Questions about existential crises

[ThaumaturgicTheorist]

1. When and how did you first become aware of death, and/or that you would one day die?

2. When did you start having existential crises/depression, particularly any related to the "meaninglessness" resulting from life's finiteness?



The possibility of a correlation popped into my head and I wanted to check it with some smart people.

 

[ceecee]

1. My grandfather was killed in a terrible car accident when I was 9. I then realized that a) most people handle death poorly and b) don't drink and drive.
2. Never. It's something I know will happen one day. I don't think beyond that, outside of making sure my family is financially cared for after I'm gone. My life isn't meaningless, it never has been. I would think if you are depressed about life's finiteness, you might want to first consider the irony, then get some help with it.

 

[Frosty]

I was 12. That was the first and only time I had a plan to kill myself- because... I just got SLAMMED with the percieved meaninglessness of everything.

But a friend saw it- and that was enough. Just, promises of one more day, one more day, one more. Until- no longer needed.

To myself mostly.

It was hard. When you are a kid- no one takes you seriously. Its puberty. You cant be depressed, now go out and play.

When everything that is supposed to be exciting turns into- but why. Because we make it so? If thats true- than there is nothing. Nothing real. Except life and death- except waiting for death.

Spiral spiral spiral.

But yeah. That and just recently were my worst ever feelings of depression.

Existential... Is hard to deal with. Because those questions CANT be answered, not definitevely. Its all about learning how to be satisfied with that. And that- on its own- the idea of it- well, its sort of... Ironic to a budding nihilist. Hard to swallow.

But doable. And then, the mort- IVE been able to do that- the more actuallt Ive been able to deal with it. To even have times where its... So distant- thats its interesting and not in the least bit painful or really depressing- to think abouf.

 

[Smilephantomhive]

1. I don't remember my exact age, but my Uncle died and my mom explained how death was when your body just shut down or something like that. I remember thinking of how terrible that was and how I didn't want it to happen to me, but I didn't dwell on it much. Not then at least.

2.I did have an existential crisis about death when I was 15. I think questioning Christianity was the biggest factor in it. When you believe in some sort of afterlife it is easier to accept death because your existence isn't in danger, just your physical body. Thinking about the fact that you might not exist one day is terrifying, but dwelling on it won't change anything. Looking after your health and not doing stupid shit can help lengthen your life, but it is easy to become obsessed with taking precautions especially if you think about death a lot. So yeah losing faith made me feel vulnerable, but I try not to think about it. Instead I think of some possible things I could achieve and try to make the best out of the life I have. And I try to remember that when I die I'll either get another chance at life or it will be as though I'm asleep and I won't feel anymore pain.


What possible correlations are you thinking about?

 

[ThaumaturgicTheorist]

What possible correlations are you thinking about?

My hypothesis was that those who first became really aware of death via a concrete experience - typically the loss of a loved one - are less likely to experience significant, long-lasting existential depression involving death or meaninglessness than those who only understand it abstractly (from reading, philosophizing, etc).

It's long bothered me that I never had an existential thought in my head unil I was 17, especially considering I learned about death at 7, more or less watching my dad die. I didn't dwell or get existential at all - it's just a thing that happens. Even now, I tend to get much more distressed by the idea that I'm handling existential subjects wrong than by the subjects themselves. Indeed, the idea that death renders life meaningless is kind of nonsensical to me, but much smarter people seem to reach that conclusion so who am I to contest it...

Somehow this idea hit me after reading another person's account of experiencing existential depression ever since they learned they would one day die, and again wondering how it is I never experienced the same thing. Am I stupid? Well, yeah, but it ocucrred to me that maybe it has something to do with my early experiences with the notion of death instead.

 

[Kas]

 
I knew the concept of death before. I remember that we once accidentally killed a butterfly with other kids (we wanted to catch it)when I was 4-5 years old and we buried it in matchbox in the garden. First time though when death bothered me and I started to think that everything will end was after my grandfather died. Funeral moved me, it was an open coffin funeral and he didn’t even look like my grandfather anymore. Afterwards I kept thinking is there’s nothing later and I kept having nightmares about everyone I love dying and suffering and that I must look at it, that’s what I was afraid more than dying-pain and loneliness.

After that I never had a crisis caused by life’s finiteness. I’m not saying it doesn’t make me freeze, scared, angry or worried sometimes, but life teaches humbleness and it’s just part of the cycle.

 

[magpie]

1. I don't know the exact age, all I know is I was younger than seven because it was at my first house. I remember my sister crying and my mom comforting her because she'd realized what death is. At first I didn't understand what she was upset about but then it just clicked and I knew.

2. I guess I carried the knowledge around with me for a bit after that, as a young child. I don't think I've really had an existential crisis relating to death though. I did have to deal with some potentially life-threatening health issues recently, so that motivated me to start thinking about life and death again. But I just carried the knowledge with me, it didn't destroy me. It wasn't what I'd call a crisis. There was no existential grief when I was trying to kill myself; I just lost the fear of death completely. It was pretty liberating, to be honest.

