Adult Children Living at Home

[Fidelia]

I am an adult who lived on my own in several provinces and two countries from ages 17 to 33. When I decided that it was time to be closer to my brother's kids, whom I've been very involved with, a job came up in my hometown at a school four blocks away ftom my parents' house.

My folks and I get on well and it was a consciously made decision for me to move in. It made sense to save almost $1000 a month, my mom and I could split the use of a car, I contribute to the bills and we share companionship, emotional and practical support and have been partners.

Since moving in, my 15 year old cousin moved in with us for two years, my niece came to live with us for two years after grad to receive practical help her parents couldn't give to get a couple of math courses, receive lifeguard training to save money for university, and she attended a year of university at out local campus. Since moving away, she comes home to work on weekends and her 24 year old brother has moved in with us to upgrade at school and he has been working to save money for school and also got lifeguard training. This summer, my sister's 18 year old boy had no resources or options and has also moved in with us.

Each of us in the household serves in a different role with the kids and with each other and I think that while it doesn't work for everyone, there are many people in North American culture who have little support system and are much too isolated. I believe many young people never get the opportunity to get close enough to someone outside of a romantic relationship where they have to contribute, resolve conflict, confront, build long term relationships that are emotionally intimate, draw appropriate boundaries, shoulder responsibility, be open to advice or compromise and so on. The opportunity to do so is invaluable.

I have a much better understanding of both my folks as people from the perspective of my age now and after living here for some time. We are much closer friends than we ever would have been otherwise.

As I have dealt with health problems of my own, teaching full time, and running a busy violin studio after school, I could not have done it all without the role my folks have played.

I thought @kyuuie raised some excellent points.

Several of my friends or cousins children have not left home and in their case, it is not for the right reasons and has just allowed them to remain children staying up all night playing video games and sleeping half tell day away in the basement. I don't think the answer is just cutting them loose, but rather cutting down the choices to Ines that will allow them to grow up and take responsibility at home that should have happened developmentally as teenagers, or which would motivate them to move elsewhere where they would get that experience so they can progress to adulthood.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

I have a 40 year old brother in law that lives at home, drinks excessively, uses drugs, and is enabled by his mom. He did get job skills at some point and can easily make substantial income, but instead mooches. When he was 22, he was engaged to an absolutely gorgeous girl whose father was going to set them up financially. Instead, he dumped her and started drinking with the old guy across the street. Very sad story, but his parents enabled all this.

 

[21%]

I thought in some non-USA cultures, having multiple generations of family live together was an established custom, and it's useful in caring both for the young AND for the old (instead of just sticking the oldest family members in care facilities).

This. Where I'm from, children live with parents until they are married. If they never get married, they live with parents and take care of the parents when the parents are old. If you try to move out to live on your own without a good reason, people wonder why you are a) abandoning your parents and b) spending unnecessary money.

 

[Luke O]

I moved out of my parents' house when I was 23. Moving out is something I think I would have never been ready for, regardless of age. Sometimes it just takes that plunge, and you learn and mature along the way, taking life's challenges as they come.

 

[Cellmold]

Eh I live with my parents because I can't afford not to.

As I've mentioned before I work two jobs and while the hours vary, often I work every day of the week without interruption, however the irregularity of the hours combined with the low pay means it hardly feels worth it. I agree with a lot of the assessments made in this thread.

Certainly I did expect better and I know of my parents they both expected much more from me and my brother, myself particularly, though I could never understand why. Neither of us were academically bright, or any other kind of bright thinking about it.

My mum wanted perfect status symbols but received human beings instead, calls me a late developer like it's meant to be endearing, and tells me to aim for manager and "work my way up" for every job I do despite how unrealistic that is. Dad is more realistic and recognises that the opportunities aren't the same now, he told me when he left school he quite literally walked into his first job, he doubts he could do that now.... which I confirmed.

They say they like me being around and enjoy my company, which might be true. It's also true they're getting older and need a helping hand with a lot of stuff, however I also know they don't trust me to stand on my own two feet and I rarely openly tell them about any ideas I've had for a career because they are either falsely encouraging or bluntly critical.

