Motivation... How to Stop Holding Yourself Back?

[morganelise48]

I think I can speak for many INFJ's when I say that I have very high standards for myself. Likewise, I have high expectations for others. Though I'm very good at seeing potential in others, I have some issues seeing it in myself. I wouldn't say I have a problem seeing WHAT I'm good at per-say, but the LEVEL in which I am good at it. As well as the level in which I have the potential to be.
Having Fe as my decision making function is one of my biggest persona struggles, I suspect. I have, like many other INFJ's, an issue with making sure everyone else is taken care of before I take care of myself. This is an ongoing theme in my life, especially pertaining to romantic relationships. I've seen it remarked multiple times that INFJ's aren't ones to jump into relationships. I understand where they are coming from, because though I DO unfortunately jump into relationships, I know I large part of me doesn't want to. I know that it likely won't work out.
So why do you, Morgan, ya dumbass? Well I'll yell you! Because I see potential in people I'm around, and I know they're a chance for success. Knowing how high I value subjective success, I assume that drive is in everyone, somewhere. They just need to find to. Feeling like these people need guidance in their life, I jump on the roller coaster of love. But I'm not happy.... So what WILL make me happy? Well if they did x, y, and z, and if they would stop doing a, b, and c, then we could have a good thing going! So I stay in these relationships. And I try to get them to the level I'm at in their OWN way. In the process, I'm going nowhere. I try so hard, hating my decisions, knowing it's wrong to myself... Yet, I can't stop myself.
So I get stuck in this rut. I want so much for myself. A part of me is screaming at myself, telling myself I know what I need to do, and I can do it if I put in the time and effort. Another part of me nit picks everything. You need to be perfect, Morgan. You need to organize your room perfectly right now, even though you have a paper due tomorrow. Wait, before you forget, you better look up that random question you had about ribosomes before you do your paper, oh it'll only take a minute!! Ok, you understand that, but what about this? ....
This will go on in on until, well.... everything I NEEDED to do turns into everything I should have done. I get so stressed out, because the thought of success and what I need to be doing is always on my mind, yet I can't seem to stop stressing about everything and everyone else for a long enough period to do these things.
I would like to hear some thoughts and suggestions. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to me bitch and wine. <3

 

[1487610420]

Self honesty. /thread/Life

 

[Cellmold]

Sum as cupassitee 4 dereckt cumprahenshun .

BT moativ8shun cun be hrd 4 dose wuthut cupassitee. Gut cupassitee wiv shurt repleyes dat sumz up 4 liff.

Ahm dooinz right, doh.

 

[ceecee]

I think I can speak for many INFJ's when I say that I have very high standards for myself. Likewise, I have high expectations for others. Though I'm very good at seeing potential in others, I have some issues seeing it in myself. I wouldn't say I have a problem seeing WHAT I'm good at per-say, but the LEVEL in which I am good at it. As well as the level in which I have the potential to be.
Having Fe as my decision making function is one of my biggest persona struggles, I suspect. I have, like many other INFJ's, an issue with making sure everyone else is taken care of before I take care of myself. This is an ongoing theme in my life, especially pertaining to romantic relationships. I've seen it remarked multiple times that INFJ's aren't ones to jump into relationships. I understand where they are coming from, because though I DO unfortunately jump into relationships, I know I large part of me doesn't want to. I know that it likely won't work out.

Yes, you have high standards for yourself but unfortunately, you never live up to them. Hmm. Maybe because you are too busy doing this...

Well I'll yell you! Because I see potential in people I'm around, and I know they're a chance for success. Knowing how high I value subjective success, I assume that drive is in everyone, somewhere. They just need to find to. Feeling like these people need guidance in their life, I jump on the roller coaster of love. But I'm not happy.... So what WILL make me happy? Well if they did x, y, and z, and if they would stop doing a, b, and c, then we could have a good thing going! So I stay in these relationships. And I try to get them to the level I'm at in their OWN way. In the process, I'm going nowhere. I try so hard, hating my decisions, knowing it's wrong to myself... Yet, I can't stop myself.

Stop being a pushy as fuck NF that everyone ends up hating because you think you know better. You don't. Try leading by example. Be what you want for them, then you will have a more receptive audience for your know it all life program. In fact, you may never need to say a word to some people. You stress yourself out. You pile things on and you end up in bad relationships because you simply won't understand that your "fixing" is making it worse.

And before you tell me - shut the fuck up NT, you don't know what it's like. But I do. Nearly a couple decades with an NF who use to be just like this showed me plenty. And you can't help anyone when your own mental health is more poor than everyone else.