 

[Hawthorne]

I can't trace a specific event or moment.

My concern had more to do with not having enough time to realize all my potential. I was biding my time for the moment to live. Imposing conditionals that were arbitrary but comforting in their own way and waiting for a "ready, set" that I never stuck with. In some year past, I clued into the pattern and finally threw myself off the lift. I think most things have been better since.

 

[violet_crown]

1. When and how did you first become aware of death, and/or that you would one day die?

I don't remember being unaware of death. My first really visceral experience with mortality was when I was probably 6 or 7 years old.

I walked in on my mom and grandmother watching a movie called The Piano at pretty much the worst conceivable moment. There's a really dramatic scene at the climax of the movie where the protagonist's husband chops her finger off with an axe, and I just shrieked when I saw it. I remember it very clearly as first time that it had occurred to me that that kind of violence was even possible. It was shattering.

2. When did you start having existential crises/depression, particularly any related to the "meaninglessness" resulting from life's finiteness?

Death doesn't frighten me, because I've always been ambivalent about living.

On the one hand, living is pretty miserable. People experience suffering, exploitation, brutality and all kinds of unimaginable things on a daily basis. Death's the only definite end to all of that shit.

On the other, there's a lot of incredible things that happen in this life. It constantly surprises me with how remarkably beautiful the world is. The closer I get to 30, the more aware I become of how brief the time I have here to experience all the extraordinary, insane, fucked up, amazing, lovely things there are in life. It intensifies my drive to experience, do and create as much as possible.

I want to be consumed by this life, and for there to be nothing left when I'm done with it.

 

[Avocado]

1. My grandfather was killed in a terrible car accident when I was 9. I then realized that a) most people handle death poorly and b) don't drink and drive.
2. Never. It's something I know will happen one day. I don't think beyond that, outside of making sure my family is financially cared for after I'm gone. My life isn't meaningless, it never has been. I would think if you are depressed about life's finiteness, you might want to first consider the irony, then get some help with it.

It is very ironic, but still very common. Medicine and therapy didn't help me, so I stopped taking the medicine and going to therapy. Eating gives me a temporary lift, though, so I eat a lot, and believe so long as I make enough money to eat whatever I want whenever I want, I can feel alright.

 

[ceecee]

It is very ironic, but still very common. Medicine and therapy didn't help me, so I stopped taking the medicine and going to therapy. Eating gives me a temporary lift, though, so I eat a lot, and believe so long as I make enough money to eat whatever I want whenever I want, I can feel alright.

It is mind numbly unhealthy to medicate and comfort yourself with food. You need therapy badly. I don't really care how that sounds to you.

 

[EcK]

1&2:
I remember coming downstairs and crying uncontrollably telling my mom i didnt want to die and just stop existing. My mother ofc gave me recomforting bs about heaven. I remember not believing her. Judging by my size relative to the stairs i was between 2 and grand maximum 5. Probably 2-3. I ll ask my mom (maybe)

Noone had died in the family - my grand father died when i was 4 to early 5 - so had to be before.



2: that was it. Figured it out before preschool. Assumed other kids were retarded when realised they hadn't


also regarding "meaning" in op

Also: trying to ascribe meaning to facts is simply people not getting that the universe is not a human being - so quit anthropomorphing it, it's bizarre.

 

[ThaumaturgicTheorist]

It is mind numbly unhealthy to medicate and comfort yourself with food. You need therapy badly. I don't really care how that sounds to you.

"Mind numbingly unhealthy"? Sounds a bit extreme.

If you're going to self-medicate and seek comfort, it might as well be with food.

 

[Avocado]

It is mind numbly unhealthy to medicate and comfort yourself with food. You need therapy badly. I don't really care how that sounds to you.

I tried those religiously for a while, and I didn't notice a difference, even after a year of cycling through different medications and therapists. I eventually realized those so-called professionals just want my money, and that's why they won't help me, so I stopped and do not intend to go back. Unless there is a different kind of therapy out there, food works well enough in the short term. One reason I like buffets is it is endless food for just a small bill. When I'm done eating, I sleep if I don't have to work. That's one thing that bothers me at work--I have my own problems and don't want to get involved in theirs. That said, it pays alright and my company is so large, I can just go to another store for hours if I'm cycled out of one store. I do it all the time. The restaurant servers are always so nice, too.

 

[ceecee]

"Mind numbingly unhealthy"? Sounds a bit extreme.

If you're going to self-medicate and seek comfort, it might as well be with food.

Extreme? Any doctor would agree with me. When you weigh 300, 400, 500 pounds and your body is essentially dying with every breath you take, come talk to me about how well food replaces actual medical care and therapy. I see this kind of thing all the time in my work and almost every physical thing wrong never had to happen, had they actually addressed their real mental and emotional issues.

