What's wrong with me?

[GarrotTheThief]

Every day I spend hours studying mythology, tarot, business, math, English, thinking of ideas, writing poetry, just in my brain you know....I can't stop studying.

I find that I need to do this and it's useful food for my soul and keeps me extremely bright and performing well in life, but then I also work like a dog so I burn the candle on both sides, and don't feel like talking to people much even though I know I need to.

On top of this, I get invited out on weekends but I feel split. On one hand I want to go out - maybe I will find love, maybe meet a friend, but I know from years of experience going out at night is not a good way to build relationships since people are either, drunk, high, or simply trying to get laid -not to mention that I have strange interests for my age, something that you would expect a professor, or different type of person to know than me but to me it's alive and I see it everywhere - the things that I learn.

My issue is maybe my career choice isn't aligned with my interests but the opportunity cost of changing is almost twice as much as the cost of paying for what it would cost. Not to mention that if I did what I liked for a living it might, well probably would, kill it.

I've thought about writing books...you all know I probably have already written a few books worth of strings of text here, and that might be a solution, but I have trouble sticking to a genre or idea.

I think about meeting someone and there are girls that I could date. A few weeks ago I went out to my cousins birthday and a cute blonde gave me her card as I kissed her on the cheek and asked me to call her but I know once I have sex with her I'm going to hurt her by leaving and embarrass her in front of my cousin and her friends and I don't really want to have sex anymore unless it's a soulful experience because up to this point my sexual encounters have left me feeling like a whore.

There are some girls I fall in love with by site but upon further investigation I find I just "chemically" lose interest.

I don't know when the lover in me died. I think he is still alive or I wonder if I am just becoming gay. I'm not sure. I know sometimes I fall in love with a guy as I would for a woman but it never sticks. The thing just leaves me.

Deep down inside I feel ugly and undeserving yet I still paradoxically think highly of myself and have confidence enough to refuse to feel lonely in a group of people and rather just stay in and learn or do something that is truer to my values and integrity - I am not someone who will tolerate being abused.

So I'm not sure what is happening in me or what disorder I have. Maybe I am a schizoid with Asbergers. I do crave adventure and living on the wild side but when I go out to the city or to pubs i just see people doing what I knew they were going to be doing, walking around like robots, and going from point x to point y for c or d and it's unbelievably predictable and insanely boring and mind numbing.

It's as if I am seeing the same thing done by different people on different nights for eternity. I can see how their bad habits are taking them in the direction which they most fear, and how their deepest fears are guiding them at every juncture of every choice.

I believe this is probably something I fall victim to as well and it's probably why I am suffering dissonance at times, and, severe depression which seems to come and go as the moon chases phases. I don't know...maybe I will go out tonight. I feel better after writing this but I'm not sure what's wrong with me or if I'm being selfish or pretentious.

Strangely, I cannot wait to leave this place (earth). I am, on the outside, I am told, a nearly perfect specimen of the human race yet I feel deep shame for being human in part for the way we, even myself included, treat the environment. I guess that's what it boils down to.

Years ago, I received a message, not in any singular instance, but over the course of a prolonged period of time during which I was assailed by a series of synchronicity. To make a long story short...I will not change. I will continue to move forward and transform.

Perhaps I am on the right track...perhaps I suffer accute anxiety or OCD...or maybe even worse, bi-polar disorder. Soon I will be working in the autism industry so maybe the good One is watching out for me and giving me some meaning.

I've always searched for meaning and it has always alluded me but I have kept faith that after the intense urge to disappear there would be daybreak and meaning.

Mayhaps I am even controlling, thinking I know what is best for everyone...this goes back to the OCD...but again, I've never been proven wrong when it comes to my deep convictions and I have always been affirmed in watching loved ones go down a path that would inevitably lead to tragedy and now I just bare it and do not give advice or guidance since I know it will be unheeded anyways, and as I said, the person will do what they will do like a robot programmed to hurt themselves.

I'm sure I do this too.

 

[Qlip]

I feel ya, man. I stopped asking that of myself a while back ago. I know desire, and emptiness. Well enough to know that when you're single, it's all about a girl, when you're in a relationship it's all about some other incredibly dark void. Those things are just with some of us all of the time and we have to deal with them as their own thing, disconnected from our situation.

I don't know what your enneagram is, but you sound very much like a 4 here, I highly relate to most of what you said. I stay out of the dating game because: I'm a weirdo, and I have to be sure that my partner can jive with that, or sometimes I just feel that it's too distracting from something else that I want to achieve. Some goal that will achieve some sort of self-promised satisfaction and wholeness, essentially a holy grail.

