A little project

[five sounds]

Ok this is an idea that just came to me after a lot of recent discussion and experience among myself and my friends on the topic of unwanted sexual comments directed at women.

I'd like to compile a collection of sexual harassment comments made to you personally by either men or women. Only the comment needs to be included but conversations or context is welcome if you think it's necessary. My vision is to put together a large collection of disgusting, unwelcome comments that i know we all experience too frequently. Let's break the silence and put that shit on blast. The world needs to hear how women are being talked to.

So if anyone here has a comment or experience they'd like to submit, or wants to start writing these things down as they happen, I'd love the support. I've reached out to different groups of women in my life and I encourage you all to do that as well. You can put them in this thread or send me them via PM if you prefer. All comments will remain anonymous.

 

[hjgbujhghg]

Lol... nobody wants to harass me

 

[five sounds]

Lol... nobody wants to harass me

It's really interesting to me if you don't get this in your life. Are you sure?

 

[hjgbujhghg]

It's really interesting to me if you don't get this in your life. Are you sure?

I think so...depends on what you mean by sexual harassment

 

[five sounds]

I think so...depends on what you mean by sexual harassment

Unwelcomed sexual tones in an interaction. Often times very direct words, taking place when you're going about your business. Something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

 

[hjgbujhghg]

Unwelcomed sexual tones in an interaction. Often times very direct words, taking place when you're going about your business. Something that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Even if this happens, I am kind of blind to that stuff. So really... I get comments about my look or attractivnes, or light jokes with sexual undertones, but all that is actually not so often... Idk if ever got something really out of line.

 

[miss fortune]

I worked in sales for years... there were plenty of males who would suggest that if I did them a sexual favor they would make a considerable purchase

working in a hotel I also got a good number of invitations up to guests' rooms after my shift ended... and my boss there liked to ask for massages, which he never got

 

[five sounds]

I worked in sales for years... there were plenty of males who would suggest that if I did them a sexual favor they would make a considerable purchase

working in a hotel I also got a good number of invitations up to guests' rooms after my shift ended... and my boss there liked to ask for massages, which he never got

Yeah, for me a lot of it happens at work too, guests in the restaurant and some coworkers. But it happens on the street and at bars quite a bit as well. Once at my other job as a server I asked a man if he'd like a box and he told me he wanted *my* box. I was dressed in a uniform doing my job and he was a stranger and at least 15 years older than me (I was in my early 20s).

Just one example of the kind of thing I'm talking about.

 

[miss fortune]

Yeah, for me a lot of it happens at work too, guests in the restaurant and some coworkers. But it happens on the street and at bars quite a bit as well. Once at my other job as a server I asked a man if he'd like a box and he told me he wanted *my* box. I was dressed in a uniform doing my job and he was a stranger and at least 15 years older than me (I was in my early 20s).

Just one example of the kind of thing I'm talking about.

why do people think that it's ok to SAY some things to people? I mean, there's complements (like the time that an absolutely gorgeous younger guy I worked with told me that he thought I was "a very attractive woman" which totally made my day!) and complements are nice... complements aren't asking for you to do something. Then there's the shit that gets yelled across the street or out car windows like "hey baby... you married?" or weirder yet "you got kids?" or "you got some time to spend with me?" what the fuck is WRONG with people *hisses* this is stuff getting yelled when I'm merely walking down the street minding my own business and not trying to attract anyone's attention... is it implied that if a woman is out in public she's inviting solicitations to sex?

 

[five sounds]

why do people think that it's ok to SAY some things to people? I mean, there's complements (like the time that an absolutely gorgeous younger guy I worked with told me that he thought I was "a very attractive woman" which totally made my day!) and complements are nice... complements aren't asking for you to do something. Then there's the shit that gets yelled across the street or out car windows like "hey baby... you married?" or weirder yet "you got kids?" or "you got some time to spend with me?" what the fuck is WRONG with people *hisses* this is stuff getting yelled when I'm merely walking down the street minding my own business and not trying to attract anyone's attention... is it implied that if a woman is out in public she's inviting solicitations to sex?

