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  1. #1
    Senior Member GIjade's Avatar
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    Default Avoiding confrontation

    Most of the people I know just cannot handle confrontation. I don't understand it, but I don't say much about it because I know that everyone is different and everyone has their own way of reacting to situations. Just frustrating to me, that's all. Why do you think they avoid it?
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  2. #2
    Emperor/Dictator kyuuei's Avatar
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    Lots of reasons.

    It is uncomfortable.
    Sometimes it is influenced by their backgrounds--it was much better for the family for them to be not confrontational if they are in a family full of very hard-headed confrontation-prone people.
    It doesn't always get things done. Confrontation I do not believe is inherently a bad thing... but many times it can be.. or even if it isn't, there may be a less argumentative way of getting things done if one tries.
    They may not have self esteem enough to speak their minds in such a blunt way.
    Culture may be an influence--it could be disrespectful to be confrontational.
    They may not be quick to speak--they may have to process information a bit longer than some, and so confrontation isn't really practical to them because they cannot just fire back with an immediate response.

    With all that said, I think a bit of confrontation is healthy for someone.. there will always be people to push you over if you let them.
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  3. #3
    Senior Member GIjade's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    Lots of reasons.

    It is uncomfortable.
    Sometimes it is influenced by their backgrounds--it was much better for the family for them to be not confrontational if they are in a family full of very hard-headed confrontation-prone people.
    It doesn't always get things done. Confrontation I do not believe is inherently a bad thing... but many times it can be.. or even if it isn't, there may be a less argumentative way of getting things done if one tries.
    They may not have self esteem enough to speak their minds in such a blunt way.
    Culture may be an influence--it could be disrespectful to be confrontational.
    They may not be quick to speak--they may have to process information a bit longer than some, and so confrontation isn't really practical to them because they cannot just fire back with an immediate response.

    With all that said, I think a bit of confrontation is healthy for someone.. there will always be people to push you over if you let them.
    That last one - not quick to speak/need time to process... I'm like that, but I still don't avoid confrontation. And confrontation doesn't necessarily mean argumentative, it can just mean you are confronting someone with a question you want an answer to, it's confrontational because the other person doesn't want to talk about it, but the only way to get something out in the open is to confront someone with that question.
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  4. #4
    Senior Member ceecee's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by kyuuei View Post
    Lots of reasons.

    It is uncomfortable.
    Sometimes it is influenced by their backgrounds--it was much better for the family for them to be not confrontational if they are in a family full of very hard-headed confrontation-prone people.
    It doesn't always get things done. Confrontation I do not believe is inherently a bad thing... but many times it can be.. or even if it isn't, there may be a less argumentative way of getting things done if one tries.
    They may not have self esteem enough to speak their minds in such a blunt way.
    Culture may be an influence--it could be disrespectful to be confrontational.
    They may not be quick to speak--they may have to process information a bit longer than some, and so confrontation isn't really practical to them because they cannot just fire back with an immediate response.

    With all that said, I think a bit of confrontation is healthy for someone.. there will always be people to push you over if you let them.
    I believe all of these are/can be a reason. In all the conflict-avoidance people I know, they have never learned how to have a confrontation and/or learned it that it can be a healthy thing. I also think at some point in life, they were also taught that it was bad and to avoid it at all costs. Even if it creates more problems, outright lying that destroys trust or glossing over and omitting things that are pretty much the same as lying. Of course some of it can come from fear or lack of confidence but some are just incredibly selfish.

    The good thing is that people can learn how to overcome it, if they are shown how and shown that a conflict isn't going to automatically run people/piss people off. I do understand being frustrated by it though. It was easily one of the biggest issue I had with my ENFJ at one time.
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  5. #5
    You have a choice! 21%'s Avatar
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    I always thought I was conflict-avoidant, but then I realized that was totally not the case. I don't like confrontations, but I don't like the feeling of unfinished business even more, so I usually opt for confrontations (civil, sincere ones, whenever possible).

    Sometimes people are not being conflict-avoidant, but broadcast 'cues' and try to get you to pick up on that. In other words they are bringing up the 'confrontation' via a different channel, but since no one reads cues the same way they can go unobserved or be misinterpreted.
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  6. #6
    You are what you love fetus's Avatar
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    To be completely honest...

    It's scary, upsetting, and it makes me cry. I just want to live peacefully. Another big reason for me is that I don't want to be hated. I can't stand the thought of being on someone's shit list. Sometimes this conflicts with my need to change the world and champion my chosen causes. I speak up for what I believe in, but then when people get mad, I spend a great deal of energy backtracking and trying to find the common ground somehow, all while trying to stand my ground. It's very draining. I just don't want to be an enemy to anyone, and I don't enjoy chaos. So I'm basically known as the nice, sweet girl because I stay away from strong controversy, and I avoid insulting others because I don't want their disapproval.

    But I'm not a complete doormat. I stand up for myself and my beliefs, and I can even be forceful and sarcastic if the offense is heinous enough. Usually, though, I go out of my way to be extra nice to the person I've had conflict with in order to affirm that we're not enemies, to assure myself that things are okay and that I won't have to deal with the stress of having an enemy. I'm still learning.

    Anyways. Didn't mean to make this all about me again.
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  7. #7

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    I have 0 issue with confrontation, but most people can't handle it well and avoid it as much as possible. Why? Because it puts them at risk of creating bad blood, and that is something a great number of people fear, and for good reason.
    It is our duty to create meaning.

    If only it were that simple.
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  8. #8
    Dope& diamonds. Dyslexxie's Avatar
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    I thought I didn't like confrontation but that's not the case at all. I'm perfectly comfortable with confrontation and disagreements - I would much rather have someone be pissed off at me in the short term but have everything laid out and settled than have someone resent me and grow bitter towards me. I realize that's not the case with most people, and I understand why - disagreements are uncomfortable and can go south any moment, and I think most people would rather slowly grow resentful than lay everything on the table when is necessary.
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  9. #9
    corona Hawthorne's Avatar
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    I avoid it because most of the time, it's a waste of energy. I don't mind sharing my opinion or making a recommendation but if someone choses not to listen...well, that's on them.

    Only changes when I'm also subject to the consequences of some's decision or actions. There may be other edge cases.

  10. #10
    Megustalations Ghost's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by GIjade View Post
    Why do you think they avoid it?
    I can't speak for why others avoid it, but I can talk about why I do.

    I feel like if I were to be confrontational or aggressive, I'd open myself to counterattack. The other person could just flip me to expose my delicate underbelly, tear me to shreds, and leave me for the buzzards. Basically, it feels like I couldn't withstand a confrontation.

    Another thing is that I don't like to call out people I don't know well unless I'm 100% sure they're incorrect on something. If I don't think I can state my case, I try to ignore what they said or did.

    The other reason is because it's sooooo much of a hassle. A prediction plays in my mind for how the confrontation will turn out. Usually, the negatives outweigh the benefits, and I can't bother.

    Earlier today, this instructor was expounding on his bullshit opinions, and I'm thinking he's clearly wrong. But to express that in front of the group would've put me in the spotlight. That guy says stupid things all the time. I can't quibble with him on all of them. That'd introduce too much irrelevant stuff. (He meanders enough without my help. I just want him to teach the material.) Not to mention I need him to do my assessment, and I don't want to create an obstacle for myself. I just gotta sit tight for five more days.

    The people I have an impulse to confront tend to be the same people I want something from. So...Yeah. Not worth it.

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