I suspect that I may need to just chill and enjoy the good things when they're available and stop giving myself a hard time. Perhaps you could use some help, maybe some meds, there's no harm in seeing to that, if that needs to be seen to. But, either way, being good to yourself is where it starts.

 

[GarrotTheThief]

I feel ya, man. I stopped asking that of myself a while back ago. I know desire, and emptiness. Well enough to know that when you're single, it's all about a girl, when you're in a relationship it's all about some other incredibly dark void. Those things are just with some of us all of the time and we have to deal with them as their own thing, disconnected from our situation.

I don't know what your enneagram is, but you sound very much like a 4 here, I highly relate to most of what you said. I stay out of the dating game because: I'm a weirdo, and I have to be sure that my partner can jive with that, or sometimes I just feel that it's too distracting from something else that I want to achieve. Some goal that will achieve some sort of self-promised satisfaction and wholeness, essentially a holy grail.

I suspect that I may need to just chill and enjoy the good things when they're available and stop giving myself a hard time. Perhaps you could use some help, maybe some meds, there's no harm in seeing to that, if that needs to be seen to. But, either way, being good to yourself is where it starts.

Thank you [MENTION=10714]Qlip[/MENTION]....You hit the nail on the head.

What you said about being a weirdo and not wanting to date because of it even though you can is exactly one of the points I wanted to convey.

I guess you have also given me a good place to start.

As for meds...I refuse to take them. I was taking some a while ago and stopped. Although I am a more nervous creature today I was able to find a good job and get through my studies off of them better than on them.

I know I probably won't off myself either, but I'm sure that if I take meds and bounce off them because, let's say, they stop working, the probability of me offing is much greater....

But rest assured...I know what the urge is, the void, and I don't nor never will probably off myself, even though at times you even sit around with the rope, tying it around your neck, feeling how it feels, just to get it out of your system.

But you know, a lot of people do this sort of thing. Carl Jung used to keep a gun near his bed incase he was feeling froggish....I'm not far off and I Won't off myself, at least until I am the last living person I know and have no more friends, like at 70 years of age or something.

 

[prplchknz]

I read up on schizoid i really doubt it. But i could be wrong. The rest maybe but i can't say for sure. You just seem to expressive and wanting to make friends just my observation to be schizoid but i don't have an argument for the other 2 maybe you're just you

 

[Qlip]

[MENTION=23213]GarrotTheThief[/MENTION], yeah man, don't even give that sort of thing a whisper of a thought. I like your energy around here, we need your posts. And there's so much weird stuff in life to dig up, no matter what mood I've been, I've always found satisfaction in that.

I figure for myself, when I hit 70, or maybe 65, I'll consider taking up heroin, and also those wrap-around sunglasses that you wear on the outside of your prescription glasses. Actually, I might do the sunglasses thing next summer.

 

[Tennessee Jed]

[...]Deep down inside I feel ugly and undeserving yet I still paradoxically think highly of myself and have confidence enough to refuse to feel lonely in a group of people and rather just stay in and learn or do something that is truer to my values and integrity - I am not someone who will tolerate being abused.

So I'm not sure what is happening in me or what disorder I have. Maybe I am a schizoid with Asbergers. I do crave adventure and living on the wild side but when I go out to the city or to pubs i just see people doing what I knew they were going to be doing, walking around like robots, and going from point x to point y for c or d and it's unbelievably predictable and insanely boring and mind numbing.

It's as if I am seeing the same thing done by different people on different nights for eternity. I can see how their bad habits are taking them in the direction which they most fear, and how their deepest fears are guiding them at every juncture of every choice.

I believe this is probably something I fall victim to as well and it's probably why I am suffering dissonance at times, and, severe depression which seems to come and go as the moon chases phases. I don't know...maybe I will go out tonight. I feel better after writing this but I'm not sure what's wrong with me or if I'm being selfish or pretentious.

Strangely, I cannot wait to leave this place (earth). I am, on the outside, I am told, a nearly perfect specimen of the human race yet I feel deep shame for being human in part for the way we, even myself included, treat the environment. I guess that's what it boils down to.

Years ago, I received a message, not in any singular instance, but over the course of a prolonged period of time during which I was assailed by a series of synchronicity. To make a long story short...I will not change. I will continue to move forward and transform.

Perhaps I am on the right track...perhaps I suffer accute anxiety or OCD...or maybe even worse, bi-polar disorder. Soon I will be working in the autism industry so maybe the good One is watching out for me and giving me some meaning.

I've always searched for meaning and it has always alluded me but I have kept faith that after the intense urge to disappear there would be daybreak and meaning.