Ohhh fuck yeah! Whatever gets it. That's exactly what I'm talking about and I think that if all those comments were compiled in one place, the conglomeration would be powerful. This shit is not ok to say to someone who is dressed in normal clothes going about her own daily business.

 

[mintleaf]

a couple times when we weren't doing anything in 8th grade choir, I was cornered by a couple of guys who kept telling me things along the lines of "you make my d*** hard." for about the entire period. I wasn't physically threatened because there were plenty of people around who just weren't paying attention, but it felt pretty awful. that's the worst instance I can think of. I walk a lot because I don't have a car, and men often yell things at me, but rarely anything sexually explicit.

 

[fetus]

I don't know...I haven't really come into contact with much personally, at least not with things that are innately sexual. Sure, there's a dumb freshman kid who tried to touch my face and play with my hair after I told him to stop several times, but that's not really sexual, is it? There are the cars on the street, you know, the people who honk and scream and cheer while I'm just trying to go for a run. There was a lot I saw back in middle school, but it wasn't directly aimed at me. The boys had "slap-ass Friday," and it was exactly what it sounds like.

In seventh grade, there were a lot of people calling me thirsty or a slut. That's about it for me, I guess. At least what I can think of at the moment.

 

[mintleaf]

and I know so many women who were sexually harassed, as children, by male teachers! my mother included. absolutely disgusting.

 

[miss fortune]

Ohhh fuck yeah! Whatever gets it. That's exactly what I'm talking about and I think that if all those comments were compiled in one place, the conglomeration would be powerful. This shit is not ok to say to someone who is dressed in normal clothes going about her own daily business.

here is an old thread on the annoyingness of getting harassed on the street that I just had to look up

 

[fetus]

Actually, come to think of it, there was this one guy back in eighth grade. I just found something I wrote, so I'll copy & paste some excerpts from it here. I'll let it speak for itself.
(I was thirteen, so my writing wasn't stellar. Bear with it.)

So he asked me "Do you have toys?" I was like "Ew, no!!" And so he asked me "If you had to have one, would you choose small, medium, or large??" And I said "I'm not answering that question." It was really uncomfortable. But he persisted saying "No, you HAVE to choose. Small medium or large." And so once again I said I wouldn't answer that question. I started kind of walking away from him, partly because he was waving his hands in front of my chest. So I was walking away, but he followed me. I was getting scared...."Do you want small, medium, or LARGE??" Eventually he just stopped, and looked at me. Then he said "Can't you see I have a boner?" That was scary. Because usually when he says stuff like that, he pauses and then he's like "just kidding." So I waited for the just kidding, and it didn't come.

So then he said "I'm so horny right now." And then he waited, and he said "How do I make a girl horny?" And I said "I'm not answering that." And he said "Please. I wanna know." And I said "What would you do with that information anyway?" And he said, with a serious, non-joking face "I want to sit next to you and the bus and make you horny." I was so freaked out. The bus was late. I was so hoping it would come so I wouldn't have to be alone with [boy]. But he kept persisting. He kept making weird creepy comments. I seriously wanted to turn invisible and run away. Finally the bus came.

Here's another thing I wrote describing the rest of it. This is a recount I wrote about six months ago.

So this is eighth grade, maybe some of it dating back to seventh grade. There was this guy who lived in my cul-de-sac. Same age and grade. He got kinda weird with me; I don't remember how it exactly started. At the bus stop he would come over and grab my zipper and try to unzip my coat, or put his hands in my pockets. He asked me explicit/personal questions, and wanted to sit with me on the bus to "get horny with you," in his words. Yeah, so I think that was the seventh grade part. The next part happens in early eighth grade. So it's like October, and I'm hanging out with him and my sister. Well he just starts holding my hand and like, laying/cuddling with me by the little creek. I felt awkward about it but I didn't really know how to assert myself, so I kept quiet. I gave [sister] some pleading looks, but she was young and I don't think she understood. Some other stuff happened which was kinda weird and I won't go into it, even though in reality it wasn't that bad. So it was getting to be dinner time, and I wanted to get back home. And see, at my house there's this stream. If you follow it north, it runs through two large sewer pipes. The pipes are large enough to walk through if you duck a bit. You have to awkwardly walk with one foot on each side of the pipe, because there's a stream in the middle. The pipes are kind of dark. They run under the road. When you reach the end, you're on the other side of the street. (It's really cool!) Anyways, I was heading back into the pipe. [Sister] had already run ahead and come through on the other side; she was probably almost back at home, so it was just me and the boy. Suddenly he grabbed me and demanded that I kiss him. That "he loved me." I tried to struggle, but he was a big guy, and I couldn't escape.