Now I have to endure reality and accept that things can change very quickly, but often very slowly and I have responsibilities to my own actions. There are more people, which is only going to increase and there are many worse off materialistically than myself.

So I'll do what we do; distract myself. That's what living is in our era, distraction.

 

[Bilateral Entry]

I've always found perplexing was how the things my mother and father did as "teen jobs" weren't really available when I was looking.

What did your parents do as teen jobs?

 

[Bilateral Entry]

The education industrial complex... I was born at the front end of Gen-X. However I know several millenials who are living with their parents or other family members, i.e. brother/sister. One of my coworkers has a bachelors in bio physics, got his degree at SDSU for about 70k in loans after all was said and done. He had a heck of a time finding work and like everyone else had bills to pay.

For almost 2 months he checked in on a weekly basis with the person who does the hiring. After passing a drug test and with his clean driving record he now is a driver towing vehicles for a living. At another company I worked for, an air freight forwarding company probably 25% of the drivers under 35 had degrees.

Dayyuum. I guess the job market really is down! Bachelor's degree doesn't get you very far these days. It doesn't get you anywhere at all, in some cases. Can probs get a driving job without the bachelor's.

 

[ceecee]

Dayyuum. I guess the job market really is down! Bachelor's degree doesn't get you very far these days. It doesn't get you anywhere at all, in some cases. Can probs get a driving job without the bachelor's.

This is why I'm so glad my boys didn't go the traditional route. They both did skilled trade apprenticeships. One is a plumber and one is an electrician. It's very nice when mom and dad want to replace the furnace/ac or put in a new bathroom, too. This isn't for everyone and it takes just as long (or longer) to complete an apprenticeship as it does to get a bachelor's degree.

 

[Bilateral Entry]

This is why I'm so glad my boys didn't go the traditional route. They both did skilled trade apprenticeships. One is a plumber and one is an electrician. It's very nice when mom and dad want to replace the furnace/ac or put in a new bathroom, too. This isn't for everyone and it takes just as long (or longer) to complete an apprenticeship as it does to get a bachelor's degree.

Skilled trades are the bomb when it comes to education that results in a well-paid, easy to find job. I think of trade school as pre-professional training, and college/university as a place to intellectually expand yourself. I think too many people unrealistically view college/university as pre-professional training.

Also, what made them decide to go that route? What influenced them to choose that?

 

[Bilateral Entry]

Several of my friends or cousins children have not left home and in their case, it is not for the right reasons and has just allowed them to remain children staying up all night playing video games and sleeping half tell day away in the basement. I don't think the answer is just cutting them loose, but rather cutting down the choices to Ines that will allow them to grow up and take responsibility at home that should have happened developmentally as teenagers, or which would motivate them to move elsewhere where they would get that experience so they can progress to adulthood.

How would you suggest a parent go about cutting down their adult child's choices?

 

[ceecee]

Skilled trades are the bomb when it comes to education that results in a well-paid, easy to find job. I think of trade school as pre-professional training, and college/university as a place to intellectually expand yourself. I think too many people unrealistically view college/university as pre-professional training.

Also, what made them decide to go that route? What influenced them to choose that?

They always knew about the skilled trades but there is a real push in our area for it so they were exposed to it in high school. Once they started investigating just what the skilled trades covers, they got really interested. The electrician apprenticeship was through a union and the energy company that serves this area. The plumbing apprenticeship was with a construction company and master plumbers as well as testing and licensing through the state and a union. Both involved school as well as on the job training, I think they did 2 days in class, 3 days on-site an they were both 5 year apprenticeships, so it's a commitment just like college or university. My plumber son is going into his final year.

 

[Bilateral Entry]

They always knew about the skilled trades but there is a real push in our area for it so they were exposed to it in high school. Once they started investigating just what the skilled trades covers, they got really interested. The electrician apprenticeship was through a union and the energy company that serves this area. The plumbing apprenticeship was with a construction company and master plumbers as well as testing and licensing through the state and a union. Both involved school as well as on the job training, I think they did 2 days in class, 3 days on-site an they were both 5 year apprenticeships, so it's a commitment just like college or university. My plumber son is going into his final year.

