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I's & E's intimidate each other?

Magic Poriferan

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Unless you directly analyze someone's word(and they don't always give words) then you can only guess their thought by way of their actions. We tend to interpret people thoughts based on how we ourselves would act. I guess this causes a lot of consusion when dealing with other types.

I can right throught the crowd in order to talk to someone I'm interested. I pretty much put all of society at the mercy of the few people that matter to me. I guess I expect the same to be done for me. That may sound to some like a lot to ask for, but I repeat that it doesn't seem like too much to me because it's how much I give. It's merely an expectation of reciprocation.

About having feelings hurt... Last semester, a fellow student of mine made a point to form friendly relations with me. He was Extraverted to the extreme. He worked together a lot for the duration of the spring, and then when school ended for the summer, we parted ways. I never called him a single time between then and the start of this semester. He said he was expecting that I'd call him at least once. *shrug*

He struck me as more of a colleague than a long term friend. I guess Extraverts expect more indiscriminate cordiality from Introverts.
 

substitute

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If I didn't have the need to have a partner in life, hell fuck yeah. Women are the only thing keeping me out of the woods, seriously.

I don't believe that for a second. I might of someone else but not you mate. I know you crave friendship and good times. You're just bitter and distrustful of people. It's not a genuine desire to be alone forever, and if you think about it to conclusion, imagine you've got your wife who loves you and you're crazy about, do you think she's gonna want to spend her whole life indoors with you as her sole contact with the human race, or going out on her own?

I do know a few actual hermits, you know... one of them's an extravert... I know quite a lot of people who have gone into silent/solitary contemplative religious life thinking it'd suit them, to get away from people and be alone, and they haven't lasted because they've all realized fairly quickly just how much they actually do want and need people, and that their claims that they didn't were just trying to convince themselves of an excuse to not risk the vulnerability of actually opening up and trying. Some of them, like anyone, had more obvious reasons for bitterness, they'd been hurt a lot, really bad.

Actually I know a woman who lost three babies, all stillborn. And she tried for another one and the baby was born alive. When I just think of the pain she must've suffered each time she gave birth to a dead baby, and the courage it must've taken her to try again, and the joy it must give her to finally have a healthy baby... well it's a real inspiration to me and it really helped me in overcoming my social anxieities in the past. I figured the puny pain I've suffered at being rejected or cheated on or whatever is just nothing, nothing really. And the risk I take in trying again... nothing.
 

runvardh

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Uh, dude, I am still here, aren't I? ;)
 

substitute

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yeah Magic I've had that happen to me too. I've had old school friends look me up on Friends Reunited, initiate contact with me and we've spent a week e-mailing and catching up and saying how great it is to be back in touch and saying we'll have to meet up again soon. Then the weekend comes, they go home from work and spend the weekend doing their thing, and never reply to me again. That's it, they just used me to occupy their boring hours at work that week and now they're bored of me. It is hurtful.

I have to say Magic though, I also have the same attitude as you towards the people I care about. I give everything. I guess I just have a lot MORE people I care about, and it's very hard to prioritize and decide who comes first when you've got about 50 people that you really care about and they all need/want you. I don't care if a person wants my time, I'm willing to give it - I don't begrudge them taking up my time at all cos I don't see my time as mine anyway, I don't see ANYTHING as mine, not even my life. But it's not me they're taking the time away from - it's the other people I care about and need me as well. When you know as many people as I do (and many extraverts) and you're involved in people's lives up to the neck, y'know, it's hard to blow off somebody who really needs you in favour of talking about chess to your INTP friend for a couple of hours on pain of them writing you off as not caring because you selfishly had someone else to care about that day that needed you more...
 

Magic Poriferan

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I suppose it's just unavoidable that the more people you invest in, the more your abilities are going to be spread thin between them.
 

substitute

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I suppose it's just unavoidable that the more people you invest in, the more your abilities are going to be spread thin between them.

Yeah... if I meet someone and like them and start to care about them I can't just ruthlessly say 'no, I won't befriend this person, I have the permitted number of friends already!' lol
 

Magic Poriferan

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Yeah... if I meet someone and like them and start to care about them I can't just ruthlessly say 'no, I won't befriend this person, I have the permitted number of friends already!' lol

Well, I don't have a quota. I just don't get attached that often.
 

heart

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I like extroverts that don't try to get me to talk. I enjoy if everyone else talks and I listen and me adding to it when I have something to say. But i do get nervous if I feel like I'm suppose to talk, but have nothing to say. It usually comes out in half phrases and mumbles.

Agree.

I am not intimidated to approach an extrovert, but I feel invaded or harassed by entroverts who get aggressive with the:

"Hey! Speak up!"
"You're too quiet!" Usually shouted.
"Lighten Up!" repeated like broken record.

But extroverts who come to realize that I just need time to warm up are delightful.
 

EJCC

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Yeah... if I meet someone and like them and start to care about them I can't just ruthlessly say 'no, I won't befriend this person, I have the permitted number of friends already!' lol

When I was in kindergarten, this literally happened to me. A girl refused to be my friend because she had enough friends. It was kind of depressing.

Oh, about what Magic said: "I guess Extraverts expect more indiscriminate cordiality from Introverts." (I'm having issues with quoting multiple people in one post... n00bness...) It's not that we expect cordiality, it's that we expect a RESPONSE... besides nodding, or just looking at you. If you don't talk to us, or branch off from our statement to make a conversation, we have no idea if what we've said has registered. We don't know what you thought of it. It's like what Substitute said earlier... can't remember the quote, but I remember that I agreed with it.

I.e. We expect reciprocation, just like you do.
 

Jack Flak

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Yeah, EJCC, I'm pretty polite (uh, irl), and I can't stand it when people are so concerned with their damn morbid attitude they can't return an acknowledgement. Especially when I was going out of my way to be nice.
 