We were in the dark pipes by this point. I couldn't see much, but he was basically sticking his face in me. I managed to squirm in such a way that he couldn't actually kiss me. I clearly and firmly told him no, stop, several times.I finally broke free somehow and sprinted through the pipes.

What makes me sad about these situations is that I had it in my head that it was my fault. I grew up in a semi-traditional church where modesty was super important, so when these events happened, I just talked about, "Oh, my shirt was fitted. Oh, my tank top was too low. Oh, I just didn't assert myself."

My incident was a pretty small and insignificant one. I really hurt for those who were subjected to worse.

 

[HongDou]

I'm not a woman, but after making plenty of visits to sleazy gay bars I know how uncomfortable and anxious sexual harassment can make you feel. Good luck with your thread Nic!

 

[five sounds]

Actually, come to think of it, there was this one guy back in eighth grade. I just found something I wrote, so I'll copy & paste some excerpts from it here. I'll let it speak for itself.
(I was thirteen, so my writing wasn't stellar. Bear with it.)

So he asked me "Do you have toys?" I was like "Ew, no!!" And so he asked me "If you had to have one, would you choose small, medium, or large??" And I said "I'm not answering that question." It was really uncomfortable. But he persisted saying "No, you HAVE to choose. Small medium or large." And so once again I said I wouldn't answer that question. I started kind of walking away from him, partly because he was waving his hands in front of my chest. So I was walking away, but he followed me. I was getting scared...."Do you want small, medium, or LARGE??" Eventually he just stopped, and looked at me. Then he said "Can't you see I have a boner?" That was scary. Because usually when he says stuff like that, he pauses and then he's like "just kidding." So I waited for the just kidding, and it didn't come.

So then he said "I'm so horny right now." And then he waited, and he said "How do I make a girl horny?" And I said "I'm not answering that." And he said "Please. I wanna know." And I said "What would you do with that information anyway?" And he said, with a serious, non-joking face "I want to sit next to you and the bus and make you horny." I was so freaked out. The bus was late. I was so hoping it would come so I wouldn't have to be alone with [boy]. But he kept persisting. He kept making weird creepy comments. I seriously wanted to turn invisible and run away. Finally the bus came.

Here's another thing I wrote describing the rest of it. This is a recount I wrote about six months ago.

So this is eighth grade, maybe some of it dating back to seventh grade. There was this guy who lived in my cul-de-sac. Same age and grade. He got kinda weird with me; I don't remember how it exactly started. At the bus stop he would come over and grab my zipper and try to unzip my coat, or put his hands in my pockets. He asked me explicit/personal questions, and wanted to sit with me on the bus to "get horny with you," in his words. Yeah, so I think that was the seventh grade part. The next part happens in early eighth grade. So it's like October, and I'm hanging out with him and my sister. Well he just starts holding my hand and like, laying/cuddling with me by the little creek. I felt awkward about it but I didn't really know how to assert myself, so I kept quiet. I gave [sister] some pleading looks, but she was young and I don't think she understood. Some other stuff happened which was kinda weird and I won't go into it, even though in reality it wasn't that bad. So it was getting to be dinner time, and I wanted to get back home. And see, at my house there's this stream. If you follow it north, it runs through two large sewer pipes. The pipes are large enough to walk through if you duck a bit. You have to awkwardly walk with one foot on each side of the pipe, because there's a stream in the middle. The pipes are kind of dark. They run under the road. When you reach the end, you're on the other side of the street. (It's really cool!) Anyways, I was heading back into the pipe. [Sister] had already run ahead and come through on the other side; she was probably almost back at home, so it was just me and the boy. Suddenly he grabbed me and demanded that I kiss him. That "he loved me." I tried to struggle, but he was a big guy, and I couldn't escape.