 

[EcK]

Extreme? Any doctor would agree with me. When you weigh 300, 400, 500 pounds and your body is essentially dying with every breath you take, come talk to me about how well food replaces actual medical care and therapy. I see this kind of thing all the time in my work and almost every physical thing wrong never had to happen, had they actually addressed their real mental and emotional issues.

Yes and reasoning away his/her compulsions will help.
If he gave you 400 bucks to tie him up , gag him and whatever else rocks your boat - fine.

But otherwise i see no valid reason to belittle the guy.

 

[CitizenErased]

1. When and how did you first become aware of death, and/or that you would one day die?

2. When did you start having existential crises/depression, particularly any related to the "meaninglessness" resulting from life's finiteness?

1. Since always and never at the same time. Since age 4 I don't believe in Heaven, and I was the spokesperson of death: "what do you want to do before you die?/how many years do you think you'll live? Why the hell would you want to be immortal?", and such. Two grandparents died, and I just shrugged it off. They were old, it was expected. I realized my first grandfather (the one I had more contact with) had died like 3 years after, when I got stuck in an elevator with an old man who had the same fragrance as my grandpa. Only then (and only that moment) I missed him. It struck harder when a friend from my childhood who I hadn't seen/heard of in years commited suicide, because it was like the realization that someone young is not there anymore kind of makes a hole in the memories, I don't know, it's like having the preview/thumbnail of someone but nt being able to access to the "archive" anymore. Anyway, I felt strange for a couple of days and then I forgot about it.

2. My existential crisis and depression aren't related at all to the meaninglessness of the finite human versus the infiniteness of the universe (it's the Romanticism core, btw). I am well aware that, to the world per se, and the universe per se, I mean nothing. I'm just here because of a natural "accident". The whole humanity can disappear, and no one will care or miss us. The entire planet can disappear and no one will care. Outside the atmosphere there's complete silence. I'm fine with that. In fact, I find it fascinating. I'm just enjoying my five senses and my ability to think in a world that in a couple billion years will no longer exist, learning things that will only go with me to the grave... to be honest, for me meaninglessness is freeing. I always think what a fool I'd be if instead of seizing the opportunity to see and learn and be amazed by the world that surrounds me, I was so caught up trying to figure out my "purpose" or destiny or being sad because I'll no longer be alive in a couple dozen years that I'd waste my time.

Of course, human things happen to humans because of the "humanity" (as in social construct, artificial world, culture, whatever) we developed, so all of that tends to come in second, covered by loads of crap that make one depressed. Fortunately for me, death or meaninglessness is not one of the reasons.

 

[ThaumaturgicTheorist]

2. My existential crisis and depression aren't related at all to the meaninglessness of the finite human versus the infiniteness of the universe (it's the Romanticism core, btw). I am well aware that, to the world per se, and the universe per se, I mean nothing. I'm just here because of a natural "accident". The whole humanity can disappear, and no one will care or miss us. The entire planet can disappear and no one will care. Outside the atmosphere there's complete silence. I'm fine with that. In fact, I find it fascinating. I'm just enjoying my five senses and my ability to think in a world that in a couple billion years will no longer exist, learning things that will only go with me to the grave... to be honest, for me meaninglessness is freeing. I always think what a fool I'd be if instead of seizing the opportunity to see and learn and be amazed by the world that surrounds me, I was so caught up trying to figure out my "purpose" or destiny or being sad because I'll no longer be alive in a couple dozen years that I'd waste my time.

See, I'm not toally convinced of the whole sense of meaninglessness surrounding the "infiniteness of the universe". I've yet to find it frightening or depressing, but incredibly fascinating or exhilarating, even empowering. Then points like yours about "we could disappear and no none would care" trip me up, because I know I shouldn't feel the way I do. I have a hard time seeing why that even matters, why does there need to be some other consciousness to care about what we do? Why does one's existence need to affect the entire universe to be "meaningful", especially seeing how meaning requires a discerning consciousness.

I consdier myself a romanticist at heart too but still wrestle with this every now and then.

...

I'm doing thinking wrong and this is why I made the thread.

 

[Lillita]

1. At some point during childhood; can't say exactly when or how other than before teen years.
2. I don't think I had thoughts about it as a teen, but have periodically as an adult. It's depressing at first, but ultimately even if reality were whatever one's idea of utopia/perfect is, it still wouldn't change the inherent meaning/purpose or lack thereof.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

1. When and how did you first become aware of death, and/or that you would one day die?

When I was about 9 or 10, I was target shooting and was dared to hit a squirrel on a fence about 15 yards away. I killed the squirrel. Cried. Taught me about guns and actions have consequences. Death has permanence.

As far as myself dying, it is what it is. I can honestly say I haven't had a fear of death. I don't think I react normally to death. Even my father's/grandfathers. I just think it's natural. I know I don't handle it like other people, whatever that means. Someone taken by murder would be different, I think. But accidents and life events/health issues - I think is part of life.


2. When did you start having existential crises/depression, particularly any related to the "meaninglessness" resulting from life's finiteness?

I haven't. Maybe I will when I get to be 70. If I do.