 

[kyuuei]

I think there might be a touch of hanging out with people that need help because it soothes you since you're in a better position than them and it helps keep you from pushing yourself more. That's uncomfortable and there might be mistakes and failure... better to point out other people failing and making mistakes.

Lead by example, for sure. 100000% that.

 

[Andy]

I think I can speak for many INFJ's when I say that I have very high standards for myself. Likewise, I have high expectations for others. Though I'm very good at seeing potential in others, I have some issues seeing it in myself. I wouldn't say I have a problem seeing WHAT I'm good at per-say, but the LEVEL in which I am good at it. As well as the level in which I have the potential to be.
Having Fe as my decision making function is one of my biggest persona struggles, I suspect. I have, like many other INFJ's, an issue with making sure everyone else is taken care of before I take care of myself. This is an ongoing theme in my life, especially pertaining to romantic relationships. I've seen it remarked multiple times that INFJ's aren't ones to jump into relationships. I understand where they are coming from, because though I DO unfortunately jump into relationships, I know I large part of me doesn't want to. I know that it likely won't work out.
So why do you, Morgan, ya dumbass? Well I'll yell you! Because I see potential in people I'm around, and I know they're a chance for success. Knowing how high I value subjective success, I assume that drive is in everyone, somewhere. They just need to find to. Feeling like these people need guidance in their life, I jump on the roller coaster of love. But I'm not happy.... So what WILL make me happy? Well if they did x, y, and z, and if they would stop doing a, b, and c, then we could have a good thing going! So I stay in these relationships. And I try to get them to the level I'm at in their OWN way. In the process, I'm going nowhere. I try so hard, hating my decisions, knowing it's wrong to myself... Yet, I can't stop myself.
So I get stuck in this rut. I want so much for myself. A part of me is screaming at myself, telling myself I know what I need to do, and I can do it if I put in the time and effort. Another part of me nit picks everything. You need to be perfect, Morgan. You need to organize your room perfectly right now, even though you have a paper due tomorrow. Wait, before you forget, you better look up that random question you had about ribosomes before you do your paper, oh it'll only take a minute!! Ok, you understand that, but what about this? ....
This will go on in on until, well.... everything I NEEDED to do turns into everything I should have done. I get so stressed out, because the thought of success and what I need to be doing is always on my mind, yet I can't seem to stop stressing about everything and everyone else for a long enough period to do these things.
I would like to hear some thoughts and suggestions. If you made it this far, thanks for listening to me bitch and wine. <3

Step 1, dump the high standards. I always like to remember that everyone is stupid and ugly in their own special way. Yes, I know that sounds very negative, but I assure you it is very liberating to realise you are, like everyone else, a flawed creature. Perfectionism is a cruel master, so spit in its face and walk away.

 

[Kullervo]

Having Fe as my decision making function is one of my biggest persona struggles, I suspect. I have, like many other INFJ's, an issue with making sure everyone else is taken care of before I take care of myself. This is an ongoing theme in my life, especially pertaining to romantic relationships. I've seen it remarked multiple times that INFJ's aren't ones to jump into relationships. I understand where they are coming from, because though I DO unfortunately jump into relationships, I know I large part of me doesn't want to. I know that it likely won't work out.

Really? I have never noticed this outside of a romantic relationship...I feel more of an impetus to keep people happy enough that they will leave me to be myself and live life in my own way (because I have learned not to expect anything more). Quite possibly my Enneatype and my sex come into play here, though. I resent it like hell...I have a real edge to me that most of you don't.

What do you want in life? What gives you a sense of purpose? Do you even know? One of the easiest ways for an NF to fall into despair is the feeling that whatever they're doing, they just don't have their heart in it and it runs contrary to what they've always dreamed of being. This is why romantic relationships have been such a disappointment for me. Once my vision has been shattered I can see the girl for the scheming whore she is, but as I crave the intense connection obsessions bring I never learn. Rinse and repeat.

You need to develop a solid sense of self independent of anyone else. A common pitfall for immature INFJs (and FJs in general, actually) is to fall back on someone else instead. Discover what your true calling is in life and then the motivation will come.

 

[Bilateral Entry]

I always like to remember that everyone is stupid and ugly in their own special way.

Very amusing perspective. I am greatly amused.

 

[Jaq]

Very amusing perspective. I am greatly amused.

Agreed

 

[Mole]

I'm not happy.... So what WILL make me happy?

Happiness and unhappiness are emotions, and emotions have a beginning, a middle and an end. All emotions pass, and pass into other emotions.

So when you succeed in becoming happy, it will pass, it will come to an end, just as if you are unhappy, it will pass, it will come to an end too.

It seems we each have a set point of happiness/unhappiness around which we oscillate, set when we were small children.