Tallulah

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Well, I don't have a quota. I just don't get attached that often.

Yeah, exactly. I guess it comes down to the fact that I have a lot of casual friends, but only a few close friends. I don't turn friends away. There are just certain people that I click with better than others.
 

Magic Poriferan

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I'm nice, so long as someone is talking to me. Just, once we are apart, don't expect me to make an effort to contact you again. That's up to you. Sooner or later, it will be made clear if I'm really interested in someone, or if want them to leave me alone. But if the person stops contacting me first, I continue with my life without waiting for them.

I think what bothers me is that there's a sense of entitlement from them. Like they can just say "I want to be your friend" and then I'm supposed to be their friend. No one is ever obligated to be anyone's friend, and it really rubs me the wrong way when I detect obligation like that. If I haven't expressed my commitment to friendship, all bets are off.
 

substitute

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Yeah, exactly. I guess it comes down to the fact that I have a lot of casual friends, but only a few close friends. I don't turn friends away. There are just certain people that I click with better than others.

Actually I think this might be something unique to me, well not unique by any means but unusual, in that although obviously there are some i click with more than others, I don't actually play favourites... I consider my duty to one human being to be no less than to another. I figure to give more to a person who pleases me and let someone who needs me go without because they please me less, that's kinda... well it goes against my religious convictions. IOW it's all very well for me to say I believe in the brotherhood of man and that every human being is my 'neighbour', but it's a lot harder to walk the walk, except that that particular part of the walk has become second nature to me. It's very difficult though, for some of my friends to understand that. They expect preferential treatment, but if I gave it to them I'd feel like a hypocrite. Even though I might want to.

Magic Poriferan said:
I'm nice, so long as someone is talking to me. Just, once we are apart, don't expect me to make an effort to contact you again. That's up to you. Sooner or later, it will be made clear if I'm really interested in someone, or if want them to leave me alone. But if the person stops contacting me first, I continue with my life without waiting for them.

But if everyone was that passive and made so little effort, surely nobody would have any friends??
 

Magic Poriferan

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But if everyone was that passive and made so little effort, surely nobody would have any friends??

This situation inevitably requires that there be someone who's passive and someone who's aggressive. I'm obviously the passive one in this case. I want someone else who is different from me, in so far as they have initiative when I don't. That being said, a lot of them aren't really interesting to me, and what is bothersome is not that they are aggressive, but that they are incapable fo realizing that I'm not interested.

I have sadly almost never been pursued by someone that I would actually want to pursue me.
 

substitute

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This situation inevitably requires that there be someone who's passive and someone who's aggressive.

If you were talking about a BDSM relationship I'd agree, but we're talking about friendships and I don't think I've heard anyone put it that way before... I'd say it's a give and take thing. It's really not fair IMO to expect one person to make all the initiatives like it's their 'job', whilst you just sit back and enjoy the 'service'!! I'll call a person so many times but if they never call back, like if I've arranged three or four meetings and then I leave it a couple of weeks to give them a chance to arrange one and they don't bother, I'm not impressed!!
 

Tallulah

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Actually I think this might be something unique to me, well not unique by any means but unusual, in that although obviously there are some i click with more than others, I don't actually play favourites... I consider my duty to one human being to be no less than to another. I figure to give more to a person who pleases me and let someone who needs me go without because they please me less, that's kinda... well it goes against my religious convictions. IOW it's all very well for me to say I believe in the brotherhood of man and that every human being is my 'neighbour', but it's a lot harder to walk the walk, except that that particular part of the walk has become second nature to me. It's very difficult though, for some of my friends to understand that. They expect preferential treatment, but if I gave it to them I'd feel like a hypocrite. Even though I might want to.

I would say it's definitely unusual. I would consider paying more attention to the friends with whom you have a deeper connection just a part of human nature. I would go crazy if I thought I had to give equal attention to every person I consider a friend. I just don't have that energy to give. Also, if you were my casual friend, and I knew you had a "best friend," I would certainly never expect you to give me equal attention. I would understand that some people are naturally better friends than others. Your commitment to the human race is certainly admirable, though. I just wonder if you're creating an expectation for yourself that is not strictly necessary, thereby making life harder for you?


But if everyone was that passive and made so little effort, surely nobody would have any friends??

It's true, and I do try to make an effort to keep the friendship going, but I am also very out-of-sight, out-of-mind sometimes, too. I'm just not the kind of person that feels like i have to be in constant contact. If I don't hear from you, I don't assume that you're mad, etc. I just assume people are busy, and I am, too, and we'll get together sometime.
 

heart

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This situation inevitably requires that there be someone who's passive and someone who's aggressive.

Some people are like that, yeah they like to be more in control of the contact, but most people like a give and take situation.
 

Magic Poriferan

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If you were talking about a BDSM relationship I'd agree, but we're talking about friendships and I don't think I've heard anyone put it that way before... I'd say it's a give and take thing. It's really not fair IMO to expect one person to make all the initiatives like it's their 'job', whilst you just sit back and enjoy the 'service'!! I'll call a person so many times but if they never call back, like if I've arranged three or four meetings and then I leave it a couple of weeks to give them a chance to arrange one and they don't bother, I'm not impressed!!

If a person wants me to call back, they should tell me that they want me to call sometime. I do not presume much of anything about what to do with a person, so I do nothing unless given permission + encouragement. I agree that relationships are give and take, and when I like someone, I intend to do a lot of giving, but there are still different approaches to doing it. I am reactive rather than active, and I think that has just as many pros as it does cons.


All of this was assuming that I'm interested in the person involved. If I'm not, then they certainly can't expect that I will reciprocate their gifts. A person can't say to someone "I love you, now love me in return", it doesn't work that way.
 
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