How does that make you feel?

[five sounds]

At this point, I have no idea what you're doing posting on this forum and why you aren't seeking professional help. Of course, if you say your family knows every doctor and can influence their dx through mind control, then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe wrap yourself in foil and start writing a conspiracy theory blog.

i thought she said she was brainstorming ideas for writing, right?

 

[ceecee]

i thought she said she was brainstorming ideas for writing, right?

Right.

 

[Bush]

I'll bite, regardless of intention. Hooray introspection!!

Imagine:
Your mother has always been shall we say, voluptuous, with fair skin and an aquiline nose. She was your mother growing up and became your friend in adulthood.

Yeah.. I'd probably develop a huge Oedipus complex and have this kaleidoscopic veil of shame dangling in front of my eyes until I die.

okay not really but heh a joke

You moved away from home quite a long time ago, so she keeps you informed about you father, brother and sisters. She tells you that none of them are doing very well, and that the entire family is poor.

.. however, apparently that complex wouldn't have me competing with my deadbeat father. So I guess I wouldn't have the full-on complex -- just the fucked-up sexual attraction to my own mother. Wow!! What a relief that is!!

She tells you that your sister can’t find a job and that she lives off your parents, who are barely able to keep food on the table. Your other sister has no skills to speak of so she got married and had kids. Your brother is a high functioning autistic person.

Because of what you were told, you believe that perhaps you are the smartest and most talented person in your family, and are the one they will all come to depend on at different times. You work hard, but know you’ll never be able to support anyone but yourself.

Yeah, I would've felt that it was my responsibility to keep my family afloat. It'd be all I knew, y'know?

Soon afterwards however, you find out that your mother was lying to you about herself and your entire family. She isn’t voluptuous. Her nose is not aquiline - it was all a disqguise.

...oh. Thank fucking God. Oedipus averted.

Your sister isn’t living off your parents because she cant find a job. Your sister has many jobs, mostly those of Hollywood actress and rock star. She’s a millionaire and so are your parents. Your brother isn’t autistic, he’s just plain brilliant. And your sister who got married and had kids is an artist and craftsperson. You realize that you never were the smartest or most talented, in fact just the opposite.

You find out that all of them have been following you, literally following you, since you left home. They went on the camping trip with you and your boyfriend - of course they stayed out of sight but they were there. Your mother worked as the art director in one of the first “real” jobs you ever had. But you didn't recognize her because she was in disguise. Your cousins worked there too, but you didn’t know that either. They followed you across the country when you moved there with your boyfriend, and they followed you back to the state where you first met him - always there, but in disguise. You parents knew about every sexual movement you ever made and even watched films of you having sex that your cousins, who you thought were random people, made of you. Yes, you slept with your cousin because once again, you didn’t know. How does that make you feel?

Yeah.. this whole thing was cemented in my head over the course of a few decades. Kind of a big deal.

For a lack of ability to put it into words -- I would feel absolutely betrayed and likely unable to trust people in general for years. Throw in a huge dose of depression as well, since not only was my external life a lie; so too was my internal one -- my lack of competence and my apparent naivete would loom over me. It'd probably take a move and a fresh start to even begin to cope. Sever my old life; hope for a new one; hope my past doesn't come back to haunt me.

Before that, though -- well, I'm a vengeful enough person that I'd exact revenge. I would obsess over finding enough evidence to incriminate one or all of them to get their asses booted into prison for as long as possible. After something like that? "Live and let live" my fuckin' ass. Justice needs to be served, and sometimes the system needs a bit of a nudge to make that happen.

I'd hope to Christ, for their sake, that they would never seek reconciliation.

 

[GIjade]

At this point, I have no idea what you're doing posting on this forum and why you aren't seeking professional help. Of course, if you say your family knows every doctor and can influence their dx through mind control, then I don't know what to tell you. Maybe wrap yourself in foil and start writing a conspiracy theory blog.

Cee Cee, you're truly an INTJ.

