of a relationship for maybe 6 months of her entire dating/married/dating-again life, and she's 39 now].

Where does the worry about not finding another person come from? I have friends who have this fear and I really want to understand where they are coming from better. If you met one person, why wouldn't you be able to meet another if you aren't well-suited with the current? Even if a person didn't perceive of themselves as attractive - there are MANY average looking people who find someone. There are SO many people and options.

Well, I think some people (like my aforementioned friend ) don't really have an issue of being 'in demand' and easily meeting people, dating, and finding people. But there's a huge segment of the population that for one reason or another (pickiness, shyness, not wanting to online date, not being in circles where they meet people, not having Fe which helps matters and makes one more charming and warm/likeable (hehe.. I kid, but partially don't kid, lol) just being socially awkward or whatnot, any number of things), don't easily meet people they want to get involved with. I think that's part of where the 'omg I may never meet anyone else again' comes in. Sometimes it might take years before one gets into another relationship. Sometimes not. But I think it's the unpredictability of it --- that's where the fear comes in.

If I am leasing a car and am not entirely pleased with how it fits my personal needs (gas mileage, leg room, number of cup holders ) then I am most definitely NOT going to buy the car when the lease runs out. So, why do people who are not well-suited or entirely happy while dating - continue on into marriage?

I don't know. I actually think in many cases they may not even be fully aware they're not happy? Perhaps they're accustomed to those sorts of dynamics due to how they were raised / it's all they know? Thus it's 'normal' for them? Else, if they know they're kind of unhappy... I don't know... something else must be going on that trumps that then, and they justify it somehow; maybe there are great things and they don't want to give up the great things so they put up with the crappy things? Maybe they just really want to get married and are clueless as to their motivations behind why they're with the person in the first place?

 

[Cloudpatrol]

I wish I could properly express how thankful I am for your insights [MENTION=1206]cascadeco[/MENTION]. They helped me clearly see where my disconnects are.


I don't mind being alone, am excited by (rather than fear) unpredictability and have a lifestyle that constantly exposes me to new people. But, I can imagine different ways and want to. Thinking about differences in approach, helps me to see where people may be coming from (& not fall into the trap of judging what I don't understand). I am grateful to you: for giving my mind a jumping off point.


I DO see how being alone affects people in different ways. ie. My Brother (also an introvert) prefers to be around people 24/7. The more noise and people in a house the happier he is. He always had room-mates when he was single, whereas I enjoy living alone. Even when I have chosen to live with Loves, I enjoy being "in the same room/house" while each is left to their own pursuits. Or the times when socializing is over, and we have the house "back to ourselves". When I was a kid, I LOVED it when everyone else was gone from the house.


I also value the points you raise about differing levels of self-awareness, deeply held motivations and emotional priorities. Good stuff to chew on.