This is why child rearing practices are so important, they determine the level of happiness, around which we oscillate, for the rest of our lives.

 

[thoughtlost]

mmm... I relate, but not really.

I mean, I do have a hard time realizing my "potential" and I can see other people's potential much more easily... but at the end of the day, I just get jealous of others and wish I could be just as amazing as everyone else. I don't relate to "fixing" people, as I generally feel like I am the one who needs to be fixed.

I have issues with holding myself back because I sort of just sit there, thinking about how I amount to nothing. I mean, I try to muster up the energy to change throughout the days... but I just sit there spending time in my head & paralyzed.

Sooo... I guess I'd agree with [MENTION=4050]ceecee[/MENTION] , if I was in your position. Pretend that you're your own loved one. And be the awesome person you want everyone else to be.

 

[morganelise48]

Yes, you have high standards for yourself but unfortunately, you never live up to them. Hmm. Maybe because you are too busy doing this...



Stop being a pushy as fuck NF that everyone ends up hating because you think you know better. You don't. Try leading by example. Be what you want for them, then you will have a more receptive audience for your know it all life program. In fact, you may never need to say a word to some people. You stress yourself out. You pile things on and you end up in bad relationships because you simply won't understand that your "fixing" is making it worse.

And before you tell me - shut the fuck up NT, you don't know what it's like. But I do. Nearly a couple decades with an NF who use to be just like this showed me plenty. And you can't help anyone when your own mental health is more poor than everyone else.

I actually happen not to be pushy haha... I want it but I don't push it. That's the irrational though process I go through, but I never really follow through.

 

[Forever]

I actually happen not to be pushy haha... I want it but I don't push it. That's the irrational though process I go through, but I never really follow through.

I'm afraid you're the kind of person who wants to be as close as the book INFJ incarnate. But so far everyone else is right.

 

[morganelise48]

I'm afraid you're the kind of person who wants to be as close as the book INFJ incarnate. But so far everyone else is right.

I don't understand why hun? I'm new to this whole thing, I'm in the process of even learning. This is something I struggle with and wanted some advice.

 

[morganelise48]

I think there might be a touch of hanging out with people that need help because it soothes you since you're in a better position than them and it helps keep you from pushing yourself more. That's uncomfortable and there might be mistakes and failure... better to point out other people failing and making mistakes.

Lead by example, for sure. 100000% that.

I agree! I've come to that conclusion as well. I feel as though I want things 100% perfect, and if 25% of my vision is tampered with, I give up.
The feeling of joy is gone in whatever situation it is. Self-encouragement, gone.
This loss of feeling it's me like a rock. It's like, I have 3x more motivation than I need, and I go head first. Then, when things don't go as planned, its almost all gone.

 

[kyuuei]

I agree! I've come to that conclusion as well. I feel as though I want things 100% perfect, and if 25% of my vision is tampered with, I give up.
The feeling of joy is gone in whatever situation it is. Self-encouragement, gone.
This loss of feeling it's me like a rock. It's like, I have 3x more motivation than I need, and I go head first. Then, when things don't go as planned, its almost all gone.

I can definitely relate to that.. I'm working on it myself. I don't theoretically see failure as a bad thing, but it punches me in my emotional guts anyways for some reason. My boyfriend points it out to me all the time.

A few things I've been doing that have had some luck:
- Small, baby steps. Whatever it is you have motivation for, small baby steps will get you there a lot faster than a big jump and giving up. I have a lot of goals this year and it feels a little overwhelming trying to balance them all.. but baby steps man. One thing at a time, planned out for the day in short, digestible bits.
- Don't announce your goals. It feels SOOO good saying you're going to do something and have others praise you for it--but you also feel the pressure of needing to follow through. If you crave the attention of accomplishing something (and you're human, you probably do) try to do it first, and announce the final prize. It'll feel 1000% better to talk about all the time and hard work done.
- Be more supportive. If you're trying to start a sentence with advice, stop yourself. Did they ask for it? No? Then stop right there. Being a supportive friend is loads better than being a know-it-all friend. Listen without trying to fix peoples' problems. Because I'll bet you'd be pretty annoyed if you were working through yourself and someone just tried to wave an imaginary wand of ethnocentrism expecting you to suddenly see the light and adhere to their ways. "Just cheer up!" never helped a depressed person ever. "Just start working out!" never helped someone with anxiety about their weight. It's far deeper. "I'm here for you. If you would like to work out with me, my door is always open." is a far far better approach than throwing orders at people. My recent rule of thumb: yell it out loud when no one is around, I do it in the car. If it sounds like an order from a superior to an inferior when you yell it, it's probably not a supportive statement. If it sounds like you're weird for yelling such a thing, it's probably okay.