 

[laterlazer]

1. Disgusted with the cousins + curious as to what my fam's reasoning was for lying and following me everywhere, what was the aim? Either way I'd disappear from their presence pretty swiftly and permanently. #FamilyDisowned
2. Flattered that my body is good enough to be put in Playboy without doing an official photo-shoot woop. And gonna have to sue little old Hugh and make some cash after I win in court. Happy if the people that were meant to be dead were people I liked, opposite if I hated them.
3. Like I need to dump his ass asap and enjoy life a lot more~

 

[RedAmazoneFriendZone]

All that sounds like one lonely striking word to my senses : HUMILIATION .

 

[miss fortune]

*shaves head, dons a shit ton of leather clothing, picks up machete and becomes vigilante*

 

[Betty Blue]

I'd think I was in a psychological thriller novel, or crazy. I'd want to wash myself clean.

 

[Santosha]

How does that make you feel?

Even the best imaginations would have a hard time grasping the complexity of how all these events could come together and make someone feel. Terrible, obviously. Words would fail. And I know there are people on this forum who, while perhaps not experiencing these exact circumstances, are well-acquainted with severe psychological manipulation, various abuses, etc. The only thing I can tell you, is that your feelings are valid. They are valid, regardless of how much of what you've written is 'real-life' experience, or imaginative that help you more safely process and share with others. But I'll tell you, you don't need to justify 'broken-ness' to anyone. If you are there, your there. It is what it is. And no amount of feeling for you, in sharing this pain, in attempts to empathize or sympathize, can change that you are there. In fact, they might even serve to keep you there. "If I can show the world how wronged I've been, then everyone will agree that these feelings are perfectly acceptable, that it's okay that I'm broken. And if I can get them to agree, then it makes it easier for me to accept it myself" taken too far, can become a trap of 'now I can stay in this state of pain, suffering, anger, fear, shame, condemnation, hate, for as long as I want. Forever."

And why does someone want (even subconsciously) to stay in this place? For a number of reasons. One being that the fear of changing a perspective can sometimes appear to be more painful and vulnerable, that the current state of suffering.

What would it mean if you could let this all go? And by that, I don't mean pretending it didn't happen, tolerating these behaviors in the future, burying the level of pain it caused you previously. But what if you could re-frame the way you look at it NOW, so that it isn't occupying your thoughts NOW, or having such a clutch on how you view yourself now, or how you interact with the world.

Would that mean you have no boundaries? That you've lost part of your identity? Would it make you a less moral/ethical person, who has lost the battle by setting aside your values or principles...

I am not asking or expecting an answer to these questions. More that you reflect on them, because doing so helped me personally, quite a bit. And if it doesn't feel right for you, then obviously, pursue what does.

 

[GIjade]

Even the best imaginations would have a hard time grasping the complexity of how all these events could come together and make someone feel. Terrible, obviously. Words would fail. And I know there are people on this forum who, while perhaps not experiencing these exact circumstances, are well-acquainted with severe psychological manipulation, various abuses, etc. The only thing I can tell you, is that your feelings are valid. They are valid, regardless of how much of what you've written is 'real-life' experience, or imaginative that help you more safely process and share with others. But I'll tell you, you don't need to justify 'broken-ness' to anyone. If you are there, your there. It is what it is. And no amount of feeling for you, in sharing this pain, in attempts to empathize or sympathize, can change that you are there. In fact, they might even serve to keep you there. "If I can show the world how wronged I've been, then everyone will agree that these feelings are perfectly acceptable, that it's okay that I'm broken. And if I can get them to agree, then it makes it easier for me to accept it myself" taken too far, can become a trap of 'now I can stay in this state of pain, suffering, anger, fear, shame, condemnation, hate, for as long as I want. Forever."

And why does someone want (even subconsciously) to stay in this place? For a number of reasons. One being that the fear of changing a perspective can sometimes appear to be more painful and vulnerable, that the current state of suffering.

What would it mean if you could let this all go? And by that, I don't mean pretending it didn't happen, tolerating these behaviors in the future, burying the level of pain it caused you previously. But what if you could re-frame the way you look at it NOW, so that it isn't occupying your thoughts NOW, or having such a clutch on how you view yourself now, or how you interact with the world.