Mayhaps I am even controlling, thinking I know what is best for everyone...this goes back to the OCD...but again, I've never been proven wrong when it comes to my deep convictions and I have always been affirmed in watching loved ones go down a path that would inevitably lead to tragedy and now I just bare it and do not give advice or guidance since I know it will be unheeded anyways, and as I said, the person will do what they will do like a robot programmed to hurt themselves.

I'm sure I do this too.

Sounds like an eruption of Fi-Inferior. You know, "in the grip" and all that. As an Fi-Dom I kind of enjoy seeing Fi-Inferior out of control. It shows an aspect of Fi that we rarely get to see. (ENTJs and ESTJs don't tend to melt down very often).

Fi Inferior tends to show up as feelings of isolation, despair, worthlessness. It's shows up as fears about values: Something's fucked up: Is it me? Is it everyone else? Is it the universe? It's about feelings of not being appreciated, of being left to hang out to dry, of being victimized and martyred.

Anyway, if you need some help walking through the thing, see Chap 6 of "Was That Really Me?" by Naomi L. Quenk. She goes over all the various Inferiors and provides quotes from people of the appropriate types telling what it's like when they get "in the grip" and how they resolve it.

My take on it:

ENTJs have a hard edge to them, but at the same time they have Fi and strict codes by which they live. Sometimes they can get caught in their own crossfire and then the feelings come welling up from Fi-Inferior. But ENTJs are good at problem-solving. Give them some time alone, and they'll work out a new alignment of the disparate elements of their make-up.

In a way, it's a good process for them. They set up their lives a certain way and it works for them. But then some personal crises occur and things start breaking down. So they re-evaluate, work out some new formulations for dealing with life, and come back stronger than ever in the end. Kind of like a re-boot.

Anyway, like I said, if it lasts too long or turns into depression, see Quenk's book. Lots of ENTJs talking about the same kinds of personal crises and how they worked them out.

 

[á´…eparted]

You're just scattered. I don't see any problems. Talking to a therapist/paychologist would help even if there is no problem.

 

[GarrotTheThief]

You're just scattered. I don't see any problems. Talking to a therapist/paychologist would help even if there is no problem.

Thanks. It's possible. I was going to go see one soon. The same one that typed me ENTJ. [MENTION=22236]YUI[/MENTION] This is probably why he typed me ENTJ. He went by the inferior function and how it outbursts. What you wrote about the crossfire is dead on.

My decision making process is also heavily based on having total control of my own outcome.

 

[Xann]

To me, it seems like the baseboard of your psyche has somehow deviated from that zero-point energy generator that I know you have been in touch with before at many points in your life. It seems you may need to experience another ego-death in order to realign with this paradigm that will give you the core psychological strength that the external image of you presents to the world, but you somehow seem to coming up short with internally. There is no reason for you to be doubting yourself to this degree or questioning your core value outside of your subconscious simply trying to guide you to find deeper internal strength in the void that your loneliness has created. Besides writing books, I could also see you becoming an entrepreneur, I think you have natural leadership qualities that you have yet to tap into.

 

[GarrotTheThief]

To me, it seems like the baseboard of your psyche has somehow deviated from that zero-point energy generator that I know you have been in touch with before at many points in your life. It seems you may need to experience another ego-death in order to realign with this paradigm that will give you the core psychological strength that the external image of you presents to the world, but you somehow seem to coming up short with internally. There is no reason for you to be doubting yourself to this degree or questioning your core value outside of your subconscious simply trying to guide you to find deeper internal strength in the void that your loneliness has created. Besides writing books, I could also see you becoming an entrepreneur, I think you have natural leadership qualities that you have yet to tap into.

Thank you. I think I will need to do this eventually...become self-employed. I am a fair individual and would be good at creating a peaceful, serene place, where managers would not be allowed to yell and berate employees.

 

[GarrotTheThief]

I am going to leave the place of residence and go to the lake with a friend and take in the water spirits of nature for a while and meditate. Thank you for the responses.

 

[Hitoshi-San]

I know I'm a bit late to the party, but I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I know a lot of people that feel like they're lacking a sense of direction or don't know how to execute or even start working towards a goal and just feel like they're stuck in a rut because of it.

If you're gonna talk to your counselor, that's great. And then once you do, you can start to come to a conclusion as to what you want to start seeing yourself achieve in specific, and how you're going to tie your interests and passions and what you want your life to become in with everything else - friends, girls, etc.

It might take some time to sort through but you'll get the hang of it with straightening things out and having them not be all up in the air

 

[chubber]

I find it amazing that you can write so much. I can utter only a few words.