 

[cascadeco]

- Be more supportive. If you're trying to start a sentence with advice, stop yourself. Did they ask for it? No? Then stop right there. Being a supportive friend is loads better than being a know-it-all friend. Listen without trying to fix peoples' problems. Because I'll bet you'd be pretty annoyed if you were working through yourself and someone just tried to wave an imaginary wand of ethnocentrism expecting you to suddenly see the light and adhere to their ways. "Just cheer up!" never helped a depressed person ever. "Just start working out!" never helped someone with anxiety about their weight. It's far deeper. "I'm here for you. If you would like to work out with me, my door is always open." is a far far better approach than throwing orders at people. My recent rule of thumb: yell it out loud when no one is around, I do it in the car. If it sounds like an order from a superior to an inferior when you yell it, it's probably not a supportive statement. If it sounds like you're weird for yelling such a thing, it's probably okay.

I agree! I've come to that conclusion as well. I feel as though I want things 100% perfect, and if 25% of my vision is tampered with, I give up.

I actually happen not to be pushy haha... I want it but I don't push it. That's the irrational though process I go through, but I never really follow through.

Tying into what kyuuei wrote, and also going off of some of your own comments re trying to 'fix' other people or bring about your own vision (not your exact words, I'm just summing it up), I'd just suggest that you always ask yourself whether the other person actually wants that, and is interested in or aligned with your 'vision' for them. What if the 'potential' you see isn't at all what they truly want to do or be? People make changes through their own volition and in their own time. And, if they sense you're trying to direct them in a certain way, they'll probably question your intentions and whether you in fact do have *their* self and values in mind -- rather than your own that you're wanting to place on them. Just something to think about.

And I try to get them to the level I'm at in their OWN way. In the process, I'm going nowhere. I try so hard, hating my decisions, knowing it's wrong to myself... Yet, I can't stop myself.

Maybe they don't want to be taken 'to your level' (whatever that is).

And.... the answer is... you DO stop yourself if you feel you're getting nowhere and making poor decisions. You choose to stop doing that, and you know that you can, if you really want to. The question is, DO you really want to?

 

[EcK]

To OP [MENTION=26767]morganelise48[/MENTION]

You're welcome

 

[Cellmold]

I agree! I've come to that conclusion as well. I feel as though I want things 100% perfect, and if 25% of my vision is tampered with, I give up.
The feeling of joy is gone in whatever situation it is. Self-encouragement, gone.
This loss of feeling it's me like a rock. It's like, I have 3x more motivation than I need, and I go head first. Then, when things don't go as planned, its almost all gone.

Dis iziz Knott gud.

Y u so pshee? Cn u nt be maor fockused un urself? U nead s3lf awrnuss lik me.

Purfectunizm iz ah hrrble munt3lity. It iz d3luzionel nd h8tful. If u cun't liv up ta ure standurds, y shud anee wun else?

Nd if u cud, st1l dunt just eeee Fi dat 3xpectashun.

 

[morganelise48]

Tying into what kyuuei wrote, and also going off of some of your own comments re trying to 'fix' other people or bring about your own vision (not your exact words, I'm just summing it up), I'd just suggest that you always ask yourself whether the other person actually wants that, and is interested in or aligned with your 'vision' for them. What if the 'potential' you see isn't at all what they truly want to do or be? People make changes through their own volition and in their own time. And, if they sense you're trying to direct them in a certain way, they'll probably question your intentions and whether you in fact do have *their* self and values in mind -- rather than your own that you're wanting to place on them. Just something to think about.


Maybe they don't want to be taken 'to your level' (whatever that is).

And.... the answer is... you DO stop yourself if you feel you're getting nowhere and making poor decisions. You choose to stop doing that, and you know that you can, if you really want to. The question is, DO you really want to?

Thank you for the suggestions hun. The thing though that I would like to clarify because sometimes I chose poor words, is that I'm not necessarily trying to get anyone where I'm at.
Just up. Either your going left, right, diagonal, oblong... I don't care. As long as in the meantime, you're going up, IF it's necessary.
I tend to do this in romantic relationships, and am now. My boyfriend (INFP) has potential, I see it. I don't know what for, because I know that's based on what he finds fit for himself.
I don't want drastic results now. He just doesn't know his worth. And I understand because I've struggled with that. I'm just a little farther on the growth train (lol) than he is in this regard..
I'm nice about it. I don't force the subject, as he will agree when I bring it up. If I notice he seems uncomfortable, I'll change the subject. (Talking about him realizing what he can do, and about taking steps.)
I just feel like all these little nudges with no work put forth is going to make me explode one day if nothing changes.