We were in the dark pipes by this point. I couldn't see much, but he was basically sticking his face in me. I managed to squirm in such a way that he couldn't actually kiss me. I clearly and firmly told him no, stop, several times.I finally broke free somehow and sprinted through the pipes.

What makes me sad about these situations is that I had it in my head that it was my fault. I grew up in a semi-traditional church where modesty was super important, so when these events happened, I just talked about, "Oh, my shirt was fitted. Oh, my tank top was too low. Oh, I just didn't assert myself."

My incident was a pretty small and insignificant one. I really hurt for those who were subjected to worse.

It's amazing that at 13 you were writing that you didn't know how to assert yourself so you kept quiet. Very self aware little pre-teen fetus.

I think that little nugget is what holds so many people back. I've been there before, just feeling so awkward and uncomfortable that you just squirm and keep quiet.

But how you described how awful it felt, that's the part that matters. This guy was (although I'm sure quite immature himself at the ripe age of 13) overtly sexualizing you and like thinking he could possess you just because he wanted it. He stopped at no signs of disinterest, which means consent or mutual expression was not in his mind.

The other piece I loved was how you said you felt ashamed and questioned your own clothes and behavior. This is another feeling I think a lot of us can strongly identify with and it's part of what makes it so damaging and so effective (see: not getting called out). We both know that you were sending no sexual signals to that boy and that you didn't get dressed that day thinking "I'm gonna seduce someone in this...rawr"

Thank you for sharing this.

 

[five sounds]

I'm not a woman, but after making plenty of visits to sleazy gay bars I know how uncomfortable and anxious sexual harassment can make you feel. Good luck with your thread Nic!

Gah, Chan. I'm so glad you posted in here. I wanted to tag you. But I feel like I'm focusing on women in this case. I struggled with it because I hate to imply that sexual harassment happens to women only. Please tell me honestly, do you think that's fucked up?

I opened the offenders up to both men and women because I know ladies who have gotten it from both. I was just really having a moral dilemma and I'm glad you're here

 

[HongDou]

I struggled with it because I hate to imply that sexual harassment happens to women only. Please tell me honestly, do you think that's fucked up?

I don't think it is because I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to start a discussion on what you've personally experienced. It's like if I chose to talk about racism experienced by East Asian people. There are other forms of racism experienced by different groups of people, and a lot of the time to even harsher degrees, but it's still an issue that deserves to be talked about and addressed so things don't get swept under the rug. Plus I think sexual harassment is a pretty big issue overall.

So coming from a gay man's voice, here's an issue related to our community when it comes to the sexual harassment of women:

I think the biggest issue in the community is gay men (particularly white gays because white gays are truly the worst) groping women without permission, thinking it's okay because they're not attracted to them. Grope your friends if you've established you're in that comfort zone - my friends and I grope each other all the time - but doing that to random strangers and acquaintances is a nono.

I feel this. In my undergrad I made friends with a gay guy. A week into our friendship, he's grabbing at my boob on a public train and complimenting their size, and when I told him to stop he rolled his eyes at me and said "It doesn't mean anything. I'm gay.". Worst excuse ever.

(I also quoted berenj because I thought it was a good example...sorry if you didn't want to be quoted berenj )

 

[five sounds]

here is an old thread on the annoyingness of getting harassed on the street that I just had to look up

Something that came up in this thread that I considered after Mona's response was geography/culture. I do live in an urban American setting, but the gross things o hear are usually from older white dudes honestly. My black friend gets it more from black guys while I usually get a more mild treatment from them. I work with her so we compare how different coworkers and guests treat us. It's interesting for sure.