What did you do to influence their career choice? Did you influence it at all?

 

[Bilateral Entry]

I have a 40 year old brother in law that lives at home, drinks excessively, uses drugs, and is enabled by his mom. He did get job skills at some point and can easily make substantial income, but instead mooches. When he was 22, he was engaged to an absolutely gorgeous girl whose father was going to set them up financially. Instead, he dumped her and started drinking with the old guy across the street. Very sad story, but his parents enabled all this.

What job skills did he get?
What did his parents do to enable him?

 

[miss fortune]

my sis decided to crash at MY house for a year instead of my parents' house... initially she came down to look for a job since there are more things open here than where she lives, but she spent a good 4 months not even looking at first until I started putting in applications for her and she finally went and found something. she refuses to look for jobs that require anything more than basic skills and even when working at places that volunteer to pay for more education, she turns it down. I could understand if they offered good benefits or something of that sort, but they don't she ended up moving back and taking an even worse job because she missed her partying lifestyle (and possibly because we do NOT get along living under the same roof)

our parents have offered that she could stay with them, since she's always having trouble affording rent and everything else in life (I've bought her groceries and paid her phone bill quite a few times and they've paid traffic tickets, fixed her car and paid one landlord several months worth of back rent so that he wouldn't sue her)... she refuses to go though

I have lived on my own since graduating, but I work my ass off and we do pretty well for ourselves here... can't say that I've liked every job I've worked (or really any job), but I'm working on it

 

[ceecee]

What did you do to influence their career choice? Did you influence it at all?

I don't think we influenced the actual choice. This was what they were interested in and after looking at the different trades, these are what they picked and what they had aptitude for. The pay is good right off the bat too, around $15/hr and that increases.

 

[Poki]

My uncle is notorious for this and he is around 50. Constantly moves back in with his parents for extended periods of time with his wife and kids. Last kid is out of house now so atleast now it's just him and his wife. He thinks he knows alot about finances as well when he has never been able to manage his. One of those people who always has an opinion, but not much experience.

 

[SearchingforPeace]

What job skills did he get?
What did his parents do to enable him?

His uncle got him into the Operating Engineers' Union at 22, soon after he ditched his fiancee and her rich father setting him up for life. He also became an experienced welder along the way. He easily makes $10k+ per month when working.

However, he has never rented his own apartment since he dumped his fiancee. His parents paid most of his car payments. He has been arrested for DUI about 15 times, but his parents have paid good lawyers too much money to keep him out of jail. He hasn't had a driver's license in years, but they still made sure he had a car to drive. They paid his cell phone as well.

My in-laws felt very guilty about how they abused their children, so they became over indulgent. Of course, they abused my wife and her oldest brother, not the younger children, especially not this son. They excused all bad behavior and poor choices, freeing them from so many consequences of their own actions. Now that his dad is dead, his mom is gradually cutting him back. But he really annoys my MIL, as he sleeps off his hangover all day and stays up all night.

At the funeral of his uncle ten years ago, we saw his ex (her grandfather's funeral happened to be at right before the uncle's). She looked just as gorgeous as ever, while my BIL looked so ragged and aged and hid himself in shame. It was so sad.

 

[ceecee]

I graduated in 2007, so the 2009 recession didn't directly affect my ability to find a job, but I got harassed on the job, quit in 2010, was made into a Targeted Individual (Schizophrenia, if you don't think electronic harassment is real), ended up having to move back in with my mother, and now here I am. I could've easily worked on my own startup or gone back to work, but I'm constantly harassed/tortured/interrupted, they've ruined my intelligence and creativity, they sabotage every job interview, etc.

Who is "they"? The Vatican? The Illuminati? Howard Stern? The Chicago Cubs?

 

[Crabs]

Meh...I spent a good portion of my 20's living at home, trying to settle on a career path and stick with it. Independence is nice, but so is not spending half of your paycheck on rent. Having a roommate definitely helps with the expenses though.

 

[baccheion]

Who is "they"? The Vatican? The Illuminati? Howard Stern? The Chicago Cubs?

Don't know. Don't care. Not my own neurons misfiring, however, that I do know.