Would that mean you have no boundaries? That you've lost part of your identity? Would it make you a less moral/ethical person, who has lost the battle by setting aside your values or principles...

I am not asking or expecting an answer to these questions. More that you reflect on them, because doing so helped me personally, quite a bit. And if it doesn't feel right for you, then obviously, pursue what does.

Thank you so much for your post. It was quite helpful and I think you're a very insightful person. Allowing me my perceptions and feelings without invalidating them is something I have longed for but have rarely gotten. Especially now. You gave me that gift with your post. I will reflect on this as you have suggested. Thanks, again.

 

[Tengri]

Sounds like Satan got involved in the voiceover.

Agreed, it's just meant to be silly and sardonic

Sorry, it was hard to tell what sort of responses you were fishing for, so I went the Truman Show/Plato's Shadow allegory route

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

[MENTION=26845]GIjade[/MENTION] you are working on a novel? So I am taking this as an excercise you are using for reaction?

I don't know. But a few things:

This is difficult online and also, people don't understand this is a hypothetical. I get that you don't want to explain it because the reaction would not be "genuine" enough.

But the feedback is tainted for other reasons. You could write....20 novels (good ones) on just one aspect of what you have written. It is overwhelming and people will find that incredible and therefore not believable

Narrow down one heavy issue and pull it apart. Then rebuild it. Think of writing as if you are reducing a sauce. You have to add more water (content) a little at a time and let it simmer but eventually the flavor intensifies and the heaviness of a story doesn't hit you over the head, it just...presents itself naturally.

Edit: Im on mobile so I only got halfway through the responses to the thread so forgive me if I am off base as I didn't have time to finish reading.

 

[EcK]

Imagine:
Your mother has always been shall we say, voluptuous, with fair skin and an aquiline nose. She was your mother growing up and became your friend in adulthood. You moved away from home quite a long time ago, so she keeps you informed about you father, brother and sisters. She tells you that none of them are doing very well, and that the entire family is poor. She tells you that your sister can’t find a job and that she lives off your parents, who are barely able to keep food on the table. Your other sister has no skills to speak of so she got married and had kids. Your brother is a high functioning autistic person.

Because of what you were told, you believe that perhaps you are the smartest and most talented person in your family, and are the one they will all come to depend on at different times. You work hard, but know you’ll never be able to support anyone but yourself. Then, you get sick from working so hard and become unable to function. Of course, that could be a response to the whole situation - if you’re sick, you’re off the hook. You may not know this consciously, and that may not be the entire reason for your illness, but you are ill nonetheless. This illness starts almost three decades into your life and you lose your fourth decade completely to it. Then you find some medication which takes you out of the darkeness of your illness and somehow you find some light. Soon afterwards however, you find out that your mother was lying to you about herself and your entire family. She isn’t voluptuous. Her nose is not aquiline - it was all a disqguise. Your sister isn’t living off your parents because she cant find a job. Your sister has many jobs, mostly those of Hollywood actress and rock star. She’s a millionaire and so are your parents. Your brother isn’t autistic, he’s just plain brilliant. And your sister who got married and had kids is an artist and craftsperson. You realize that you never were the smartest or most talented, in fact just the opposite.

You find out that all of them have been following you, literally following you, since you left home. They went on the camping trip with you and your boyfriend - of course they stayed out of sight but they were there. Your mother worked as the art director in one of the first “real” jobs you ever had. But you didn't recognize her because she was in disguise. Your cousins worked there too, but you didn’t know that either. They followed you across the country when you moved there with your boyfriend, and they followed you back to the state where you first met him - always there, but in disguise. You parents knew about every sexual movement you ever made and even watched films of you having sex that your cousins, who you thought were random people, made of you. Yes, you slept with your cousin because once again, you didn’t know. How does that make you feel?

I couldnt go past the first 2 lines

 

[geedoenfj]

 

[Crabs]

 

[SearchingforPeace]

Maybe the mods will just graveyard this thread. ...

 

[Jaguar]

Don't quit your day job.